Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It's kinda like a Dyson, for your feet...

Anyone up for some interesting fodder for post-holiday googling?


Guess who gave that a go this Christmas? Your very own topic15.

I highly doubt words can express the experience, but let me try.

This is going to be long, so stick with me. I will try to be as concise as possible, but there is a lot of 'splainin that need be done. Things start getting good around point 4.

First, my mom is a certifiable health junky. Far beyond diet and exercise, she regularly fasts and takes supplements to help boost immunity and rid one's body of toxins. Somehow she came across this whole ionic floot cleansing racket and thought it sounded interesting.

After a fair amount of research, she decided to invest in the "budget" version of the machines you see when you do the google search. More on that in a bit.

For some background on Ionic foot cleansing (IFC from this point on), here's what you need to know. Everyday, our bodies collect all sorts of nasty crap from the food we eat and the air we breath. Thankfully, our bodies are pretty darn good at processing that stuff, especially when we are in peak health.

Aside from traditional methods of excretion, the body also releases junk from pores in our skin. Ever eat a monster load of onions and/or garlic and then go for a run the next day and smell like all holy hell? That's the body sweating out the junk.

What part of the body tends to sweat a lot an smell hella bad? Da' feet. Apparently, feet are like the bodies equivalent of the county landfill.

Remember how I stated, a mere six sentences ago, how our bodies are good for processing junk when we are in peak health? Well, few of us are in peak health, so we could use a little boost. In comes the IFC ma-chines. I don't know the exact science behind it, but the ghetto version is this, the IFC machine polarizes the water with either a positive or a negative charge and then switches. This, in effect, creates some freaky magnetic suction of the crap in your feet, and osmotically draws it out.

Hence, rather than relying on the body to push it out, it helps move things along by pulling. Sort of like a turbo works on a car or that lady who pulls babies out of preggo's.

My mom buys the machine, tries it out, as does my dad and my sister. They tell me all about it over Christmas eve dinner and ask if I want to try it. Sounds rather innocuous enough, right? Well let me remind you that my mom bought the budget version of the machine ($300 vs the real deal machine that costs $3000).

Here's the set up:
Step 1. Submerse your feet in a tub of hot water
Step 2. Add in Salt
Step 3. Add in stainless steel ion polarization plate
Step 4. Connect stainless steel ion polarization plate to a car battery charger
Step 5. Wait, WTF is step 4? Are you serious? Is this a Lyndie England product?
Step 6. Seriously? You can't be serious!
Step 7. Turn on the car battery charger and say a prayer
Step 8. Try and pretend you are reading a motor trend magazine
Step 9. Watch in amusement to what happens to the water
Step 10. After 15 minutes switch polarity on the stainless steel plate
Step 11. Watch in sheer horror what happens to the water.

I have a picture, but am hesitant to post it, as for the nightmares it will induce. After the 30 minute treatment, I can only describe the water as primordial ooze. It was black, brown and bubbly.

When I researched the meaning of this combination, it indicated a cleansing of the liver and removal of heavy metal toxins. Ironically, the night before, I consumed several 40's of Schlitz and I think I ate the cap. Consider me a believer.

PS... As a natural scientist, my mom tried a control group (ie running the IFC machine with no feet in the tub) to see what would happen to the water. It changed color slightly, but no where near what happened with any of our feet. Furthermore, my mom, my dad, my sister and me all saw different results in coloration.

PSS...My feet are still tingling.


the Nabob said...

I'm in.

I've wanted to try this for a while but never knew anyone who had one. I'll even bring my own car battery and nipple clamps.

the g said...

seriously, we're coming over.