It's been a long time...

Some have been asking, Where art thou, T-15?

Recovering.



It has taken damn near two weeks to be of sound mind and capable of sitting up straight and formulate sentences beyond pointing and grunting.

What happened?

Well, this for starters...

Yes, what better way to celebrate my exodus from bacherlordom than with 80 ounces of stone cold malt beverage strapped to my beaters.

Now, let me splain, I love me some charcoal filtered goodness of OE 800, but like the SOS band, I like to "take my time and do it right."

There is absolutely nothing about taking your time or doing it right with edward 40 hands.

Rather, it is a race against your bladder, to drain dem junx before you have drain your junx. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming edward pp pants.

One a quick aside, what is one to do if one is allergic to gluten, but compelled to play EFH?

In a word, improvise.

In several words, find the equivalent volume of gluten free beer and tape that all up on your arm like so...

But I digress...

Prior to that weekend, me and my squirrel bladder were a bit scared at the prospect of this game, but my participation was inevitable as a moth to a flame.

When it became go time, edward 40 hands was the least of my worries.

You see, the fear of edward 40 hands is usually governed by the fact that once you knock out those 40s you are home free. Not me. The evil genius MC's (masters of ceremonies) saw EFH as an appetizer, an appetizer for destruction, followed by a shot of After-Schlager, Malt Liquor Helmet, Margarita and some Absynthe. The last thing I remember is wearing a pair of earmuffs made of tallboys of Colt 45 and connected to a tube that went right into my mouth.

This is what Gladwell calls a tipping point, as things stop going in and start coming out and all cerebral records crash.

Well all but one registry was purged, Casey's Drafthouse, located in Pittsburgh.


What, pray tell, would cause that one memory to stick amidst the wash of malt-memory eraser?
1 word...manboy.

What is manboy you ask?

Simple.

A midget.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar until someone ponies up $10.


Then the magic happens.

Manboy descends from his tree house, scurries across the bar to grab a bottle of grandpa's cough medicine, and then runs back and forth pouring its contents into the mouths of patrons.

I know what you are thinking, that after the forty hands, I starting speaking in tongues and seeing strange visions (after all Absinthe was in the mix right?), and this whole midget madness is nothing more than an artifact of a really twisted imagination.

We'll this link says otherwise.

As does this picture.

So who is up for a road trip to da 'burg?

So long... farewell... Auf wiedersehen... Goodbye!

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to a good friend who left the company I work for. Upon his departure, he sent a goodbye letter out via email

I found the original draft the goodbye letter, which is slightly different than what was sent.

Quite the colorful writer if I do say so myself,
----------------------------
Final version that was sent

Hey Everyone,

It's Departure-Day! I'm leaving the company, Reston and soon even the Great Commonwealth of Virginia to pursue other dreams.

My exit interview paperwork asks "What did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no-brainer. You guys have been the best thing about working here. I can honestly and genuinely say I like every one in this office personally and that I think is rare.

My email is [removed] -- use it, keep in touch and let me know how life treats ya.

Best of luck to all of you!
John

---------------------------------------------
Original Draft

Hey losers!

I'm getting the F#$K out of here. Thanks to your shennanigans and computer savviness of a retarded monkey, not only am I leaving the company, I am leaving the entire f'ing state of Virginia. I know some of you are slow, so let me spell it out for you...I am getting as far away from the daily nightmare saturated with your dumbasses as possible (in case that my superior intellect is further tainted my your ass-hattery antics).

My exit interview paperwork asks "what did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no brainer. Hands down the best thing about working here is taking this exit interview and wiping my ass with it after taking an "upper-decker" in the fourth floor bathroom. I could deliver that answer in poo slathered writing, but unlike most of you savages, I am a gentlemen, so I won't. I also refilled the yellow ink cartridges with hobo urine.

You guys have been the best thing about working here. I mean, who can say that they have worked with an entire cast of missing links? I can honestly and genuinely say I like imagining the inevitable deaths of every one in this office such as eating cactus, walking into open elevator shafts, and staring at the sun with a telescope only to blindly wandering into small aircraft propellers.

My new email address is I_am_your_financial_daddy@eatshitanddie.com . Feel free and send me emails that will be routed straight into my junk mail folder. Your requests for where to find the CYAN printer cartridges will be in good company of wang enlargement supplements and black market prescription medications.

Best of luck with that new "coffee"
--John

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Hi Blog and loyal blog readers. Sorry for the wicked long gap in posting. I've been on a bit of an adventure, in a lord of the rings sort of way, except for battling ogres and throwing a ring into lava, I have been battling A-hole delta employees and throwing my liver into hot liquid magma.

Let me 'splain.

I was in Rome all last week, fighting lions and eating pizza (read as overseeing market research and eating pizza). I laughed and laughed at the terrible weather youz guyz faced one week ago as I donned shorts only to blind people with my pale white legs at the Colloseum.

At that point, I must have offended some sort of ancient god of melanin, cause me luck took a run for Sicily at that point.

Example #1: While inflight from Rome to JFK, I noticed that my reading light had a pack of peanuts taped over it as it was turning off and on, on its own. "Oh that's cute" I thought and then remembered hearing some Ghetto version of a delta airline commercial that circulated via the Netz a few years back.

Then the electric anomaly extended to the stewardess call button and the entire flight was treated to incessant, arhytmic DING DING...DING.........DING...DING DING DING...DINGing for damn near 9 straight hours. It got so bad that I saw the priest in front of my grab his crucifix. I could not tell if he was praying for forgiveness for wanting to stab me with his crucifix or just praying to the sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus to take us down. I have never seen so many dirty looks in my life, and let me tell you, I am no stranger to dirty looks (such as the time I called Mr. White Chocolate a "smelly pirate hooker" at a denny's in Hoboken)*

So we finally touchdown in JFK and I scramble to catch my connecting flight. No one likes missing flights, but this one was especially important, cause I was meeting a friend in Richmond to drive me to the outerbanks for my bachelor party. As I arrived to my gate, I noticed that my flight was postponed by 2 hours. As boarding time approached, I checked the board again only to discover that the flight had been cancelled. Rat farts.

So I wait in line to see what my options are. After waiting a hour in line, I told the Delta agent to work her magic and get me the F out of there to DC, Richmond, Norfolk, Newport News, anywhere closer to OBX. She gave me a sassy HMMMPPPH and typed away.

DeltaDouche:"Good news! we can get you to Richmond...on monday...maybe."

Irate T15:"Wait, you do realize that it is Friday F'iing night right?"

DD "Yes."

Doubly Irate T15: "So what do I do in this situation?"

DD: "I don't know."

Triply Irate T15: "Where is that priest and his crucifix shank, cause T15 is about to cut a bitch." "Just give me my bag so I can get my Amtrak salvation on"

DD: "I can't. It is going to Richmond."

T15: "I hope your child grows up to be the next Britney Spears." "So how am I supposed to get it?"

DD: "Pick it up at the airport."

T15: "And how am I supposed to get to the airport."

DD: "Stumped beyond all possible levels of stumpedness...I guess they will bring it to you"

T15: "To the outerbanks?"

DD: "I guess"

T15: "Just send it to my home address"


So you would hope that things would be smooth sailing after that fiasco, right? Well I got to Penn Station in NY at 8PM and asked for the 1st train to DC.

Ticket agent sez: "3:00 am and it is selling out fast"
T15: "All holy hell? are you kidding?"
Ticket agent sez: "Next train after that is 6:45am"

Broken, I buy the ticket, then call everyone I know to tell them the personal hell I am facing thanks to the laws of karma and laughing at the snow while in Italy. I guess my recognition of this allowed for my release, as for as soon as that conversation concluded, an old man came over and told me he overheard my plight and said the ticket agent gave him the same story, but after plugging away on the self serve kiosk for several minutes was able to get on the 9PM train.

