Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The jokes on you!
Let me 'splain.
For whatever reason, everytime I go to Borders I feel compelled to root through the bargain book bins. Perhaps it is because I feel that all books deserve a good home. Perhaps it is because I am a cheap bastard. Either way it is just how I roll.
On my last trip I found a real gem....Adult Only Practical Jokes and an absolute steal for a mere $4.99. I figured it would be a great resource in trying to come up with some good pranks for around the office.
Unfortunately, there was good reason this book was marked down. The 90% practical jokes are bloody awful. And the last 10% are a toss up between poor jokes and just plain being cruel.
Here are a few examples...
The Welshman
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking jibberish and singing all the time.
Mondays
Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of Vodka in your jacket pocket and taking sigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.
Water Anybody
Ask a friend if they would like a drink of water, but instead give them PowerAde.
As if you couldn't guess those are example of the awful ones.
Some of the cruel ones include...
Blind Relatives
Increase blind relatives utility bills by switching all of their lights on.
Shocking
Run a wire from one of the spark plug wires at the distributor cap through the firewall, under the carpet/floor map, and under the driver's seat. Bare 1/4 inch of wire and wrap it under the seat so that the bare end is as close as possible to the victim's butt when they are seated in the car. When they start th car they should get quite a nice charge.
Out of town
Wait for neighbors to leave for a vacation and tape Police Line Do Not Cross tape all over the door and place fake blood on the door know and bloody foot prints leaving the house. This works best when the neighbors have children who stayed at home during their trip.
Friday, November 07, 2008
30 Rock it like its hot...
"Noblesse Oblige - yes! Let's go shopping - to the Batmobile!"
I don't know if this is tied in to contemporary politics or not, but given the nature of the writers on the show, I might argue that it is (or that it more IS than AIN'T).
According to wiki wiki pedia...
"Noblesse oblige" is generally used to imply that with wealth, power and prestige come responsibilities.
The phrase is sometimes used derisively, in the sense of condescending or hypocritical social responsibility. In American English especially, the term has also been applied more broadly to those who are capable of simple acts to help another, usually one who is less fortunate.
In ethical discussion, it is sometimes used to summarize a moral economy wherein privilege must be balanced by duty towards those who lack such privilege or who cannot perform such duty. Finally, it has been used recently primarily to refer to public responsibilities of the rich, famous and powerful, notably to provide good examples of behaviour or to exceed minimal standards of decency.
Given the nature of my master's thesis, The Profitability of Socially Responsible Business, I would tend to agree with this tenet, at least to a degree. For sure, there are many examples of folks who give back (and have more than enough to do so...cough cough Bill Gates).
The real issue comes into play when this is forced upon those with means. And who decides what the threshold of said means are to gain entry into the NO club and what sort of membership fees they should pay. Given my lack of financial baller status, I think I am far from being effected. But if I were a baller, a shot caller, a little bit taller, I don't think I would mind kicking a little something back, and solidify my status of a man of the people. I mean how many sets of rims and iced out grills do I really need after all?
Anyhow, this is just a long winded post to say, I know what you are saying, without saying it 30 Rock and whereas the comment probably went unnoticed by most, I dig it as much as Who Dat Ninja.
Who needs drugs when you have strawberry pancakes?
I'll try to summarize...
I was at some sort of rehearsal dinner that was being held next to the fountains at King's Dominion. Tim Gunn was at my table and he was drinking that watermelon beer I wrote about last summer. I was impressed, thinking that both TG and I endorsed this fine beverage.
Our dinner was the same feast featured on last night's episode of survivor. At the end, there was still alot of food left on everyone's plates. TG suggested we bust our own tables since the King's Dominion Staff are in their off season. Then Tim Gunn threw everyone's plates into the fountain.
But wait, here is where things really get strawberry pancake trippy...
Tim Gunn then yells at Tim Gunn (yes there are 2 at this point, an evil Tim Gunn ETG and a good Tim Gunn GTG).
GTG says "Stop that! You have no idea what you are doing! For heaven's sake there is poultry on our plates and the ducks and geese in the fountain are eating it and that is avian cannabalism!"
ETG says "It doesn't matter, ducks and geese are animals and don't have souls."
GTG says "Well, according to the bible yes, but what about the Cubans? If the Cubans see this happening we won't get the vote for another forever years. Quick get those dishes out of the fountain before the Cubans see."
That's all that I can remember and quite honesty I think that is enough to make the point.
That Strawberry Pancake video is pretty much virtual acid.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Well crap...
I swear those were the only books I really enjoyed reading.
Now I am back to Entertainment Weekly.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
You're going down woody!
The second incident left a whole about the size of a quarter in our house. That was until a squirrel thought that would be the good makings for a nest and ate a fist sized hole into the side of the house (currently covered by a ghetto piece of wood, abandoned building style, until I get some free time and a big ass ladder to fix it).
