Thursday, December 27, 2007

Um, so what's up with that creepy baby?

On a recent adventure to Dallas, I decided to read the airline magazine to pass time while enroute. While flipping through the pages I saw the most disturbing image of the blinged out baby and seeing as it is the season of sharing, I wanted to pass that along to each and everyone of you. No need to thank me.

All in all, it was a pretty good haul this year. I need to take some pictures of some of my more interesting gifts, as words won't do them justice.

Stay tuned.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Monday, December 17, 2007

One superbad bullet dodged...

When the previews for superbad first started to play, I had virtually no interest in seeing the movie. However, as time passed, I began hearing all sorts of positive feedback from reputable and not-so-reputable sources alike. It got enough street cred among enough of my associates that I decided to give the movie a go, but I never had time while it was in the theaters. Recently it was released on DVD and I was so close to making a blind purchase since I had heard so much good stuff about it.

Thank what ever diety you worship I did not. I know I am going to catch flak from some folks, but that movie was straight up lame. It is not that the movie was bad. It just wasn't good. Kind of like a sub from subway. Except that the reasons subs from subway are tolerable is that they are fast, cheap, and healthy. There wasn't much to justify the lack of goodness I have been so eagerly expecting. Thank you netflix, from saving me from that purchase.

My purchase luck ran out there though.

This past weekend I attended a friend's holiday party and wanted to bring along a little bit of the seasonal Sam Adam's joy that is Old Fezziwig's Ale. That is a beer that is so tasty, it makes you want to slap Jim Koch's Mama. The kicker is, the only way to get Ole Fezzi, is to buy the holiday sampler for $16 and that only comes with 2 bottles, in theory.

Why "in theory?"

Well much to my dismay, my sampler only had 1 fezziwig. The other was mysteriously swapped with a scotch ale (which is also delicious, but much more widely available). And one of my cream stouts was switched with a brown ale. It was like a TJ maxx or Marhsall's case of beer, slightly irregular, and should have been clearly labelled and discounted as such. That makes me want to slap Jim Koch.

I sent their website an email, so we'll see where we go with that one.

Also, happy birthday Joshiebear.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Reason # 406 I loves the Internet...

While I am not certain why, I can only assume that the approaching holiday season triggered the memory of a toy I remember seeing as a much younger topic15. A toy I never owned, but wanted to for a long time.

I could not remember its name, but a quick google search on 1980s toys programmable vehicle revealed the one and only Big Trak.

Technically it was a toy of the late 1970's, but its futuristic style wore well into the early 1980's. Essentially it was a thinking man's remote control car.

It did not have an external remote, rather the top of the Big Trak contained a key pad which you could program a series of commands to tell the Big Trak what to do, Go forward 10 steps, turn left, reverse 2 steps, fire the proton cannon 200 times.

As a kid I wanted one of these (or at least I think I did). Now, being older and seeing a video of one in action, I would assume the capabilities did not justify whatever price it was sold at...



Monday, December 10, 2007

Stick to your knitting, Subway

Subway, we need to talk. Your latest efforts are going to confuse consumers. You can not position yourself as purveyor of healthy eats, and support fitness then throw a sandwich called "the feast" on your menu and have Quahog's favorite portly son promote it.

I love Family Guy, but Peter Griffen is not the face of healthly choices.

It's like when cadillac tried to get into the business of selling small cars. Nobody wants a small caddy and nobody goes to subway to pig out on delicious subs, because well, quite frankly there subs taste like shit.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Get ready to learn something new, Part II of II

For those of you who were interested in seeing the Suge Knight Christmas video and click on the link in the previous post.

Congrats!

You just got rick rolled!

Apparently, this has become the latest rage in online practical joking. The premise is as follows, you lure an unsuspecting mark to the site under false pretense of seeing some sort of amazing video or latebreaking news. As soon as the victim arrives at the site, they are bushwhacked, er, greeted by that damn Rick Astley video.

According to the stats on youtube, some 3 million folks have been rick rolled to date, and the number grows daily.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Get ready to learn something new Part I of II

Pandora recently started offering genre based channels and I figured I would explore their holiday channel to stream a little holiday joy through my computer speakers. After considering the different genre's of holiday fare, I opted for the R&B/Pop holiday station.



A few songs into the mix and I swear I heard Nate Dogg rockin the mic, holiday style. I clicked over to check the album and sho'nuff it was him, dropping his cut from Death Row record's Christmas Album, Christmas on the Row.

I kid you not. This album has Snoop rapping about Santa going str8 to tha Geto.

I did not know that such an album existed and chances are, neither did you.

Even less well known, is that there was a music video to go along with it, featuring Suge Knight as santa and that little guy from Friday as his elf.

You can see that video here.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Baggage Handler 1 - Ben's Bag 0

I just returned from a swank, long weekend, birthday trip to Dallas. The trip was great. There was much fun, discovery of a new favorite beverage, Scottish Ale, and enjoyment of a far more temperate climate.

Somewhere between DFW airport and IAD airport, some rogue baggage handler saw it fit to challenge my bag to a no-holds barred, hell in a cell, texas tornado, lumberjack, hardcore wrestling match. The handler won, largely due to the fact that he/she is a mobile sentient being and my bag is well, just a bag.

Normally I would allow, heck, even encourage this very sort of behavior.

Unfortunately, normally I don't cart around several large glass bottles of hot sauce and a bag of sumac.

As one could imagine the combination was take a brick to a gun fight ugly. As we drove from the airport I thought I caught a brief scent of vinegar coming from my bag. Once home, I opened the bag only to reveal a sight so horrifying, it might qualify for Saw 5. I really should have taken a picture as words can not do justice to the mix of broken glass and clothing all bathed in red.

Sigh.

AA baggage staff, ride it.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We normally don't make it a habit of telling people what to do, here at topic15, rather we prefer to offer recommendations.

That basic tenet is suspended for this post.

GO HERE NOW!

This, hands down, is the funniest damn thing I have seen in a good long while.

We can all thank the honorable Wehe for that one.

Well played sir, well played.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Social Experiments

I can't recall if I previously mentioned this, although if not I almost certainly should have, but a good friend of mine has this little experiment he runs out west in the foothills of Berkeley.

He drives around looking for people and when he finds just the right person, he points at them and blows a pink whistle and yells "who do you think you are?" And them blows the whistle and points some more.

Well I only brought that back up because I recently came into ownership of my very own pink whistle. The problem is, I can not, for the life of me, carry on the experiment. Not so much due to any moral conflict, but more so, because I can not contain my laughter while doing so.

Hmmm, maybe the cure is to take the whistle to costco.

In other examples of social experiments/absent mindedness, they other day I walked off with someone else's grocery cart and got 2 aisles away before they tracked me down. Now I realize that this resulted from a total mind fart, but it raises a good question and possible extension of the pink whistle experiment. Go into the grocery store, walk off with someones cart, wait for them to find you, they whistle away and run.

Who's with me?

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Three little things...

1). Beowulf in 3-d is freaking awesome.

And even though comic book guy in row 6 would vehemently disagree it is certainly not because of Angelina Jolie's tig ole CG bitties. Rather it is makes good use of a long over looked medium, the CG is so good that there are points you forget you are not looking at real peeps and Beowulf throws a wicked good rabbit punch right in Grendle's freakish swollen external ear drum. Good stuff.
Some might ask, is the movie scary?
Yes.
But not so much for the Beowulf content as much as the previews which feature Brendan Frasier in 3-D. The world has yet to know such terror.
2). Why aren't plumbers in better shape?

