Hate Actually

It's time for some good old fashion ranting and raving.

For some reason beyond the realm of explanation, I have fostered a robust hatred for the word actually over the course of the past few weeks.

Not actuality or actual, just actually.

Methinks this is largely a function of the context in which I have overheard the usage of this word.

With the exception of one usage, the consistent application of this word has served no more purpose than to imply...

"Look turd brains, unlike me, you have far less than a clue, perhaps even a negative clue. It is truly your lucky day, consider I have graced you with my presence. Let my grand intellect do you a favor just this once, since I am such a great and benevolent being, and give you just a glimpse of knowing the real truth. BTW you suck and your mother dresses you funny, and not funny like a clown."

If I ruled the world, I would grant people slapping rights upon hearing that word in a conversation.

Hip Hop es Muerto

WILLIAM H MACY! It's official. Rap is dead.

Is that what rap music has come to?

A 13 year old looking white girl from UK?

Eazy-E is rolling over in his grave right now.

Fettes Brot is our only hope.

Daaaaaaamn!

Those better be midgets, or else I am going to go buy a liger this weekend.

Who needs to pay for gas, when you could have your own battlecat?

Just some good ole boys...

Van Damn! Who would have thought the general would be choppin' it up in Maine?

Now that's how I want to go...

These stingray's get more gangsta everyday...

Stingray leaps into boat, stabs man in chest.

Poncho and Lefty

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding his having been caught with a bag of marijuana:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana, instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."

Rodeo o' Randomness

First off, let me tell you, 2 meals into this whole apple diet, I am not a fan, unless they have a special breed of apple that tastes like popeye's, it's going to be a long three days.

Why am I doing the apple diet?

For the story and I don't feel like cooking.

In other news, that picture of those freakishly big solo cups? That was all CJ's and smell my face belt buckle rob's. There you go.

In other other news, I have gone far too long being annoyed, not only by the phrase soup to nuts, but by wondering what the heck does it mean?

Turns out it refers to a full course meal, probably of med. decent, as they tend to feature an app. of soup, main course and nut based dessert. There you go.

Now I can go on just being annoyed at the phrase.

And while we are on the origin of phrases, you are not gonna believe me, but I am gonna tell you anyways...last week...in training...the teacher definitely used the phrase "laying in the cut."

Anyone know what that means? Well, I am gonna tell ya. In prisons, there are certain areas just beyond the view of security cameras. These are referred to as "the cut." Laying in the cut refers to the act of stealthily waiting, just out of camera view, most like to attack someone with a stabbing device, otherwise known as a shank or a shiv.

Speaking of shanks and shivs, I figured out what I will bestow upon my groomsmen. Monogramed throwing knives. Sweet.

Well, time to go.

I have two apples with my name on them.

Yay.

Where have you been?

Sorry for the lack of recent posts as of late. I was goaded into playing a game of flip-cup with these:

I was passed out for like a week and a half.

Now I am on the apple diet. I'll write more about that later.

How to win a fight in applebee's

Here's my of mix of some of Bas's greatest tips.

Pez-stilence

It's been a busy week for office pranks.

Case #2
A coworker leaves town for a week only to return to a shocking scene, the mass suicide of his entire pez dispencer collection.

Office Prank Returns>>Econo-Cubicle<<

Here is a typical size cubicle...

While out of the office last we, we decided to redesign one of our co-worker's cubicle.

Compared to the grossly inefficient full size cubicle, the new economy-sized cubicle has been designed to enhance productivity by limiting distracting window access, abundant oxygen, and wasted movement.

Thank goodness I don't have any vacation time to use.

ROCK ON you old sailor you!

Among other things, this past weekend's adventures included a trip to the renaissance festival.

While waiting in line to buy tickets, I looked over at some guy in the line next to ours. As he approached the ticket booth, he stood on his tippy toes to get a bird's eye view of the ticket wench's cleavage. He then proceeded to give ye olde motorboat to said wench.

