Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It's kinda like a Dyson, for your feet...

Anyone up for some interesting fodder for post-holiday googling?


Guess who gave that a go this Christmas? Your very own topic15.

I highly doubt words can express the experience, but let me try.

This is going to be long, so stick with me. I will try to be as concise as possible, but there is a lot of 'splainin that need be done. Things start getting good around point 4.

First, my mom is a certifiable health junky. Far beyond diet and exercise, she regularly fasts and takes supplements to help boost immunity and rid one's body of toxins. Somehow she came across this whole ionic floot cleansing racket and thought it sounded interesting.

After a fair amount of research, she decided to invest in the "budget" version of the machines you see when you do the google search. More on that in a bit.

For some background on Ionic foot cleansing (IFC from this point on), here's what you need to know. Everyday, our bodies collect all sorts of nasty crap from the food we eat and the air we breath. Thankfully, our bodies are pretty darn good at processing that stuff, especially when we are in peak health.

Aside from traditional methods of excretion, the body also releases junk from pores in our skin. Ever eat a monster load of onions and/or garlic and then go for a run the next day and smell like all holy hell? That's the body sweating out the junk.

What part of the body tends to sweat a lot an smell hella bad? Da' feet. Apparently, feet are like the bodies equivalent of the county landfill.

Remember how I stated, a mere six sentences ago, how our bodies are good for processing junk when we are in peak health? Well, few of us are in peak health, so we could use a little boost. In comes the IFC ma-chines. I don't know the exact science behind it, but the ghetto version is this, the IFC machine polarizes the water with either a positive or a negative charge and then switches. This, in effect, creates some freaky magnetic suction of the crap in your feet, and osmotically draws it out.

Hence, rather than relying on the body to push it out, it helps move things along by pulling. Sort of like a turbo works on a car or that lady who pulls babies out of preggo's.

My mom buys the machine, tries it out, as does my dad and my sister. They tell me all about it over Christmas eve dinner and ask if I want to try it. Sounds rather innocuous enough, right? Well let me remind you that my mom bought the budget version of the machine ($300 vs the real deal machine that costs $3000).

Here's the set up:
Step 1. Submerse your feet in a tub of hot water
Step 2. Add in Salt
Step 3. Add in stainless steel ion polarization plate
Step 4. Connect stainless steel ion polarization plate to a car battery charger
Step 5. Wait, WTF is step 4? Are you serious? Is this a Lyndie England product?
Step 6. Seriously? You can't be serious!
Step 7. Turn on the car battery charger and say a prayer
Step 8. Try and pretend you are reading a motor trend magazine
Step 9. Watch in amusement to what happens to the water
Step 10. After 15 minutes switch polarity on the stainless steel plate
Step 11. Watch in sheer horror what happens to the water.

I have a picture, but am hesitant to post it, as for the nightmares it will induce. After the 30 minute treatment, I can only describe the water as primordial ooze. It was black, brown and bubbly.

When I researched the meaning of this combination, it indicated a cleansing of the liver and removal of heavy metal toxins. Ironically, the night before, I consumed several 40's of Schlitz and I think I ate the cap. Consider me a believer.

PS... As a natural scientist, my mom tried a control group (ie running the IFC machine with no feet in the tub) to see what would happen to the water. It changed color slightly, but no where near what happened with any of our feet. Furthermore, my mom, my dad, my sister and me all saw different results in coloration.

PSS...My feet are still tingling.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

One should be so lucky as to find this under their tree...

Courtesy of Smell my face Belt Buckle Rob, your very own Schlitz Blue Bull Malt Beverage candlestick phone.

Ghetto Classic. Ghlassic.

Interested in one fo yo'self?

Check here.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

POW! Right in the eye

A little fun Tuesday math problem....

[(Topic15 - Eyeglass)+ Paintball] / Capitol Offense Paintball Krew =


POW! Right in the eye!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Thursday, December 14, 2006

World's tallest man saves dolphin

I write good things from time to time, but no F'in way can I compete with this latest news blurb from the beeb.

The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.

Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.

Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.

Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world's tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).


Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.

The mammals had lost their appetite and were suffering depression, aquarium officials said.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten.

He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said Mr Bao was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Local doctor Zhu Xiaoling told the state media agency Xinhua: "Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs.

"However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."

Mr Bao was confirmed as the world's tallest living man by Guinness World Records last year.

He overtook the previous holder, Radhouane Charbib of Tunisia, by just 2mm.

Guinness World Records say Mr Bao was of normal height until 16 but then put on a spurt that doctors were unable to explain, reaching his full height in seven years.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Since the Green Machine is off the table...

I guess I could always ask santa for this...

It combines my love of the Price is Right, Fate, and Libations.

It's almost Ring of Fire for Dummies.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Mean Green Machine...

Big ups to huffy for bringing back the pimpest big wheel of all times...

The almighty green machine.

Yes indeedy, I most definitely rocked one of those back in the day. Lowridin' on a big wheel doing donuts and everything.

Now if only they made one of those for adults. I know what I'd be asking Santa for.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006

That's one hell of a burrito

On my quest to unearth new and exciting ways to prepare tasty burritos, I decided to combine three of my favorite things and wrap them in a flour tortilla shell.

Here's what I did...

Step 1: Prepare a batch of Honey Chipolte Baked Beans. Aw man, these things are wicked good, but take a few hours to make.

Step 2: Prepare a batch of grilled chili-lime chicken tenders. Again, factor in the proper time to marinate and this takes several hours.

Step 3: Open a can of PBR and split evenly between steps 1, 2, and me.

Once everything is cooked, use freshly shredded sharp cheddar, sour cream and Frank's red hot and wrap it up!

I considered then grill the actual burrito, but at that point it was close to 9:30 PM and I really just wanted to eat.

Anyhow it was pretty good.

Was it worth 8+ hours of prep?


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm on a roll...

I'm on a bagel.

big ups to Mr. Nogay, my high school science teacher for that fantastic joke.

Anyhow, I am making up for lost blogging today.

Here is something else you need to watch.

It is pretty fantastic.

Seperated at Birth II

Ok, I slept on this post for nearly a month, but who watched the last Sawyer-specific epy of Lost?

Anyone notice the Warden?

Anyone else realize that he had a long lost twin?

Old man topic15

Note to self for tomorrow Happy birthday to me!

PS you are old, old man.

Example #1
Among the birthday haul, one of the more noteworthy gifts included the 20th anniversary edition DVD of the Transformers movie. This provides all the evidence necessary to document my progress into the golden years.

First, it has been 20 years since that flick was released and I was first in line to see that bad boy on the big screen.

Second, the movie opens up as follows... "It is the year 2005 and the decepticons have overrun the autobot strong hold on cybertron..."

2005? Shazbot! that was damn near two years ago.

In further evidence, I had to chase a bat out of the house. Yes, a rather uninvited thanksgiving guest, this big ole nasty vampire bat chased my boo all over the townhouse while I was talking my old man mid afternoon nap. Let me tell you, that is one heck of a wake-up call.

Time to start working on the xmas list. When the F is Rad coming out on DVD? How can I get Michael Bolton's mustache?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Two things...

1. Note to self...when choosing a font color, be sure not to use the same color as the background.

2. Got the cliff notes from the new, tell all OJ Simpson book. It goes a little something like this:

I killed that skeezer.

The end.

Go ahead and scratch that off the must have list.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Sometimes truf be stranga den fiction

Courtesy of wikipedia...

Gibsonton is an unincorporated census-designated place in Hillsborough County, Florida, United States. The population was 8,752 at the 2000 census.

Gibsonton was famous as a
sideshow wintering town, where various circus "freaks" would spend the off season. It was home to Percilla the Monkey girl, the Anatomical Wonder, and the Lobster Boy. Siamese twin sisters ran a fruit stand here. It is the only post office with a counter for dwarves. Aside from the agreeable winter climate, Gibsonton offered unique circus zoning laws that allowed residents to keep elephants and circus trailers on their front lawns.

