Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines <> Crazy Delicious

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Parnell freestyle as much as the guy, but for sure that combo is anything but crazy delicious.

Let me break it down for you. Mr Pibb is nothing more than a 2 -cent whore knockoff of the highend call girl Dr. Pepper. And despite the class disparity Dr. Pepper is still a trick. C'mon people it is rumored to be prune soda.

The bottles used to have a 10 a 2 and a 4 on them because that's when you should have a little bit of the doctor to keep things flowing properly. I've also heard that they did research on blood sugar levels and found by supplementing a diet with a can of soda at these times prevents a significant drop in blood sugar levels but that's besides the point.

Perhaps the best evidence of its inherent nastiness comes in the form of the ultimate bootleg, generic Safeway soda and their shot at replicating the Pep...Dr. Popper. This 25 cents per can slush had the tagline "It's the soda with that fruity-nutty cola flavor." I read that (sadly) after finishing a can in 5th grade and threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Fruit and Nuts in cola? I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth just now at the very prospect. The power of the mind people, c'mon!

So basically the bullet point of the presentation thus far would be Mr. Pibb is disgusting.

On to the red vines....

I bought a pack of these at target and asked myself, I wonder how many packages of Red Vines were sold after seeing the Narnia rap? I know that led me to try them for the very first time. I was super excited as the thumbnail into the package test indicated the vines were very fresh, not all old, hard and crusty like something that is old hard and crusty.

I broke them out later that night while watching a movie and was ready to slap the taste out of those damn SNL rappers mouths. The taste buds were expecting something along the lines of twizzlers. The taste buds were greeted with some vile concoction resembling a cross between pepto bismal and moldy bread. With the exception of those chaukly pink candies that taste like pepto bismal, red vines are quite arguably the ass-nastiest candy on the block.

While I have no doubt they belong in the same boat as Mr. Pibb, my contention is in the destination of said boat. Most certainly not Crazy-delicious-ville, more likely Dundalk.

1 comment:

Fletch said...

Rumor has it that somewhere in Texas (apparently here) there is a Dr. Pepper bottling plant that still uses sugar instead of corn syrup. I have yet to try it, but when people speak of it, their eyes glaze over like they are having a wet dream.