Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It's gonna be another busy week

So let me drop a little something something on ya real quick...

Things overheard at restaurants this weekend....

The good (in a british accent no less): "Son you have got to get to know those hooter girls better" --A man sez to his 4 year old boy

The Bad: "Manuel, come see this. This is what I was telling you about. This is a health code violation. Make it go away." --The hostess to the busboy pointing at something behind the bar

The Ugly: "You are a smelly pirate hooker." Me to Mr. White Chocolate after having to consume an entire pint while playing Bullisht pyramid and having the table next to us give disparaging looks.

Friday, May 26, 2006

So you don't have to look at the clown any more

Here's a picture of some people playing donkey baseball.

I'll write more later...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I am going to go wash my eyeballs now...

Who drives a car with tags like this?

Do you really want to know?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Sugar free Twizzlers = Pure Evil

Trust me on this one.

I am no doctor, but something tells me you should not be able to hear food being digested. And for sure, people next to you should not be able to hear it.

My stomach is making noises like when you throw water on a gremlin.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A sidecar named desire

Went to a wedding this weekend.

Wedding had an open bar.

Fancy one, too.

The kind loaded with bottles of stuff that you don't even recognize.

Thus, I was so inspired to expand my lushicious horizons and order a sidecar.

The barkeep said "Sure thing, what's in a sidecar?"

I replied "I have no clue, you are the bartender, you tell me."

Barkeep says to BarkeepII "Hey barkeepII, what's a sidecar?"

BarkeepII "I have no idea."

Me "Just make something up."

BarkeepI "Like what?"

Me "Let's try vodka and fresh lime juice."

Despite being nowhere close to what a real sidecar is, my drink was pretty decent.

A few minutes later a friend went to the bar and ordered a dirty side car and a new game of screw with the bartender was born.

Over the course of the evening a variety of interesting and non-existing drinks were ordered. These drinks included, but were not limited to...

Curly Mullet

The Fuzzy Ninja

A dirrty (yes dirrty) Shirley Temple

An Arabian Cricket

and perhaps my most favorite...

The Sexy Pickle.

I even came up with a impromptu recipe (Sprite and Midori) to act as if such a thing truly exists.

The Sexy Pickle has the added benefit of being able to ask others important questions such as "Have you seen my sexy pickle?" or "You want taste my sexy pickle?"

I debated also asking for a Gary Busey, but feared receiving a pint of whiskey coupled with a slap and a warrant.

Late in the evening, as the game progressed, I overheard someone order a one-legged hooker. When the bartender asked what kind of drink is that? They replied, who said anything about a drink?

Ok, I made that last part up.

In other news, I had collard greens for dinner.

Friday, May 12, 2006

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their
Mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce Today is SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:
You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with
a stapler or a hole-puncher.


After you have slapped the recipient, your Assault must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of andget to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ring of Fire

No longer only the name of a Johnny Cash song, but also the name of a home grown drinking game that in once played WILL change the way you look at the world.

The by product of liberal consumption of South Paw Light and Guiness compounded with several restaurant quality deviant minds, this game emerged like a phoenix from the ashes of several rounds of beer pong.

After a heated discussion, the ring of fire council was formed and guidelines for future participation were established. We shyed away from rules, because this game is most appealing to miscreants who pride themselves on breaking them, thus their development would ultimately be as pointless as playing see-saw with Kristy Alley.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the 2006 Myrtle Beach Ring of Fire Council, I present to you the guiding principles and corresponding examples behind Ring of Fire.

First, develop a list of "drinking punishments" and write each one on a piece of paper, then fold it up and place it in a hat. The exact number of punishments doesn't matter greatly, but you want a decent number. We used 8, since the number 8 is great according to the Count. You want some variation in the punishments, but they should all be attainable, and hopefully within the confines of the law. Of our eight we had one light punishment and one really really evil one. They were, presented in level of severity, as follows:

1. Eat a pretzel (AKA the one free pass)
2. Give a shotgun and take a shot gun (you shotgun a beer and elect someone else to do the same)
3. Funnel a beer
4. Irish Car Bomb
5. South Paw Bomb (Irish car bomb made with South Paw light instead of Guiness)
6. Flip for shots (you have 1 chance to flip a cup, if you hit, everyone else drinks a shot, if you miss you drink a shot)
7. Wine shooters (5 glasses, each with 2 shots of wine, must be finished in 5 minutes)
8. Mat shot (each player pours a beverage of their choice into the loser's cup, thus with five players, you end up with a cup filled 5 different drinks)

Next, take 12 keg cups and place each on upside down on a table. Hide a ping pong ball under one cup and then array them in form a circle. Have someone else spin the table around a few times. Then have someone else do the same.