A few tries later, I was on the 10PM train, on my way back to DC to catch a ride in the morning to the OBX, where two 40 ounce vessels of malt beverages and a roll of duct taped awaited.

To be continued....

Ciao!

I'm off to the country shaped like a boot for the next week.

Adios!

Lost, we have to talk...

I know we have just come off from spending time apart, but I really think it is time that we go our separate ways.

Now, now, don't go getting all upset, really it is for the best. After all, things have been going downhill for quite sometime, and I am struggling to deal with some of your habits. You're a great show really. It's all about me and my lack of patience and demanding personality and it is not fair to expect you to change just to fit my needs.

It has become quite evident that your free spirited nature (read as: aimlessness and in ability to commit) does not fit with my need for stability or purpose (read as: time to answer some damn questions...like where the hell is that radio transmission coming from? or Why is there a cable going into the ocean? Or who was the freak with the eyepatch?).

We will always have the good times, like the first time you forced a new character into the line-up, only to blow him up during sweeps week. As Hurley said, "Dude, you got a little Artzed on you." And who could forget the Dharma branded sharks among all of the other fun easter eggs you used to provide. Ah those were good times.

I am sure we can still be "friends" but I think the healthy decision to make is to see other shows. To be totally honest, I have been courted by Heroes and that show where Anthony Bourdain travels around the world to make fun of people and eat gross food.

So, goodbye for now.

KIT

Topic 15

I left my Clown in San Francisco

Probably for the best, but among the gifts I was planning to bring home for the future Mrs. T15 was a bag of cheese curls with a disturbing clown on the bag. I found it in the ethnic food isle next to the taco supplies in a market out near Berkley.

While out on the west side, I saw several of the typical touristy things and several non-touristy things. For example, after a trip to twin peaks and en route to the golden gate bridge we drove through the Castro district, well known for its welcoming of"alternate" lifestyles. So welcoming in fact there are restaurants called "the Sausage Factory" and "Squat and Gobble."

No further comment necessary, those pretty much speak for themselves.

We had dinner in a much less flambouyant establishment located back in Berkley called T-rex. It was there that I had my dinner, a death and taxes and a "light" beer.

Death and taxes is good if you like dark, smoky stouts.

"Light" Beer is good if you like your PBR cut with Soda water, cause that is exactly what it is, but for 2 bucks I had to try it.

yes my dinner was 2 beers. I did have a side of fries, but that was only due to the fact that they came with Chipolte ketchup and really who in there right mind can say no to that?

Random-o-rama!

Gonna make this quick since I have been up for the past 18hrs...

First, what kind of message is NBC trying to send with Heroes?

Everyone gets cool powers except the brutha. He gets the magical power to break out of jail. WTF kind of racist shite is that? And his son? The power to rob ATM machines. That's just low. TSK TSK!


Second, guess who I caught a rental car shuttle with at 5:20 AM this morning?

Former WWF mid-carder, Hardcore Bob Holly. I was tempted to have him sign my copy of Wrestlecrap (which I just picked up in Texas), but I thought he might have hit me with a spiked bat or maybe his wife sitting next to him. Hardcore Holly is know to run a little hot, so I decided to play it safe and just gawk.

So, as example of how much an 18hr day takes it's toll, while at the research facility I was forced to consume several cans of diet pepsi to keep from falling asleep. This, in turn, triggered multiple trips to the restrooms. On my second trip, I couldn't help but wonder why the bathroom was so much cleaner and well lit than my first trip. Then I asked myself, where the hell did the urinals go. And then it hit me like a rolled up copy of In Touch magazine. I was standing in the ladies room. Thankfully, I was in full drag, so no one noticed.

Ok that's a lie.

Truth be told no one was there.

Still Life

Here is an interesting short film I saw on a recent flight...

Hogwarts Idol

Hey kiddos,

Sorry for the recent lack of postage.

I am all caught up in the american idol craze.

No, not really.

But seriously I am.

Anyhow, me and melady were watching the Memphis tryouts when this dude rolled on the seen. He thought he was all undercover, but I totally recognized Voldemort with a tan.

Hey Voldie, don't quit you day job. You can't carry a tune in a bucket.

And while we are on the subject of freaks on TV, the zoo keepers at NBC were kind enough to bring us this...

I went to pillage the NOND website for a picture of the offspring of a dirty old man and a giant pair of eyes (see to the left) and then I saw the clip on the right which indicates that pop sensation Hanson will be making an upcoming appearance. Maybe they will delight us with their update hit, Post-op-MMMMMMBop.

NBC, have you no shame? I certainly hope not. Time to give FOX a run for their money.

At home Mythbusting...

OK, so my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to run my very own ionic foot cleasing experiment.

The test group was my left and right foot.

The control group was running the set-up sans feet.

Here are the results....

At the five minute mark, the water is starting to look like a vat of low grade whiskey mixed with hobo urine. No discernable difference between the test and control group.

At the ten minute mark strange bubbles start to form on the surface. While both groups show bubbles, the experimental group seems to have a greater proportion.

Five minutes after switching the polarity of the car batter charger (20 minute mark) the top layer begins to look like Roy Roger's BBQ sauce and I begin to crave a holster of fries. Little noticable difference, minus the bubbles. The control group is still lagging behind the diseased jelly fish found floating on the surface of the experimental group.

At the end of the 30 minute run, both groups show similar water color with a mix of sediment that looks like paprika and algea floating on the top of the water.

The experimental group shows more bubbles, but that may be a function of water level. The control group does not have feet to displace water, thus has a lower water level. The bubbles seem to emerge from the point where the ionic plate hits the water down to its end under water. The more of the plate under water, the more bubbles you get.

So who knows for sure what effect this device is having. I am tempted to run a few more trials, including additional test groups such as a pack of hot dogs and maybe a small child.

Battle Jelly Donut! Battle Jelly Donut!

Some may ask, where have all the updates gone?

Well I retort, no level of mad crazy creativity can compete with this completely true story of Jelly Donut crashing a Lady SOV show to challenge her to a rap battle, only to have that midget decline.

That is the poor state of affairs of current rap music, when someone who considers herself the biggest midget in the game is skerd to battle it out with a pastry.

Sign #1 that it has been a long a$$ week...

Trying to start your car using your house key.

Or maybe that's plain old fashion crazy.

Ever want to...

Play the guitar and drums at the same time, but want to avoid looking like one of those one man band asshatts?

Let this kat, Andy Mckee show you how it's done!



Pretty freakin' sweet!

Topic15 -- KRS-ONE Connection

Ok, so on the way back from the gym today, I felt my last post comes across as a bit harsh on ole KRS-one.

It is borderline haterade and that's typically not my style.

On the contrary, I rather like his musical creations and furthermore just realized I have my very one 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon type connection with the Blastmaster (AKA KRS-One AKA The teacha AKA KRS ICHIBAN) and it is more than having his We in there/Duck Down cassette single forever stuck in my parents 1984 Blue Pontiac 6000 station wagon.

One of the first friends I made in collage (outside of my roomates) was a jersey girl named Heather D. Heather D. had a high school friend who hooked up with Eric Nies, from MTV's very first and only good season of the real world. Supposedly the kid was a real tool in high school. He then went on to be a famous tool and then a forgotton tool.

One of Eric Nies's roomies was Heather B. Probably remembered by a few hip hop afficionados such as myself for her semi-popular but quite nice track All Glocks down found on her debut album. Her track is not only described as a "Slept on, Boom Bap Classic" (Old School Ran-dee from da bronx, 2005) but was produced by none other than Kenny Parker himself.

Kenny Parker is yet another alias for KRS-One.

So that was only 4 degrees rather than six. Sue me. There are four corners of the globe, four horsemen and connect four. What cool things are there six of?

Yeah I thought so.

K.nowledge R.eigns S.upreme O.ver N.early E.veryone

In case you were wondering what KRS-ONE stood for.

Yup yup, the hip hop mastermind behind hits such as 13 and good and Holding your D!ck like a throttle.