Next time you are in Florida, why not stop by and say hi to the bearded lady and the fat man. As I understand they were both character witnesses for the trial on the murder of lobster boy (who rumor has it, was a total prick).

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

You thought I was joking, didn't you?

These 12+ hour work days are taking their toll on me.

I flew into LA at close to midnight a few days ago (that's like 3 AM local time).

Halfway delusional, rolling in the rental car, I decided if Lady SOV can peddle that crap and pawn it off as rap, why can't I?

So I wrote a little song.

Wanna hear it?

Hear it goes...

Ring the alarm cause the kid’s on the scene
Electrified lyrics like a robot’s wet dream
Ya’naw mean, sizzlean?
Gassed out like a burrito jelly bean

Listen to my lyrical extravaganza
Or I’ll have to donkey punch yo ass like my name is tony danza
Who’s the boss, hoss?
Iced out dookie, cause that’s how I floss.

Grab a map cause you’re lost
at the hand of the panda
and the rhymes that I just tossed
Out the window like an empty can of fanta

Platinum Grape soda, like a used lexus
Riding dirty in the Taurus on my way back from texas
Where I punched a one eyed fat kid in the solar plexus.
Like a leg syndrome my flow is relentlessly restless.

Word up.

Where's MY contract Jova?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Where you at?

So I have been on the low-low, working on my rap skills and training with a super secret squad of martial art maniacs.

You want a taste of a typical training session?

Do you wanna see tough?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Gone till November

Well November 17th if you want to be specific.

I am on the road doin some research and I had myself a little adventure this evening.

I rode the NY subway and it was nowhere near as bad as I would have imagined. It was well lit, the ceiling wasn't dripping and there was only one puddle of urine in my subway car.

Up next, that biggest ass state otherwise known as texas.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Hate Actually

It's time for some good old fashion ranting and raving.

For some reason beyond the realm of explanation, I have fostered a robust hatred for the word actually over the course of the past few weeks.

Not actuality or actual, just actually.

Methinks this is largely a function of the context in which I have overheard the usage of this word.

With the exception of one usage, the consistent application of this word has served no more purpose than to imply...

"Look turd brains, unlike me, you have far less than a clue, perhaps even a negative clue. It is truly your lucky day, consider I have graced you with my presence. Let my grand intellect do you a favor just this once, since I am such a great and benevolent being, and give you just a glimpse of knowing the real truth. BTW you suck and your mother dresses you funny, and not funny like a clown."

If I ruled the world, I would grant people slapping rights upon hearing that word in a conversation.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Hip Hop es Muerto

WILLIAM H MACY! It's official. Rap is dead.

Is that what rap music has come to?

A 13 year old looking white girl from UK?

Eazy-E is rolling over in his grave right now.

Fettes Brot is our only hope.

Friday, October 27, 2006


Those better be midgets, or else I am going to go buy a liger this weekend.

Who needs to pay for gas, when you could have your own battlecat?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Just some good ole boys...

Van Damn! Who would have thought the general would be choppin' it up in Maine?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Poncho and Lefty

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding his having been caught with a bag of marijuana:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana, instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."

Monday, October 16, 2006

Rodeo o' Randomness

First off, let me tell you, 2 meals into this whole apple diet, I am not a fan, unless they have a special breed of apple that tastes like popeye's, it's going to be a long three days.

Why am I doing the apple diet?

For the story and I don't feel like cooking.

In other news, that picture of those freakishly big solo cups? That was all CJ's and smell my face belt buckle rob's. There you go.

In other other news, I have gone far too long being annoyed, not only by the phrase soup to nuts, but by wondering what the heck does it mean?

Turns out it refers to a full course meal, probably of med. decent, as they tend to feature an app. of soup, main course and nut based dessert. There you go.

Now I can go on just being annoyed at the phrase.

And while we are on the origin of phrases, you are not gonna believe me, but I am gonna tell you anyways...last training...the teacher definitely used the phrase "laying in the cut."

Anyone know what that means? Well, I am gonna tell ya. In prisons, there are certain areas just beyond the view of security cameras. These are referred to as "the cut." Laying in the cut refers to the act of stealthily waiting, just out of camera view, most like to attack someone with a stabbing device, otherwise known as a shank or a shiv.

Speaking of shanks and shivs, I figured out what I will bestow upon my groomsmen. Monogramed throwing knives. Sweet.

Well, time to go.

I have two apples with my name on them.


Where have you been?

Sorry for the lack of recent posts as of late. I was goaded into playing a game of flip-cup with these:

I was passed out for like a week and a half.

Now I am on the apple diet. I'll write more about that later.

Friday, October 06, 2006

How to win a fight in applebee's

Here's my of mix of some of Bas's greatest tips.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


It's been a busy week for office pranks.

Case #2
A coworker leaves town for a week only to return to a shocking scene, the mass suicide of his entire pez dispencer collection.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Office Prank Returns>>Econo-Cubicle<<

Here is a typical size cubicle...

While out of the office last we, we decided to redesign one of our co-worker's cubicle.

Compared to the grossly inefficient full size cubicle, the new economy-sized cubicle has been designed to enhance productivity by limiting distracting window access, abundant oxygen, and wasted movement.

Thank goodness I don't have any vacation time to use.

Monday, October 02, 2006

ROCK ON you old sailor you!

Among other things, this past weekend's adventures included a trip to the renaissance festival.

While waiting in line to buy tickets, I looked over at some guy in the line next to ours. As he approached the ticket booth, he stood on his tippy toes to get a bird's eye view of the ticket wench's cleavage. He then proceeded to give ye olde motorboat to said wench.

Right then, I knew the bar was set high.

Probably a bit too high, cause nothing else came close to topping that in terms of highlights.

A distant second was a 9 year old boy dressed as a viking. He was watching "Human Chess" and was calling out the opposing team, demanding to "KILL HIM! CUT OFF HIS HEAD! ROCK ONNNNNNNN SIR WILLIAM!" He was really into this thing, probably to an unhealthy extent given his age.

Then in a sad reality check of life, an eight year old girl asked him why he was wearing tights. Ouch!

Stay tuned, coming soon, another volley in the war of the office pranks.

Friday, September 29, 2006


Ever wonder what it would be like if a reese cup, butter finger and Mr. goodbar had a threeway in your mouth?

Well wait no more. Look at what those evil geniuses at Reese's just came up with...

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Aw man, if I knew it was gonna be that kind of party, I would have...

Brought a fully loaded baked potato into the mens.

Apparently someone else did...

Yes, another interesting story from this past weekend, stems from Monroe's supper club, the ultra shady bar at the Long Island Holiday inn.

We stopped down for a drink and watched a few songs get butchered while Karaoke wrapped up.

Then the real fun began, LI over 30 singles night.

Yes, we witnessed long thought to be extinct sights such as Denim-cubed (jeans, denim shirt and jean jacket) and an authentic rat tail, on a woman no less.

What kind of bar would you find such things?

The same kind of bar that serves soupy fish for free at the hottest over 30 (and in several cases, waaaaaaaaaaay over 30) party this side of Kazakhstan.

The same kind of bar that features Don Rickles as a bouncer.

And yes, the same kind of bar, where you find half eaten baked potatos in the mens.


Monday, September 25, 2006

Where am I going? And Why am I in this handbasket?

As if there were any lack of compelling evidence of my post-mortum destination, I spent the vast majority of the mass I attended during a wedding coming up with new and improved non-existant drinks to mess the bartenders during the reception.

I then realized, it would be soooooo much easier if I took like 7 or 8 quality words and dumped them into some sort of random compiler to come up with drinks.

I think I would use words like whiplash, mexican, banana, salty, chubby, eskimo, blowhole, and freight train. That's really all you need.

Think of the possibilities...