Now the stage is set. Grab a deck of cards and gather around a second table or sit on the floor. Deal everyone a card and low card loses. In case of multiple low cards, a game of war settles the score. Loser has to visit the ring of fire and pull a cup (if the loser lost at war, they pull 2 cups, 3 cups if there was a war on top of a war). If the cup is empty, they remove it from the mix and the game continues (another round of cards is dealt).

When someone removes a cup and finds the ball, play Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and have them draw a punishment and take it like a man or eastern European woman. Afterwards, remove that punishment from the mix and reset the ring of fire for another round. Continue playing until all punishments have been issued.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but with the right element, it's pretty much the greatest game of all times.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Holding it down for German engineering since 87 yaaaa! Autoweek vol3

After the LGC moved on to greener pastures, I picked up a 1988 VW Golf GTI. I was working with a car wholesaler and picked it up pretty much at cost (for him) which was $1,500.

I know most people would scoff at this car, but I liked it. Perhaps due to the contrast effect and my previous car. More likely, however, it was due to my appreciation for being able to see beyond face value and size up potential.

Going on looks alone, a fair amount of people would consider this car butt ugly and never give it a second thought. Peel back the boxy exterior and you will find something rather revolutionary. VW engineers were pretty far ahead of the ricer curve, putting out an affordable, fun to drive pocket rocket. In fact, a recent issue of Automobile magazine placed the GTI among twenty cars which changed the way consumers think about cars and you don't see status like that every day (fugly looks or not).

As for interesting back story, my most memorable experience with the GTI was losing it when I was sideswiped by a drunk driver late one night while out looking for a Mother's day card. I was cruising along when WHAMO! I got sidechecked to the next lane by a Jeep which kept on truckin. I gave pursuit, flashing my lights and laying on the horn. A mile or so later the jeep pulled over.

The driver asked me what the problem was and I replied "nothing aside from the fact you just hit me." He opened his door to get out to assess the damage and fell out of his seat. He was more sauced than Courtney Love at a roast. He tried to leave the scene, but I busted out my ninja like skills and snacthed his keys from his ignition before he could make his getaway.

I proceeded to call the cops on a payphone. He proceeded to hang up said payphone.

I proceeded to call again and he proceeded to charge me like a bull.

I stuck out my elbow.

He ran into ye olde elbow and fell backwards.

We exchanged pleasantries.

The cops came.

He went to jail.

My GTI went bye bye, but not without blessing me with a nice insurance check. Actually I was able to keep it for the check less $100 and I did, banking on the fact that I could get at least $100 for it at the auto auction. I was right. It sold for close to $1,600, more that what I originally paid for it it the first place.

It was sort of my automotive giving tree.

A horse of a different name -- Autoweek Volume 2

After offing the stang, I saddled up to a new breed of hoopty, a 1986 dodge colt AKA Tha’ LGC (Little Ghetto Colt). Formerly belonging to an aunt of mine and sold to me for one dollar, this car did to my ego what Yoko Ono did to John Lennon’s career.

While getting exponentially better gas mileage and having air conditioning which actually worked, this car was a tad bit light on the power side. The car would actually slow down when you pressed the horn and if you wanted to drive with AC, the car would labor more intensively that Kathy Lee’s sweat shop.

To remedy things, I tinted the windows. Then I tinted them again. Yes a true geto fashion statement if there ever was one, double tint. Then with the scraps, I cut out a giant wu-tang W and added that on my collage of tint. It was tint-tastic.

The car was charming in its own right. It had the world’s easiest clutch. I am pretty much convinced the shifter and clutch did nothing and were purely for show. I never had to worry about someone trying to steal the car since it was a sock in the gas tank away from being the piece o’ sh!t car Adam Sandler once sang about.

As an added bonus, the carefree attitude towards the car allowed me to experiment with different projects such as the aforementioned tinting and blinging out the wheels with tin foil.

Me and the LGC cut it up for two years and I have no regrets, Well maybe the tinfoil rims.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Pootie Dominates!

Van Damn! I just check the stats on my library of video shorts and Sine your bitty on the runny kine has broken the 2,000 views mark. Peeps jousting is a distant second with just under 1,000. Troll Hating and Mo betta jousting gets no love with less tha 25 views a piece.

Just some random facts.

That is all.

Go about your day.