Anyhow, I had to fire this off in response to Pyggie's call to see PM Dawn and felt compelled to steal this from another site and share amongst my people.

Puttin da' hood in Robin Hood.

Start plagarism here ->

Expectations were high - KRS and other conscious rappers from the "Stop the Violence" movement that he helped start were talking about building a revolutionary black army around hip-hop.

KRS was never able to fulfill that overly ambitious goal. In 1992, as his popularity began to wane, PM Dawn front man Prince B questioned KRS's credibility as a hip hop teacher. BDP crashed the next PM Dawn show and proceeded to physically remove them from the stage while the crowd chanted "KRS-ONE! KRS-ONE!" Although this event garnered press and makes for an entertaining story, it left the greater hip-hop community confused about the state of hip-hop and the role of its leaders.

Was KRS really a revolutionary activist, or just a self-centered entertainer concerned about money?

<- End unoriginal bastardness

Beating up PM Dawn? That's a not a new low, that's a cry for help.

Who's next?

A napping Stephen Hawkings?

Or the corpse of Christopher Reeves?

Just say no

This is your spider.

This is your spider on drugs...

Snake on a cake

No better way to say Happy Birthday than a little snake on a cake action.

For none other than everyone's favorite governess.

Barbara ist hell, intensiv goldgelb, samtweich und vollmundig.

I'm not sure what that means in Swiss German, but I would guess that it describes the beer as having a robust bouquet tasting of hell, expensive goldfish, a sandwich and Lord Voldemorte.

Then again, I don't speak Swiss German, so my interpretation of the text could be way off.

I can attest, however, from personal experience, that Barbara is quite good, one smooth operator, and tastes divine in an Old English 800 sort of way.

If anyone happens to come across this stuff this side of the pond, be sure and grab me a case.

It's kinda like a Dyson, for your feet...

Anyone up for some interesting fodder for post-holiday googling?

Try this one ION FOOT CLEANSING.

Guess who gave that a go this Christmas? Your very own topic15.

I highly doubt words can express the experience, but let me try.

This is going to be long, so stick with me. I will try to be as concise as possible, but there is a lot of 'splainin that need be done. Things start getting good around point 4.

Point1
First, my mom is a certifiable health junky. Far beyond diet and exercise, she regularly fasts and takes supplements to help boost immunity and rid one's body of toxins. Somehow she came across this whole ionic floot cleansing racket and thought it sounded interesting.

After a fair amount of research, she decided to invest in the "budget" version of the machines you see when you do the google search. More on that in a bit.

Point2
For some background on Ionic foot cleansing (IFC from this point on), here's what you need to know. Everyday, our bodies collect all sorts of nasty crap from the food we eat and the air we breath. Thankfully, our bodies are pretty darn good at processing that stuff, especially when we are in peak health.

Aside from traditional methods of excretion, the body also releases junk from pores in our skin. Ever eat a monster load of onions and/or garlic and then go for a run the next day and smell like all holy hell? That's the body sweating out the junk.

What part of the body tends to sweat a lot an smell hella bad? Da' feet. Apparently, feet are like the bodies equivalent of the county landfill.

Point3
Remember how I stated, a mere six sentences ago, how our bodies are good for processing junk when we are in peak health? Well, few of us are in peak health, so we could use a little boost. In comes the IFC ma-chines. I don't know the exact science behind it, but the ghetto version is this, the IFC machine polarizes the water with either a positive or a negative charge and then switches. This, in effect, creates some freaky magnetic suction of the crap in your feet, and osmotically draws it out.

Hence, rather than relying on the body to push it out, it helps move things along by pulling. Sort of like a turbo works on a car or that lady who pulls babies out of preggo's.

Point4
My mom buys the machine, tries it out, as does my dad and my sister. They tell me all about it over Christmas eve dinner and ask if I want to try it. Sounds rather innocuous enough, right? Well let me remind you that my mom bought the budget version of the machine ($300 vs the real deal machine that costs $3000).

Here's the set up:
Step 1. Submerse your feet in a tub of hot water
Step 2. Add in Salt
Step 3. Add in stainless steel ion polarization plate
Step 4. Connect stainless steel ion polarization plate to a car battery charger
Step 5. Wait, WTF is step 4? Are you serious? Is this a Lyndie England product?
Step 6. Seriously? You can't be serious!
Step 7. Turn on the car battery charger and say a prayer
Step 8. Try and pretend you are reading a motor trend magazine
Step 9. Watch in amusement to what happens to the water
Step 10. After 15 minutes switch polarity on the stainless steel plate
Step 11. Watch in sheer horror what happens to the water.

I have a picture, but am hesitant to post it, as for the nightmares it will induce. After the 30 minute treatment, I can only describe the water as primordial ooze. It was black, brown and bubbly.

When I researched the meaning of this combination, it indicated a cleansing of the liver and removal of heavy metal toxins. Ironically, the night before, I consumed several 40's of Schlitz and I think I ate the cap. Consider me a believer.

PS... As a natural scientist, my mom tried a control group (ie running the IFC machine with no feet in the tub) to see what would happen to the water. It changed color slightly, but no where near what happened with any of our feet. Furthermore, my mom, my dad, my sister and me all saw different results in coloration.

PSS...My feet are still tingling.

Merry Christmas!

One should be so lucky as to find this under their tree...



Courtesy of Smell my face Belt Buckle Rob, your very own Schlitz Blue Bull Malt Beverage candlestick phone.

Ghetto Classic. Ghlassic.

Interested in one fo yo'self?

Check here.

POW! Right in the eye

A little fun Tuesday math problem....

[(Topic15 - Eyeglass)+ Paintball] / Capitol Offense Paintball Krew =

.
.
.
.
.

POW! Right in the eye!

Happy Holidays you hooligans

My latest work...

World's tallest man saves dolphin

I write good things from time to time, but no F'in way can I compete with this latest news blurb from the beeb.


The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.

Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.

Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.

Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world's tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).


Recovering
Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.


The mammals had lost their appetite and were suffering depression, aquarium officials said.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten.

He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said Mr Bao was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Local doctor Zhu Xiaoling told the state media agency Xinhua: "Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs.

"However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."

Mr Bao was confirmed as the world's tallest living man by Guinness World Records last year.

He overtook the previous holder, Radhouane Charbib of Tunisia, by just 2mm.

Guinness World Records say Mr Bao was of normal height until 16 but then put on a spurt that doctors were unable to explain, reaching his full height in seven years.

Since the Green Machine is off the table...

I guess I could always ask santa for this...




It combines my love of the Price is Right, Fate, and Libations.

It's almost Ring of Fire for Dummies.

The Mean Green Machine...

Big ups to huffy for bringing back the pimpest big wheel of all times...


The almighty green machine.

Yes indeedy, I most definitely rocked one of those back in the day. Lowridin' on a big wheel doing donuts and everything.

Now if only they made one of those for adults. I know what I'd be asking Santa for.

Until I get the kinks worked out of the time machine...

BTW whatever happened to Bonkers?

That's one hell of a burrito

On my quest to unearth new and exciting ways to prepare tasty burritos, I decided to combine three of my favorite things and wrap them in a flour tortilla shell.

Here's what I did...

Step 1: Prepare a batch of Honey Chipolte Baked Beans. Aw man, these things are wicked good, but take a few hours to make.

Step 2: Prepare a batch of grilled chili-lime chicken tenders. Again, factor in the proper time to marinate and this takes several hours.

Step 3: Open a can of PBR and split evenly between steps 1, 2, and me.

Once everything is cooked, use freshly shredded sharp cheddar, sour cream and Frank's red hot and wrap it up!

I considered then grill the actual burrito, but at that point it was close to 9:30 PM and I really just wanted to eat.

Anyhow it was pretty good.

Was it worth 8+ hours of prep?

eh.

They sure don't make commercials like they used to...

Donuts... 3rd world style

As if you really needed another reason to love youtube...