In the last week I did the following:
A. Fixed the toilet
B. Removed all of the fallen leaves on our property with the B&D Bush Hog Vac
C. Ran for 45 minutes on the elliptical (ok technically it isn't running, but I don't think the word Elliping has been coined yet)

Which of these activities resulted in walking funny and wicked muscle soreness?
The toilet repair.
Christ I felt like I ran a marathon the next day. So why are plumbers all stereotypical chunky monkeys? They should be freaking Hulk Hogans if that is what they do on a daily basis.

3) Saving the best (*or possibly worst) for last...
Seeing as my birthday is right around the corner, presents have already started to arrive.
If you wonder what kinds of things T-15 gets as presents, today is your lucky day. Before we get to the gift, let's start with the paper.
What in the world kind of early birthday present for a 32 year old comes wrapped in paper like this?

According to my mother, one that matches the tone of the gift it hides, more in terms of how disturbing it is, than its colorfulness.

As I peeled back the clown jack-in-the-box laden paper, much to my surprise and delight, I found this...


Yessiree, The Terror of Tiny Town DVD, an all little person western starring Jed Buell's midgets...

Look, I swear I am not making this up.
Even better is the blurb on the back of the box....
The Terror of Tiny Town was produced by Jed Buell after the success of his 1937 novely/exploitation picture, Harlem on the Range, the first all-black western.
A sequel little-person western, Hang 'em Not so High was announced but sadly abandoned before it was ever put to cameras.
Hot damn!
If this is any indication how year 32 goes down in the book of T-15, I am not gonna complain.







Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Do what now?

Another installment in cultural enlightenment, this chapter of T-15 will feature a special cat fish fishing technique known as noodling (AKA Hogging AKA Catfisting AKA Grabbing AKA Graveling AKA Tickling AKA Dogging AKA Stumping AKA DO WHUT?)

The technique works as follows...

1) Go to a muddy river



2) Get in and look for a stump

3) Jam your beater into the stump and hope a cat fish chomps down on your finger

4) Yank it out



5) Drink a Coors Light in celebration of catching a fish and not encountering a snapping turtle, beaver or Julia Roberts in the stump.

Friday, November 16, 2007

That newscaster is going to h-e-double hockey sticks...

I promise, I had nothing to do with the editing of that tape....

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Who wants to go to Britt Iowa Next August?

why?

The national Hobo convention.

Yes, after a quick visit to hobo.com to answer all of my burning hobo questions, I discovered that hobos have their own convention, hoboweek, a hobo code, hobo kings and queens, and even hobo court.

I kid you not.

Hobo.com

go there and see for yourself.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Dear Santa...

Please send me one of these...



In case you are wondering, that contraption is the love child of an arcade cabinet and a kegerator. Who needs dave and buster's?

Other items of interest I've seen round the net include...

The Back-up, a bed mounted gun rack for your shotgun which is positioned as the last line of defense. One only wonders how long it will be before Onyx gets on board with their own version, the Bacdafucup rack for your twin desert eagles with hollow points.

A yodelling pickle.

Well that's it. What can I say, I am but a simple man with simple tastes.

Friday, November 09, 2007

It's like a 40 pack of road rage...

Ok, time to get topic15 back on track and if topic15 is good for anything, it is highly-concentrated acerbic complaining.

Yessirree, no half-steppin, limp-wristed constructive criticism here, but rather, a plethora of restaurant quality hatin'.

Topic of the day? Costco.

Perhaps no other establishment can be the source of such pain and joy at the same time.

As much as I love their products and prices, I can not stand 99.9% of the other members. It is almost as bad as the intersection of the post-Rodney King LA riots and a South Carolina Piggly Wiggly after a devastating 1 inch snow storm is about to hit.

Let's review a sampling of the worst offenders...

The free sample C-blocker
You can find this prick monopolizing the free sample table. While I don't have a problem with repeat samplers, I do have a problem when you block the box and strike up a fake conversation with the worker to hide the fact that you are going to eat 8 pounds of alpine lace swiss cheese. C'mon! Get your sample and get your fat ass out of the way. Other people came to Costco for a free lunch too ya know?


The Absent Minded Carter
This piece of work is virtually impossible to miss, as they seem to have a fever and the only prescription is to slowly wander aimlessly right in front of you only to ditch their cart exactly in the middle of the aisle, at a cockeyed angle, so there is no getting around.

Look, I am not a criminal on the run and you are not a cop who parks their cruiser sideways on the road to block it. But, if you insist, I will play ball and ram right the heck through, I have 12 pounds of red peppers to buy for $5.


The Cardless Member
You typically encounter this person at the two biggest choke points, the entry and checkout. More often female than not, they tend to wait till they get carded at the door to start searching through their duffle-bag sized purse for their membership card, effectively cutting off entry for all subsequent members. 2 hours later, when the line wraps around the door, they realize their card is in their other purse.

Good Grief!

The worst part is that is does not end there. Some actually do manage to find their cards, only to lose them in that freaky purse abyss sometime between entry and checkout, thus requiring the entire process to happen again at check out. Adding insult to injury, they often pay by check as well. It is a good thing the cases of socks and the cases of soap are on opposite sides of the store, cause if not, I think I would be smelling a blanket party cooking.


I can't afford a Baby-sitter, so I just take the kids to Costco
Pretty self-explanatory, these wanks let their kids run loose in Costco like it is some sort of kid nation. Unfortunately without the mistaking of bleach for lemonade. You know that cage where they lock up electronics? Costco needs to start locking up unaccompanied kids there to resell them to Bradgelina or Madonna types.


Honestly,I think Costco is too liberal with their membership. It should be a privilege, not a right, and you should be required to take a test to qualify for membership.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

In the news today...Coincidence?

Did anyone else notice this on CNN's website today?

Just another item to throw in the bushel basket of things that make you go hmmmmmm.

So as I logged in, I was rather shocked by the fact that my last post was 10/20 -- 18 days ago, and I don't even have a superfly rap song to show for it.

Good grief.

Either I am become extra-ordinarily lazy with my bloggage, I am too boring to find stuff to blog about, or perhaps time is moving faster.

Yes, that's it. It must be. In fact I do recall seeing a blurb on the news about a slight change in the earth's rotational speed. I was utterly shocked at the nonchalant manner in which the news caster glossed over that fact to get to a really important story, so important I don't remember what it was about, but seem to believe it was about whether or not Tom the Turkey would be ready for the thanksgiving day parade. Yes, that certainly trumps the earth deciding that it wants to change speed.

I can't blame channel 5 news, they are simply catering to the interests of their viewers. And let's face it, people are becoming increasingly less intelligent. It is only a matter of time before machines take over. Or have they already started? I recently read an article in Wired magazine, my latest un-guilty pleasure about the electronic devices becoming our outboard brains. Quick tell me you parent's phone number. Heck, tell me your phone number. Many people immediately grab for the cell phone for such information nowadays, quite frankly because there is far more information available to process now than ever before, and our cabeza's only have some much capacity, unless your name is Ken Jennings.

So, if recall of facts is no longer a reliable marker of intelligence, what is? Could it be the ability to gather facts (as opposed to storing them) and place them in the appropriate context?

Bo Darvill might suggest precisely so. He once said something to the effect of the intelligence of what you know depends on where you are. Very moving. Who, you might ask is Bo Darville? The bandit, i.e. Burt Reynolds from Smokey and the Bandit. I've tried searching all over online for the exact quote, but my search turned up as fruitless as Sheriff Buford T. Justices.

So where am I going with all this?

You'll see, we are almost there.

What has long separated man from machine, intelligence-wise, is the ability to tease out context and apply it to facts. And for this we can sleep safe at night.

Then I found this. A mere toy, an electronic game, a modern rendition of a classic pastime, 20 questions?