Barkeep! I'll have a banana whiplash, stat.


You know, a cross between a mexican freight train and a salty blowhole.


Fine, just make me a chubby eskimo.

Ok Ok...Miller lite.

Or do I want a Headless albino Fireman?

I stand corrected...

Ok ok ok, so sue me, I got the lyrics for the theme of Dukes of Hazzard wrong. In my defense Waylon Jennings needs to work on his enunciation.

The correct title of the previous post should have been Straight'n the curves, Flat'n the hills.

I agree that it makes much more sense, but still like my version for that certain aire of mystery, I mean, anyone can Flat'n a hill, but who the hell can Flap'n a hill?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Straight'n the curves, Flap'n the hills...

Good news!

We found a limo to go with our Nacho Cheese Fountain and PBR!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Oh now I remember...

That Pootie tang video I put on YouTube...

Over 10,000 views.


I bet 10,000 people didn't even see the movie when it was in the theaters.



A couple of random tidbits...

The war of the office pranks continued last week as an unsuspecting JB returned to his cubicle to find an assortment of turds hidden in various locations.

Good god people, we are not animals. We did not use real fecal matter. Just pictures of real fecal matter. Some of my favorite additions included a picture of poo taped unto the mouth piece of the phone and relabelling a trophy displayed on the book case to read "Most Corn Laden Stool" 1975.

Yeah I know. Childish. Nyah!

A second point I wanted to cover off on has to do with stickers on cars. As much as I tend to look down upon them, I can't help but admire this one.

Hot or not?

I had a third topic, but it evades me at the moment, so in its place go have a look at this glorious commercial from Sprint.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Butterfly in the sky...

I can go twice as high.

You know, I once gave a guest book review on that show that never aired.

It was part of some stupid essay writing contest they had at my elementary school.

Anyhow when I showed up, I thought I would have the chance to review a book of my choice. I just finished reading Jaws and was reading to talk about the great white terror, when they came in and gave me some dumbass low rent retarded knock off of "Where the wild things are." I was pretty pissed, but figured I would make it work.

When I got on camera I started to give the review, but broke down in the middle claiming they were making me review it under the threat of being beaten.

Lavar Burton was not amused.

He tried to talk down to me, but I called him out that he was a pompous ass clown under delusions of being a star, when in reality, he was nothing more than a poor man's Mr. Rogers. I then kicked him in the shin and was prompted escorted out of the building.

Somewhere in the vaults of public televisions editing room sits that whole disturbing ordeal. Or not, since I totally made it up five minutes ago. There you go... value adding lies.

*The preceeding is a excerpt includes my retort from an ongoing friday none of us really want to work so check this out email discussion.

Can't we all just get along?

Way to fight those stereotypes CBS "Survivor!"

In this season, there are four tribes split by race. Contestants didn't realize this was the dealio until Propes split them up into the Cracka tribe, the Bruthaz and Sistaz, the asians and the hispanics.

Once the gig was up, folks quickly realized they went from being under the normal race magnifying glass to being in front of the race hubble telescope (after the put the lense in correctly). The general sentiment across all tribes was we need to represent and show how shallow existing stereotypes are.

And represent they did.

Here are a few observations...

(a) During the first challenge the hispanics built a boat to get off the island in record time and gained an early lead

(b) The hispanics lost said lead during the puzzle. The asians, however, ripped through the puzzle like a Ginsu through a soda can.

(c) The african-americans came in last, but were allowed to select one person from one of the other teams to go to exile island. Who did they pick? Whitey. They based their decisions on the number of chickens whitey had, and then yelled "Karma is a bizzle."

Way to fight those stereotypes.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Long Lost Lovechild

What happens when you mix Jude Law plus that Elf who wants to be a Dentist from that Rudolph claymation feature along with a bottle of whiskey?

You get their unclaimed love child, featured on the first season of project runway.

While unconfirmed, rumors suggest, Patrick Swayze was in the room watching.

Don't ask me how I ended up watching Project Runway, just know that I did, but only so I could have something to blog about.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I am a music junkie.

The kind of guy who could easily spend an entire day in one of those virgin megastores and not even approach the concept of boredom.

I am also extremely lazy.

That is largely the reason I don't spend entire days in virgin megastores...I would have to put on pants and nothing says great weekend like not wearing pants for more than 24hrs straight.

Despite my hethen ways, my non-existant prayers have been answered...

It's some kind of music genome project. That's just fancy talk for organizing music by its underlying characteristics. Basically you go to the site, type in a song or artist that you like and voila, you get an online stream of music that shares the same sort of acoustic genetics. You can also zap out any genetic mutatations not to your liking.

And best of all, you don't need to wear pants!

But I better put some on.

After all it is our monthly cake day in the office and I think showing up in my drawers would bode bad for my upcoming performance review.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Hip Hop we come to resurrect you...

For all the damage that MTV and the rapping grandma has done to Hip Hop, Lupe Fiasco has come to put things right.

Packing heated beats and collaboration from Pharrell to that guy from Linkin park to Sean.Carter, this kid is really setting a high bar for his album to clear when it finally drops.

In an interview with Funkmaster Flex he mentioned that he wants to bring Hip hop back to its roots and include social commentary in his raps, but also rap about robots because they are cool too.

I like this kid more every minute. The best damn thing out of chi-town since the Legion of Doom.

Lupe's Food and Liquor dropping 9/19.

Pick it up pick it up pick it up!

Time to revisit my new year's resolution

Like most folks, I fell short of carrying through on my new year's resolution in less than a week.

Considering my resolution was to tell more lies, that is probably not a bad thing.

However, this past weekend, I revisited the idea from an ethical standpoint...Specifically, does the act of telling lies fall into the "bad" bucket 100% of the time?

Obviously if intent is malicious or hurtful, the answer is yes, but what if there were such a thing as a "value adding" lie? Would that be so bad?

For example, after several hours of binge drinking on Friday night I pretty much passed the F out, while my friends were busy continuing the debacle into the wee (read as 4AM) hours of the morning. I knew what I must face the next morning, a stark grilling of what the hell happened to you last night, wussy.

Rather than come clean and admit I was tired and the room was spinning and I just booted my hobo dinner of baked beans and PBR, wouldn't it be soooooo much better to reply with something along the lines of "Aw man, you wouldn't believe this! I just finished using the Men's when some sneaky redneck ninja crept up on me from behind and karate chopped me in the neck, knocking me out stone cold. And I was just getting ready to come down and really get the party started and kick all your candy asses in a chugging contest."

I mean, c'mon. That can't be bad. In fact, I think it is down right good!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Crikee! Shanked by a stingray....

The crazy kiwi steve irwin, otherwise known as the croc hunter met his untimely demise at the end of a stingray this weekend.

Here is a picture taken immediately after the attack...

Wait just a cotton picking minute, that doesn't seem to fit with what CNN is reporting. They indicate that Irwin fell at the hands of an evil stingray...

Now take a closer look at exactly who is piloting that attack chopper above...

Probability would suggest, that if you F' with the bull, you get the horns. Or in this case, if you swim too close to a stingray, it will run you down with its attack chopper.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Not even necessary

My cousin sent me a picture of a local asian restaurant that is being remodelled. During renovations, someone vandalized the sign.

I thought maybe someone rearranged the letters, or maybe even painted them to read as Hung Far Low, but no, that's the actual name. When I looked closer I saw that someone just blacked out TAILS from CockTAILS underneath the sign.

Crazy kids.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

What ever happened to...

Daily updates?

Sorry blog. I have been busy.

Here is something to keep you entertained for a while till I get some more free time.

Another example of hella-fine cinema, this fight scene is virtually unparralled.

Nothing says smackdown like pretending to be batman and trying on hats in between breaking candyasses off while your sidekick gets busy playing "let's induce seizures" with the lights.

BTW that is pretty much the best movie ever.

Friday, August 25, 2006

What ever happened to...

