Writers Strike

Thank goodness it is over, but did you ever wonder what those creative types did over the weeks when they were not busy devising plots for Lost or Heros?

Now I can not conclusively prove this, but the data in my Spam inbox suggests that they kept the lights on by coming up with and selling engaging taglines for spam.

The uncreative crap titles such as "Add 3 inches overnight" and "Size DOES matter" have been replaced with new and exciting offers including:

Enjoy a sizzling love life with your new instrument.

Whip out the anaconda in your pants and watch her eyes light up with excitement.

Having a larger rocket in your pocket gives you more confidence both in life and around women.

Imagine if you could have a 9 inch tool in your pants - NOW YOU CAN.

Very nice random emailers, very nice.

Why are you so angry?

I was in line behind some guy at 7-eleven today who makes ME look patient.

He went from under his breath grumbling to full on F-bomb dropping in a blink of an eye when the sales clerk took just a little too long to select just the right big bite for another customer. Finally he threw down $5 and yelled Gimme five on the van. I guess that's when things started to make sense.

1) Nobody likes to wait -- This was the step that primed the pump
2) He was driving a mini-van -- That is a powdered keg for almost anyone under 35
3) He only had five dollars for gas -- What is that, like a gallon and a half?

The combination of these three things pretty much set the stage for a FOX 5 breaking news event if I ever saw one.

I dunno. Maybe he was also having a bad day to boot. Perhaps a little too much St. Patty's day celebration, maybe he is the victim of some crazy rumor. The possibilities are endless.

Maybe some of you are asking, what kind of rumor could be that enraging? Well as an example, and I am not saying this rumor did get started, but it very easily could have, this past weekend we caught up with some old friends for 30th birthday party.

One of invities named "Matty" called to indicate that he had a blast at the DC 101Shamrockfest and was absolutely piss-bent and would not be making it to the party. I think the message went like this. HJBIOP fqoi ewrrivf qwioecn9pqper oernpwerv. Dill pickles.

About five minutes later, in a different conversation someone spoke of how their dog "Maddie" pooped out a sock earlier in the day.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the potential implications of someone overhearing Mattie got bombed and Maddie pooped a sock.

I think that is precisely the type of rumor worthy of dropping an F-bomb or two at a slow poke big bite wrangler.

Awareness Test

Meat-o-nomics

What started out as a rather innocuous what’s going on this weekend? Email evolved into what is quite possibly the most intellectually provocative string of replies my eyes have seen in this year 2008. I have taken liberties to summarize the thread and truncated the names to protect the innocent.

Without further ado I present Meat-o-nomics 2008…

G-man: Anything exciting going on this weekend?

P-vo: Dc tonight for happy hour to meet an old roommate. Working on an econ mid-term all day tomorrow. Tomorrow night going to dc to meet another old roommate then to adams morgan.

G-man: econ mid-term, eh? I got a good thesis topic for you.... Quantify the elasticity between El Crank (Spanish for the Crank—note Spanishification added by T-15) and the national hot dog supply.

P-vo: I wish all test questions were that easy. El Crank has an extremely high price elasticity of demand when it comes to the consumption of hot dogs, i.e. if there is a large change in price in hot dogs, the quantity desired changes drastically. I would consider there to be a price ceiling on this elasticity however, I can only imagine El Crank at the grocery store looking at a $10 package of hot dogs, shaking his head and exclaiming “$10 for a package of hot dogs! I’ve never paid $10 for a package of hot dogs!” At this point we would need to discuss the availability of and his propensity to consume substitutes…but that would be an entirely different lecture altogether.

El Crank: I don't think you can have an educated discussion about Economics without the use of Charts. See attached.

P-vo: What would have been real funny is if the curve were constructed out of an actual hotdog. It is interesting to note that the curve never touches the x axis, meaning the crank's demand for hot dogs never reaches 0, thus destroying the concept of diminishing marginal utility and utterly blowing my mind!

T-15: Asketh and ye shall receiveth!

Ok technically speaking that is not a hot dog. Likewise, technically speaking I am no graphics designer wiz.

Eitherway, a meat product curve is a meat product curve.

Big Mac Index

In a rather creative approach to understand the value of the dollar, some fatty economist devised a Big Mac index, showing what a Big Mac would cost around the world once you convert the local selling price into USD...