Ha! It is the first shot in the man vs computer wars!

Let me tell you while not 100% accurate, it comes disturbingly close. And that is the home version (which is non-learning). The online version continues to grow in intelligence with every game played.

Oh Snap, somebody call Sarah Connors STAT!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Cliff Wagner & The Old # 7

Van Damn! I wasn't expecting much from the American Idol spin-off, the Next Great American Band, but gotta sucka punched by its premier last night.

Among the usual tool bags on the audition show were a few gems. Most surprisingly, for me, was the strong presence of bluegrass bands and standing at the front of the pack is Cliff Wagner & the Old #7.

I happened to stumble across one of his video's on youtube which pretty much erased any inkling of a question as to whether or not I am a fan.

My nana had that same IH Cub Cadet tractor, I have been known to enjoy a C-45 tall boy from time to time, and I own a remarkable similar suit. The real deal sealer, however is the ever so brief cameo of the luchador.

Genius. Pure unfiltered genius.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Remember that rap song I wrote a while back?

Well, I started on my follow-up. Actually I started in last February and this soon to be .5 mic classic has been collecting dust ever since. I figure since I haven't had much time for original content lately, I would go ahead and throw it out as a work in progress.

Now if I can just track down that Moses guy who can turn tablets into records, I might be able to produce this as a video.

Artist: Topic 15
Title: Da Return of the Burrito Slayer! (Adios Amigo Mix)

The kid is back on the scene with Rome styled infusion
To set the record straight with chrome plated confusion
My I can has rap style’s no joke, unstable volatile like mentos & coke
Cow poke, battle me and see the inevitable conclusion of losin,
then choke while I’ll smack you around and call you Susan
Sarandon, hunky dory glory hole bruisin with reckless abandon


My skills are so tight I’ll even rhyme something with Orange
When it comes to soda pop, it’s always grape or orange
Yeah I used orange twice, so what, my game is that nice
Get a hair cut Bo Bice, Idol wannabe with dreams unborn
Frozen hot pocket, stale microphone rocket fiend forlorn.

Pass the blue raspberry mad dog with bling bling
So I can get gassed up like Weng Weng on Ginseng
Rattle the cipher’s nest and watch my hornet entourage sting
Like a slot machine addiction, an unmistakable bad habit
Wascally wabbit, One armed bandits can’t play 40 hands, jim abbott
You try but just can’t have it.

Word.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

BDP 3:16 says...

3:16 into the video (actually it is -2:14 the way the timer works when you embed)...



Words can not describe the awesomeness.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tangermeister

For those who dare, I have discovered a new drink, which while I have yet to sample, can promise will offer an express ticket to trouble-ville.

Ladies and gentlemen, what do you get when you cross an jager-bomb with an astronaut?

The tangermeister.

1 shot of jager dropped into have a cup of tang.

Let the booting and bar fights commence.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Spreading the love and the hate...

Sorry for the sparse postage lately, thangs been re-diggity-donk-u-lously busy.



In fact I just put in 5.5 hours of work and it is a freaking sunday. Buh!



Regardless there are 2 things which are far too important not to share.



Example #1: VH1 Soul.



Yes I have very mixed reactions about this, but when it comes down to it, this lil' ghetto child of VH1 is pretty much the hotness. If not for no other reason than its showcasing of the documentary, And you don't stop: 30 years of hip hop. One can only hope that this comes out on DVD. I'm not gonna spoil much, but it gives an unprecedented look into this like the genesis of the NWA's F#$% the Police (hint it involves Ice Cube's Suzuki Sidekick bus stops in Compton and a paint ball gun) and the demise of the group (hint it involves scrilla AKA snaps AKA money). Even better are how some of the participants dissect songs such as Nuthin but a G thing and compare it to "some black beach boys shit."



Glorious!



Even better is the fact that they have things like Teddy Riley's Top 10 New Jack Swing countdown, where he confesses that one of his groups, Black Street absolutely hated the song No Diggity when they first heard it. Teddy pushed hard and convinced they to cut the track, but the concession was that he had to sing the hook. Fast foward and it becomes arguably the best (if not only) song the group is known for. This is Don Schlitz/Kenny Rogers all over again.



Awesome.



Now for example #2, which is also awesome, but in a totally nast kind of way.

I came very close to talking my wife into buying this last night. We were at an Exxon gas station and they had a huge bin of 50% off candy and I saw some king size reese cups and got totally geeked.

I then looked closed and saw that they were laced with banana creme.

BLEH!

No wonder that mess didn't sell at full price.

Banana creme, peanut butter and chocolate?

Reeses, go smack yourself. Are you in cahoots with Frito lay? Save that mess for someone else.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

C'mon Frito Lay, now you are just messing with me...

Fritos are quite tasty as is, no doubt, but keeping with industry standards and evolving tastes, the continue the quest for the next flavor breakthrough.

And their latest offering is....

Tangy roasted corn Fritos.

Um, let me get this straight. The best you can do is to come up with a corn flavored corn chip?

You are totally fucking with me right?

Cause if not, I really hope someone in the bowels of the Frito Lay HQ is putting the smackdown on R&D right about now.

What did you do? Hire the lead researcher away from Hot Pockets? The same guy who came up with the chicken pot pie hot pocket (the same hot pocket flavored hot pocket that Jim Gaffigan so often rants about)?

Granted, as low rent as a corn flavored corn chip is, at least they are being honest, unlike those sneaky bastards at doritos.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Kickin it old skool

Look, I'll be the first to admit that I care not for the comedic stylings of one Jamie Kennedy, especially after the Malibu's most wanted fiasco.

Needless to say, I had low expectations* for his recent offering, kicking it old skool, but decided to give it a shot as it features Bobby Lee and included Rowdy Roddy Piper in the credits (yet he was no where to be seen in the actual film).

I have to say I was pleasently surprised. Maybe it was seeing all those 80s-tastic toys in the credit or a rat tail less than 5 minutes in, but this movie is worth a watch on the 80s nostalgia alone.

A nice added bonus was discovering the D. Ramirez Remix of Bodyrox's "Yeah Yeah" featured in the dance off between a bunch of face painted freaks called the Misfitz and a You got served kinda crew.



That track is just plain swank!

As a second nice treat, Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" Quinones AKA Ozone from 1984's Breakin was in charge of choreography. RADICAL! I am not sure if it was his doing or not, but there is a deliberate nod to Turbo AKA Bugaloo Shrimp's dancing with the broom rountine.

If not for anything else, watch it for the Hoff cameo.


* I'm talking midget on his knees low

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Stay classy hacksaw...

While at a friend's wedding this past weekend I met an interesting fellow who goes by the name "hacksaw."

We swapped stories about the Boondock Saints and he told me his goal in life is to curb stomp someone. It's good to have goals in life. Right?

Did I say he was an interesting fellow?

During the day he works at the NY Renn Fest.

As a pirate.

During the night we works at some sort of boarding house for Renn. Fest women.

His role must be tied to guest services, as he said inherent to his job duties is to make sure patrons are satisfied with their stay and recently one such lady required his "manly" services in order to be fully satisfied.

Yowzers!

Let that sink in for a moment.

Yes, I met a pirate hooker.

Did I mention he was an interesting fellow?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Rollin down the street, sippin on prune juice..

Aw man, as if I have not faced enough depressing events in the last few weeks, I happened across this.

For you busta's too lazy to be clicking on links, the article linked above is a review of Death Row Record's special 15th anniversary release.

Sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus in a blanket, tell me it has not been 15 years since Snoop was rockin the airwaves with his johnson baby powder and cool water cologne.

15 years?