The Jukka Brothers?

It's gonna be a random friday like that.

Grimlock loves fridays!

He really does.

That's all I am going to say about that, cause that's how I roll.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

They were really pushing it with the shamrock shake...

but this plain crosses the line.

I really wanted to wait unti St. Patricks day for this post, but I am not a patient man and the world must know the truth.

I think I am maybe 10% irish, but I find this 100% offensive.

First of all, whoever came up with the brilliant idea of a cool plastic bag hand puppet to give away to kids, should be shot. Hey kid, here's something to keep you entertained...a plastic bag.

Nevermind, decorating it with a borderline offensive "irish grimace" complete with shamrock vest and shelayle. I can only imagine the reaction to a Kwanza version, baby-daddy Grimace.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

It's like chaser 2000 for procrastinators...

Who need bother interupt their excessive drinking habit with periodic breaks to chew on pills and drink water?

Not me.

In true, let's burn the bridge when we come to it fashion, I only deal with hangovers far too late to avoid them.

Well not anymore.

Introducing Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief, a product who's tagline (according to a coworker) is "feel better than you deserve to"

Who wouldn't support a product that has the following information listed on its website?

Hangover Cures and Interesting Info
Money down the drain. Productivity losses in the workplace due to hangovers are $148 billion.

Residents from the State of Nevada consume the most beer - 367 bottles a year. Maybe it should be called the "Beer State", not the "Silver State."

Americans are lucky to have Alka-Seltzer® Morning Relief™ as their hangover cure.

Other countries have their own unique hangover cures:
a. In Germany, some folks eat marinated fish to cure hangovers
b. To cure hangovers in Holland, many eat raw baby herring covered in onions
c. Popular hangover cures in Puerto Rico involve rubbing lemons or limes on the underarms

Why America was really discovered.
The pilgrims landed at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts, rather than continuing sailing because they were running out of supplies, especially alcoholic beverages.

In Bavaria Germany, alcohol is not considered a drink. It is legally defined as a staple food.

Corks or Kegs?
In 1998, the United States population consumed an estimated 549,494 gallons of wine. That's the equivalent of 35,451 kegs of beer.

Light to moderate drinkers (0-3 drinks for men; 0-1 drinks for women), not heavy drinkers account for 87% of alcohol related problems at work. Maybe companies should include Alka-Seltzer® Morning Relief™ as part of their benefits package.

The average man buys 2.2 gallons of beer on Super Bowl Sunday.

The average 30 year old consumes 4.5 drinks at one sitting

Monday, August 21, 2006

Don't quit your day job...

I finished a book this weekend.

Big one too.

Over 300 pages.

No Pictures.

Anyhow, I'm certainly no book lubber, but I got hooked into grabbing a copy of Killer Instinct after reading a little snippet in a periodical while travelling.

I figured it would give me something to do on my recent trip to denver.

SO I was in the middle of getting my read on when the stewardess says, "Oh! Great book! I just finished it. You will never believe the end! It has such a twist. I was shocked when I read it."

Let me tell you a little bit about how shocking the ending really was...

It wasn't.

Or maybe it was...if you would consider it a suprise to go see the new Robert De Niro movie and are shocked when he says "Look at me" or if you are floored when Samuel Jackson says "Get these muthaF'n snakes off my motherF'n plane" or if you are surprised when sitting in your car at a railroad crossing that after he lights start flashing and the crossing gate comes down that a train rumbles through a few moments later...or after the sun goes down it comes back up again the very next day...the ending was shocking in that sort of way.

I guess, then, it should come at no surprise how that lady was a stewardess and not a book critic.

Friday, August 18, 2006

This weekend...

I am flying solo and melady is out of town, thus I will probably spend part of the weekend like this.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It's a balls, balls world...

So I am in Denver at the moment, and let me tell you, if you ever wondered what it would be like to be a pinball, you should have been on my flight.

Bumpier that Seal's cheeks and a stewardess call system on the fritz, resulting in random beeping every few seconds, the flight out was not that unlike being a pinball in a pinball machine located in PizzaHut circa 1982.

In other balls news, I read in a magazine that the upcoming video game rendition of Scarface will feature a Balls meature. Yup. Balls meature. The more ballsy, your antics, the more your balls meature fills. When it is ball saturated, you can go all ballistic.

In some anti-balls happenings, Advantage rent-a-car was all out of Sebrings/Stratuses. So what kind of whip did they saddle me up with? The escalade? The 300? The Magnum? Nope. The minivan. Sigh.

Well I better go make some practice runs to the soccer field and applebees.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Dang! Do you ever take it off any sweet jumps?

Me ladyfriend's birthday recently passed and as I present I treated her (and me) to a walking tour of DC, but not just any ole walking tour.

Only the craftiest of pimps can go on a walking tour without having to be bothered with the actual walking portion. In true baller style, we took segways.

The first portion of the tour was dedicated to training and instant karma. They say riding a segway is intuitive. "They" also panned the movie E.T.

The first few minutes is like have a few irish car bombs and they riding a skateboard on ice. But you tend to pick it up quick. Except this one old lady, who ran headstrong into a tree.

And me.

After seeing the old bird totally wipe out, I couldn't control my evil thoughts and laughter. I then ran into a fence and broke my fender.


Of course all of this happened in full view of one of the tour guides, who immediately rolled over to check on the segway, (not me). I continued to turn in circles in attempt to hide the broken fender. It worked. Sort of. While he noticed it, I managed to escape without paying the $60 broken fender fee.

Happy birthday baby!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The winds of change are ablowin'

Which means only one thing...

Time to gas up the fear machine, naturally.

Now, I generally steer clear of anything political on ye olde blog, but gawdamn do I ever love a good conspiracy theory!

Most of this information is secondary and/or anecdotal, but why bother looking into anything, no one else seems to.

Anyhow let's get on with it shall we?

Point1: I overheard a coworker discussing congressional elections yesterday and she stated that 3 out of the 4 that were just held resulted in the incumbent losing (that's the dude who's currently in office). This comment was suggestive of a desire for change and a call for new leadership.

Point2: According to ORC vis-a-vis A majority of Americans say they will vote for Democratic candidates in the midterm again signaling a call for change.

Point3: Substantial terror plot foiled, reminding us that we are still at war will terrorists and they will stop at nothing until we stop playing favorites and/or bring back that Britney/ K-fed reality series. You know those terrorists and their love for really bad tv shows.

Am I saying the plot was a sham?

No of course not.

I don't even know exactly what the word sham is. I am saying that the order of events is rather interesting all things considered.

And despite the fact that I didn't even consider all things, it is still pretty damn interesting.

PS on an unrelated side note...

Will Ferrell, you owe me for that nacho cheese fountain at the wedding idea....bigtime...

Monday, August 07, 2006

Theory of unrelativity

Some say everything's relative, right?

Well, I challenge that proclamation with my latest video.

It's a mess of old WWII propaganda posters played over a schitty mash-up I made which combines elements of the Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" with a bit of the ole "Insomnia" thanks to Faithless and a splash of "Nightmare" from Brainbug just for good measure.

A fair amount of folks have mashed the first two tracks in that equation, but as far as I know, I am the only one to throw in the third.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Consider yourself warned...

I bought some steak house peanuts recently...

and the manufacturer was kind enough to inform me that my bag of peanuts contained peanuts

Thank goodness, I mean people who are deathly allergic to peanuts might have mistakenly purchased the steakhouse peanuts in pure ignorance if not for that warning.

Thanks blantantly obvious package people.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I heart New York

I'm blogging remotely this week on account of being in new york on business.

I decided to do the new york thing and walk from where I was working (27st) to where I am staying (52st) in what is perhaps the hottest day ever.


Apparently misery loves company cause it seems like half the city was doing the same thing.

I have to admit, my respect for new yorkers went up a notch today. Not because of their love of walking, cursing or tolerance of the heat.

Oh no.

