Get ur Gleek on

A snap decision at last friday's hockey game resulted in the topic for today's post, gleeking.

gleek v. squirting liquid (including saliva) through the teeth or from under the tongue; less commonly, squirting saliva directly from the saliva glands or expelling liquid through the sinuses.

Actually, I think the inspiraction stemmed from how I accidently gleeked all over the bald man sitting in front of me, then laughed about it with Senor Rob then remarked that I would, in fact, post about it.

I tried to find some interesting material, pictures or perhaps even a guide online, but alas, there is a positive dearth of e-gleeking. I'm not saying there isn't stuff out there, but I expected much more.

Shame on you Internet! You go home and think about what you are missing!

I did, however, find an interesting online dictionary (from where I swiped the def. above). I'll have to peep that mug when I get some free time.

New Year's Resolution

Coming up with a good new year's resolution is pretty much like coming up with a thesis topic. You want it to be both insightful and inciteful and often wait till the last minute and then blurt out whatever comes to your mind (this is, in fact, exactly how I determined my Master's thesis topic "The profitability of socially responsibile business: An emerging reality in the corporate world." --Brief side note--sweet jebus I wish I could still write on that intellectual level but that is besides the point--back to ye olde post...

Past resolutions have been to be more of an a-hole, grow a rat tale, sleep in a card board box, blow a handful of pepper in someone's eye, throw more salt in peoples game, gain 15 pounds of body fat, poke someone with a stick, ride a mechanical bull, learn how to perfectly execute the figure four leg lock then do so on a stranger, answer any question that starts with "can you" with a loud obnoxious "I DUNNO, CAN I" you know typical resolutions.

Until 5 minutes ago, my tentative resolution was to start drinking coffee. Not just any coffee, but nasty coffee. Partly in protest of Starbucks and partly cause it makes a good story. It's all about the good stories people, c'mon!

Then I saw an email which changed EVERYTHING!

Say hello to my new new year's resolution... growing a hair hat.

My only question is, should I go for the tradional style? Or maybe something a little different like the hat to the back or maybe a berret?

I guess I have a week or so to sort that one out.

The Lost!-Patsy Cline-45 RPM Record-Johnny Cash-Hip hop connection

Wow. Now that's quite a string of random thoughts.

Or is it?

Let's take a wonka-esque trip through the wanderings of my mind from earlier today.

So any of you Lost fanatics out there might recognize that the show, particularly episodes that center on Kate, have a tendency to feature music by Patsy Cline. Now generally chances are pretty slim that I would take an umprompted interest in Patsy Cline's music, but the liberal use in Lost was just the catalyst to make that happen.

Connection 1 = Lost --> Interest in Patsy Cline

While doing some last minute stocking stuffer shopping at Target, I came across a budget hits CD for one Patsy Cline, the last one in stock nevertheless. $6.99 for her greatest hits PLUS a DVD documentary on her life? YESSSSS!

I spent most of the day listening to the cd and it is quite good. The average length of each song is 2:34 seconds which is great cause you never get to the point of twang saturation on any one song. Now how in the world could have Patsy Cline realized that twangy ass music gets old after the 3 minute mark? The fact of the matter is this, she didn't. The length of her songs was most likely determined by the popular medium at the time, 45 records, which on average hold just over 2 and 1/2 minutes of music.

Connection 2 = Length of Patsy Cline's songs driven by the 45 record

Being the popular medium, everyone put there music out on 45's. Radio stations based the programming based on the length of 45 records. As paid advertising became more important/promenient so did radio station's program formatting, thus if you were an artist and you wanted airplay, you were limited to make songs that were only a few short minutes.

There is a parrallel here that I wish make. I once read Johnny Cash's thoughts on modern country music and he expressed that country music was once a product of culture, but now country music produces culture. He didn't feel that one form was necessarily any better or worse than the other, just different.

Connection 3 = 45 records shift from product to producer, as did country music.

Ok, you've probably stuck with me so far, but wonder how the heck do you make to hip hop, right?

Well, stand back and watch.

Connection 4 = Fo' shizzle! Holla! Tru dat!


Yup that's it.

No it's not.

I would make the arguement that, believe it or not, Rap and Country music share the same family roots. It's just that one genre is rooted in the farmland and the other on the other side of the tracks.