Right then, I knew the bar was set high.

Probably a bit too high, cause nothing else came close to topping that in terms of highlights.

A distant second was a 9 year old boy dressed as a viking. He was watching "Human Chess" and was calling out the opposing team, demanding to "KILL HIM! CUT OFF HIS HEAD! ROCK ONNNNNNNN SIR WILLIAM!" He was really into this thing, probably to an unhealthy extent given his age.

Then in a sad reality check of life, an eight year old girl asked him why he was wearing tights. Ouch!

Stay tuned, coming soon, another volley in the war of the office pranks.

Hmmmmm...

Ever wonder what it would be like if a reese cup, butter finger and Mr. goodbar had a threeway in your mouth?

Well wait no more. Look at what those evil geniuses at Reese's just came up with...

What Would Bas Rutten Do?

BANG BANG BANG

Aw man, if I knew it was gonna be that kind of party, I would have...

Brought a fully loaded baked potato into the mens.

Apparently someone else did...

Yes, another interesting story from this past weekend, stems from Monroe's supper club, the ultra shady bar at the Long Island Holiday inn.

We stopped down for a drink and watched a few songs get butchered while Karaoke wrapped up.

Then the real fun began, LI over 30 singles night.

Yes, we witnessed long thought to be extinct sights such as Denim-cubed (jeans, denim shirt and jean jacket) and an authentic rat tail, on a woman no less.

What kind of bar would you find such things?

The same kind of bar that serves soupy fish for free at the hottest over 30 (and in several cases, waaaaaaaaaaay over 30) party this side of Kazakhstan.

The same kind of bar that features Don Rickles as a bouncer.

And yes, the same kind of bar, where you find half eaten baked potatos in the mens.

Yeah.

Where am I going? And Why am I in this handbasket?

As if there were any lack of compelling evidence of my post-mortum destination, I spent the vast majority of the mass I attended during a wedding coming up with new and improved non-existant drinks to mess the bartenders during the reception.

I then realized, it would be soooooo much easier if I took like 7 or 8 quality words and dumped them into some sort of random compiler to come up with drinks.

I think I would use words like whiplash, mexican, banana, salty, chubby, eskimo, blowhole, and freight train. That's really all you need.

Think of the possibilities...

Barkeep! I'll have a banana whiplash, stat.

Huh?

You know, a cross between a mexican freight train and a salty blowhole.

Whu?

Fine, just make me a chubby eskimo.

Ok Ok...Miller lite.

Or do I want a Headless albino Fireman?

I stand corrected...

Ok ok ok, so sue me, I got the lyrics for the theme of Dukes of Hazzard wrong. In my defense Waylon Jennings needs to work on his enunciation.

The correct title of the previous post should have been Straight'n the curves, Flat'n the hills.

I agree that it makes much more sense, but still like my version for that certain aire of mystery, I mean, anyone can Flat'n a hill, but who the hell can Flap'n a hill?

Straight'n the curves, Flap'n the hills...

Good news!

We found a limo to go with our Nacho Cheese Fountain and PBR!

Oh now I remember...

That Pootie tang video I put on YouTube...

Over 10,000 views.

Damn.

I bet 10,000 people didn't even see the movie when it was in the theaters.

Sa-da-tay!

Potluck

A couple of random tidbits...

The war of the office pranks continued last week as an unsuspecting JB returned to his cubicle to find an assortment of turds hidden in various locations.

Good god people, we are not animals. We did not use real fecal matter. Just pictures of real fecal matter. Some of my favorite additions included a picture of poo taped unto the mouth piece of the phone and relabelling a trophy displayed on the book case to read "Most Corn Laden Stool" 1975.

Yeah I know. Childish. Nyah!

A second point I wanted to cover off on has to do with stickers on cars. As much as I tend to look down upon them, I can't help but admire this one.

Hot or not?

I had a third topic, but it evades me at the moment, so in its place go have a look at this glorious commercial from Sprint.