Monday, July 25, 2005

Party FAQ

Party FAQ

When is the party getting started? (alternate version…when should I show up?)

In theory, the party kicks off at 2 PM. Philosophically, it begins as soon as you arrive. In actuality, most people tend to arrive around 3ish. Notice, however, that I said “most” people. The party, much like society in general, has a contingency who deviate wildly from the norm. It is not unheard of for folks to arrive a full 24 hours in advance to stake their claim at the crab table. Ok that’s a lie. They are usually those who come in from out of town. Furthermore, I often hear of people requesting to start the party Thursday night (just like the good ole college days). Conversely, there are latecomers. While most arrive around 3, a few will continue to trickle in until the wee hours of the morning. These are generally hippies, miscreants and local vagabonds. To put things in perspective, I think I arrived at 2:30 for the last two parties. Plan accordingly. The more you like crabs, the earlier you oughta plan on arriving.

Will there be a keg?

To keg or not to keg, that is the question.

Let's review historical events, shall we?

2000 party -- 1 keg MGD -- finished in two hours
2001 party -- 2 kegs Yeung Ling, didn't even finish 1 keg (second keg finished a few months later despite slight hint of tangerine skunkiness—we told people it was a microbrew)
2002 party -- 1 keg miller lite --finished in one hour
2003 party -- actually, I don’t remember
2004 party -- 1 keg miller lite –Not even close to finished (thanks spooky chocolate)

It would appear that 2005 is slated to be a "finisher" year, but I have my doubts. I may hedge my bets and stick with cases (of both 40s and cans).

In fact, I've got the better half of a case of OE in my fridge right now. I will augment that with 2 of every kind of 40 I can find between now and then. I will also hit up Costco for a few cases of swill brew. People tend to show up with beer as well. I often receive 40s as tribute and individual or two have been known to come packing coolers full of PBR.

One quick word on drinking. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Yeah, I know that is falling on deaf ears, my own included, but if you come out of the gates blazing like Paul Omps did last year (ie finishing a 40 of steel reserve in less than 4 minutes)—or even more foolishly, try to pace him like I did, you probably won’t make it much past sundown. Which means you won’t get to see Fridge’s repeat performance of his 2004 4th of July’s chariots of fire run with Desert Storm Fountain Firework ablaze in hand. Nor will you see the subsequent, yet equally if not more impressive, laser beams from Jen’s eyes as she realizes what her husband is doing. For the less daring, we may also have sparklers, or as Dave Attell calls them, the gay cousin of the fireworks family.

What if I don’t like crabs?

You probably aren’t from Maryland. Fear not, land-luber, as always the party will feature a delightful cornucopia of urban treats of the like that would make Big Pun holla with pride. Translation= for sure there will also be hot wings, cheese doodles, grape soda, and pickles. Yes pickles. According to Dave Chappelle, some people say cucumbers taste better pickled. Huh? What! Yeah! OK! In all probability, there will be other food as well, especially if you bring it.

What if I don’t know anyone else on the evite?

Honestly, I don’t know half the f@ckers on the evite either. It’s no big deal. Really. After all it’s a social event and Beer and Crabs can unite even the staunchest of enemies. Remember the fall of the Berlin wall? Beer and Crabs. Remember those two days David Lee Roth was let back into Van Halen? Beer and Crabs. OJ and Nicole? Definite lack of beer and crabs.

Besides most of these people tend to make friends pretty quick (Unless you are on the receiving end of an errant horseshoe, are run down by the junior mayor (who is known for his uncanny ability to hotwire my dad’s Kubota tractor), or try to play late night tetherball against one James Elliot (who’s smacktalk is unparalleled on this side of the Anacostia)). Aside from that, everyone is just peachy.

Will there be another dick cheney cake featuring foul language?

We can only hope. Maybe I will buy some twinkies and sharpie obscenities on them just for back up.

I hear there is a watermelon scented pool, is that true?

At one-time, the pool was watermelon scented thanks to the great watermelon pool football game debacle of 2003. But thanks to the strainer and copious amounts of chlorine, the pool is once again non-watermelon scented.

Is there a lifeguard on duty?

No. Swim at your own risk. And no diving either, superman. The pool is no more than 4 feet deep, so unless you are Gary Coleman, stick with cannonballs. And while we are on the subject of pool rules, no make pee pee in the pool, okay? Drinking 40s in the pool ala Troy Milliken while doing acrobatics is strongly encouraged. In fact, that is the sole reason I purchased a floating cooler (yes you heard it here first).

What about cameras?

Another subject of great debate. Do we really want to document what goes on after the consumption of alcohol in Gary Busey quantity? You bet your sweet a$$. Please bring your cameras and take lots of pictures & videos (and send them back my way). If we have enough footage, I will try and compile one of my special slideshows to showcase the highlights (and ever increasing popular lowlights).

Is there a dress code?

While not mandated, if you plan on eating crabs, you may want to bring a crab eating shirt or perhaps a poncho. It’s always a great idea to have a poncho. Costumes are acceptable as well. Extra points for cowboy hats and airbrushed shirts.

Are there sleeping accommodations?

Good news, there have been several vacancies in shanty-town, so if you are so inclined, bring your tents for some camping. I plan on going to sears in search of a hot water heater box for my very own shanty-town condo. For all you indoor divas, we have the finest hardwood floors available (bring the aerobed), along with an assortment of couches and a bed or two. Folks are welcomed and encouraged to stay as you are able to party like a Viking and attend the morning after trip to bob evans.

Do it, do it.

See you bustas Saturday.

PS I will post this mess on my blog.

Why? Because I can.

Also, I get asked these same four or five questions every year, and it will save me the trouble of retyping in the future.


The Governess said...

i'm actually wearing airbrush.

the Nabob said...

no you're not

The Governess said...

wanna bet?