Both grew from an impoverished seed, told the stories of the source, and sometimes offered a sense of hope or a cap in the ass. Both were 100% products of their culture, both grew in popularity to the point of being raped and pillaged on an industrial scale. Both genres went on to produce culture rather them stem from it. Both genres are considered dead in the eyes of purists or maybe just me. And both can be found on my ipod.

Connection 4 (for real) = Rap music = Country music in terms of the progression/life cycle.

Nothing especially funny here. Just a lot of random thoughts.

Welcome to my mind.

Wu tang muthaf@ckers!

One ticket down the mountain please...

Uncle Liu won't be making it to Christmas dinner this year. He was mildly injured in a log riding incident. He does, however send his well wishes and a fine bottle of saki.

Ok, more lies. My creativity went on strike today along with the NY mass transit system. I don't have an Uncle Liu (but, for what it's worth, I do have an Uncle Lew and as far as I know he doesn't ride trees down mountains). I was just looking for a reason to post this picture.

Doodads.

Oh Doo Dads, Where Art thou?

Just so we are all on the same page here, we are talking about a nabisco snack mix.

If you thought otherwise, congrats on being of the dirty old man school of thought, now get your mind out of the gutter.

Apparently, I am not the only one asking this question.

To the uninitiated, Doo Dads may seem nothing more than 2nd rate chex mix, but to those who remain true to the 80s we know otherwise. And while I am not quite sure why, but just recently the mental ghost of this 80s snack mix has reawoken to haunt my mental wanderings.

For example, in my mind it would make for some great drunken craving ravings. Imagine cruising the aisles of food lion asking random employees where they keep their doo dads? Or the cashier who is forced to ask for a price check on doo dads when you accidently scribble out the bar code? In another demented thought, I wondered what would happen if I went to sit on santa's lap as a 30 year old man and asked for some doo dads for christmas? Yeah, even I think that one may cross a line or two.

Sadly, doo dads are nothing more than a fond memory these days after Nabisco pulled the plug on their production. A google search for nabisco doo dads* reveals the awful truth and the corresponding backlash.

Here are some sample responses:

And then there's Doo-Dads. A thousand curses upon the goat-raping bastards at Nabisco for discontinuing Doo-Dads!

DooDads.... man oh man, right now I'd pay 20.00 for a box. Chex mix that they came out with, I cant stand. It works for now. But man, I love eathing doodads with my mom esp. around christmas time. I thing they took a loss of money they could of made from taking it off the shelf.. unless someone knows where to find ANY!!!!!

More interesting is the following picture I found along my search.

Perhaps it explains the mysterious dissappearance. I guess my only hope is ebay.

*If you decide to google search doo dads, I highly recommend turning on the safe search function. Otherwise, chances are you will end up with a bunch of links to somebody's bean bag.

Merrillze Chistmasdizzle Bizzle

New Christmas Album hittin the streets any day now. We be puttin the holla in holidays YA HEARD!

It's all about the contrast effect...

Before I get too deep into this post, it would serve me well to first explain what the contrast effect is and what it does.

Simpy put, the contrast effect is the alteration of one's perception of a given thing by placing said given thing in juxtaposition (woohoo bonus points for using a big word for side by side) with another thing.

For example, computer literacy/technological saviness were quite different when I was an undergrad. Yes, it's true! Sure we had computers but their saturation was no where near the levels today.

It was a time (albiet the twilight hours) of the DOS prompt, Word Perfect, and a Non-GUI based version of SPSS (scary times for sure). In fact, this was the year before Netscape and other visual based web browsers were even available on campus (although we did have access to the Internet and text based pages).

Needless to say, about the most computers were used for was (a) writing term papers and (b) playing minesweeper.

So on with the story, some classmates and me had to deliver a presentation for our research methods class based on our experiment investigating whether or not people could differentiate Diet vs Regular Dr. Pepper in a blind taste test. Our preparation was rather simply. Get up and talk. We opted to go second.

The first group proceed to pull out a laptop and laser pointer and delivered what, at the time, was pretty much rocket science.

Merlin's Beard! How do you follow that?

Unless we found out the Dr. Pepper cures cancer or maybe the clap, we were pretty much guaranteed a 2nd place finish at best.

My feeble recourse was to open the presentation as follows...

Me: "Before we get start, I just wanted to say two words: Contrast Effect."

The teacher laughed and I knew that we at least had a shot at taking those damn techies down or at a minimum not failing, which was fine by me.