Five most expensive
1) Iceland - US 7.44
2) Norway - US 6.63
3) Switzerland - US 5.05
4) Denmark - US 4.84
5) Sweden - US 4.59

Five most affordable
1) China - US 1.41
2) Hong Kong - US 1.54
3) Malaysia - US 1.57
4) Venezuela - US 1.58
5) Egypt - US 1.60

In other news I have eaten at Mcdonalds in two of the 10 markets listed above and fully agree. I think I paid close to $16 for a McChiken "Value" meal in Zurich and about $3.50 for a McArabia meal in Cairo.

Hehehe...

Foreshadowing...

T-minus 28 hours and counting till the Richmond edition of EFH sets off with 5 brave souls.

I'll leak some tasty info that should be on the down-low, but that is only due to the fact that all but one of the participants, Tricktickler Burr Loco, don't be knowing bout da T-15 bliggity blog.

You see, as part of the adventure, new, exciting, and original shirts are being encouraged and I am running off two special prints tonight.

One for me...

A nice tribute to Eric Wright AKA Eazy-E of NWA fame and certainly no stranger to the creature (AKA Malt Liquor). I am pretty sure there is a scene in BoyZ in the Hood where a Chain Snatcher wearing a "We Want Easy" T-shirt creeps up on Ricky, grabs his links, only to get the mother of all beatdowns. I think that scene, in some ways, will symbolize tomorrow's activities. I will try and sneak up on the Olde Gold, but I am sure that 80 ounces of that rocket fuel in short order will beat me down.

And one for ole Tricktickler...

I don't even know where to start with this. I guess this is what you get when you roll with a crew that keeps on eye on the media for any relevant little people news, happens to know a brutha who knows a brutha who is a graphic artist, and is geared up for a little EFH action.

Anyhow, it will make for an interesting evening, that is for sure.

Oh did I mention we will have the premier viewing of the terror of tiny town? Yeah, it is going to be that kind of night.

Rap is something you do, Hip Hop is a way of life...

There is a pretty cool exhibit on display at the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery through late October which features Hip Hop and contemporary Portraiture. The exhibit contains a blend of photographs, Graffiti, and modern intepretations of classic portraits using Hip Hop icons. The exhibit is somewhat limited, leaving you wanting more, but that is probably more of a tribute to the artist's originality and a desire to see more, than the exhibit being truly lacking.

It is interesting to see Hip Hop embraced at this level, given that for so long it was considered more of a sub-culture (if not a total counter-culture). Twenty years ago, this sort of graffiti was considered vandalism and it's creators the dregs of society. Now it is on display in the same building which houses one of the most famous paintings of George Washington.

There is an interesting bit to that as well.

We had a hard time making our way to the wing which features the portraits of the presidents. There was a hugh bottleneck at the bathrooms before you reached that wing. Why the bottleneck?

Well in the hallway, above the water fountian is a portrait of Steven Colbert in front of a portrait of Steven Colbert in front of a portrait of Steven Colbert (see random photo plucked from Google images above).

After first being rejected by the National Museum of American History, Colbert petitioned the Smithsonian to display his portrait, who agreed to "go along with the joke," though they stress that it is only temporary. Colbert said "I don't mean to brag, but as it contains three portraits, my portrait has more portraits than any other portrait in the National Portrait Gallery." (Wikipedia).

Now here is the real kicker. Despite the portrait being a bit of a "joke" and the Smithsonian's reluctance to display it, the crowd waiting to get a glimpse of it was easily ten-fold of that found in front of ANY of the portraits in the presidential wing. I would wager that portrait is fully driving a third of the traffic to the museum, if not more.

Something tells me Colbert would be pleased.

Why must you tease me?

Pabst just sponsored at art contest, and just look at the blue ribbon submission.

Tip of the cap to you Mr. Conway. And thanks for planting that image in my head, 5 months before crab season is in full swing.

Signs you still need to grow up...

You find this article laugh out loud funny, because the two ladies couldn't handle the slippery weenie.

Signs you are getting old...

You look across the parking lot and see a car and think to yourself, "Damn, that is a good looking car."

Only to get closer and realize it is a Volvo.

In my defense, a Volvo has no right looking this good:

This isn't the exact car I saw, but it comes pretty close. The one I saw was a swank Leguna Seca Blue (a color typically seen on high-end BMW M3's).

Looked a bit more like this (although with the stock wheels in the picture above or the painted grill--both are poor additions in my opinion stock looks much better).