Because while waiting for the green light on a crowded street corner right there on 42st and madison avenue, it was so loud and so stank, I let loose a fart and nobody even noticed. And it wasn't any half-steppin SBDF either. I shared a good 8 second, cheek clapping, check ya draaaz, restaurant quality, gastronomical purge with the fine citizens of the big apple and no one even blinked.

Damn, they really are unshakable.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Old timey psychology Vol. II

Big ups to Philip Zimbardo and his attempts at creating his own version of Real World: Attica.

PZ was a homeboy of Stanley "shocker" Milgram and like his colleague is associated with one of the more notorious experiments in psych 101 text books, the Stanford Prison experiment. Basically, PZ wanted to answer the question of which comes first, the role or the behavior?

Or in other words, are prison security guard pricks because of their job or because the job attracts pricks? Anecdotally, I would say the latter, but this experiment may suggest otherwise.

Let me let wikipedia break it down for you...

Participants were recruited via a newspaper ad and offered $15 a day ($76 adjusted for today's inflation) to participate in a two-week "prison simulation." Of the 70 respondents, Zimbardo and his team selected 24 whom they deemed to be the most psychologically stable and healthy. These participants were predominantly white, middle class young males. All were college undergraduates.

By a flip of a coin,PZ randomly assigned folks into one of two groups, prisoners and guards and sent them on there merry ways. A few hours later the Palo Alto PoPo rolled up and arrested the "prisoners" and took then to a mock jail set up in the basement of the school.

PZ gathered gaurds and gave them simple instructions. Essentially, do what it takes to keep the prisoners in line, take away their individuality, mess with their minds to create a sense of powerlessness, just don't be violent.

Now, here's where it gets interesting.

In order to make prisoners less like people and more like things, they were dressed in matching muu muus and reffered to by numbers. In order to make guards less individual (accountable) and authoritative, they were dressed in militant khaki's, given prick cop sunglasses and a beat down stick.

A few days into the experiment, PZ had no choice but to pull the plug, as rumors of a planned escaped hatched and hunger strikes and riots erupted among prisoners in protest of the gaurds actions which included...

Bathroom rights became privileges which could be, and frequently were, denied. Some prisoners were made to clean toilets using their bare hands. Mattresses were removed from the "bad" cell, and prisoners were forced to sleep on the concrete floor without clothing. Food was also frequently denied as a means of punishment. Prisoners endured forced nudity and even homosexual acts of humiliation.

Before the experiment, these were peers, probably even friends. In less that a week they were going all Abu. While it doesn't necessarily prove it, it does suggest that in some cases, given the right catalysts, nature can be trumped by nurture.

In other words, perceptions surrounding beliefs and expectations associated with roles can become reality, and cause one to lose sight of one's true self. This is especially relevant when signs of the individual are masked, identity is concealed, and people are less associated with their actions (rather their actions are associated with their roles).

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...

UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Propaganda aaarrrrghh!

Pirate flags just got that much cooler.

Flava Puff

Stated on their site as the Cadillac of Cotton candy, the evil Flava Geniuses have decided to test their brand elasticity with a resealable bucket of cheese balls called Flava Puffs and offer this goodness for like $1.29.


You know I snatched me up one of them pails of puffs for the party!

It might as well be endorsed by Craig "ugly as sin/flava in ya ear" Mack.

It's like the 12 days of christmas this week, except it's only five days and it doesn't end with a presents stuffed under a tree, rather it concludes with a nacho cheese fountain and ghost ridin' the go kart.


Monday, July 24, 2006

Anyone have $90,000 to spare?

If so, you can give the middles to the gas industry and not worry about being a target for a wedgie by getting this fine azz electric automobile.

The Tesla Roadster can go from 0 to 60 miles per hour in four seconds. It tops out at 130mph.

It's on like donkey kong!

I bought three 12 packs of PBR and 6 ping-pong balls at the stizzy at lunch, which it's just the start of the fun and exciting things which will be purchased for this upcoming weekend's festivities.


Watch out! It's getting racial all up in here

Man, as much as I would like to believe we have come a long way since the 50s & 60s in terms of diversity and appreciation for cultural differences, the sad fact of the matter is that we have not.

While things are different than they used to be, they are not necessarily any better. Racism is out and about, but creepin on the DL and I am about to expose it in a true voice of the people style.

Example #1, street signs.

Damn, there are few things as blatantly racists as street signs. What's that you say? You want proof? Well look no futher.

Looking for a book to read?

Looking for a criminal?

Why is it that they put whitey on the sign with someone reading a book and darky on the sign for crime watch?

That's just plain wrong!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Seperated at birth?

Reality TV's "So you think you can dance" Judge, Mary Murphy...

and Union Pacific's M-10000...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My name is mud

Last weekend I competed in Richmond's Muddy Buddy race, an offroad race where you and a partner bike/run/overcome obstacles for like 6 or 7 miles.

The website described the course as most flat. I have come to learn that flat is a relative term and that Pamela Anderson is mostly flat relative to Dolly Parton.

Anyhow, here's a brief rundown...

Here is my hella-fly bike...

Peep my pimp art zip tied on that mug, along with the pink horn and vanillaroma air fresheners on the handlebars. In all, It cost like $80 (bike included) at target. At that price, I had doubts it would see the finish line, but the ole thundercat did just fine.

My team name was Chuck Norris.

I biked the first leg (My teammate, D. Magical ran). This leg was like 1.5 miles, and seemed to be mostly up hill, minus crossing a river (no not on a bridge, I actually carried the bike through the river...well maybe it was a creek). At the end I dropped my bike only to be greeted by a 4 ft wall to be jumped.

I ran the next leg (D. Magical biked). It was long, hot and muddy and we had to climb a cargo net at the end.

Leg3 had a real bitch's bitch of a hill and this crazy inflatable thing you had to scale like 20 ft on one side and slide down the other.

Leg4 was forgetable probably due to the terror inducing balance beam waiting at the end. I managed to cross it successfully without falling and hitting me twig and berries.

Leg5 was like the Shamrock vs Ortiz fight from a few weeks ago, over before it ever got started.
The final obstacle was this big nasty mud pit you had to belly crawl through. It looked like poo, smelled like poo, and according to Occam's Razor, in all likelihood was poo.

D. Magical and I emerged from the other side as chocolate dipped gangstas.

We joined some other friends from team Dirty Dolphin and crushed some red hook and celebrate finishing.

There were a few other interesting team names in the mix...

Powered by PBR

Ha! We stole your bike!

Don't Call Me Mary

Chafed Thighs

Money Shots

Crippled and Crazy

Dirty Sanchez


Flaps of Ham

Here for the Beer

1 bald 1 fat

In Your Eye


Fud Muckers

Time to start thinking of the next great adventure.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Kick Push Kick Push Kick Push Kick Push and Coassssssst

Aw man I can't get that Lupe Fiasco song outta my head!

So I just had to go watch the video, naturally.

Anyhow, it is a refreshing change from most of the crap titled as hip-hop.

Let me break it down for you...

In true hip-hop style, that video is budget. It was probably shot for $3.50 and a pack of orange tic tacs, just like the good ole days before the industry got behind the genre and got its commercialized hooks all up in it.

Music production is the focus. The song has some of the most 1992 beats I've heard since well 1992. Lupe has a nice flow and actually weaves a nice little narritive together rather than spitting about the rims on his car. I would say he reminds me of Slick Rick, but I recently read that he is inspired by none other than Johnny Cash and his story telling style of music.

Finally, either as non-conformist or a deviant saying FU he takes something generally outside his culture and makes it his. I'm not saying there aren't any brothers who skateboard, I'm just saying they are about as common as white rappers used to be.

Regardless, there just maybe some hope for hip hop afterall.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Drifting the night away

Well I learned a few things about drifting this weekend.

For those who don't know what drifting is, it is essentially driving like an A-hole around corners so that the a$$end of the car swings out and you glide through the corner all fast & furious style.