Now you have this...

I'm on a roll...

I'm on a bagel.

big ups to Mr. Nogay, my high school science teacher for that fantastic joke.

Anyhow, I am making up for lost blogging today.

Here is something else you need to watch.

It is pretty fantastic.

Seperated at Birth II

Ok, I slept on this post for nearly a month, but who watched the last Sawyer-specific epy of Lost?

Anyone notice the Warden?

Anyone else realize that he had a long lost twin?

Old man topic15

Note to self for tomorrow Happy birthday to me!

PS you are old, old man.

Example #1
Among the birthday haul, one of the more noteworthy gifts included the 20th anniversary edition DVD of the Transformers movie. This provides all the evidence necessary to document my progress into the golden years.

First, it has been 20 years since that flick was released and I was first in line to see that bad boy on the big screen.

Second, the movie opens up as follows... "It is the year 2005 and the decepticons have overrun the autobot strong hold on cybertron..."

2005? Shazbot! that was damn near two years ago.

In further evidence, I had to chase a bat out of the house. Yes, a rather uninvited thanksgiving guest, this big ole nasty vampire bat chased my boo all over the townhouse while I was talking my old man mid afternoon nap. Let me tell you, that is one heck of a wake-up call.

Time to start working on the xmas list. When the F is Rad coming out on DVD? How can I get Michael Bolton's mustache?

Two things...

1. Note to self...when choosing a font color, be sure not to use the same color as the background.

2. Got the cliff notes from the new, tell all OJ Simpson book. It goes a little something like this:

Chapter1
I killed that skeezer.

The end.


Go ahead and scratch that off the must have list.

Sometimes truf be stranga den fiction

Courtesy of wikipedia...

Gibsonton is an unincorporated census-designated place in Hillsborough County, Florida, United States. The population was 8,752 at the 2000 census.

Gibsonton was famous as a sideshow wintering town, where various circus "freaks" would spend the off season. It was home to Percilla the Monkey girl, the Anatomical Wonder, and the Lobster Boy. Siamese twin sisters ran a fruit stand here. It is the only post office with a counter for dwarves. Aside from the agreeable winter climate, Gibsonton offered unique circus zoning laws that allowed residents to keep elephants and circus trailers on their front lawns.

Next time you are in Florida, why not stop by and say hi to the bearded lady and the fat man. As I understand they were both character witnesses for the trial on the murder of lobster boy (who rumor has it, was a total prick).

You thought I was joking, didn't you?

These 12+ hour work days are taking their toll on me.

I flew into LA at close to midnight a few days ago (that's like 3 AM local time).

Halfway delusional, rolling in the rental car, I decided if Lady SOV can peddle that crap and pawn it off as rap, why can't I?

So I wrote a little song.

Wanna hear it?

Hear it goes...

Ring the alarm cause the kid’s on the scene
Electrified lyrics like a robot’s wet dream
Ya’naw mean, sizzlean?
Gassed out like a burrito jelly bean

Listen to my lyrical extravaganza
Or I’ll have to donkey punch yo ass like my name is tony danza
Who’s the boss, hoss?
Iced out dookie, cause that’s how I floss.

Grab a map cause you’re lost
at the hand of the panda
and the rhymes that I just tossed
Out the window like an empty can of fanta

Platinum Grape soda, like a used lexus
Riding dirty in the Taurus on my way back from texas
Where I punched a one eyed fat kid in the solar plexus.
Like a leg syndrome my flow is relentlessly restless.

Word up.

Where's MY contract Jova?

Where you at?

So I have been on the low-low, working on my rap skills and training with a super secret squad of martial art maniacs.

You want a taste of a typical training session?

Do you wanna see tough?

Gone till November

Well November 17th if you want to be specific.

I am on the road doin some research and I had myself a little adventure this evening.

I rode the NY subway and it was nowhere near as bad as I would have imagined. It was well lit, the ceiling wasn't dripping and there was only one puddle of urine in my subway car.

Up next, that biggest ass state otherwise known as texas.

Hate Actually

It's time for some good old fashion ranting and raving.

For some reason beyond the realm of explanation, I have fostered a robust hatred for the word actually over the course of the past few weeks.

Not actuality or actual, just actually.

Methinks this is largely a function of the context in which I have overheard the usage of this word.

With the exception of one usage, the consistent application of this word has served no more purpose than to imply...

"Look turd brains, unlike me, you have far less than a clue, perhaps even a negative clue. It is truly your lucky day, consider I have graced you with my presence. Let my grand intellect do you a favor just this once, since I am such a great and benevolent being, and give you just a glimpse of knowing the real truth. BTW you suck and your mother dresses you funny, and not funny like a clown."

If I ruled the world, I would grant people slapping rights upon hearing that word in a conversation.

Hip Hop es Muerto

WILLIAM H MACY! It's official. Rap is dead.

Is that what rap music has come to?

A 13 year old looking white girl from UK?

Eazy-E is rolling over in his grave right now.

Fettes Brot is our only hope.

Daaaaaaamn!

Those better be midgets, or else I am going to go buy a liger this weekend.

Who needs to pay for gas, when you could have your own battlecat?

Just some good ole boys...

Van Damn! Who would have thought the general would be choppin' it up in Maine?

Now that's how I want to go...

These stingray's get more gangsta everyday...

Stingray leaps into boat, stabs man in chest.

Poncho and Lefty

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding his having been caught with a bag of marijuana:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana, instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."

Rodeo o' Randomness

First off, let me tell you, 2 meals into this whole apple diet, I am not a fan, unless they have a special breed of apple that tastes like popeye's, it's going to be a long three days.

Why am I doing the apple diet?

For the story and I don't feel like cooking.

In other news, that picture of those freakishly big solo cups? That was all CJ's and smell my face belt buckle rob's. There you go.

In other other news, I have gone far too long being annoyed, not only by the phrase soup to nuts, but by wondering what the heck does it mean?

Turns out it refers to a full course meal, probably of med. decent, as they tend to feature an app. of soup, main course and nut based dessert. There you go.

Now I can go on just being annoyed at the phrase.

And while we are on the origin of phrases, you are not gonna believe me, but I am gonna tell you anyways...last week...in training...the teacher definitely used the phrase "laying in the cut."

Anyone know what that means? Well, I am gonna tell ya. In prisons, there are certain areas just beyond the view of security cameras. These are referred to as "the cut." Laying in the cut refers to the act of stealthily waiting, just out of camera view, most like to attack someone with a stabbing device, otherwise known as a shank or a shiv.

Speaking of shanks and shivs, I figured out what I will bestow upon my groomsmen. Monogramed throwing knives. Sweet.

Well, time to go.

I have two apples with my name on them.

Yay.

Where have you been?

Sorry for the lack of recent posts as of late. I was goaded into playing a game of flip-cup with these:

I was passed out for like a week and a half.

Now I am on the apple diet. I'll write more about that later.

How to win a fight in applebee's

Here's my of mix of some of Bas's greatest tips.

Pez-stilence

It's been a busy week for office pranks.

Case #2
A coworker leaves town for a week only to return to a shocking scene, the mass suicide of his entire pez dispencer collection.

Office Prank Returns>>Econo-Cubicle<<

Here is a typical size cubicle...

While out of the office last we, we decided to redesign one of our co-worker's cubicle.

Compared to the grossly inefficient full size cubicle, the new economy-sized cubicle has been designed to enhance productivity by limiting distracting window access, abundant oxygen, and wasted movement.

Thank goodness I don't have any vacation time to use.

ROCK ON you old sailor you!

Among other things, this past weekend's adventures included a trip to the renaissance festival.

While waiting in line to buy tickets, I looked over at some guy in the line next to ours. As he approached the ticket booth, he stood on his tippy toes to get a bird's eye view of the ticket wench's cleavage. He then proceeded to give ye olde motorboat to said wench.

Right then, I knew the bar was set high.

