Yesterday we had to say goodbye to a good friend who left the company I work for. Upon his departure, he sent a goodbye letter out via email
I found the original draft the goodbye letter, which is slightly different than what was sent.
Quite the colorful writer if I do say so myself,
----------------------------
Final version that was sent
Hey Everyone,
It's Departure-Day! I'm leaving the company, Reston and soon even the Great Commonwealth of Virginia to pursue other dreams.
My exit interview paperwork asks "What did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no-brainer. You guys have been the best thing about working here. I can honestly and genuinely say I like every one in this office personally and that I think is rare.
My email is [removed] -- use it, keep in touch and let me know how life treats ya.
Best of luck to all of you!
John
---------------------------------------------
Original Draft
Hey losers!
I'm getting the F#$K out of here. Thanks to your shennanigans and computer savviness of a retarded monkey, not only am I leaving the company, I am leaving the entire f'ing state of Virginia. I know some of you are slow, so let me spell it out for you...I am getting as far away from the daily nightmare saturated with your dumbasses as possible (in case that my superior intellect is further tainted my your ass-hattery antics).
My exit interview paperwork asks "what did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no brainer. Hands down the best thing about working here is taking this exit interview and wiping my ass with it after taking an "upper-decker" in the fourth floor bathroom. I could deliver that answer in poo slathered writing, but unlike most of you savages, I am a gentlemen, so I won't. I also refilled the yellow ink cartridges with hobo urine.
You guys have been the best thing about working here. I mean, who can say that they have worked with an entire cast of missing links? I can honestly and genuinely say I like imagining the inevitable deaths of every one in this office such as eating cactus, walking into open elevator shafts, and staring at the sun with a telescope only to blindly wandering into small aircraft propellers.
My new email address is I_am_your_financial_daddy@eatshitanddie.com . Feel free and send me emails that will be routed straight into my junk mail folder. Your requests for where to find the CYAN printer cartridges will be in good company of wang enlargement supplements and black market prescription medications.
Best of luck with that new "coffee"
--John
Friday, February 23, 2007
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Hi Blog and loyal blog readers. Sorry for the wicked long gap in posting. I've been on a bit of an adventure, in a lord of the rings sort of way, except for battling ogres and throwing a ring into lava, I have been battling A-hole delta employees and throwing my liver into hot liquid magma.
Let me 'splain.
I was in Rome all last week, fighting lions and eating pizza (read as overseeing market research and eating pizza). I laughed and laughed at the terrible weather youz guyz faced one week ago as I donned shorts only to blind people with my pale white legs at the Colloseum.
At that point, I must have offended some sort of ancient god of melanin, cause me luck took a run for Sicily at that point.
Example #1: While inflight from Rome to JFK, I noticed that my reading light had a pack of peanuts taped over it as it was turning off and on, on its own. "Oh that's cute" I thought and then remembered hearing some Ghetto version of a delta airline commercial that circulated via the Netz a few years back.
Then the electric anomaly extended to the stewardess call button and the entire flight was treated to incessant, arhytmic DING DING...DING.........DING...DING DING DING...DINGing for damn near 9 straight hours. It got so bad that I saw the priest in front of my grab his crucifix. I could not tell if he was praying for forgiveness for wanting to stab me with his crucifix or just praying to the sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus to take us down. I have never seen so many dirty looks in my life, and let me tell you, I am no stranger to dirty looks (such as the time I called Mr. White Chocolate a "smelly pirate hooker" at a denny's in Hoboken)*
So we finally touchdown in JFK and I scramble to catch my connecting flight. No one likes missing flights, but this one was especially important, cause I was meeting a friend in Richmond to drive me to the outerbanks for my bachelor party. As I arrived to my gate, I noticed that my flight was postponed by 2 hours. As boarding time approached, I checked the board again only to discover that the flight had been cancelled. Rat farts.
So I wait in line to see what my options are. After waiting a hour in line, I told the Delta agent to work her magic and get me the F out of there to DC, Richmond, Norfolk, Newport News, anywhere closer to OBX. She gave me a sassy HMMMPPPH and typed away.
DeltaDouche:"Good news! we can get you to Richmond...on monday...maybe."
Irate T15:"Wait, you do realize that it is Friday F'iing night right?"
DD "Yes."
Doubly Irate T15: "So what do I do in this situation?"
DD: "I don't know."
Triply Irate T15: "Where is that priest and his crucifix shank, cause T15 is about to cut a bitch." "Just give me my bag so I can get my Amtrak salvation on"
DD: "I can't. It is going to Richmond."
