Shocking as it may seem, Halloween is less than two weeks away, which means it is time to come up with an idea for a costume in pretty short order. I've set the bar pretty high for the past three consecutive years…Vanilla ice (complete with ICE shaved in the back of my cabeza), Mr. T (yes with a Mohawk), and who can forget the loveable Gangsta Cow (eet mor chikn btchiz).
While no clear winners have emerged from the pack, here is a sampling of this year's current contenders…
Gary Busey—requirements include wax teeth, a blinding Hawaiian shirt, bed head, and copious amounts of whiskey. The good thing about being Busey is that it pretty much gives you carte blanch to do whatever the F' you want and you could always chalk it up to "I was just trying to be authentic." The bad thing is you will end up in jail by 9:30 PM.
Dirty Sanchez—the beauty of this costume is in its simplicity, a sharpie mustache, a Sanchez jersey, and a good roll in the mud is all you need. Most unfortunately, this costume has a severe drawback, and no I am not referring to inevitably having to explain to you parents what a dirty sanchez is when your friends share their online photo albums. Oh no, the real problem is irony and the distinct possibility of falling victim to an authentic dirty sanchez at some point during evening. Thanks, but I'll pass.
NunCowboyPirate---Yeeehaw-praise Jesus-Arrrrrrrrgh! Who doesn't love a Nun-Cowboy-Pirate? Give me a habit, a Stetson, an eyepatch and a hook hand and when asked what I am supposed to be, I'll reply "a fireman of course." Pro—it combines three ordinary costumes into one hot a$$ ensemble. Con—too high brow for the audience to truly appreciate.
Darth Gader (pronounced gay-dar)—I am secure enough in my manhood to own pink pants, so why not show up to the party as darth vader's effeminate cousin? Take one darth vader costume and some pink spray paint and you are one fierce jedi slayer. Unfortunately I am not THAT secure in my manhood.
I've had a few other ideas, but due to decency laws, I will refrain from posting them.
Maybe I will join the masses and buy an off the shelf costume from target. I did see a pretty swank David Hasselhof get-up last time I was there.