Probably a bit too high, cause nothing else came close to topping that in terms of highlights.

A distant second was a 9 year old boy dressed as a viking. He was watching "Human Chess" and was calling out the opposing team, demanding to "KILL HIM! CUT OFF HIS HEAD! ROCK ONNNNNNNN SIR WILLIAM!" He was really into this thing, probably to an unhealthy extent given his age.

Then in a sad reality check of life, an eight year old girl asked him why he was wearing tights. Ouch!

Stay tuned, coming soon, another volley in the war of the office pranks.

Hmmmmm...

Ever wonder what it would be like if a reese cup, butter finger and Mr. goodbar had a threeway in your mouth?

Well wait no more. Look at what those evil geniuses at Reese's just came up with...

What Would Bas Rutten Do?

BANG BANG BANG

Aw man, if I knew it was gonna be that kind of party, I would have...

Brought a fully loaded baked potato into the mens.

Apparently someone else did...

Yes, another interesting story from this past weekend, stems from Monroe's supper club, the ultra shady bar at the Long Island Holiday inn.

We stopped down for a drink and watched a few songs get butchered while Karaoke wrapped up.

Then the real fun began, LI over 30 singles night.

Yes, we witnessed long thought to be extinct sights such as Denim-cubed (jeans, denim shirt and jean jacket) and an authentic rat tail, on a woman no less.

What kind of bar would you find such things?

The same kind of bar that serves soupy fish for free at the hottest over 30 (and in several cases, waaaaaaaaaaay over 30) party this side of Kazakhstan.

The same kind of bar that features Don Rickles as a bouncer.

And yes, the same kind of bar, where you find half eaten baked potatos in the mens.

Yeah.

Where am I going? And Why am I in this handbasket?

As if there were any lack of compelling evidence of my post-mortum destination, I spent the vast majority of the mass I attended during a wedding coming up with new and improved non-existant drinks to mess the bartenders during the reception.

I then realized, it would be soooooo much easier if I took like 7 or 8 quality words and dumped them into some sort of random compiler to come up with drinks.

I think I would use words like whiplash, mexican, banana, salty, chubby, eskimo, blowhole, and freight train. That's really all you need.

Think of the possibilities...

Barkeep! I'll have a banana whiplash, stat.

Huh?

You know, a cross between a mexican freight train and a salty blowhole.

Whu?

Fine, just make me a chubby eskimo.

Ok Ok...Miller lite.

Or do I want a Headless albino Fireman?

I stand corrected...

Ok ok ok, so sue me, I got the lyrics for the theme of Dukes of Hazzard wrong. In my defense Waylon Jennings needs to work on his enunciation.

The correct title of the previous post should have been Straight'n the curves, Flat'n the hills.

I agree that it makes much more sense, but still like my version for that certain aire of mystery, I mean, anyone can Flat'n a hill, but who the hell can Flap'n a hill?

Straight'n the curves, Flap'n the hills...

Good news!

We found a limo to go with our Nacho Cheese Fountain and PBR!

Oh now I remember...

That Pootie tang video I put on YouTube...

Over 10,000 views.

Damn.

I bet 10,000 people didn't even see the movie when it was in the theaters.

Sa-da-tay!

Potluck

A couple of random tidbits...

The war of the office pranks continued last week as an unsuspecting JB returned to his cubicle to find an assortment of turds hidden in various locations.

Good god people, we are not animals. We did not use real fecal matter. Just pictures of real fecal matter. Some of my favorite additions included a picture of poo taped unto the mouth piece of the phone and relabelling a trophy displayed on the book case to read "Most Corn Laden Stool" 1975.

Yeah I know. Childish. Nyah!

A second point I wanted to cover off on has to do with stickers on cars. As much as I tend to look down upon them, I can't help but admire this one.

Hot or not?

I had a third topic, but it evades me at the moment, so in its place go have a look at this glorious commercial from Sprint.

Butterfly in the sky...

I can go twice as high.

You know, I once gave a guest book review on that show that never aired.

It was part of some stupid essay writing contest they had at my elementary school.

Anyhow when I showed up, I thought I would have the chance to review a book of my choice. I just finished reading Jaws and was reading to talk about the great white terror, when they came in and gave me some dumbass low rent retarded knock off of "Where the wild things are." I was pretty pissed, but figured I would make it work.

When I got on camera I started to give the review, but broke down in the middle claiming they were making me review it under the threat of being beaten.

Lavar Burton was not amused.

He tried to talk down to me, but I called him out that he was a pompous ass clown under delusions of being a star, when in reality, he was nothing more than a poor man's Mr. Rogers. I then kicked him in the shin and was prompted escorted out of the building.

Somewhere in the vaults of public televisions editing room sits that whole disturbing ordeal. Or not, since I totally made it up five minutes ago. There you go... value adding lies.

*The preceeding is a excerpt includes my retort from an ongoing friday none of us really want to work so check this out email discussion.

Can't we all just get along?

Way to fight those stereotypes CBS "Survivor!"

In this season, there are four tribes split by race. Contestants didn't realize this was the dealio until Propes split them up into the Cracka tribe, the Bruthaz and Sistaz, the asians and the hispanics.

Once the gig was up, folks quickly realized they went from being under the normal race magnifying glass to being in front of the race hubble telescope (after the put the lense in correctly). The general sentiment across all tribes was we need to represent and show how shallow existing stereotypes are.

And represent they did.

Here are a few observations...

(a) During the first challenge the hispanics built a boat to get off the island in record time and gained an early lead

(b) The hispanics lost said lead during the puzzle. The asians, however, ripped through the puzzle like a Ginsu through a soda can.

(c) The african-americans came in last, but were allowed to select one person from one of the other teams to go to exile island. Who did they pick? Whitey. They based their decisions on the number of chickens whitey had, and then yelled "Karma is a bizzle."

Way to fight those stereotypes.

Long Lost Lovechild

What happens when you mix Jude Law plus that Elf who wants to be a Dentist from that Rudolph claymation feature along with a bottle of whiskey?



You get their unclaimed love child, featured on the first season of project runway.



While unconfirmed, rumors suggest, Patrick Swayze was in the room watching.

Don't ask me how I ended up watching Project Runway, just know that I did, but only so I could have something to blog about.

Cool.

I am a music junkie.

The kind of guy who could easily spend an entire day in one of those virgin megastores and not even approach the concept of boredom.

I am also extremely lazy.

That is largely the reason I don't spend entire days in virgin megastores...I would have to put on pants and nothing says great weekend like not wearing pants for more than 24hrs straight.

Despite my hethen ways, my non-existant prayers have been answered...

www.pandora.com

It's some kind of music genome project. That's just fancy talk for organizing music by its underlying characteristics. Basically you go to the site, type in a song or artist that you like and voila, you get an online stream of music that shares the same sort of acoustic genetics. You can also zap out any genetic mutatations not to your liking.

And best of all, you don't need to wear pants!

But I better put some on.

After all it is our monthly cake day in the office and I think showing up in my drawers would bode bad for my upcoming performance review.

Hip Hop we come to resurrect you...

For all the damage that MTV and the rapping grandma has done to Hip Hop, Lupe Fiasco has come to put things right.

Packing heated beats and collaboration from Pharrell to that guy from Linkin park to Sean.Carter, this kid is really setting a high bar for his album to clear when it finally drops.

In an interview with Funkmaster Flex he mentioned that he wants to bring Hip hop back to its roots and include social commentary in his raps, but also rap about robots because they are cool too.

I like this kid more every minute. The best damn thing out of chi-town since the Legion of Doom.

Lupe's Food and Liquor dropping 9/19.

Pick it up pick it up pick it up!

Time to revisit my new year's resolution

Like most folks, I fell short of carrying through on my new year's resolution in less than a week.

Considering my resolution was to tell more lies, that is probably not a bad thing.