As a second, more contemporaneous example of the contrast effect, for as much of a turd I thought Fantastic Four was, it was pretty much Citzen Kane* as compared to the remake of the Dukes of Hazzard.

As much as I enjoyed the original TV show, truth be told they did not set the bar exceptionally high. So to screw up the movie is the equivalent of screwing up the task of boiling water.

A blonde Daisy Duke? A dark, brooding Roscoe? An uncle Jessy that smokes pot out of an apple? Hazzard County THIS IS NOT! Tom Wopat** is rolling over in his grave right now.



* I never saw Citizen Kane, but I once read it was good. BTW Rosebud was his sleigh. He musta been a weirdo or something, I mean the dude is about to punch out and he starts going on about his sled? I hope he was drugged with Hippo Tranqs or something.

** Technically speaking Tom Wopat is not dead, but if he were, you bet your ass he'd be rolling like it was his job.

Fantastic Four Questions

I watched Fantastic Four last night and as far as I am concerned, it raised far too many thought provoking questions for the mindless sort of action film genre from which it comes.

In fact, the final confrontation includes a question that asks something to the effect of "Do you know what happens when you rapidly cool super hot metal?" No, actually I don't. Thanks for making me feel stupid and thanks some more for not answering the question you hoser.

There are others as well. For instance, when Ben Grimm becomes "the thing" where does his forth finger go? God only knows.

Let's not forget Dr. Doom. After becoming a supervillan, where in the world would Dr. Doom go grocery shopping? I can't imagine he would stoop to paying someone to do it for him. After all we KNOW Dr. Doom is NOT a diva!

It just doesn't add up. They really need to go back to the drawing board and recast this movie using the four horsemen. No not those bloody footballers, rather the epitome of 1980s wrestling villanry (is that even a word?)

Yes, a movie featuring good ole Nature Boy Ric Flair WOOOOOOOO! and his delightfully devious sidekicks Tully Blanchard (watch out for the sling shot suplex) and the Minnesota wrecking crew...Arn and Ole Anderson.

Now that would be some good watching.

Friday's Helpful Hints...

Good Grief, have you seen the news today?

Grandmothers being tasered, kids being kept in boxes (maybe they should have read yesterday's blog) and planes running over babies, how can I compete with that?

I won't!

Instead here is some helpful information...


STROKE IDENTIFICATION
During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

It only takes a minute to read this-A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

Field Diagnosis of a STROKE. The "3" steps.
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . It is sunny out today)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identifyfacial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis andtreatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

And in case you were wondering, here's how to indentify THE STROKES:

PS is it me or does diet coke with lime taste better when you close your eyes and pretend it's green?

Warning!

So I was getting out the wrapping paper and noticed this handy little warning on the inside of the lid.

Apparently, the rubbermaid tote is not suitable for storing Webster or any other small humans. Damn. I was totally thinking I could avoid the whole nursery thing some day by storing my baby in that thing. I mean come on, it is semi-transparent, so I could totally see if the kid was misbehaving.

Here's another, not so obvious warning I came across.

Look closely. See that purple moon and stars? Bet you think that signifies "nighttime" right? Hellllll no. Drink one or two swigs too many in the alotted 4 hr period and that's the sort of stuff your are liable to start seeing. In fact, that's exactly how general mills comes up with new marshmellow ideas for lucky charms.

Drifting

I am 76% sure this is a Toyota Camry. I am 100% sure a Toyota Camry shouldn't be driven like this.

Birthday Shenanigans

Let's review friday night (or what I remember of it).

1. Blacking out -- Check
2. Finding a shot glass in my pants when I got home (in fact 2) -- Check
3. Booting -- negative ghostrider

Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Many people fear the 21st birthday, but in reality, the true danger is the 30th. You see, several forces (ie increased discretionary income among your friends, your own decrease in tolerance ect ect ect) combine like Voltron and generally work against your favor.

Plus there must be some kind of unwritten rule that no two people can buy you the same drink. I basically had the Whitman's sampler of booze. The night started out gently enough with an oatmeal cookie (that's a shot not an actual cookie) courtesey of D. Magical.

Things quickly progressed and before I knew it, I received my first cement mixer. Not too bad when it starts out, but after 10 seconds of shaking, things start to get ugly. After about 30 seconds, it's like having a mouth full of battlecat's litter.

As time passed, my memories started to have a strobe-light effect. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. Dave Attell call's it time travel.