Anyhow, I signed up for US Drift 101, a course that teaches you the art and science of drifting.

What I didn't know, upon signing up, is that you are required to use your own car. Still I thought me and the 'ru would manage just fine.

Upon arrival, I saw that there were 26 other folks signed up for the course and no less than 20 of them were driving the same type of car, a Nissan 240 and one of the more fast and furious styled cars even had a fancy lil sticker across the windshield that read DRIFTING FOR JESUS. I am sure the son of God appreciates the effort.

Anyhow of the remaining 6 cars, mine was the only non-rear wheel drive car. Brilliant. Furthermore, as I pulled in to the lot, I noticed 90% of the cars were beaters and beyond that, the yahoo's were jacking up the rears to put sets of super schitty tires on. Me and the 'Ru got more that our fair share of comments which ranged from "Dude are you gonna drift the wagon? Ohhhhh Snap! That's just crazy!" to "This car is too nice for drifting, take it easy so you can drive home at the end of the day."

I heard the second comment from no less than 3 different instructors. I thought they were being nice until I saw some kid take his S2000 off the track only to loose 1/2 of the front bumper and part of the radiator to the lip (curb) of the track. Even worse, the oil pan plug got ripped out, and he drove the car off the track spewing oil, coolant and his pride. I am not sure how that conversation will go with the insurance company, but I am sure it will be interesting.

Anyhow, here are my key learnings:

Drifting takes skill and a capable and preferably non-daily driven car, of which I have neither.

However, when it comes to my go-kart, that's a whole nother story. I'll get that monster more sideways than a movie about wine and relationships.

Friday, July 07, 2006

And then there is this...

Target's mascot, Bullseye, acknowledges Charlize Theron's beauty and acting talent in a way that online a canine can, the red rocket salute.

I could have made a joke about Bullseye offering to help reapply her lipstick, but that would just be in poor taste.

Acid Trip

Check one more box off the nuptial to-do's as it looks as if we locked down a DJ for the festivities.

Melady found a rave review on da knot about a club dj who plays weddings on the side, and we arranged to go meet with her (yes a female dj, a tatted up one too).

We got to her place a little early, but she invited us in, nonetheless, claiming she would return to her project afterwards. Her project, as it turns out, was compiling a playlist for a Mash-up party she is playing at the Black Cat.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I asked "Are you making a playist of mash-ups or making the actual mash-ups?" It was the latter as she flipped open her laptop and played her project, a lil ditty blending Prince and Tom Jones.

I was sold, both on the DJ and the software.

I used 7,000 sony points that I have earned from 3 years of gym payments and my prepaid phone to redeem my very own copy of Sony Acid Studio, which I received just last night. No less that 2 hours out of the box, I had made my very first schitty mash-up, blending Soul2Soul's "Keep on Movin" with Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner."

I'd post it, but I don't know how and I don't have a myspace page, cause that's how I roll.

It's not so much a mash-up, save for 1 or 2 brief parts, as much as it is beatmatching and cutting back & forth between the two songs. Still the software is pretty damn hott and if I do say so myself a valiant first effort.

Ironically after my first experimentation with Sony Acid, I found myself having the strangest dream ever, something about the transmission of intelligence through energy...sort of like a wireless internet connection into your cabeza.

I think their may have been pudding involved too, which as it just so happens, is not only delicious, but holds the same consistency of grey matter according to one of my former psych professors, who liked to lecture about acid of all things.

Circle of life and all that jazz I suppose.

Anyone know where I can borrow a karaoke machine?

Monday, July 03, 2006

BREAKING NEWS *** Crack found in foam on shuttle's fuel tank

Marion Barry volunteers to remove the problem.

Ghost ride da whip!

It's basically the new cabbage patch but with a car.

Can't wait to ghost ride the go kart in a few weeks.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Evil Pleasures...

I really have no tolerance for slow people.

I'm not talkin about wearing a helmet slow, but people who impede my bidness in some way by taking there sweet ass time, like this is their world and I am just living in it.


So anytime I can get a little passive aggressive poke at these donkey punchers, I feel bad about the fact that I feel so good about my actions (ie cutting in front of a sunday driver in a parking lot and then getting an exponentially better parking space).

I had something like that happen about 30 minutes ago.

There are a couple of high profile weekends on deck, so melady and I decided it was time to upgrade ye olde camera. Some quick online research and comparison shopping and we found our choice (Sony DCS-W70) and best price (circuit city).

So we headed off to the store.

Why oh why is it when you are only looking around, the salesfolk are all up on your dillznik like white on rice, but when you have a legit question, it's a mutha-funkin' ghost town?

Anyhow, it really didn't matter cause we knew exactly what we wanted. The only problem was this entire family unit was blocking the display case like they owned the place, debating whether or not to buy the same damn camera we were there to get.

I guess the only thing they didn't bother discussing was the fact that there was only one camera left in the case and figured they could debate the matter until the cows come home.

Quickly we grabbed another worthless sales jabroni and got him to get the last one out of the case on the DL while the Waltons were looking the other way.

So after an excessive amount of jaw-jackin, they decided they wanted to buy, only we ended up with the last one in stock in hand, and took some twisted pleasure in watching the family's collective confused look as they tried and tried and find it. Even their sharp as a bowling ball sales associate kept looking and looking since the inventory showed just one more in stock.


That's just how we roll. Either Get in & get out or get the F out the wayyyyyy!

So as soon as I sort out how this new fan-dangled contraption works, be on the look out for some hot new audio-video production-izzies!*

Barring any instant karmic retributions.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Speaking of Foil

Which side of Reynolds Wrap® Aluminum Foil should I use, the shiny or the dull side?

Actually, it makes no difference which side of the aluminum foil you use—both sides do the same fine job of cooking, freezing and storing food. The difference in appearance between dull and shiny is due to the foil manufacturing process. In the final rolling step, two layers of foil are passed through the rolling mill at the same time. The side coming in contact with the mill's highly polished steel rollers becomes shiny. The other side, not coming in contact with the heavy rollers, comes out with a dull or matte finish.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Totally radical!

Is it possible to distill an entire decade into a boardgame?

You bet your rubik's cube it can!

Never mind how the name pretty much sums up the Reagan era in a nice neon colored bow, check out the wrist bands on that Alex P. Keaton looking mutha.

Or the Magnum PI whip? Where's the helicopter with our black friend, TJ?

And nothing says 1980s more than windsailing and pin striped suits.

Ah conspicuous consumption at its best!

Foiled again!

How best do you welcome back a coworker from a week long jaunt
through italy?

With 2 football fields worth of aluminum foil.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Are you for cereal?

I don't have a single coherent topic to write about, so here are a series of blogettes. Think of it as the kid's menu of blogging.

Went to the movies with my nephew this weekend and happened to catch a preview of this. Should I go see it or give $9.25 to a homeless man staple my eyes right now? The result is likely the same.

Speaking of wanting to staple my eyes, I saw 2 minutes of DateMovie this weekend. Like getting a full plate of general Tso's chicken at the mall eatery after trying the free sample, I should have known better.

Speaking of food, I found the ONE person in the ENTIRE world who prefers regular hamburger buns over potato roll hamburger buns. How is that even possible?

Speaking of impossibilities, Dulles received damn near half a foot of rain last night. The deluge was enough to send emergency response teams out with ambulances towing inflatable dinghies (is that how you spell the plural of Dinghy or is it Dinghai?) I saw two such occurences while travelling back from PA yesterday.

Speaking of travelling back from PA, Bud Light should feature Mr. Truck Stop Bathroom Grout Graffeti Artist as there next Real men of Genius. Has anyone else noticed this before? I will have to document and write a post of further susbtance exploring this topic at a later date.

Speaking of later dates, we are are roughly 1 month from the monster summer party. I called about the price of crabs and we are looking good at $90 per bushel. I also fired up the go kart last weekend and it is ready for its nex run in with Johnny Law.