The most recent incident is at the tippy top of our chimney and is probably the size of a babies fist. I gave that bird fair warning that if he came back, I was gonna bust a cap. Last weekend I found the wife outside through stones at the house.
A few hours later, I was the proud owner of this.
On the same shopping trip I also bought Baklava and attempted to buy some beer.
Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) the beer I was after (Sam Adams Chocolate Bock) was unavailable.
I can't help but wonder if the databanks at homeland security don't red flag someone who buys beer, baklava and a pellet gun in the same day.
Monday, November 03, 2008
You wouldn't like my flash drive if it's angry...
Most of all, I liked some of the subtle nods laced throughout the film, Lou Ferrigno (the original Hulk) as a security guard, the purple pants Liv Tyler buys Norton, and the Starks Industry technology at the beginning (less subtle is when Starks actually shows up at the end).
My biggest bone to pick deals with a scene where Norton is on the run and needs to hide his flash drive. Naturally he eats it. I had to ask, how would a flash drive survive such an environment? No way the data would not be corrupt after that.
Meanwhile, my wife asked, what is that weird noise the dryer is making. I figured it was some loose change, but it sounded more like a roll of pennies than a loose lincoln.
I opened the dryer only to find my flash drive from work. Nice a shiny after a trip through the washer and dryer. Oh Great, there goes MY data.
Anyhow, I just plugged it in to my laptop and low and behold, everything is fine.
Ain't that something?
Monday, October 27, 2008
This is why the Numark CDX CD players ARE BEAST!
Yes, those are CD players. Don't let the vinyl platter fool you. That is there for one reason and one reason only, to give vinyl DJ's the input they are used to.
Did you know...
You can be charged with DUI for all kinds of unusual behavior. Here are some of the wackiest DUI arrests Total DUI has encountered:
When a 42-year-old man crashed a go-cart into a parked car on a public street, he was charged with DUI, fined $1,000, and given a two-year driver's license suspension.
Two Portage, Indiana women were charged with DUI after pushing a vehicle into a parked car. After the arrest, they were given blood alcohol tests to determine their blood alcohol contents. Both had BACs more than double the legal limit!
In Morristown, NJ, a man driving a zamboni around the Mennen Sports Arena ice rink was charged with DUI.
A charge of felony DUI resulted for a man in Vermont who decided to hop on his riding lawnmower while intoxicated.
Bill Murray, of Caddyshack fame, was arrested in Sweden after driving a golf cart to a restaurant while drunk. Murray refused a breath test, but could face jail time depending on his blood test results.
It also said that riding a bike or a horse while sauced could qualify as DUI.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Happening is not
The best part*, by far, is the following line...
Marky mark as Main Character Elliot Smith who is a science teacher confronted by chaos and people going straight banoodles and demanding that he rise up, and tell them the plan to deal with said chaos....
All right, be scientific, douchebag. Identify the... rules... design the experiment... careful observation, measurements, that's what I'm trying to do, interpret the experimental pattern, interpret...
*it really isn't even that good. But I enjoyed it as I work in market research and enjoy a good Mark Wahlberg film as much as the next guy.
M. Night Shamalammadingdong, you are slippin, son!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Racebook er Facebook
Maybe I baited the hook a bit here, but shortly after joining facebook, I joined a group within facebook that shares a common interest in the proud consumption of fiscally responsible beverages. This group is called "I drink ole english 800 and am not ashamed to admit it."
Shortly thereafter, I started getting ads like this piped in...
Yes, an ad asking "Is your credit whack?"
I dunno seems a tad bit shady to me. Why not go ahead and pipe in an ad for an escalade full of fried chicken while your at it racebook!
I also signed up to be a member of the John Deere fan club and shudder to think of the forthcoming ads for Skoal and DIY crystal meth labs.
Oh facebook, you so crazy!
Now it is time to start gaming the system to see what kind of off color ads I might be able to summon.Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Going, Going, Gone...
At the precise moment I laid my eyes on that art, I knew what had to be done, replicate it with a 40.
So last night while hanging out with some friends, we enjoyed a nice dinner of fried chicken and various kinds of competitive beverages. The result is the picture above. For the first 4 pictures, I took great care not to disturb the environment of the shot. This called for the creation of an "I drink your OE milkshake" device (i.e. three super long straws from Popeye's taped together. This allowed me to consumer the beverage without moving the bottle.
I once heard that if you drank beer through a straw you got drunker faster. I think last night may have supported that claim. As I was prepping for the last shot, all my dedicated efforts went right out the door. As I was finishing the 40 I was appalled to see that it was no longer on the table, but in my right hand.
Shazbot! so much for consistent placement. And if you look closely, you can see an Ice Cube cd which mysterious appears in the last shot. I hate to burst your bubble. It is not some ghetto voodoo reward, whereas a gangsta rap cd magically appears after you finish your 40. Rather, my dumbass put it there not thinking about wrecking the shot.