T15: "I hope your child grows up to be the next Britney Spears." "So how am I supposed to get it?"
DD: "Pick it up at the airport."
T15: "And how am I supposed to get to the airport."
DD: "Stumped beyond all possible levels of stumpedness...I guess they will bring it to you"
T15: "To the outerbanks?"
DD: "I guess"
T15: "Just send it to my home address"
So you would hope that things would be smooth sailing after that fiasco, right? Well I got to Penn Station in NY at 8PM and asked for the 1st train to DC.
Ticket agent sez: "3:00 am and it is selling out fast"
T15: "All holy hell? are you kidding?"
Ticket agent sez: "Next train after that is 6:45am"
Broken, I buy the ticket, then call everyone I know to tell them the personal hell I am facing thanks to the laws of karma and laughing at the snow while in Italy. I guess my recognition of this allowed for my release, as for as soon as that conversation concluded, an old man came over and told me he overheard my plight and said the ticket agent gave him the same story, but after plugging away on the self serve kiosk for several minutes was able to get on the 9PM train.
A few tries later, I was on the 10PM train, on my way back to DC to catch a ride in the morning to the OBX, where two 40 ounce vessels of malt beverages and a roll of duct taped awaited.
To be continued....
Let me 'splain.
I was in Rome all last week, fighting lions and eating pizza (read as overseeing market research and eating pizza). I laughed and laughed at the terrible weather youz guyz faced one week ago as I donned shorts only to blind people with my pale white legs at the Colloseum.
At that point, I must have offended some sort of ancient god of melanin, cause me luck took a run for Sicily at that point.
Example #1: While inflight from Rome to JFK, I noticed that my reading light had a pack of peanuts taped over it as it was turning off and on, on its own. "Oh that's cute" I thought and then remembered hearing some Ghetto version of a delta airline commercial that circulated via the Netz a few years back.
Then the electric anomaly extended to the stewardess call button and the entire flight was treated to incessant, arhytmic DING DING...DING.........DING...DING DING DING...DINGing for damn near 9 straight hours. It got so bad that I saw the priest in front of my grab his crucifix. I could not tell if he was praying for forgiveness for wanting to stab me with his crucifix or just praying to the sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus to take us down. I have never seen so many dirty looks in my life, and let me tell you, I am no stranger to dirty looks (such as the time I called Mr. White Chocolate a "smelly pirate hooker" at a denny's in Hoboken)*
So we finally touchdown in JFK and I scramble to catch my connecting flight. No one likes missing flights, but this one was especially important, cause I was meeting a friend in Richmond to drive me to the outerbanks for my bachelor party. As I arrived to my gate, I noticed that my flight was postponed by 2 hours. As boarding time approached, I checked the board again only to discover that the flight had been cancelled. Rat farts.
So I wait in line to see what my options are. After waiting a hour in line, I told the Delta agent to work her magic and get me the F out of there to DC, Richmond, Norfolk, Newport News, anywhere closer to OBX. She gave me a sassy HMMMPPPH and typed away.
DeltaDouche:"Good news! we can get you to Richmond...on monday...maybe."
Irate T15:"Wait, you do realize that it is Friday F'iing night right?"
DD "Yes."
Doubly Irate T15: "So what do I do in this situation?"
DD: "I don't know."
Triply Irate T15: "Where is that priest and his crucifix shank, cause T15 is about to cut a bitch." "Just give me my bag so I can get my Amtrak salvation on"
DD: "I can't. It is going to Richmond."
T15: "I hope your child grows up to be the next Britney Spears." "So how am I supposed to get it?"
DD: "Pick it up at the airport."
T15: "And how am I supposed to get to the airport."
DD: "Stumped beyond all possible levels of stumpedness...I guess they will bring it to you"
T15: "To the outerbanks?"
DD: "I guess"
T15: "Just send it to my home address"
So you would hope that things would be smooth sailing after that fiasco, right? Well I got to Penn Station in NY at 8PM and asked for the 1st train to DC.
Ticket agent sez: "3:00 am and it is selling out fast"
T15: "All holy hell? are you kidding?"
Ticket agent sez: "Next train after that is 6:45am"
Broken, I buy the ticket, then call everyone I know to tell them the personal hell I am facing thanks to the laws of karma and laughing at the snow while in Italy. I guess my recognition of this allowed for my release, as for as soon as that conversation concluded, an old man came over and told me he overheard my plight and said the ticket agent gave him the same story, but after plugging away on the self serve kiosk for several minutes was able to get on the 9PM train.