Dizamn! That album is older enough for it's learners permit, which means it is only a few months before it starts asking for the keys to the car and all that mess.

Well, I guess it is not all bad. In fact, the album is quite good.

I recently took a trip to AC and while riding up, I was rocking the 2 cd set, which is quite nice. I joked with my passenger about how fun it would be to roll into the Borgata rockin Compton hats, and heading straight to the roulette wheel to bet on black.

I could picture the chain of events so cleary...

Topic15 & Fu (pronounced few): Chip me up for a hundrizzle, fo rizzle and put all that shizzle all on da blackness my nizzle!

Wheel attendent: Um, what are you asking for?

Fu: Damn professor peckerwood! Are you deaf? He said put a hundred on black, you crackajack Mofo!

Wheel attendent: Are you sure?

Topic15 & Fu: WTF you think (as we point to out compton hats).

Yeah that wouldn't be something.

Although I really don't think the Borgata is down with those types of antics.



The whole point of the trip was to celebrate a friend's last weekend as a bachelor. Me and Fu had some time to kill before the guest of honor and the rest of his entourage arrived.

Five hours to be exact.

That is what happens when you roll with a gypsy, 5 hour delays and such. We hit up the corner likka store, played some games at the arcade, had dinner, and then we decided to rock some black 8 action.

As my second attempt, I concur the findings of my initial efforts. Simply delicious. Unexpected and unnaturally tasty.

It is pretty interesting, as the first time I tried a black 8 was with the honorable Burr, and he felt that the OE was gonna ruin the guinness. Fu, conversely, was deathly affraid that the guinness was going to taint the OE. Both were pleasantly pleased with the outcome. I may have to host a black 8 event to share this joy with the world at some point in time.

All in all, the night was good and we stayed out of trouble.

The only real regret I have is betting $40 on the number 8 in roulette, but c'mon, think about it....

$40 on the number 8, which not only happens to be my favorite number but is also black.

Black...
8...
40...

The significance of hitting that number would have been chilling to say the least.

Instead it was some jive weak red number that the greek next to me bet on.

Malaka!

Monday, September 03, 2007

One more reason the neighbor's hate me...

This weekend, I decided to "pimp my ride" and by pimp my ride, I mean install the world's most annoying horns.


This video really does not do the horns justice. They sound like running over a nest full of inebriated, and somewhat mentally challenged pterodactyls.


Friday, August 31, 2007

King James comes correct...

You may have heard of a Longaberger basket, but have you ever heard of a Long Beach basket?

Cause if not, break yo'self fool, for hands down the most gangsta wedding present on record...


Among the tasty treats hidden in the ghetto-fabulous cornacopia of flava are 2 40's (Bull Bull and that hateful SOB Steelie 211) and a Big ole bag of cheese doodles. There was a nice card and some Mike's, but we all know where the real action is!

Nice work James! You have raised the bar (by lowering the bar) and for that I am much obliged!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Where you at T-15?

I know my blogging has been sparse over the past few weeks, and some of you have been asking? Where's topic15 at?

Is he still mourning the death of hip-hop as seen through the tricky interplay of rap and wrap in Mcdonald's latest commercials?

Nope.

Even worse.

Look, I know I have different views than your average boo boo bear, but I have been absolutely floored by the fact that some creepy dude who plays with dolls for a living beat out Cas Haley in the America's got Talent competition.

It is a crying shame.

And for that, there has been no posting.

Well that and I have been RE-DIGGITTY-DONK-ULOUSLY busy at work these past few weeks.

So until I find some witty observations, drink too much cough syrup or take some pictures of my home made koolickle experiment, hang tight and enjoy this clip of Cas Haley in action with his band woodbelly.

Monday, August 27, 2007

NIN vs Garbage

Here's another little mash-up I made...


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Koolickles

What's the latest food craze sweeping gas station and seedy counters across the nation?



Kool aid pickles or Koolickles for those in the know are dill pickles that have been soaked in Kool Aid (often Cherry or Fruit Punch) using a top secret tecnnique, which I am about to reveal.



Careful, pay attention now. This is a very complex 3 step process.


Step 1. Make your self a pitcher of Kool Aid





Step 2. Throw some Dill pickles all up in that Kool Aid





Step 3. Let those two ingredients make sweet sweet love for 24 hours




Awwwwwww yeah!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Culture of Fear

Sheesh!

Well apparently scammers have learned the utility of using fear as a motivator to giving up personal information, either via email or the phone.

I recently received an email warning of the latest instances of scams, which are essentially online extortion rackets. Basically these are SPAM messages which appear to come from a hit man who has been hired to give you a dirt nap. And give explicit instructions on how you can buy them off.

Other versions are derived from this approach and come from a spoofed FBI investigator who needs to verify your information for "security" purposes.

You can read all about it on the FBI website.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Thanks, I'll take the restless leg syndrome

Not that I have it (that I know of), but I can not imagine the symptoms associated with this condition would be severe enough to offset the potential side effects from managing this condition with rx meds.

I saw a commercial a few days ago and the voice over indicated side effects are generally mild, but may include uncontrollable urges to gamble and falling asleep without warning while engaged in normal daily activities such as driving.

What is the treatment? A ruffie-colada?

Jesus, I'll stick with the creepy crawly legs instead of risking getting the urge to drive out to Vegas, then fall asleep while enroute.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Where are they now?

Remember those freaky singing animal robots from Chuck E Cheese?

They are back...

Deviant Tendencies

Ok, so more examples of just how simple it could be to be a restaurant quality A-hole.

While on my recent international travels, I saw no shortage of folks toting around the new Harry Potter.

I also saw no shortage of online hub-bub about spoilers and how hard it was for folks to try and keep it real and save themselves for all of JK's twists in the final chapter of the scarred wizard.

Everytime I saw one of these muggles, I really had to fight the urge to start spouting off random bits of misinformation such as "RON IS GAY!" or "VOLDEMORT IS HARRY'S REAL FATHER!"

But thankfully, for them, my medula oblongata works like a charm and keeps these jack-assery impulses in check.

Thankfully for me as well.

You see, while waiting in line at the border check point in Texas, my mental gears started turning in their twisted ways and my mind was flooded with the sorts of things you probably don't want to say to the customs/immigration officer when he waves you up for inspection.

Things like:

(1) Cheering like a Muslim --- LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
(2) Scream Hilary in 2008 whoooooooo!
(3) Stating that Texas is full of steers and queers and I don't see any horns on you
(4) Declaring Toby Keith is a communist
(5) Yelling Ozzie was right (ps he peed on the alamo and was banned from texas for several years)

Before deivant thought #6 cropped up, a booming announcement came over the PA stating something to the effect that jokes or inappropriate comments at the airport would result in fines and imprisonment, and prison in Texas means a trip to see ole sparky.

Daaaaaaaamn, I am glad my funky cold medula was on point that day.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Chocolate Rain

This video is blowing up for some reason...

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

After 2+ weeks of radio, er, blog silence, topic15 makes a late night return, coming off a two week honeymoon excursion to Mexico and let me tell you, it was a doozy.

I had the best fajitas, and the worst tostadas.

I drank all sorts of tequilla, good, bad and the ugly, a shot from a large jar containing a rattlesnake, which I am told is good to curb arthritis. Also good to clean brake dust off rotors, polish brass and do another half dozen other random things.



My wife and I went to Chichen Itza, one of the new 7 wonders of the world and shopped at a Mexican costco.


I got a hella sick tan so that I now look like I might actually be 1/4 lebanese, or as peter griffen would say, my skin is kinda dark so I look like a mexican or perhaps some kind of italian.