I wonder if the Swedes are trying to give the German's a run for their Deutche Marks, er, I mean Euro.

Thanks for nothing, Lost

After damn near a year, I was expecting a bit more.

I didn't expect all the answers, but a couple would have been nice.

What did you deliver?

Nada.

And you took an hour of my time.

Honestly, I have had more interesting bowel movements than those 60 pointless minutes.

You know what hurts me the worst?

That we only get 8 freaking episodes. You think if you are only going to come out with half a season, you at least make sure it is dud free, and that you BRING IT with the first episode.

Season four current tally:

Good Shows = 0
Steaming Turds = 1

Yeah thanks a lot Lost.

Why don't you just go ahead and kill off Locke while you are at it.

Taco de Chapulines

My love of tacos only goes so far.

On a recent adventure I came across tacos de chapulines which in the menu were described as legendary. I guess they forgot to further qualify that as being legendarily gross.

You see, Taco de chapulines are, in fact, grasshopper tacos. It was a $4.50 adventure. How could I say no? Well, actually, just by saying no. I guess I was hoping they would somehow taste really good, defying my expectations in a chocolate covered pretzel kind of way.

Nope. Not even close.

There is a reason they make people eat crap like that on reality TV.

A dinner-mate best described them as tasting, hoppy, no pun intended (I think). They had a real earthy, bitter grassy taste, not unlike hops in beer. Two bites were more than sufficient to satiate my curiosity. Thankfully my back-up dish came through in a big way, mussels steamed in Tequila and garlic with a chipotle sauce.

After 1 taste adventure you would think I would have learned my lesson, well at least for the day, right?

Wrong.

Adventure #2

A scottish ale made with seaweed, as recommended by Lincoln, the beer hop at the Brick Skeller, a brew pub with more of the creature than one can fathom. Here is a sampling of their wares.

Ole kelpie was heads and shoulders above that hot mess of a taco, but sadly dissappointing for a $13 beer. Low ABV content, wish-washy aftertaste, and no real hint of seaweed to speak of. Rather, it sort of tasted like a cross between a porter and a bottle of aquafina.

Alas, despite the taco fiasco and half-stepping beer, the rest of weekend adventure was about as good as it gets.

Good friends, Ansel Adams, Hot Wings, Irish Car Bombs, Box seats at a hockey game, and our very own table at a packed night spot. One can not complain too much. chirp chirp chirp.

REMIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heart snow days!

Soup to nutters

Of the various phrases that people wield conversationally that just sort of bug me is soup to nuts.

I don't know if my disdain stems from the idea of someone teabagging my boston clam chowder or that the first person I knew who used it regularly was a royal douchebag. Eitherway I just am not a big fan.

I have, however, been curious to its origin. I knew for some odd, unexplainable reason that it was the title of the very first episode of the Three Stooges, but that seemed to have very little bearing on the context in which that phrase is used.

Thanks to some e-search, I discovered that the phrase references the progression of a typical middle eastern meal (or typical of a traditional meal at some point in time), which would begin with an appetizer consisting of some form of soup, a main course, and a dessert which often featured nuts. Thus the phrase reflects the full course of a meal, from beginning to end, and has extended to reflect the full course of action in whatever context it is used.

We had a catered lunch today and in addition to your typical plate of chocolate chip cookies was a platter of delicious treats from here.

You CAN NOT go wrong with those. Well maybe with the one flavored with rosewater.

In an odd measure of synchronicity some dropped the soup to nuts phrase following lunch, and I challenged them on whether or not they knew the origin, and they did not, so I had to drop some knowledge on they azz. Booya!

It makes me wonder how often people non-chalantly throw around words or phrases they have no clue of what they really mean, only a vague understanding of their context.

Probably more often than not.

Solomon Asch would further stress the importance of context as being equal to, if not greater than the social act which occurs therein. One of my favorite quotes of his states:

Most social acts have to be understood in their setting and lose meaning of isolated. No error in thinking about social facts is more serious than failure to see their place and function.

I like that. That's nice. Like reunite on ice.

Under that wise, wise saying I have a picture of that guy who jumped into the Lion's den in a zoo in Taipei to try and convert the lions into Christians but then got bitten.

I think there is some relevant connection there.

Or maybe that dude is just plain old school nutters.

Baby's Laughter, You are on NOTICE!

Some will say there is nothing in life more precious than a baby's laughter.

