It's kinda like a Dyson, for your feet...

Anyone up for some interesting fodder for post-holiday googling?

Try this one ION FOOT CLEANSING.

Guess who gave that a go this Christmas? Your very own topic15.

I highly doubt words can express the experience, but let me try.

This is going to be long, so stick with me. I will try to be as concise as possible, but there is a lot of 'splainin that need be done. Things start getting good around point 4.

Point1
First, my mom is a certifiable health junky. Far beyond diet and exercise, she regularly fasts and takes supplements to help boost immunity and rid one's body of toxins. Somehow she came across this whole ionic floot cleansing racket and thought it sounded interesting.

After a fair amount of research, she decided to invest in the "budget" version of the machines you see when you do the google search. More on that in a bit.

Point2
For some background on Ionic foot cleansing (IFC from this point on), here's what you need to know. Everyday, our bodies collect all sorts of nasty crap from the food we eat and the air we breath. Thankfully, our bodies are pretty darn good at processing that stuff, especially when we are in peak health.

Aside from traditional methods of excretion, the body also releases junk from pores in our skin. Ever eat a monster load of onions and/or garlic and then go for a run the next day and smell like all holy hell? That's the body sweating out the junk.

What part of the body tends to sweat a lot an smell hella bad? Da' feet. Apparently, feet are like the bodies equivalent of the county landfill.

Point3
Remember how I stated, a mere six sentences ago, how our bodies are good for processing junk when we are in peak health? Well, few of us are in peak health, so we could use a little boost. In comes the IFC ma-chines. I don't know the exact science behind it, but the ghetto version is this, the IFC machine polarizes the water with either a positive or a negative charge and then switches. This, in effect, creates some freaky magnetic suction of the crap in your feet, and osmotically draws it out.

Hence, rather than relying on the body to push it out, it helps move things along by pulling. Sort of like a turbo works on a car or that lady who pulls babies out of preggo's.

Point4
My mom buys the machine, tries it out, as does my dad and my sister. They tell me all about it over Christmas eve dinner and ask if I want to try it. Sounds rather innocuous enough, right? Well let me remind you that my mom bought the budget version of the machine ($300 vs the real deal machine that costs $3000).

Here's the set up:
Step 1. Submerse your feet in a tub of hot water
Step 2. Add in Salt
Step 3. Add in stainless steel ion polarization plate
Step 4. Connect stainless steel ion polarization plate to a car battery charger
Step 5. Wait, WTF is step 4? Are you serious? Is this a Lyndie England product?
Step 6. Seriously? You can't be serious!
Step 7. Turn on the car battery charger and say a prayer
Step 8. Try and pretend you are reading a motor trend magazine
Step 9. Watch in amusement to what happens to the water
Step 10. After 15 minutes switch polarity on the stainless steel plate
Step 11. Watch in sheer horror what happens to the water.

I have a picture, but am hesitant to post it, as for the nightmares it will induce. After the 30 minute treatment, I can only describe the water as primordial ooze. It was black, brown and bubbly.

When I researched the meaning of this combination, it indicated a cleansing of the liver and removal of heavy metal toxins. Ironically, the night before, I consumed several 40's of Schlitz and I think I ate the cap. Consider me a believer.

PS... As a natural scientist, my mom tried a control group (ie running the IFC machine with no feet in the tub) to see what would happen to the water. It changed color slightly, but no where near what happened with any of our feet. Furthermore, my mom, my dad, my sister and me all saw different results in coloration.

PSS...My feet are still tingling.

Merry Christmas!

One should be so lucky as to find this under their tree...



Courtesy of Smell my face Belt Buckle Rob, your very own Schlitz Blue Bull Malt Beverage candlestick phone.

Ghetto Classic. Ghlassic.

Interested in one fo yo'self?

Check here.

POW! Right in the eye

A little fun Tuesday math problem....

[(Topic15 - Eyeglass)+ Paintball] / Capitol Offense Paintball Krew =

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POW! Right in the eye!

Happy Holidays you hooligans

My latest work...

World's tallest man saves dolphin

I write good things from time to time, but no F'in way can I compete with this latest news blurb from the beeb.


The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.

Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.

Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.

Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world's tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).


Recovering
Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.


The mammals had lost their appetite and were suffering depression, aquarium officials said.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten.

He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said Mr Bao was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Local doctor Zhu Xiaoling told the state media agency Xinhua: "Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs.

"However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."

Mr Bao was confirmed as the world's tallest living man by Guinness World Records last year.

He overtook the previous holder, Radhouane Charbib of Tunisia, by just 2mm.

Guinness World Records say Mr Bao was of normal height until 16 but then put on a spurt that doctors were unable to explain, reaching his full height in seven years.

Since the Green Machine is off the table...

I guess I could always ask santa for this...




It combines my love of the Price is Right, Fate, and Libations.

It's almost Ring of Fire for Dummies.

The Mean Green Machine...

Big ups to huffy for bringing back the pimpest big wheel of all times...


The almighty green machine.

Yes indeedy, I most definitely rocked one of those back in the day. Lowridin' on a big wheel doing donuts and everything.

Now if only they made one of those for adults. I know what I'd be asking Santa for.

Until I get the kinks worked out of the time machine...

BTW whatever happened to Bonkers?

That's one hell of a burrito

On my quest to unearth new and exciting ways to prepare tasty burritos, I decided to combine three of my favorite things and wrap them in a flour tortilla shell.

Here's what I did...

Step 1: Prepare a batch of Honey Chipolte Baked Beans. Aw man, these things are wicked good, but take a few hours to make.

Step 2: Prepare a batch of grilled chili-lime chicken tenders. Again, factor in the proper time to marinate and this takes several hours.

Step 3: Open a can of PBR and split evenly between steps 1, 2, and me.

Once everything is cooked, use freshly shredded sharp cheddar, sour cream and Frank's red hot and wrap it up!

I considered then grill the actual burrito, but at that point it was close to 9:30 PM and I really just wanted to eat.

Anyhow it was pretty good.

Was it worth 8+ hours of prep?

eh.

They sure don't make commercials like they used to...

Donuts... 3rd world style