However, this past weekend, I revisited the idea from an ethical standpoint...Specifically, does the act of telling lies fall into the "bad" bucket 100% of the time?

Obviously if intent is malicious or hurtful, the answer is yes, but what if there were such a thing as a "value adding" lie? Would that be so bad?

For example, after several hours of binge drinking on Friday night I pretty much passed the F out, while my friends were busy continuing the debacle into the wee (read as 4AM) hours of the morning. I knew what I must face the next morning, a stark grilling of what the hell happened to you last night, wussy.

Rather than come clean and admit I was tired and the room was spinning and I just booted my hobo dinner of baked beans and PBR, wouldn't it be soooooo much better to reply with something along the lines of "Aw man, you wouldn't believe this! I just finished using the Men's when some sneaky redneck ninja crept up on me from behind and karate chopped me in the neck, knocking me out stone cold. And I was just getting ready to come down and really get the party started and kick all your candy asses in a chugging contest."

I mean, c'mon. That can't be bad. In fact, I think it is down right good!

Crikee! Shanked by a stingray....

The crazy kiwi steve irwin, otherwise known as the croc hunter met his untimely demise at the end of a stingray this weekend.

Here is a picture taken immediately after the attack...

Wait just a cotton picking minute, that doesn't seem to fit with what CNN is reporting. They indicate that Irwin fell at the hands of an evil stingray...

Now take a closer look at exactly who is piloting that attack chopper above...

Probability would suggest, that if you F' with the bull, you get the horns. Or in this case, if you swim too close to a stingray, it will run you down with its attack chopper.

Not even necessary

My cousin sent me a picture of a local asian restaurant that is being remodelled. During renovations, someone vandalized the sign.

I thought maybe someone rearranged the letters, or maybe even painted them to read as Hung Far Low, but no, that's the actual name. When I looked closer I saw that someone just blacked out TAILS from CockTAILS underneath the sign.

Crazy kids.

What ever happened to...

Daily updates?

Sorry blog. I have been busy.

Here is something to keep you entertained for a while till I get some more free time.

Another example of hella-fine cinema, this fight scene is virtually unparralled.

Nothing says smackdown like pretending to be batman and trying on hats in between breaking candyasses off while your sidekick gets busy playing "let's induce seizures" with the lights.

BTW that is pretty much the best movie ever.

What ever happened to...

The Jukka Brothers?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5524349327011110552

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ad2g4jCaf4w

It's gonna be a random friday like that.

Grimlock loves fridays!

He really does.

That's all I am going to say about that, cause that's how I roll.

They were really pushing it with the shamrock shake...

but this plain crosses the line.

I really wanted to wait unti St. Patricks day for this post, but I am not a patient man and the world must know the truth.

I think I am maybe 10% irish, but I find this 100% offensive.

First of all, whoever came up with the brilliant idea of a cool plastic bag hand puppet to give away to kids, should be shot. Hey kid, here's something to keep you entertained...a plastic bag.

Nevermind, decorating it with a borderline offensive "irish grimace" complete with shamrock vest and shelayle. I can only imagine the reaction to a Kwanza version, baby-daddy Grimace.

It's like chaser 2000 for procrastinators...

Who need bother interupt their excessive drinking habit with periodic breaks to chew on pills and drink water?

Not me.

In true, let's burn the bridge when we come to it fashion, I only deal with hangovers far too late to avoid them.

Well not anymore.

Introducing Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief, a product who's tagline (according to a coworker) is "feel better than you deserve to"

Who wouldn't support a product that has the following information listed on its website?


Hangover Cures and Interesting Info
Money down the drain. Productivity losses in the workplace due to hangovers are $148 billion.

Residents from the State of Nevada consume the most beer - 367 bottles a year. Maybe it should be called the "Beer State", not the "Silver State."

Americans are lucky to have Alka-Seltzer® Morning Relief™ as their hangover cure.

Other countries have their own unique hangover cures:
a. In Germany, some folks eat marinated fish to cure hangovers
b. To cure hangovers in Holland, many eat raw baby herring covered in onions
c. Popular hangover cures in Puerto Rico involve rubbing lemons or limes on the underarms

Why America was really discovered.
The pilgrims landed at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts, rather than continuing sailing because they were running out of supplies, especially alcoholic beverages.

In Bavaria Germany, alcohol is not considered a drink. It is legally defined as a staple food.

Corks or Kegs?
In 1998, the United States population consumed an estimated 549,494 gallons of wine. That's the equivalent of 35,451 kegs of beer.

Light to moderate drinkers (0-3 drinks for men; 0-1 drinks for women), not heavy drinkers account for 87% of alcohol related problems at work. Maybe companies should include Alka-Seltzer® Morning Relief™ as part of their benefits package.

The average man buys 2.2 gallons of beer on Super Bowl Sunday.

The average 30 year old consumes 4.5 drinks at one sitting

Don't quit your day job...

I finished a book this weekend.

Big one too.

Over 300 pages.

No Pictures.

Anyhow, I'm certainly no book lubber, but I got hooked into grabbing a copy of Killer Instinct after reading a little snippet in a periodical while travelling.

I figured it would give me something to do on my recent trip to denver.

SO I was in the middle of getting my read on when the stewardess says, "Oh! Great book! I just finished it. You will never believe the end! It has such a twist. I was shocked when I read it."

Let me tell you a little bit about how shocking the ending really was...

It wasn't.

Or maybe it was...if you would consider it a suprise to go see the new Robert De Niro movie and are shocked when he says "Look at me" or if you are floored when Samuel Jackson says "Get these muthaF'n snakes off my motherF'n plane" or if you are surprised when sitting in your car at a railroad crossing that after he lights start flashing and the crossing gate comes down that a train rumbles through a few moments later...or after the sun goes down it comes back up again the very next day...the ending was shocking in that sort of way.

I guess, then, it should come at no surprise how that lady was a stewardess and not a book critic.

This weekend...

I am flying solo and melady is out of town, thus I will probably spend part of the weekend like this.

Booya!

It's a balls, balls world...

So I am in Denver at the moment, and let me tell you, if you ever wondered what it would be like to be a pinball, you should have been on my flight.

Bumpier that Seal's cheeks and a stewardess call system on the fritz, resulting in random beeping every few seconds, the flight out was not that unlike being a pinball in a pinball machine located in PizzaHut circa 1982.

In other balls news, I read in a magazine that the upcoming video game rendition of Scarface will feature a Balls meature. Yup. Balls meature. The more ballsy, your antics, the more your balls meature fills. When it is ball saturated, you can go all ballistic.

In some anti-balls happenings, Advantage rent-a-car was all out of Sebrings/Stratuses. So what kind of whip did they saddle me up with? The escalade? The 300? The Magnum? Nope. The minivan. Sigh.

Well I better go make some practice runs to the soccer field and applebees.

Dang! Do you ever take it off any sweet jumps?

Me ladyfriend's birthday recently passed and as I present I treated her (and me) to a walking tour of DC, but not just any ole walking tour.

Only the craftiest of pimps can go on a walking tour without having to be bothered with the actual walking portion. In true baller style, we took segways.

The first portion of the tour was dedicated to training and instant karma. They say riding a segway is intuitive. "They" also panned the movie E.T.

The first few minutes is like have a few irish car bombs and they riding a skateboard on ice. But you tend to pick it up quick. Except this one old lady, who ran headstrong into a tree.

And me.

After seeing the old bird totally wipe out, I couldn't control my evil thoughts and laughter. I then ran into a fence and broke my fender.

shitballs.

Of course all of this happened in full view of one of the tour guides, who immediately rolled over to check on the segway, (not me). I continued to turn in circles in attempt to hide the broken fender. It worked. Sort of. While he noticed it, I managed to escape without paying the $60 broken fender fee.

Happy birthday baby!

The winds of change are ablowin'

Which means only one thing...

Time to gas up the fear machine, naturally.

Now, I generally steer clear of anything political on ye olde blog, but gawdamn do I ever love a good conspiracy theory!

