Hmmmmm...

Ever wonder what it would be like if a reese cup, butter finger and Mr. goodbar had a threeway in your mouth?

Well wait no more. Look at what those evil geniuses at Reese's just came up with...

What Would Bas Rutten Do?

BANG BANG BANG

Aw man, if I knew it was gonna be that kind of party, I would have...

Brought a fully loaded baked potato into the mens.

Apparently someone else did...

Yes, another interesting story from this past weekend, stems from Monroe's supper club, the ultra shady bar at the Long Island Holiday inn.

We stopped down for a drink and watched a few songs get butchered while Karaoke wrapped up.

Then the real fun began, LI over 30 singles night.

Yes, we witnessed long thought to be extinct sights such as Denim-cubed (jeans, denim shirt and jean jacket) and an authentic rat tail, on a woman no less.

What kind of bar would you find such things?

The same kind of bar that serves soupy fish for free at the hottest over 30 (and in several cases, waaaaaaaaaaay over 30) party this side of Kazakhstan.

The same kind of bar that features Don Rickles as a bouncer.

And yes, the same kind of bar, where you find half eaten baked potatos in the mens.

Yeah.

Where am I going? And Why am I in this handbasket?

As if there were any lack of compelling evidence of my post-mortum destination, I spent the vast majority of the mass I attended during a wedding coming up with new and improved non-existant drinks to mess the bartenders during the reception.

I then realized, it would be soooooo much easier if I took like 7 or 8 quality words and dumped them into some sort of random compiler to come up with drinks.

I think I would use words like whiplash, mexican, banana, salty, chubby, eskimo, blowhole, and freight train. That's really all you need.

Think of the possibilities...

Barkeep! I'll have a banana whiplash, stat.

Huh?

You know, a cross between a mexican freight train and a salty blowhole.

Whu?

Fine, just make me a chubby eskimo.

Ok Ok...Miller lite.

Or do I want a Headless albino Fireman?

I stand corrected...

Ok ok ok, so sue me, I got the lyrics for the theme of Dukes of Hazzard wrong. In my defense Waylon Jennings needs to work on his enunciation.

The correct title of the previous post should have been Straight'n the curves, Flat'n the hills.

I agree that it makes much more sense, but still like my version for that certain aire of mystery, I mean, anyone can Flat'n a hill, but who the hell can Flap'n a hill?

Straight'n the curves, Flap'n the hills...

Good news!

We found a limo to go with our Nacho Cheese Fountain and PBR!

Oh now I remember...

That Pootie tang video I put on YouTube...

Over 10,000 views.

Damn.

I bet 10,000 people didn't even see the movie when it was in the theaters.

Sa-da-tay!

Potluck

A couple of random tidbits...

The war of the office pranks continued last week as an unsuspecting JB returned to his cubicle to find an assortment of turds hidden in various locations.

Good god people, we are not animals. We did not use real fecal matter. Just pictures of real fecal matter. Some of my favorite additions included a picture of poo taped unto the mouth piece of the phone and relabelling a trophy displayed on the book case to read "Most Corn Laden Stool" 1975.

Yeah I know. Childish. Nyah!

A second point I wanted to cover off on has to do with stickers on cars. As much as I tend to look down upon them, I can't help but admire this one.

Hot or not?

I had a third topic, but it evades me at the moment, so in its place go have a look at this glorious commercial from Sprint.

Butterfly in the sky...

I can go twice as high.

You know, I once gave a guest book review on that show that never aired.

It was part of some stupid essay writing contest they had at my elementary school.

Anyhow when I showed up, I thought I would have the chance to review a book of my choice. I just finished reading Jaws and was reading to talk about the great white terror, when they came in and gave me some dumbass low rent retarded knock off of "Where the wild things are." I was pretty pissed, but figured I would make it work.

When I got on camera I started to give the review, but broke down in the middle claiming they were making me review it under the threat of being beaten.

Lavar Burton was not amused.

He tried to talk down to me, but I called him out that he was a pompous ass clown under delusions of being a star, when in reality, he was nothing more than a poor man's Mr. Rogers. I then kicked him in the shin and was prompted escorted out of the building.

Somewhere in the vaults of public televisions editing room sits that whole disturbing ordeal. Or not, since I totally made it up five minutes ago. There you go... value adding lies.

*The preceeding is a excerpt includes my retort from an ongoing friday none of us really want to work so check this out email discussion.

Can't we all just get along?

Way to fight those stereotypes CBS "Survivor!"

In this season, there are four tribes split by race. Contestants didn't realize this was the dealio until Propes split them up into the Cracka tribe, the Bruthaz and Sistaz, the asians and the hispanics.