We walked by Sammy H's Cabo Wabo Cantina and have a whole new appreciation for storm drains, thanks to the thick funk of excrement from the previous night's patrons having nowhere to go except evaporate in the hot mexican sun.

We met some interesting people who told us a little too much information for having just met, such as how they ravaged a bathroom with vomit on a pirate ship used in "hook" during a romantic sunset cruise.

We learned that Pulpo means octopus and that the broadcast networks of eastern mexico really like eddie murphy and scooby doo movies.

Driving in mexico is pretty much like that 80s arcade game Outrun, except with hoopties instead of nice lambo's.

Cultural differences make appearances from time to time. One such exception comes in the a new form of animal cruelty, not unlike the bullfights, cockfights or dog fights from the past. I managed to sneak a quick video, and while I do not condone such action I think it is important to know what really goes on, after hours, in certain parts of town...



Monday, July 09, 2007

Like padlocking a dog turd...

“Transformers” was shipped to theaters on seven reels in two separate cases under the name "Cobra."

Several of the reels were shipped in cans that had a timelock on it. Motion picture presentation specialists could build up the trailers and the first three reels, but had to wait until a certain date and time before they could open the second can and build up the rest of the print. This would prevent any pre-release screenings that could end up being captured by another device (like a camcorder).

Film reels four through seven were locked with a master-lock combination four-digit lock. The combination to this lock is director Michael Bay's birthday, 0217 or Febuary 17th.

Ok, ok, the padlocking a turd was a bit harsh. The movie was not all that bad. Overall, it was what one would expect, generically, from a summer movie. Cool cars, good looking people, explosions and a camaro peeing on a government agent.

Ooops. I probably should have called spoiler on that last one.

I liked a lot about the movie. For instance, Bernie Mac's onsite petting zoo at Bobby Bolivia's used car lot.

Or watching the fatman play DDR then run through a sliding glass door while trying to escape the man.

Or maybe the loose cannon cop who grills little whitwicky when the cop flashes his gun "what's up 50 cent, you eyeballin my piece? What you gonna do about it?"

All of this equity was squandered in one fell swoop when they gave megatron teeth. WTF Michael Bay? First you give Optimus Prime lips (gross). And now this? You better have some good explanation for this in the sequel.

Perhaps, as a young robot, Megatron was gyped by the cybertronian tooth fairy. Or maybe had a bad experience with the dentist. All shaping young 'tron to become the villian he grew up to be.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

You got the touch!

Da' Source

For those who want the hydrating image, but not the effect, I present Smirnoff's latest concoction, Smirnoff Source, which is basically alcoholic spring water.

From the mouths of wiki...

The newest product from Smirnoff is Smirnoff Source, an ultra-premium beer-alternative created with alcohol and spring water released in May of 2007. It is citrus flavored and lightly carbonated with 3.5% ABV. It comes in pint bottles (20oz) only. Despite the lower-alcohol content, one 20oz bottle of Smirnoff Source contains more alcohol than a 12oz bottle of many popular American beers.

You have got serious problems if you need a lil kicker in your spring water.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Ah, it's the litte things that count...

I have been bothered by something for quite sometime.

There is a line in the movie Friday where Craig's dad is lecturing him about always being up in the fridge, eating all the food. During his diatribe, he mentions "I like hog's maw, I like pig's feet" and my ignorance of the former has always served as a matter of iritation considering my running status of the "go-to" source for useless information, especially that which is urban in nature.

All that ended last night, while thumbing through Just Curious, Jeeves, a book devoted to information as random as it is useless. While reading an excerpt about chitterlings (or as most would know them, chitlins) I noticed to following answer to my prayers:

Fried chitlins are first boiled with spices, then fried. Often, they are made with the maw (stomach) cooked at the same time as part of the same dish.

There you go. Craig's dad likes pig stomach with his pig intestines.

I found a few combinitations of things that I like this weekend as well.

For starters, I am just going to come right out and say it, the black 8 is delicious. Maybe it had something to do with the equally as tasty Sake bomb beforehand, but it was a delight to consume.

What's a black 8?

Lest, ye forget, it is a 40 ounce bottle of OE, drained down to the top of the label, then topped off with a guiness extra stout. Think of it as a frankenstien black and tan. You need to go get one. Now.


What is a sake bomb?

Like an irish car bomb, it is a shot (Sake) dropped into a glass of beer (Sapporo). There is a technique to doing involving chop sticks, banging on the counter and yelling banzai, but due to my lack of engineering skills and sloppy stick placement, we didn't get past the first step before slamming that unnatural disaster down. It wasn't half bad. Like a PBR with a little kicker.


In totally unrelated news, I think I am now hooked on a new show, survivorman (thanks Rob). I mean who wouldn't want to watch some yahoo start a fire using leftover gas and a battery from a crashed plane? I hear he even makes candles out of doritos. I wish I would have known, cause I would have burned that whole X-14C display like the 4th of july.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Caveat Emptor

Over my travels this weekend, I came across this ominous display for Doritos newest
experimental product, X-13D, a so called flavor experiment positioned under being an american classic.




How can I say no to a proposition like that? Christ, everyone knows I am a researcher, I love experiments and snack food. Triple threat!

So I jumped on the X-13D train for $.99.

At first taste, I swore they were pickle flavored chips, but then the tasted evolved into something I have not tasted on a regular basis since 6th grade, could it be? could it be a fast food hamburger (I switched to a diet based on poultry and seafood at that time, I will explain that some other time).

It has been a long time, so I decided I better double check.

After rotating bag to peep the ingredients, I noticed among the spices, BEEF was listed.

Aw man, what a dick move doritos! That is just low rent!

Why are you punking out non-beef eaters like that?

Did you hire Ashton K, as your new marketing VP? Cause if you did, you should reconsider.

What is next, a mystery flavor based on peanuts? What? You are deathly allergic to peanuts?

Oh, sorry about that.

Your bad.

You really should have known by the name of our new flavor, we promise it doesn't contain peanuts...Fingers crossed on the back of the bag so it doesn't count!

So in short, makers of doritos, sit on it.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

So the wedding registry is all tapped out...

Anyone know where I can register for a Narwhal?

Kind of like a turd with a tooth pick sticking out of its head, this under appreciated freak of nature would make a nice addition to my parent's pool.












Monday, June 18, 2007

S-Wii-T

Ha Ha Yeahhhhhhh!

We put the Wii in weekend thanks to a nice little bundle of joy which arrived from Nintendo last Friday. I have to say I am impressed with Nintendo's innovation with the Wii (and due to the scarce supplies, obviously I am not the only one).

The selling points of the machine are two-fold. First, its virtual console gives you access to old school gems like Zelda, punch-out and lesser known games like Lode-runner. Building on this retro movement, you can pimp you Wii with this swank skin.

Second, is the simple pleasures of the newer games, such as WarioWare smooth moves, which is largely designed for people who get bored with a game after 15 seconds. Thus, WarioWares is a collection of games that each last about 10 seconds each. Not sold yet? Well in one of the mini-games, you get to poke homeless people with a stick to shoo them away. Ok maybe they are not identified as people or necessarily homeless, but they could be.

Eitherway you cut it, the $250 is the shiznit and will tide me over until either Microsoft or Sony breaks and brings their console price down to less than a car payment.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Easy come, easy go

Well if youtube insists on original content, here goes...


Friday, June 15, 2007

Cole me on tha panny sty!

Well Pootie, it was a good run to ~40,000 views but Sine your Bitty on the Runny Kine is no more....