Most of this information is secondary and/or anecdotal, but why bother looking into anything, no one else seems to.


Anyhow let's get on with it shall we?

Point1: I overheard a coworker discussing congressional elections yesterday and she stated that 3 out of the 4 that were just held resulted in the incumbent losing (that's the dude who's currently in office). This comment was suggestive of a desire for change and a call for new leadership.

Point2: According to ORC vis-a-vis CNN.com A majority of Americans say they will vote for Democratic candidates in the midterm again signaling a call for change.

Point3: Substantial terror plot foiled, reminding us that we are still at war will terrorists and they will stop at nothing until we stop playing favorites and/or bring back that Britney/ K-fed reality series. You know those terrorists and their love for really bad tv shows.

Am I saying the plot was a sham?

No of course not.

I don't even know exactly what the word sham is. I am saying that the order of events is rather interesting all things considered.

And despite the fact that I didn't even consider all things, it is still pretty damn interesting.


PS on an unrelated side note...

Will Ferrell, you owe me for that nacho cheese fountain at the wedding idea....bigtime...

Theory of unrelativity

Some say everything's relative, right?

Well, I challenge that proclamation with my latest video.

It's a mess of old WWII propaganda posters played over a schitty mash-up I made which combines elements of the Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" with a bit of the ole "Insomnia" thanks to Faithless and a splash of "Nightmare" from Brainbug just for good measure.

A fair amount of folks have mashed the first two tracks in that equation, but as far as I know, I am the only one to throw in the third.

Consider yourself warned...

I bought some steak house peanuts recently...


and the manufacturer was kind enough to inform me that my bag of peanuts contained peanuts



Thank goodness, I mean people who are deathly allergic to peanuts might have mistakenly purchased the steakhouse peanuts in pure ignorance if not for that warning.

Thanks blantantly obvious package people.

I heart New York

I'm blogging remotely this week on account of being in new york on business.

I decided to do the new york thing and walk from where I was working (27st) to where I am staying (52st) in what is perhaps the hottest day ever.

BAD IDEA JEANS!

Apparently misery loves company cause it seems like half the city was doing the same thing.

I have to admit, my respect for new yorkers went up a notch today. Not because of their love of walking, cursing or tolerance of the heat.

Oh no.

Because while waiting for the green light on a crowded street corner right there on 42st and madison avenue, it was so loud and so stank, I let loose a fart and nobody even noticed. And it wasn't any half-steppin SBDF either. I shared a good 8 second, cheek clapping, check ya draaaz, restaurant quality, gastronomical purge with the fine citizens of the big apple and no one even blinked.

Damn, they really are unshakable.

Old timey psychology Vol. II

Big ups to Philip Zimbardo and his attempts at creating his own version of Real World: Attica.

PZ was a homeboy of Stanley "shocker" Milgram and like his colleague is associated with one of the more notorious experiments in psych 101 text books, the Stanford Prison experiment. Basically, PZ wanted to answer the question of which comes first, the role or the behavior?

Or in other words, are prison security guard pricks because of their job or because the job attracts pricks? Anecdotally, I would say the latter, but this experiment may suggest otherwise.

Let me let wikipedia break it down for you...

Participants were recruited via a newspaper ad and offered $15 a day ($76 adjusted for today's inflation) to participate in a two-week "prison simulation." Of the 70 respondents, Zimbardo and his team selected 24 whom they deemed to be the most psychologically stable and healthy. These participants were predominantly white, middle class young males. All were college undergraduates.

By a flip of a coin,PZ randomly assigned folks into one of two groups, prisoners and guards and sent them on there merry ways. A few hours later the Palo Alto PoPo rolled up and arrested the "prisoners" and took then to a mock jail set up in the basement of the school.

PZ gathered gaurds and gave them simple instructions. Essentially, do what it takes to keep the prisoners in line, take away their individuality, mess with their minds to create a sense of powerlessness, just don't be violent.

Now, here's where it gets interesting.

In order to make prisoners less like people and more like things, they were dressed in matching muu muus and reffered to by numbers. In order to make guards less individual (accountable) and authoritative, they were dressed in militant khaki's, given prick cop sunglasses and a beat down stick.

A few days into the experiment, PZ had no choice but to pull the plug, as rumors of a planned escaped hatched and hunger strikes and riots erupted among prisoners in protest of the gaurds actions which included...

Bathroom rights became privileges which could be, and frequently were, denied. Some prisoners were made to clean toilets using their bare hands. Mattresses were removed from the "bad" cell, and prisoners were forced to sleep on the concrete floor without clothing. Food was also frequently denied as a means of punishment. Prisoners endured forced nudity and even homosexual acts of humiliation.

Before the experiment, these were peers, probably even friends. In less that a week they were going all Abu. While it doesn't necessarily prove it, it does suggest that in some cases, given the right catalysts, nature can be trumped by nurture.

In other words, perceptions surrounding beliefs and expectations associated with roles can become reality, and cause one to lose sight of one's true self. This is especially relevant when signs of the individual are masked, identity is concealed, and people are less associated with their actions (rather their actions are associated with their roles).

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...

UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Propaganda aaarrrrghh!

Pirate flags just got that much cooler.

Flava Puff

Stated on their site as the Cadillac of Cotton candy, the evil Flava Geniuses have decided to test their brand elasticity with a resealable bucket of cheese balls called Flava Puffs and offer this goodness for like $1.29.

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooodddaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn!

You know I snatched me up one of them pails of puffs for the party!

It might as well be endorsed by Craig "ugly as sin/flava in ya ear" Mack.

It's like the 12 days of christmas this week, except it's only five days and it doesn't end with a presents stuffed under a tree, rather it concludes with a nacho cheese fountain and ghost ridin' the go kart.

Saturday
Can.
Not.
Get.
Here.
Fast.
Enuff.

Anyone have $90,000 to spare?

If so, you can give the middles to the gas industry and not worry about being a target for a wedgie by getting this fine azz electric automobile.

The Tesla Roadster can go from 0 to 60 miles per hour in four seconds. It tops out at 130mph.

It's on like donkey kong!

I bought three 12 packs of PBR and 6 ping-pong balls at the stizzy at lunch, which it's just the start of the fun and exciting things which will be purchased for this upcoming weekend's festivities.

Byaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Watch out! It's getting racial all up in here

Man, as much as I would like to believe we have come a long way since the 50s & 60s in terms of diversity and appreciation for cultural differences, the sad fact of the matter is that we have not.

While things are different than they used to be, they are not necessarily any better. Racism is out and about, but creepin on the DL and I am about to expose it in a true voice of the people style.

Example #1, street signs.

Damn, there are few things as blatantly racists as street signs. What's that you say? You want proof? Well look no futher.

Looking for a book to read?

Looking for a criminal?

Why is it that they put whitey on the sign with someone reading a book and darky on the sign for crime watch?

That's just plain wrong!

Seperated at birth?

Reality TV's "So you think you can dance" Judge, Mary Murphy...

and Union Pacific's M-10000...

My name is mud

Last weekend I competed in Richmond's Muddy Buddy race, an offroad race where you and a partner bike/run/overcome obstacles for like 6 or 7 miles.

The website described the course as most flat. I have come to learn that flat is a relative term and that Pamela Anderson is mostly flat relative to Dolly Parton.

Anyhow, here's a brief rundown...

Here is my hella-fly bike...

Peep my pimp art zip tied on that mug, along with the pink horn and vanillaroma air fresheners on the handlebars. In all, It cost like $80 (bike included) at target. At that price, I had doubts it would see the finish line, but the ole thundercat did just fine.

My team name was Chuck Norris.

I biked the first leg (My teammate, D. Magical ran). This leg was like 1.5 miles, and seemed to be mostly up hill, minus crossing a river (no not on a bridge, I actually carried the bike through the river...well maybe it was a creek). At the end I dropped my bike only to be greeted by a 4 ft wall to be jumped.