Once the gig was up, folks quickly realized they went from being under the normal race magnifying glass to being in front of the race hubble telescope (after the put the lense in correctly). The general sentiment across all tribes was we need to represent and show how shallow existing stereotypes are.

And represent they did.

Here are a few observations...

(a) During the first challenge the hispanics built a boat to get off the island in record time and gained an early lead

(b) The hispanics lost said lead during the puzzle. The asians, however, ripped through the puzzle like a Ginsu through a soda can.

(c) The african-americans came in last, but were allowed to select one person from one of the other teams to go to exile island. Who did they pick? Whitey. They based their decisions on the number of chickens whitey had, and then yelled "Karma is a bizzle."

Way to fight those stereotypes.

Long Lost Lovechild

What happens when you mix Jude Law plus that Elf who wants to be a Dentist from that Rudolph claymation feature along with a bottle of whiskey?



You get their unclaimed love child, featured on the first season of project runway.



While unconfirmed, rumors suggest, Patrick Swayze was in the room watching.

Don't ask me how I ended up watching Project Runway, just know that I did, but only so I could have something to blog about.

Cool.

I am a music junkie.

The kind of guy who could easily spend an entire day in one of those virgin megastores and not even approach the concept of boredom.

I am also extremely lazy.

That is largely the reason I don't spend entire days in virgin megastores...I would have to put on pants and nothing says great weekend like not wearing pants for more than 24hrs straight.

Despite my hethen ways, my non-existant prayers have been answered...

www.pandora.com

It's some kind of music genome project. That's just fancy talk for organizing music by its underlying characteristics. Basically you go to the site, type in a song or artist that you like and voila, you get an online stream of music that shares the same sort of acoustic genetics. You can also zap out any genetic mutatations not to your liking.

And best of all, you don't need to wear pants!

But I better put some on.

After all it is our monthly cake day in the office and I think showing up in my drawers would bode bad for my upcoming performance review.

Hip Hop we come to resurrect you...

For all the damage that MTV and the rapping grandma has done to Hip Hop, Lupe Fiasco has come to put things right.

Packing heated beats and collaboration from Pharrell to that guy from Linkin park to Sean.Carter, this kid is really setting a high bar for his album to clear when it finally drops.

In an interview with Funkmaster Flex he mentioned that he wants to bring Hip hop back to its roots and include social commentary in his raps, but also rap about robots because they are cool too.

I like this kid more every minute. The best damn thing out of chi-town since the Legion of Doom.

Lupe's Food and Liquor dropping 9/19.

Pick it up pick it up pick it up!

Time to revisit my new year's resolution

Like most folks, I fell short of carrying through on my new year's resolution in less than a week.

Considering my resolution was to tell more lies, that is probably not a bad thing.

However, this past weekend, I revisited the idea from an ethical standpoint...Specifically, does the act of telling lies fall into the "bad" bucket 100% of the time?

Obviously if intent is malicious or hurtful, the answer is yes, but what if there were such a thing as a "value adding" lie? Would that be so bad?

For example, after several hours of binge drinking on Friday night I pretty much passed the F out, while my friends were busy continuing the debacle into the wee (read as 4AM) hours of the morning. I knew what I must face the next morning, a stark grilling of what the hell happened to you last night, wussy.

Rather than come clean and admit I was tired and the room was spinning and I just booted my hobo dinner of baked beans and PBR, wouldn't it be soooooo much better to reply with something along the lines of "Aw man, you wouldn't believe this! I just finished using the Men's when some sneaky redneck ninja crept up on me from behind and karate chopped me in the neck, knocking me out stone cold. And I was just getting ready to come down and really get the party started and kick all your candy asses in a chugging contest."

I mean, c'mon. That can't be bad. In fact, I think it is down right good!

Crikee! Shanked by a stingray....

The crazy kiwi steve irwin, otherwise known as the croc hunter met his untimely demise at the end of a stingray this weekend.

Here is a picture taken immediately after the attack...

Wait just a cotton picking minute, that doesn't seem to fit with what CNN is reporting. They indicate that Irwin fell at the hands of an evil stingray...

Now take a closer look at exactly who is piloting that attack chopper above...

Probability would suggest, that if you F' with the bull, you get the horns. Or in this case, if you swim too close to a stingray, it will run you down with its attack chopper.

Not even necessary

My cousin sent me a picture of a local asian restaurant that is being remodelled. During renovations, someone vandalized the sign.

I thought maybe someone rearranged the letters, or maybe even painted them to read as Hung Far Low, but no, that's the actual name. When I looked closer I saw that someone just blacked out TAILS from CockTAILS underneath the sign.

Crazy kids.