Those noobs have obviously not experienced the enlightenment that is Call of Duty 4, online using the playstation 3. I would not describe myself as a serious gamer, much less a First Person Shooter (FPS) gamer, but after an hour playing a few online death matches I think I have seen the light.

Despite my complete and utter lack of skill and access to high power weapons available to high ranking players, I am content to lurk in the shadows (aka laying in the cut) with my shiv waiting to shank an unsuspecting player. I am getting pretty shank-tastic although my victories are almost always short lived, thanks to some A-hole with a sniper rifle hiding on a roof several virtual blocks away.

It is even funnier when kats are rocking headsets to talk smack and you roll up on them with the kak kak kak and hear them go UGGH! WTF!

As good as the game is, its true purpose is training season for the forthcoming end all be all installment of grand theft auto 4, which I predict is going to be a "where were you when 2 pac got shot*" kind of defining moment.

* BTW I was in Kennedy's car outside of the pantry, sipping on a 40, on my bid night.

Beyond Description

Anyone remember the movie terminator?

Sure you do, the flick where the artificial intelligence of machines eventually becomes so great, they decide they no longer need humans?

Well if you can imagine that movie staring toilets instead of Cyborgs, this is probably how it would begin.

The Honorable Hamm gave me the heads up to a previously unknown, nay, unfathomable world of high performance toilets, of which, Kohler proudly calls itself "The Performance Leader in Global Toilets."

You think this is a joke. You have no idea. I think I will be forever a changed man after viewing that site (like a 2 cups, 1 girl kind of way, only without the horror).

Their crowning jewel is the Class 5 EST Performance Toilet.

When I saw the title, I couldn't decide if the Class 5 is a nod to White Water Rapids or a Klingon Warship. Either apply equally. It looks as if the flushing power of that beast could choke down the most titanic of turds and its 1970's Burt Reynolds good looks of the tank allow it to seemlessly "cloak" into the most swank decor.

No one knows for sure what EST but after watching this video, I would bet it is an acronym for Enormous Shit Transporting. For the love of pete, did they just flush an entire toy chest of Pokemon balls down the drain?

Grab bag

Hey Kiddos!

It's been a while, so I have a few things I need to getz squared away since I have been neglecting ye olde blog as of late.

First, time for the news years resolution, to give more props...

Props to D & J who have their fishless aquarium posted on Ratemyaquarium.com yup a site to post, view, and vote on aquariums. Theirs is out there somewhere. If you stumble across one that looks like the roman coloseum, show them the vote love.


Next, props to JN for the tightest holiday card not featuring Billy Dee Williams (see above).

Knuckle pound to baby Jesus.


Next, props to Burr for getting married, but stopping off to race go karts first. Also, props to me, t-15 AKA Shake-N-Bake for turning in the 2nd fastest time. The fastest was spanky who sold his sole to the devil for the fastest time (I think).

Not sure if it is exactly "props" worthy but I did see a billboard for a website called http://www.notyourmothersmammogram.com/ while enroute to PA.

Props to G & N for a fun night out on the town complete with PBR and a letterman jacket with more medals than Mr. T, include one for Hulk Hogan leg drops.

Props to K-Lou for deciding to go to Ibiza before knowing it is the um-che-oom-che-oom-che foam club party capital of the world. Actually the whole London-Budapest-Ibiza excursion leads me to believe she is secretly a club DJ. I've got my eye on you DJ K-weezy.

Props to the wife for many fine Christmas gifts including but not limited to a device called: "How many days ago did you open that food." I could explain, but just trust me. It's real. It's cool. More information here.

Another reason I love and give mad propa-loppaz to da Sheetz. I saw these on sale, at the counter, as an impulse buy purchase.

Props for everyone.

Except the new American Gladiators show.

I just watched it and wish my eyeballs were getting lasered right now. It is plain awful. Too much chatter, not enough batter. I don't give 2 shizzles for the contestant's perspective, just get in that giant hampster ball and start running.

Damn you writers strike. Damn you!

Farewell good friend

After a long, hard, well fought 3 year battle with Kidney Disease, we had to let a member of the T-15 clan go yesterday.

Despite never quite mastering the jumping through the hula-hoop trick, Ms. Bailey Peabody AKA Rosa Parks AKA Officer Hooks AKA Darth Bailey truly was more of a cat and companion than we could have ever asked for.

You will be truly missed.