Dear Member:
This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a third-party notification by Paramount Pictures Corporation claiming that this material is infringing:

Sine your Bitty on the Runny Kine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C03Dmg2d2kc

Please Note: Repeat incidents of copyright infringement will result in the deletion of your account and all videos uploaded to that account. In order to avoid future strikes against your account, please delete any videos to which you do not own the rights, and refrain from uploading additional videos that infringe on the copyrights of others.

For more information about YouTube's copyright policy, please read the Copyright Tips guide.
If you elect to send us a counter notice, please go to our Help Center to access the instructions.
Please note that under Section 512(f) of the Copyright Act, any person who knowingly materially misrepresents that material or activity was removed or disabled by mistake or misidentification may be subject to liability.

Sincerely,YouTube, Inc.


Sa-Da-TAY!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Oh so you got jokes now?

Anyone watch last comic standing last night?

Anyone racking their brains for the punchlines for the mobile phone text message jokes which could be purchased for the mere cost of $1 a piece?

Well rack no more and prepare for 3 of the worst jokes you will ever hear.

Joke #1
How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A Bucaneer (a buck an ear)


Joke #2
What did the tortilla say when it got to the end of the tight rope?

Tos-TADA!


Joke #3
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

An orange parrot.

No just kidding.

A carrot.


Congrats. You now have a comedic set good enough to make a room full of retards laugh.

Really, the only redeeming value of those jokes is that you now have a really solid chance of winning a contest of who's got the worst joke?

Speaking of which, what is a cat's favorite color?

Purrrrrrrple!

Is bazooka joe hiring? Cause I am on fiiiiiiyyyaaaa!

Pass the cough syrup.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Gimme my steps cookie

Yeah so I bought a pedometer at target last weekend to see how many steps I take in a typical day (not including the gym). The target is 10,000. I've been coming up short. Like Gary Coleman short, ranging to 4,000 to 5,000 steps. Time to install a hampster wheel in the office.

Speaking of the office, it is being over run by ants which is gross and inexplicable. The only food stuffs on my desk is a bottle of Chipolte Tabasco sauce, which is some folk remedy cure for keeping ants away. I guess that came up short too.

Now let's talk about coming up really short. If you have even walked by a TV in the DC area the past few days, you have almost surely seen a blurb about that news story where that crazy lady drove her car through a festival of people, mowing down 40 or so in the process. When the crowd was finally able to stop her, they found her with a crack pipe in her mouth. Know what that lady does when she is not smoking crack and running over pedestrians? Admin for Marion "that's not me smoking crack on that tape" Barry.

NUTZ!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Hip-hop didn't die, it just moved to Germany

SF highlights

Ok, two little gems from my SF trip thus far...

Story 1 -- Holding it down, BevMo style

While in town, me and MC hit up one of my favorite local establishments, BevMo, in a continued yet unfruitful search for barbara. No luck on the swiss beer, but I did manage to find me a bottle of sam adams triple bock. While not quite as bad boy as its big brother Utopias, triple bock is a rare find. And gross. Tastes like raisin, Dr. Pepper, and Henny. Bleh. Still chaulk one more up to the Sam Adams adventure.

Probably more entertaining was the fact that Suge Knight was working the check-out counter. I asked him if he carried "Death and taxes" but he just laughed and said, where you from boy? I ain't never heard of nothing like that. I felt my bevmo cred failing, then threw the triple bock on the counter and asked if they carried Utopias. I looked at me like I was out of my mind, but before he could question, his co-worker chimed in saying, OH SNAP! That Utopias is SICK! It comes in a copper bottle, runs a cool $150 a bottle and tastes like yak. As my bevmo cred began to recover, I sealed the deal with my final comment, "Yeah, it's pretty rare, like an albino midget." Suge replied, "Oh yeah, you NEVER see those around too often."


Story 2 -- The Pink Whistle

So as a sort of deviant social experiment, my friend MC, keeps a pink whistle in his glove compartment of his car. And as he drives around he will randomly blow the whistle and point at people they yell "who do you think you are?" Just to see how they react. He once caught a couple making out, then blew the whistle and they ran in a panic.

That is good stuff.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Cornhole, Chianti, and Pirates OH MY!

Alright, I was really hoping to weave all of my favorite highlights together in a Ken Jennings Mental floss kind of way.

I made a few degrees of connections and then fell short of including all of the relevant stories.


I guess that's why he's the mack daddy of jeopardy and I am not, but here goes...



Like all good blog posts, it starts and ends with pirates. Fripp Island was founded by one John "coconut monkey head" Fripp to keep spanish pirates at bay.

->

While on the island for the wedding last week, I saw an old pirate lady attempt to hold up one of the attendees, JB, proclaiming "Give me your billfold" as she jabbed him with her plastic sword.

->

On another day, after a few hot rounds on the beer pong table, the very same JB, infused with swagger and braggadocio, decided to play the next round with a thug jug of chianti. Cue up the bad ideas jeans commercial. The resulting antics can only be described as a restaurant quality shit show. Headbutting shutters and obscene sandwhich artistry followed and led to the decision to wheel JB away on a golf cart, at which time he thought he was being taken off to sleep with the fishes sopranos style.

->

Speaking of golf carts & JB, while shuttling us back from the bar, SC claimed he could run faster than the cart. Turns out he was wrong. We pulled ahead of him quickly as he started to scream that the road was too rocky for his bare feet. We kept on going just because we could. It was all very forrest gump like.

->

Part of forrest gump was filmed on fripp island. Tom Hanks starred in Forrest Gump. Tom Hanks is an A-hole.

->

A-hole is just 2 letters from C-hole, and I played my first game of cornhole this weekend. Described as a cross between horseshoes and sodomy, this game is sweeping the nation, thanks in part to things like the LED cornhole ramps which allow you to play at night. The lights aid in the ability to see at night.

->

Pirates often wore eyepatches, not because they were one eyed-freaks, but to allow for better visual acuity when transistion from the sun lit deck, to the darkend bowels of their ships.

Pirate to pirate.

Argggggh!

Monday, May 28, 2007

Da Bears

Greetings from Chicago O'hare airport, where I sit on a layover en route to San Francisco.

I just departed Fripp Island SC, where me and melady attending a friend's wedding. But this was no ordinary wedding. This was a week long extravaganza which will require a proper post, just as soon as I can get my head around some of the more definitive events of the week.

Until I can do that, I will share some useful information (which was shared with me). If you happen to be in Philly and are looking for a deal on beer, head on over to the drinker's tavern. As the name implies, that place is all about business.

Example #1. They sell 40s at the bar. Yes 40s.

Exampled #2. They sell cans of PBR for $2 a pop, but will cut that price in half if you shot-gun that blue ribboned goddess.

What are you still doing reading this? Get in the car and meet me in Philly. STAT!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Ain't that a pickle

I am just going to say it, pickles are delicious.

For some reason that sounds disturbing, but that's the way it is.

Yesterday for lunch, I spied fried pickles on the menu.

As I attended school in the south where they fry everything but babies, I am no stranger to fried pickles. My friend DB however, is fried pickle niave. So I suggested we order some. I did not intend for him to order them as his main course, but he did.

The waitress gave him the stink eye based on hearing his order and with good reason. After reducing the five pound pile down to roughly three and a half, DB looked like he had been punched in the bread basket by Tank Abbott.

How far would you go for the love of a pickle?

That's pretty far, but here is the ultimate test. Afterwards we stopped by a snowball stand with more flavors you can shake a stick at. Way down low on the list of delights such as strawberry creme, mango and lime, was a real shocker.

Dill pickel.

Dill muthafunkin pickle snowballs.

Man, I am having a serious crisis as to whether or not I can leave this city without trying one.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

It's the simple things in life...