I ran the next leg (D. Magical biked). It was long, hot and muddy and we had to climb a cargo net at the end.

Leg3 had a real bitch's bitch of a hill and this crazy inflatable thing you had to scale like 20 ft on one side and slide down the other.

Leg4 was forgetable probably due to the terror inducing balance beam waiting at the end. I managed to cross it successfully without falling and hitting me twig and berries.

Leg5 was like the Shamrock vs Ortiz fight from a few weeks ago, over before it ever got started.
The final obstacle was this big nasty mud pit you had to belly crawl through. It looked like poo, smelled like poo, and according to Occam's Razor, in all likelihood was poo.

D. Magical and I emerged from the other side as chocolate dipped gangstas.

We joined some other friends from team Dirty Dolphin and crushed some red hook and celebrate finishing.

There were a few other interesting team names in the mix...

Powered by PBR

Ha! We stole your bike!

Don't Call Me Mary

Chafed Thighs

Money Shots

Crippled and Crazy

Dirty Sanchez

millivanilli

Flaps of Ham

Here for the Beer

1 bald 1 fat

In Your Eye

Phatphucks

Fud Muckers




Time to start thinking of the next great adventure.

Kick Push Kick Push Kick Push Kick Push and Coassssssst

Aw man I can't get that Lupe Fiasco song outta my head!

So I just had to go watch the video, naturally.

Anyhow, it is a refreshing change from most of the crap titled as hip-hop.

Let me break it down for you...

In true hip-hop style, that video is budget. It was probably shot for $3.50 and a pack of orange tic tacs, just like the good ole days before the industry got behind the genre and got its commercialized hooks all up in it.

Music production is the focus. The song has some of the most 1992 beats I've heard since well 1992. Lupe has a nice flow and actually weaves a nice little narritive together rather than spitting about the rims on his car. I would say he reminds me of Slick Rick, but I recently read that he is inspired by none other than Johnny Cash and his story telling style of music.

Finally, either as non-conformist or a deviant saying FU he takes something generally outside his culture and makes it his. I'm not saying there aren't any brothers who skateboard, I'm just saying they are about as common as white rappers used to be.

Regardless, there just maybe some hope for hip hop afterall.

Drifting the night away

Well I learned a few things about drifting this weekend.

For those who don't know what drifting is, it is essentially driving like an A-hole around corners so that the a$$end of the car swings out and you glide through the corner all fast & furious style.

Anyhow, I signed up for US Drift 101, a course that teaches you the art and science of drifting.

What I didn't know, upon signing up, is that you are required to use your own car. Still I thought me and the 'ru would manage just fine.

Upon arrival, I saw that there were 26 other folks signed up for the course and no less than 20 of them were driving the same type of car, a Nissan 240 and one of the more fast and furious styled cars even had a fancy lil sticker across the windshield that read DRIFTING FOR JESUS. I am sure the son of God appreciates the effort.

Anyhow of the remaining 6 cars, mine was the only non-rear wheel drive car. Brilliant. Furthermore, as I pulled in to the lot, I noticed 90% of the cars were beaters and beyond that, the yahoo's were jacking up the rears to put sets of super schitty tires on. Me and the 'Ru got more that our fair share of comments which ranged from "Dude are you gonna drift the wagon? Ohhhhh Snap! That's just crazy!" to "This car is too nice for drifting, take it easy so you can drive home at the end of the day."

I heard the second comment from no less than 3 different instructors. I thought they were being nice until I saw some kid take his S2000 off the track only to loose 1/2 of the front bumper and part of the radiator to the lip (curb) of the track. Even worse, the oil pan plug got ripped out, and he drove the car off the track spewing oil, coolant and his pride. I am not sure how that conversation will go with the insurance company, but I am sure it will be interesting.

Anyhow, here are my key learnings:

Drifting takes skill and a capable and preferably non-daily driven car, of which I have neither.

However, when it comes to my go-kart, that's a whole nother story. I'll get that monster more sideways than a movie about wine and relationships.

And then there is this...

Target's mascot, Bullseye, acknowledges Charlize Theron's beauty and acting talent in a way that online a canine can, the red rocket salute.

I could have made a joke about Bullseye offering to help reapply her lipstick, but that would just be in poor taste.

Acid Trip

Check one more box off the nuptial to-do's as it looks as if we locked down a DJ for the festivities.

Melady found a rave review on da knot about a club dj who plays weddings on the side, and we arranged to go meet with her (yes a female dj, a tatted up one too).

We got to her place a little early, but she invited us in, nonetheless, claiming she would return to her project afterwards. Her project, as it turns out, was compiling a playlist for a Mash-up party she is playing at the Black Cat.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I asked "Are you making a playist of mash-ups or making the actual mash-ups?" It was the latter as she flipped open her laptop and played her project, a lil ditty blending Prince and Tom Jones.

I was sold, both on the DJ and the software.

I used 7,000 sony points that I have earned from 3 years of gym payments and my prepaid phone to redeem my very own copy of Sony Acid Studio, which I received just last night. No less that 2 hours out of the box, I had made my very first schitty mash-up, blending Soul2Soul's "Keep on Movin" with Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner."

I'd post it, but I don't know how and I don't have a myspace page, cause that's how I roll.

It's not so much a mash-up, save for 1 or 2 brief parts, as much as it is beatmatching and cutting back & forth between the two songs. Still the software is pretty damn hott and if I do say so myself a valiant first effort.

Ironically after my first experimentation with Sony Acid, I found myself having the strangest dream ever, something about the transmission of intelligence through energy...sort of like a wireless internet connection into your cabeza.

I think their may have been pudding involved too, which as it just so happens, is not only delicious, but holds the same consistency of grey matter according to one of my former psych professors, who liked to lecture about acid of all things.

Circle of life and all that jazz I suppose.

Anyone know where I can borrow a karaoke machine?

BREAKING NEWS *** Crack found in foam on shuttle's fuel tank

Marion Barry volunteers to remove the problem.

Ghost ride da whip!

It's basically the new cabbage patch but with a car.

Can't wait to ghost ride the go kart in a few weeks.

Evil Pleasures...

I really have no tolerance for slow people.

I'm not talkin about wearing a helmet slow, but people who impede my bidness in some way by taking there sweet ass time, like this is their world and I am just living in it.

Wrong!

So anytime I can get a little passive aggressive poke at these donkey punchers, I feel bad about the fact that I feel so good about my actions (ie cutting in front of a sunday driver in a parking lot and then getting an exponentially better parking space).

I had something like that happen about 30 minutes ago.

There are a couple of high profile weekends on deck, so melady and I decided it was time to upgrade ye olde camera. Some quick online research and comparison shopping and we found our choice (Sony DCS-W70) and best price (circuit city).

So we headed off to the store.

Why oh why is it when you are only looking around, the salesfolk are all up on your dillznik like white on rice, but when you have a legit question, it's a mutha-funkin' ghost town?

Anyhow, it really didn't matter cause we knew exactly what we wanted. The only problem was this entire family unit was blocking the display case like they owned the place, debating whether or not to buy the same damn camera we were there to get.

I guess the only thing they didn't bother discussing was the fact that there was only one camera left in the case and figured they could debate the matter until the cows come home.

Quickly we grabbed another worthless sales jabroni and got him to get the last one out of the case on the DL while the Waltons were looking the other way.

So after an excessive amount of jaw-jackin, they decided they wanted to buy, only we ended up with the last one in stock in hand, and took some twisted pleasure in watching the family's collective confused look as they tried and tried and find it. Even their sharp as a bowling ball sales associate kept looking and looking since the inventory showed just one more in stock.

Suckaz!

That's just how we roll. Either Get in & get out or get the F out the wayyyyyy!

So as soon as I sort out how this new fan-dangled contraption works, be on the look out for some hot new audio-video production-izzies!*

Barring any instant karmic retributions.