I think that's about it for now.

PS you are not getting those 2 minutes back.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Gimme some of that ole timey psychology...

Here's the first installment of a fun lil series that will highlight researchers who kept it real.

Back before little things like ethics and IRBs got in the way of doing fun research like finding a baby named albert and banging pots and pans behind him everytime he saw a white mouse just to see if he would grow up to be afraid of santa clause's beard, you know important stuff.

Anyhow, first on my list is none other than Stanley Milgram, a real playa who's application to the psychology club AKA the American Psychology Association was put on hold due to the questionable ethics of his experiments.

He is probably most well know for his dabblings in obedience research, most notably the shock experiment, in which participants believed they were divided into two groups, learners and teachers (in actuality all participants were teachers and the learners were confederates* not the good ole boy kind, the hey we're in on the hustle kind).

So anyhow, teachers (shown as S below) were asked to read questions and learners (shown as A below) who were located in an adjacent room, were supposed to answer. For every wrong answer, the teacher was instructed to press a button on this fan-dangled contraption which delivered a variable shock to the learner. The device was a sham as well, but the participants didn't know that either (gullible ole participants!).

Now for the good stuff, the shock box (shown up top) had a dial ranging from 45 volts to, get this, XXX. With each wrong answer, the participant had to ratchet up the electric ante a notch or two, regardless of what the learner said (ie Stop this! Help! I don't want to participate any more! My heart, My heart! AAAAArARGHGGH *slump*).

When the teacher hesitated, the experimenter (shown as E above) would try and work his mental mack game and get the participant to continue, despite their better judgement.

The premise was to answer the question How far will people go, in terms of hurting others, when commanded to do so by an authoritative figure? On a short sidenote, the basis of the question stemmed from the atrocities of the Nazi's and people wondering how such acts could be done.

So how did this turn out?

More than two out of three people delivered the full shock monty and Peter Gabriel went on to write a song about it (no, not Shock the monkey, rather We do what we're told).

DIZAMN! That's like 67% doing the wrong thing 100% of the time!

It seems that a lab coat and clip board often trumped cries for help, feigned heart attacks, and even illusions of death.

If you want more details, you can peep them here.

Damn, Stanley, you'sa straight research gangsta and this blogs for you!

Now i am off to go buy a lab coat and clip board.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Rock it like Herbie Hancock

What else did I do this weekend?

1. Almost lost my GF's cat


2. Watched the Rock Paper Scissors world championship on the deuce (aka ESPN2)

What's next? Pencil fighting?

3. Played the new GTA

I almost played hooky today to continue my rampage through liberty city

4. Pondered the connection between the stockholm syndrome and katieholmes syndrome?

Falling in love with a kidnapper vs falling in love with a cradle robber?

5. Learned an interesting new phrase... myoclonic jerk.

Is that a new Steve Martin movie?

No, it's that sensation of falling and/or corresponding muscle spasm you get when you are drifting off to sleep. One interpretation is that your brain thinks your body is dying (it's not, it's only temporarily shutting down) and the brain sends out a quick pulse out to say "don't die, rather, get the F%#* up you lazy POS!"

6. Let a pseudo off color comment slip in front of the fams at Father's day BBQ.

It went a little something like this....

Mom: We should celebrate all the grandkids/Niece/Nephew's birthdays while they are in town

Grandma: But what would we do about the cakes? Would each kid have their own cake? That would be a whole lotta cakes!

Sister: Maybe we should just have a bunch of cupcakes?

Grandma: How would we know which ones were boy cupcakes and which ones were girl cupcakes?

Sister: The boys would have blue frosting and the girls would have pink

Me: Yeah, and the boys cupcakes would be the ones with nuts.


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Weekend plans...

For me:
  • Recover sleep lost this week
  • Unwrap and play the new GTA I bought on tuesday
  • Nap
  • Whittle a train out of a bar of soap for fathers day

For melady--partake of the finest offerings of Dewey Beach which for this weekend include the following:

  • Vanilla Ice -- not the dessert, but the former rapper turned angry white dude in concert at the bottle and cork. I swear.
  • All you can peel and eat shrimp for the ladies special offered by the local bar--seriously? Who the hell are they trying to attract with that mess? I've heard of Scandals giving away diamond earings to get the ladies in the door, but peel and eat shrimp? That's a cry for help if I ever heard it!

Red Stripe

Mo' Betta' Advertising...

Helping the white man dance!


Making ugly people beautiful.

Hooray Beer!

Monday, June 12, 2006

For Papa Burr...

Excerpt from Ice Cube's No Vaseline:
I never have dinner with the President.
I never have dinner with the President.
I never have dinner with the President.
And when I see your ass again, I'll be hesitant.
Now I think you a snitch,throw a house n!gga in a ditch.
Half-pint b!tch, f$ckin' your homeboys.You little maggot;
Eazy E turned f*ggot.With your manager, fella,f$ckin' MC Ren, Dr. Dre, and Yella.
But if they were smart as me,Eazy E would be hangin' from a tree.
With no vaseline, just a match and a little bit of gasoline.
Light 'em up, burn 'em up, flame on...till that Jheri curl is gone.

I'm a planning, planning, planning machine (the links-a-lot edition)

Watch me get down now!

Who wants to rent the General Lee for the wedding?

Who wants to know how to make a pinata?

A pinata that looks like this?

Only to be filled with this?

Don't get mad at me. I voted for carlos.

You had to be there.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Strange Facts about... I am 95% sure I tried oatmeal for the first time in my life yesterday. Actually, I am 100% sure I ate it, and pretty sure it took me 30 years to decide to try it. So sue me, I like to ease into thngs.

...Thailand: There is a shortage of yellow shirts.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

2000 Acura Interga -- Autoweek Vol 5

Yeah, this whole autoweek thing has gone beyond a week, sorry about that. What can I say, I have owned quite a few cars in my day.

After backing into a snowbank with the Mazda and wedging a bunch of snow into the muffler and blowing the seal on the turbo from the back pressure, I decided to buy a car that had less than 120,000 miles on it.

Introducing the 2000 Acura Integra GS-r...

Yes, back then I lived my life a quarter mile at a time.

I had a Jackson Racing Supercharger strapped onto the 8K winding v-tec. When you floored it, it made a sound like a shop vac on steroids and ran like it stole something. It ate tires like star jones eats donuts and its 17s made sure your arse felt every inconsistency in the road.

The air conditioning stopped working during the hottest summer on record and I got tired of the $1000 tunes required every year to make the car run like it should so I sent it along its merry way. It was a fun car while I had it, but let's face it, it's no roo.

Train wreck of the week, possibly the millenium...

Sweet pappy molassy, where do I even begin with this one?

Have you ever purchased a soundtrack for a movie without actually seeing the movie?

And then feel so guilty about it, that you force yourself to watch the movie, not cause you want to, but out of a sense of obligation?

Well I have. I think I have owned the soundtrack to Sunset Park for the better part of a decade and just saw the movie for the first time today.

If you don't own/haven't heard the soundtrack and like solid hip-hop jams circa mid 90s, then you owe it to yourself to go pick it up. The tracks from Mobb Deep, Onyx and JM are well worth the price of admission, which on amazon starts at just 1 penny for a used disc.

If you haven't seen the movie, and want to poke your eyes out with a hot poker, watch the movie. The basic premise is that Rhea Pearlman (that's Danny Devito's wife) decides to take a sidejob coaching an inner city basketball team to fund her life long dream of buying a stake in her favorite restaurant. The thing is, now get this, she knows NOTHING about basketball.


Yes, it is pretty much as bad as you can imagine it to be. However, the appearances of a few "before they were famous" stars almost controls the stank of the movie to a little turd versus a massive steaming pile of corn seeded crap.