Very few readers will remember the game GORILLA.BAS from back in the Non-GUI computer days, but let me tell you this was one of the funnest games around.

It consisted of two gorillas standing on top of buildings throwing bananas at one another. It help teach the relationship between angle and velocity so that a projectile (the banana) would hit the target (opponents gorilla).

This game was out before the dawn of the NES which is like a great grandfather to the video game systems we have today. One can only imagine of what this game would be like if given the next generation treatment.

Well, imagine no more. I found a very similar game which will be coming out for the PS3 and the 360 in the near future. There are a few differences I would like to point out.

(1) The point is no longer to launch your projectile at an opponent, but rather at a fully destructible, interactive environment.

(2) While still in the game as part of the environment, monkeys are no longer the means to launch the projectile, this game will use a giant makeshift rubberband sling shot.

(3) Bananas are no longer the projectile, this game uses people.

(4) This game is called pain.


Fury of Posting

Ok, so I am making up for lost time here (at the prompting of and admonishment by one Brother Rob).

As a follow-up to that whole Mickey's Beer Pong Fiasco, I wish to make two additional points.

First, as the official sponsor of UFC, it should not come at any surprise that subing out Miller Lite for Hand Grenades will almost certainly end with some form of a physical altercation. Remember that Tyson fight where Iron Mike bit off a piece of Evander's ear? Know who sponsored that little event? St. Ides. I know this because I have a commemorative can in my basement that I bought off ebay for $1.75.


Some will say, topic 15, that malt liquor's gonna rot your brain! Possibly, but thanks to Mickeys, I now have a way to strengthen the brain cells which their product doesn't pickle.
Introducing, the Mickey's caps brain teasers...

Under each cap is a unique and fun puzzle which challenges the consumer to figure out a saying or phrase using only pictures. Think of Win Lose or Draw meets Gary Busey.
Unfortunately, Mickeys fails to include the biggest puzzle of them all. Why the hell would anyone drink this crap in the first place? It is pretty much the ass end of the malt liquor spectrum.


Beer Pong, Version T-15

For those of you with more solo cups than sense, welcome to the unnatural disaster of Topic 15's 42 cup invitation beer pong adventure.

Peep that hand grenade in the foreground? Yeah, that's how we roll.

Yep, as if play with near four times the normal cups wasn't nearly good enough, we further deviate from the norms of drinking game society by dancing with the angry mickey's hornet (AKA sickeys).

So how did this event end?

With lots upon lots o' bruises.

Thanks Fridge.

On the road again...

Yes yes yall, it's that time again, heading cross country on another research tour.

I just finished the New York leg and am pleased to report that city is as colorful and crazy as ever.

While walking down Madison avenue, I heard this disturbing comment, "Jimmy's balls smell like my grandma's house." Being the natural scientist that I am, I couldn't help but wonder the direction of that relationship. Do Jimmy's balls smell like metamucil and dried flowers? Or does grandma's house smell like balls? Regardless, I am not inclined to find out. As a second twist to this twisted story, that comment was heard from a dude.

Next stop, Dallas, then SF which means 15 hour days and rides in the rental car. You know what happened last time those two components merged?

Expect another magic verse in a week or so.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Skippy to ban skinny models...

From the mouth's of CNN, Unilever has made the decision to no longer use skinny models. Unilever makes Skippy peanut butter among other things.

This begs two questions, one of possible discrimination practices, and the other, perhaps more compelling, will Chunky follow suit?

Oh snap, there is just something too rich about a chunky Chunky model.

Maybe news of this fueled the business of the Hostess outlet, and they were planning ahead when they added that second cash register.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Hostess with the mostess...

I swear, this post will not do this story justice, but here goes...

In what can only be described as a near to third world experience, last weekend me and melady took a field trip to Ikea.

What's so third world about Ikea? Do they make their Swedish influenced furniture in some developing country? Maybe. I can't say for sure, but what I can say is that a trip to the Hostess Outlet in PG county is about as close as you can get to buying twinkies in Egypt.

A few observations/ questions...

(1) They had two check out lines. Do they ever get that busy that they need to open a second register? Perhaps. The line was at least 3 deep when we were buying our assortment of discount, past their expiration date pies and cupcakes.

(2) Who determines the expiration date of a Yodel? And is that any different than that of a sno-ball or zinger?

(3) Does the cashier get an employee discount? My god, if it where any cheaper, they would pay you to take the stuff.

(4) The family in front of me paid in food stamps. There was also a brand new Hummer on DUBS out front. I was going to lose it if that was their car. It wasn't, but for sure someone in the store was driving that beast. And as we left a pimped caddy rolled in. Who exactly shops at this place anyhow?

(5) For a mere $3 you can buy something like 6 pies. Each pie contains roughly 600 calories. Calorically speaking, that is like 2 days of food which I could knock out after a night of popeyes and 40's. That is dangerous with a capital dangerous!

(6) Someone came in asking if they sold beer. Beer and snack cakes.

(7) You don't even want to know how much wonderbread you can buy for $5.

(8) There was a 4 blade ceiling fan with only 3 blades and they were still running it. I am not sure, but I think that might be a bit of a safety concern. Anyone know if you can suture a gash with a ho-ho?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Fantastic Forward

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...Uphill BOTH ways...

Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can'thelp but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... With a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mail box and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and"asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass!

Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no CartoonNetwork either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.

Do you hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled littlerat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up . We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The king killer

Introducing the number 1 suspect in the demise of one Elvis Presley, the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Oh yeah, as healthy as funneling a bottle of hidden valley ranch, this unnatural disaster will keep cardiologists in business until the metro pushes the orange line out to Dulles airport.

That and it was what I had for dinner monday night.

For dessert I had an angioplasty with a side of stents.

Monday, April 23, 2007

POINTLESS NEWSFLASH

Remember that pootie tang video I threw on YouTube a while back?

30,000 plus views.

Kappa Chow!

I don't think 3,000 people even saw the movie.

Did you know Dave Attel was in it as a villian?

The man's lackey to be exact.

Anyhow, not too much more to report at the moment.

I have tons 'o of visually stimutaling material I want to up load (new shoes on the roo, donkey balls, real man's beer pong, what mickey's is hiding in the hand grenades these days).

Unfortunately, the camera currently houses pictures of the bride to be's dress and it is bad luck to see that before the big day. So all these goodies are held captive for now.

Stay tuned good sights are on their way!

Until then enjoy this picture of this ginormous cat...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Never too soon to start a Christmas Wish List

Item #1 for the 2008 Season...

Visible Frylock Poster

Friday, April 13, 2007

Cry Cry Cry

Man, in case you didn't know. Stay the heck away from windex when cleaning your pimp daddy TV.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

And now you know...

'cause knowing is half the battle.

G-I- Groooooooooooosssss!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Monday, April 02, 2007

Puttin the ewwww in Subaru

I just saw the new design for the 2008 Subaru wrx.

It should be locked in a basement with all of the other three headed love children of the world.

It looks to be some sort of frankenstein hybrid of a Mazda6 wagon and a Chrysler Sebring.

Bleh!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

I want to be a remixer...An evil remixer?

I was bored last weekend so I decided to cut up Dr. Evil's speech and layer over a house track.

This weekend I decided to sync it up to a video to share it with the world.

I give it a B-.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

NEWSFLASH: It can always be worse...

Ok following up on that last post, I thought I might need to spice it up a bit with a nice picture or something.




My google search revealed some interesting information courtesy of Wikipedia.





Apparently, Food Lion is engaged in some reverse voltron antics, where the Lion splits into one of two different entities, depending on the nature of the surrounding market.





As the previous post covered, the swank uptown Food Lions go all Bloom. But what about markets where Food Lion is a bit too fancy?

