Friday, February 23, 2007

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Hi Blog and loyal blog readers. Sorry for the wicked long gap in posting. I've been on a bit of an adventure, in a lord of the rings sort of way, except for battling ogres and throwing a ring into lava, I have been battling A-hole delta employees and throwing my liver into hot liquid magma.

Let me 'splain.

I was in Rome all last week, fighting lions and eating pizza (read as overseeing market research and eating pizza). I laughed and laughed at the terrible weather youz guyz faced one week ago as I donned shorts only to blind people with my pale white legs at the Colloseum.

At that point, I must have offended some sort of ancient god of melanin, cause me luck took a run for Sicily at that point.

Example #1: While inflight from Rome to JFK, I noticed that my reading light had a pack of peanuts taped over it as it was turning off and on, on its own. "Oh that's cute" I thought and then remembered hearing some Ghetto version of a delta airline commercial that circulated via the Netz a few years back.

Then the electric anomaly extended to the stewardess call button and the entire flight was treated to incessant, arhytmic DING DING...DING.........DING...DING DING DING...DINGing for damn near 9 straight hours. It got so bad that I saw the priest in front of my grab his crucifix. I could not tell if he was praying for forgiveness for wanting to stab me with his crucifix or just praying to the sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus to take us down. I have never seen so many dirty looks in my life, and let me tell you, I am no stranger to dirty looks (such as the time I called Mr. White Chocolate a "smelly pirate hooker" at a denny's in Hoboken)*

So we finally touchdown in JFK and I scramble to catch my connecting flight. No one likes missing flights, but this one was especially important, cause I was meeting a friend in Richmond to drive me to the outerbanks for my bachelor party. As I arrived to my gate, I noticed that my flight was postponed by 2 hours. As boarding time approached, I checked the board again only to discover that the flight had been cancelled. Rat farts.

So I wait in line to see what my options are. After waiting a hour in line, I told the Delta agent to work her magic and get me the F out of there to DC, Richmond, Norfolk, Newport News, anywhere closer to OBX. She gave me a sassy HMMMPPPH and typed away.

DeltaDouche:"Good news! we can get you to Richmond...on monday...maybe."

Irate T15:"Wait, you do realize that it is Friday F'iing night right?"

DD "Yes."

Doubly Irate T15: "So what do I do in this situation?"

DD: "I don't know."

Triply Irate T15: "Where is that priest and his crucifix shank, cause T15 is about to cut a bitch." "Just give me my bag so I can get my Amtrak salvation on"

DD: "I can't. It is going to Richmond."

T15: "I hope your child grows up to be the next Britney Spears." "So how am I supposed to get it?"

DD: "Pick it up at the airport."

T15: "And how am I supposed to get to the airport."

DD: "Stumped beyond all possible levels of stumpedness...I guess they will bring it to you"

T15: "To the outerbanks?"

DD: "I guess"

T15: "Just send it to my home address"

So you would hope that things would be smooth sailing after that fiasco, right? Well I got to Penn Station in NY at 8PM and asked for the 1st train to DC.

Ticket agent sez: "3:00 am and it is selling out fast"
T15: "All holy hell? are you kidding?"
Ticket agent sez: "Next train after that is 6:45am"

Broken, I buy the ticket, then call everyone I know to tell them the personal hell I am facing thanks to the laws of karma and laughing at the snow while in Italy. I guess my recognition of this allowed for my release, as for as soon as that conversation concluded, an old man came over and told me he overheard my plight and said the ticket agent gave him the same story, but after plugging away on the self serve kiosk for several minutes was able to get on the 9PM train.

A few tries later, I was on the 10PM train, on my way back to DC to catch a ride in the morning to the OBX, where two 40 ounce vessels of malt beverages and a roll of duct taped awaited.

To be continued....

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