Example 1. Gary Dourdan

Yes, 98% of you are probably asking, who the f$%K is that? He plays Warrick Brown on the good CSI. He plays a dreadlocked gangsta for like 3 minutes in the movie. Just enough to say, hey, isn't that the guy with the gambling problem from CSI?

Example 2. Terrence Howard

Only 93% of you are asking who the f$%k is that? Well, he broke through big time with Crash where he played a movie director who is accused of acting whiter in order to fit in with Hollywood. In a really weird sense of irony he was listed as Terrence DaShon Howard in the credits of Sunset Park but only as Terrence Howard for Crash. I'll leave the discussion up to you.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It's gonna be another busy week

So let me drop a little something something on ya real quick...

Things overheard at restaurants this weekend....

The good (in a british accent no less): "Son you have got to get to know those hooter girls better" --A man sez to his 4 year old boy

The Bad: "Manuel, come see this. This is what I was telling you about. This is a health code violation. Make it go away." --The hostess to the busboy pointing at something behind the bar

The Ugly: "You are a smelly pirate hooker." Me to Mr. White Chocolate after having to consume an entire pint while playing Bullisht pyramid and having the table next to us give disparaging looks.

Friday, May 26, 2006

So you don't have to look at the clown any more

Here's a picture of some people playing donkey baseball.

I'll write more later...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I am going to go wash my eyeballs now...

Who drives a car with tags like this?

Do you really want to know?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Sugar free Twizzlers = Pure Evil

Trust me on this one.

I am no doctor, but something tells me you should not be able to hear food being digested. And for sure, people next to you should not be able to hear it.

My stomach is making noises like when you throw water on a gremlin.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A sidecar named desire

Went to a wedding this weekend.

Wedding had an open bar.

Fancy one, too.

The kind loaded with bottles of stuff that you don't even recognize.

Thus, I was so inspired to expand my lushicious horizons and order a sidecar.

The barkeep said "Sure thing, what's in a sidecar?"

I replied "I have no clue, you are the bartender, you tell me."

Barkeep says to BarkeepII "Hey barkeepII, what's a sidecar?"

BarkeepII "I have no idea."

Me "Just make something up."

BarkeepI "Like what?"

Me "Let's try vodka and fresh lime juice."

Despite being nowhere close to what a real sidecar is, my drink was pretty decent.

A few minutes later a friend went to the bar and ordered a dirty side car and a new game of screw with the bartender was born.

Over the course of the evening a variety of interesting and non-existing drinks were ordered. These drinks included, but were not limited to...

Curly Mullet

The Fuzzy Ninja

A dirrty (yes dirrty) Shirley Temple

An Arabian Cricket

and perhaps my most favorite...

The Sexy Pickle.

I even came up with a impromptu recipe (Sprite and Midori) to act as if such a thing truly exists.

The Sexy Pickle has the added benefit of being able to ask others important questions such as "Have you seen my sexy pickle?" or "You want taste my sexy pickle?"

I debated also asking for a Gary Busey, but feared receiving a pint of whiskey coupled with a slap and a warrant.

Late in the evening, as the game progressed, I overheard someone order a one-legged hooker. When the bartender asked what kind of drink is that? They replied, who said anything about a drink?

Ok, I made that last part up.

In other news, I had collard greens for dinner.

Friday, May 12, 2006

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their
Mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce Today is SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:
You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with
a stapler or a hole-puncher.


After you have slapped the recipient, your Assault must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of andget to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ring of Fire

No longer only the name of a Johnny Cash song, but also the name of a home grown drinking game that in once played WILL change the way you look at the world.

The by product of liberal consumption of South Paw Light and Guiness compounded with several restaurant quality deviant minds, this game emerged like a phoenix from the ashes of several rounds of beer pong.

After a heated discussion, the ring of fire council was formed and guidelines for future participation were established. We shyed away from rules, because this game is most appealing to miscreants who pride themselves on breaking them, thus their development would ultimately be as pointless as playing see-saw with Kristy Alley.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the 2006 Myrtle Beach Ring of Fire Council, I present to you the guiding principles and corresponding examples behind Ring of Fire.

First, develop a list of "drinking punishments" and write each one on a piece of paper, then fold it up and place it in a hat. The exact number of punishments doesn't matter greatly, but you want a decent number. We used 8, since the number 8 is great according to the Count. You want some variation in the punishments, but they should all be attainable, and hopefully within the confines of the law. Of our eight we had one light punishment and one really really evil one. They were, presented in level of severity, as follows:

1. Eat a pretzel (AKA the one free pass)
2. Give a shotgun and take a shot gun (you shotgun a beer and elect someone else to do the same)
3. Funnel a beer
4. Irish Car Bomb
5. South Paw Bomb (Irish car bomb made with South Paw light instead of Guiness)
6. Flip for shots (you have 1 chance to flip a cup, if you hit, everyone else drinks a shot, if you miss you drink a shot)
7. Wine shooters (5 glasses, each with 2 shots of wine, must be finished in 5 minutes)
8. Mat shot (each player pours a beverage of their choice into the loser's cup, thus with five players, you end up with a cup filled 5 different drinks)

Next, take 12 keg cups and place each on upside down on a table. Hide a ping pong ball under one cup and then array them in form a circle. Have someone else spin the table around a few times. Then have someone else do the same.

Now the stage is set. Grab a deck of cards and gather around a second table or sit on the floor. Deal everyone a card and low card loses. In case of multiple low cards, a game of war settles the score. Loser has to visit the ring of fire and pull a cup (if the loser lost at war, they pull 2 cups, 3 cups if there was a war on top of a war). If the cup is empty, they remove it from the mix and the game continues (another round of cards is dealt).

When someone removes a cup and finds the ball, play Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" and have them draw a punishment and take it like a man or eastern European woman. Afterwards, remove that punishment from the mix and reset the ring of fire for another round. Continue playing until all punishments have been issued.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but with the right element, it's pretty much the greatest game of all times.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Holding it down for German engineering since 87 yaaaa! Autoweek vol3

After the LGC moved on to greener pastures, I picked up a 1988 VW Golf GTI. I was working with a car wholesaler and picked it up pretty much at cost (for him) which was $1,500.

I know most people would scoff at this car, but I liked it. Perhaps due to the contrast effect and my previous car. More likely, however, it was due to my appreciation for being able to see beyond face value and size up potential.

Going on looks alone, a fair amount of people would consider this car butt ugly and never give it a second thought. Peel back the boxy exterior and you will find something rather revolutionary. VW engineers were pretty far ahead of the ricer curve, putting out an affordable, fun to drive pocket rocket. In fact, a recent issue of Automobile magazine placed the GTI among twenty cars which changed the way consumers think about cars and you don't see status like that every day (fugly looks or not).

As for interesting back story, my most memorable experience with the GTI was losing it when I was sideswiped by a drunk driver late one night while out looking for a Mother's day card. I was cruising along when WHAMO! I got sidechecked to the next lane by a Jeep which kept on truckin. I gave pursuit, flashing my lights and laying on the horn. A mile or so later the jeep pulled over.

The driver asked me what the problem was and I replied "nothing aside from the fact you just hit me." He opened his door to get out to assess the damage and fell out of his seat. He was more sauced than Courtney Love at a roast. He tried to leave the scene, but I busted out my ninja like skills and snacthed his keys from his ignition before he could make his getaway.

I proceeded to call the cops on a payphone. He proceeded to hang up said payphone.

I proceeded to call again and he proceeded to charge me like a bull.

I stuck out my elbow.

He ran into ye olde elbow and fell backwards.

We exchanged pleasantries.

The cops came.

He went to jail.

My GTI went bye bye, but not without blessing me with a nice insurance check. Actually I was able to keep it for the check less $100 and I did, banking on the fact that I could get at least $100 for it at the auto auction. I was right. It sold for close to $1,600, more that what I originally paid for it it the first place.

It was sort of my automotive giving tree.