Ladies and gentlemen....Bottom Dollar Food.

I'm no real estate agent, but all I am saying is when the local Food Lion changes to Bottom Dollar, it's time to move, the rat tails are not far behind.

You can put lipstick on a pig...

but it is still a pig. Or in this case a Food Lion.

In my heart of hearts, I have always been a dirty old man and as such take pride in such domestic activities as drinking bum wines and checking out new supermarkets.

New players on the market circuit are far and few between, so you can only imagine my joy when I caught wind of Bloom. Unfortunately, that wind turned out to be more of a fart, when I discovered this swank new supermarket was nothing more than a re-branded Food Lion.

Who you foolin with that mess? You can't pawn yourself off as a swank new grocery store and then stock your endcap with Steel Reserve 211.

Now don't get me wrong, I luvs me a store that stocks end caps with 40s, but let's not pretend to be something that we aren't. We don't live in opposite world. We needs to keep it real!

Food dawg! That's the budget grocery store that I know and love! Plus all your 18 wheelers tout they drive 65MPH or less!

My college days Friday night ritual involved swinging by Da' Lion to cop me two luke warm 40s of Magnum* and a pack of orange tic-tacs. Total cost $2.89, hands down the most fun you can have for under 3 bucks. And I made sure to let the cashier know that every time.

Anyhow Bloom, let's be clear, we know who you are and where you're from. And if you plan on keeping this farce up, you are hopping on the express train to Milli-vanilli-vile and destined to become the first grocery store to be featured on VH-1's behind the music. It's not too late to turn back.

*Not far enough up the beer chain at that time to rank "cooler" status.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Do you know what that means?

The evil geniuses of Mogen David offer you Sour Green Apple Mad Dog.

Think of it as an effervescent blend of an appletini and kerosene.

I saw the new MD20/20 kid on the block during one of my recent adventures and am kicking myself for:

(a) not taking a picture
(b) not shelling out the $3 for actual evidence
(c) not buying it and drinking it out of a Fendi paper bag
(d) all of the above
(e) yo mamma

I'll choose (B).

Anyhow, this finding raises at least one interesting discussion point. If Mad Dog is continuing to churn out new flavors, one would speculate that somewhere right now, someone is getting paid good american dollars to head up Mad Dog Research and Development. I think I may have found my true calling.

It's like a more deviant version of the job of coming up with names for new colors of Crayola crayons. Hmmmm I wonder if they thought of a crayola flavored mad dog. You know what they say, get them early, get them for life!

Since I failed to grab a bottle, I decided to do a lil net recon and low and behold, Mogen and David (the vinters of tha dawg) do not have an official online presence. Now that IS shady. I am sure that now, even as I type this, that questionnably retarded audience member from last night's american idol (you know the 12 yr old girl who was bawling every time the camera cut to her) is having her very own site made as you read this.

Now, that being stated, MD DOES have a very real UNoffical presence on the web. According to Wikipedia, they once produced wildly exciting flavors such as white lightening and purple rain?

Or if you go to ghettowine.com, you can see where MD is actually made?

Ug, after seeing their facilities, I retract my previous "dream job" statement. That place looks like an OSHA posterchild.

There is no real coherent way to wrap this post up, but after all it is about bum wine, which eliminates coherency at a lethal rate, so it's all good.

Well, That's My Mamma!

Then I'd put him on notice...

This is a funny little bit following Jon Stewart's interview of Sam Sheridan, author of: A Fighter's Heart: One Man's Journey Through the World of Fighting

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

American Crydol

WTF was up with that little girl bawling in the audience of last night's American idol?

Do you think she was special?

Or were the producers playing a cruel joke and kept sending in notes to her like:

Note1: "Your hermit crab has cancer"

Note2: "Just kidding, your hermit crab is fine, but your parents are getting divorced."

Note3: "Your parents are together and not getting divorced. They did, however drive their car off a cliff"

Note4: "Parents survived the wreck, but were eaten by dingos"

Note5: "Michael Jackson is now your legal gaurdian"

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

We finally found our wedding singer...

It will cost you an arm and a leg paul...

Well possibly just a leg.

I heard on the radio today that Heather Mills (former wife of Beatle Paul McCartney) is gonna cash out that shaggy headed knight to the tune of 32 million pounds (that's roughly $50 some odd million dollars).

In the early 90s Heather Mills was run over by a police motorcycle, and they had to amputate her leg. After the settlement, ole stumpy ought to be able to buy the finest wooden leg around with that kind of scratch.

Good timing, too, as she will be featured in this season's Dancing with the stars and will need a sturdy peg. In fact, right now, Bodog is taking bets as to whether or not the faux leg with fall off during the competition. See as the show is broadcast on ABC, not FOX, current odds favor no.

Now before I sign off, let's revist the whole "it will cost you an arm and a leg" phrase. Word on the street is that back in the day, fine art was commissioned by portions of the body. For example, if you wanted a self portrait on the cheap, you would get a painting of yourself from the neck-up. If you wanted more parts painted, costs went up exponentially. The most expensive art was full body art including head, torso, arms and legs. Hence, something very expense would cost you an arm and a leg.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Mind playing tricks on me

Ok this will be 100% entertaining to exactly .006% of Topic 15's loyal readers.

Someone remade the Geto Boys Video using a bunch of props, all Robot Chicken style.

It's hott.

It's been a long time...

Some have been asking, Where art thou, T-15?

Recovering.



It has taken damn near two weeks to be of sound mind and capable of sitting up straight and formulate sentences beyond pointing and grunting.

What happened?

Well, this for starters...


Yes, what better way to celebrate my exodus from bacherlordom than with 80 ounces of stone cold malt beverage strapped to my beaters.

Now, let me splain, I love me some charcoal filtered goodness of OE 800, but like the SOS band, I like to "take my time and do it right."

There is absolutely nothing about taking your time or doing it right with edward 40 hands.

Rather, it is a race against your bladder, to drain dem junx before you have drain your junx. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming edward pp pants.

One a quick aside, what is one to do if one is allergic to gluten, but compelled to play EFH?

In a word, improvise.

In several words, find the equivalent volume of gluten free beer and tape that all up on your arm like so...


But I digress...

Prior to that weekend, me and my squirrel bladder were a bit scared at the prospect of this game, but my participation was inevitable as a moth to a flame.

When it became go time, edward 40 hands was the least of my worries.

You see, the fear of edward 40 hands is usually governed by the fact that once you knock out those 40s you are home free. Not me. The evil genius MC's (masters of ceremonies) saw EFH as an appetizer, an appetizer for destruction, followed by a shot of After-Schlager, Malt Liquor Helmet, Margarita and some Absynthe. The last thing I remember is wearing a pair of earmuffs made of tallboys of Colt 45 and connected to a tube that went right into my mouth.

This is what Gladwell calls a tipping point, as things stop going in and start coming out and all cerebral records crash.

Well all but one registry was purged, Casey's Drafthouse, located in Pittsburgh.


What, pray tell, would cause that one memory to stick amidst the wash of malt-memory eraser?
1 word...manboy.

What is manboy you ask?

Simple.

A midget.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar until someone ponies up $10.


Then the magic happens.

Manboy descends from his tree house, scurries across the bar to grab a bottle of grandpa's cough medicine, and then runs back and forth pouring its contents into the mouths of patrons.

I know what you are thinking, that after the forty hands, I starting speaking in tongues and seeing strange visions (after all Absinthe was in the mix right?), and this whole midget madness is nothing more than an artifact of a really twisted imagination.

We'll this link says otherwise.

As does this picture.

So who is up for a road trip to da 'burg?