Speaking of wrecking shots, I am pretty sure that is not a UFO in the upper righthand corner of the last shot. No, that is probably my sausage finger getting in the way.
Hooray.
Anyhow, the great thing is that I can chalk all of the above up to being artistic. Yes, that's the ticket.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Fair is Fair
I like the idea.
I like the concept for the video.
I am sure I would have gone totally apey if he dropped that unexpectedly at a concert.
I like that the Cash clan backed the project 100%.
But there is something about the execution (especially in the video) the dances dangerously close to the minature pony territory covered in the previous post.
SO I am still on the fence.
However, I will say to not let that stand in the way of checking out the rest of the album. There are a couple of really interesting tracks. Some seem to approach a very loungey almost Groove Armada style ambient sound. A good example is Ocean.
The cool thing about Everlast is that he is not overly concerned with being wedded to one musical style. He likes to experiment and cross genre lines. His musical career has progressed quite a bit from his House of Pain roots.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Saddle up!
So this pic probably needs some 'splainin, and more detail beyond my good friend MC going for a ride on a minature pony.
About a week or two ago I got a call from MC, he was in Midway on a layover flying home for his little brother's wedding. During the conversation he filled me in on some of the details regarding the wedding. I was with him till about point 4.b...
1) Groom wanted an olde school (yeah old with an e) style 1900's british tea party theme, complete with pin striped tuxes with tails, white gloves, canes and top hats.
2) In keeping with point #1 he wanted an officiant with a british accent, the thicker and less understandable the better. He somehow managed to find one.
3) Expresso bar
4) Hired a classical flutist and harp player
4b) Said musicians were only allowed to play arrangements of the grooms favorite Cartoon themes and songs (i.e. Ren & Stimpy's happy happy joy joy)
5) Hire a dozen or so minature ponies to roam the ground during the ceremony and reception
While I'm not sure exactly where the point is, I am sure that somewhere between 4b and 5, the line between personal touches and straight up fucking with people gets crossed.
Eitherway, all the guests got free mini pony rides, and the is more than I can say for a few of the weddings I have been to in my time.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Happy Birthday Trapper Keeper!
Wii Jesus H! Would you believe me if I told you that trapper keeper is almost old enough to drink?
And would you believe me if I told you that they are still going strong?
Egregious Brand Extension
Thursday, October 09, 2008
There's drunk...
I think this case falls into the latter.
In case you don't feel like chasing that link, I'll summarize. The article is about a 50 year old man who got so royally shitfaced, he had to take a bus home. After getting off the bus he went to his house, ate a crab cake, then went to bed.
Only he got off at the wrong bus stop.
So the house he went into, and said crab cake that he ate, belonged to someone else, total strangers.
These strangers came home after a nice dinner at a chinese buffet and the mother started questioning the son about the mess in the kitchen and whether he ate the crab cake. He denied the claim.
The father then wandered upstairs into his bedroom and turned on the lights only to discover a strange pantless man sleeping in their bed.
The police were called to sort this whole goldie locks and the three bears mess out and in the end, it was all just a misunderstanding.
That has to be the most liberal use of misunderstanding I have seen in a long time.
The article did not mention the offender's name a no charges were pressed, but I have my theories. Isn't David Hasselhoff in town for the knight rider convention?
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Co-worker banter
(To set the stage we used to have office gangs, based on which side of the building you were sitting, it was a very scary, dangerous, dark and misogonystic time).
K-Dubs AKA K-Weezy AKA KW: West Side is the best! Down with East side!
R to the I AKA RI: Only women sit on the west side.
(note: at the time, anytime we would want to bring someone down or through salt in their game, we would emasculate their accomplishment by adding Only women INSERT ACCOMPLISHMENT).
KW: Damn, beat T15 to it!
T15: Only women beat T15 to it.
KW: Oh Snap!!!!!
T15: Only women use five exclamation points.
RI: Only women notice the use of exclamation points.
T15: I would say Touche, but only women say Touche. Consequently, sit on it.
RI: Only women would want to say touche but not say it cuz they think only a woman would say it. (Now its getting increasingly complex) Yeah, I know . . . only women make things increasingly complex.
KW: Only women are observant enough to notice complexities. Men would just say it's that time of the month and start singing the Transformer's theme song while getting chewed out for the previous comment.
If you had to choose to be a transformer which one would you be?? ***No choosing to be the one that is like 5 different ones joined together (Dino-bots, Contructa-bots, etc.)
T15: Only someone who wants to be a women transformer would try and change the nature of this email thread...
RI: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I almost peed in my pants!! YEah I know, only women almost pee in their pants.
Thankfully we have come out of the dark ages and our email exchanges have improved in their content.
Well no, not really.
KW and RI left and with them the frat boy humor fostered by an office full of young bucks.
*sigh* time to go file my TPS report.