A few tries later, I was on the 10PM train, on my way back to DC to catch a ride in the morning to the OBX, where two 40 ounce vessels of malt beverages and a roll of duct taped awaited.
To be continued....
Friday, February 09, 2007
Lost, we have to talk...
I know we have just come off from spending time apart, but I really think it is time that we go our separate ways.
Now, now, don't go getting all upset, really it is for the best. After all, things have been going downhill for quite sometime, and I am struggling to deal with some of your habits. You're a great show really. It's all about me and my lack of patience and demanding personality and it is not fair to expect you to change just to fit my needs.
It has become quite evident that your free spirited nature (read as: aimlessness and in ability to commit) does not fit with my need for stability or purpose (read as: time to answer some damn questions...like where the hell is that radio transmission coming from? or Why is there a cable going into the ocean? Or who was the freak with the eyepatch?).
We will always have the good times, like the first time you forced a new character into the line-up, only to blow him up during sweeps week. As Hurley said, "Dude, you got a little Artzed on you." And who could forget the Dharma branded sharks among all of the other fun easter eggs you used to provide. Ah those were good times.
I am sure we can still be "friends" but I think the healthy decision to make is to see other shows. To be totally honest, I have been courted by Heroes and that show where Anthony Bourdain travels around the world to make fun of people and eat gross food.
So, goodbye for now.
KIT
Topic 15
Now, now, don't go getting all upset, really it is for the best. After all, things have been going downhill for quite sometime, and I am struggling to deal with some of your habits. You're a great show really. It's all about me and my lack of patience and demanding personality and it is not fair to expect you to change just to fit my needs.
It has become quite evident that your free spirited nature (read as: aimlessness and in ability to commit) does not fit with my need for stability or purpose (read as: time to answer some damn questions...like where the hell is that radio transmission coming from? or Why is there a cable going into the ocean? Or who was the freak with the eyepatch?).
We will always have the good times, like the first time you forced a new character into the line-up, only to blow him up during sweeps week. As Hurley said, "Dude, you got a little Artzed on you." And who could forget the Dharma branded sharks among all of the other fun easter eggs you used to provide. Ah those were good times.
I am sure we can still be "friends" but I think the healthy decision to make is to see other shows. To be totally honest, I have been courted by Heroes and that show where Anthony Bourdain travels around the world to make fun of people and eat gross food.
So, goodbye for now.
KIT
Topic 15
Monday, February 05, 2007
I left my Clown in San Francisco
Probably for the best, but among the gifts I was planning to bring home for the future Mrs. T15 was a bag of cheese curls with a disturbing clown on the bag. I found it in the ethnic food isle next to the taco supplies in a market out near Berkley.
While out on the west side, I saw several of the typical touristy things and several non-touristy things. For example, after a trip to twin peaks and en route to the golden gate bridge we drove through the Castro district, well known for its welcoming of"alternate" lifestyles. So welcoming in fact there are restaurants called "the Sausage Factory" and "Squat and Gobble."
No further comment necessary, those pretty much speak for themselves.
We had dinner in a much less flambouyant establishment located back in Berkley called T-rex. It was there that I had my dinner, a death and taxes and a "light" beer.
Death and taxes is good if you like dark, smoky stouts.
"Light" Beer is good if you like your PBR cut with Soda water, cause that is exactly what it is, but for 2 bucks I had to try it.
yes my dinner was 2 beers. I did have a side of fries, but that was only due to the fact that they came with Chipolte ketchup and really who in there right mind can say no to that?
While out on the west side, I saw several of the typical touristy things and several non-touristy things. For example, after a trip to twin peaks and en route to the golden gate bridge we drove through the Castro district, well known for its welcoming of"alternate" lifestyles. So welcoming in fact there are restaurants called "the Sausage Factory" and "Squat and Gobble."
No further comment necessary, those pretty much speak for themselves.
We had dinner in a much less flambouyant establishment located back in Berkley called T-rex. It was there that I had my dinner, a death and taxes and a "light" beer.
Death and taxes is good if you like dark, smoky stouts.
"Light" Beer is good if you like your PBR cut with Soda water, cause that is exactly what it is, but for 2 bucks I had to try it.
yes my dinner was 2 beers. I did have a side of fries, but that was only due to the fact that they came with Chipolte ketchup and really who in there right mind can say no to that?
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