In one of my lucid bouts, I ran into some unexpected friends from high school and elementary school which was a nice surprise. It pretty much completed my collection of friends from different eras.

Soon after I was hand another shot (big surprise). It was red and fruity. Was it the fabled woo woo? I don't know. Did it contain a ruffie? Probably. Was it a catalyst to frank the tank? Yes. bang bang bang bang load it up again!

I think a game of edward 40 hands was tentatively scheduled for the second week of January. The game will be held in the woods, far away from sharp objects.

In all, it was a great night. Probably the best birthday ever. Much better than the bowling alley party I had when I was six.

1980licious

If any guilty pleasure trumps that of propaganda, it would have to be the 80s (as if you couldn't guess by the random pictures of transformers, he-man and people setting themselves on fire--a true mark of excess).

So, thinking back to the 80s, does anyone remember Laser tag? I mean OG real deal laser tag?

I have one of those very same game kits stuffed away in my parent's attic along with several boxes of 1989 Topps baseball cards full of worthless roiders and some dude named Bo Jackson.

Laser tag is an excellent example of "great in theory, retarded in application."

You see, getting a single set is kind of like getting a dart board with nothing to throw at it. Sure you could hurl your mom's Ginsus or maybe even your compass from school, but that's only if you were good at thinking out of the box. For most kids, the best you could do is train to be kurt cobain and shoot yourself.

We played Laser tag at recess and by we I mean me and this rich kid named Garun as we were the only two kids with sets. The rest of the smucks had to sit and watch. Not only did Garun have the same set as me, but he also had the official laser tag vest and helmet. These two items, while cool in looks, served no functional purpose aside from giving me additional targets to shoot at, which would explain how I regularly kicked his ass at a ratio of 3:1.

So you probably assume I was a spoiled rich kid too. How else would I have the much coveted (think of an xbox 360) toy? Did I steal it? Hmmm, I guess that is a matter of personal definition and ties closely to whether or not you agree if certain politicians steal elections.

You see the local safeway had a drawing for one of these sets. And I was determined to win. I have always considered myself lucky, so I just knew I would win. My confidence, however, did not stem from my faith in luck as much as my ability to read fine print (enter as often as you like) and kathy lee gifford sweatshop dedication of filling out every damn entry in the store approximately 4,358. I burned the remaining 642 for good measure.

A few weeks later I got a call from the manager informing me that I won. I informed the manager that I knew. He seemed puzzled. I quickly feigned that I was merely joking and enlisted my thespian skills to show my excitement.

Yeahhhhhhh Wooooooooo I can't believe it*

*it being the silly enter as often as you like clause

Oh 80s, you so funny!

I pity the fool who doesn't turn right in 200 yards!

Holy mackeral!

Voice guided GPS just got real interesting!

Lost--SPOILER ALERT

While surfing around the net I discovered some interesting information.

Apparently a disgruntled gaffer from the set of Lost start dropping all sorts of juicy secrets about that dog-gone mysterious island.

Most notably, he revealed in great detail the island's security system/monster, Battlecat.

Yeah Battlecat has steez like you wouldn't believe!

A hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack... the heat is on.

Yeah, that's the tagline from Rad, what's a matter, you wanna fight about it?

Somehow in the random mental workings of my mind, the image of two kids tearing up the dance floor on their BMX bikes at prom listening to "send me an angel" popped into my head this morning, and I wondered if maybe, just maybe, someone had the stones to release this bad boy on DVD. A quick trip to IMDB reveals it is so. A quick trip to amazon reveals that IMDB is full of crap.

One day, one day, we will relive the glory of hell track in digital format, hopefully with Bart Conner commentary. Until then we will have to live with gleaming the cube, which in all honesty is the coke zero of Rad.

In other random wanderings of the mind, last night while out for my birthday dinner, melady friend and I walked by a Slyvan learning center. I had to suppress my inner a-hole urge to fling open the door, point at a kid and yell "you big dummy." I have no idea where these things come from.

Additionally, I almost ran someone over backing up real fast knight rider style in the parking lot at lunch. Judging by his Subway bag, he is semi-health concerned, so I was really just giving him the gift of some extra exercise (ie diving out of the way of an out of control subaru wagon in reverse). He thanked me with a few choice words.

Speaking of gifts, the best girlfriend in the world got me the best present in the world a fancy new black ipod with a laser inscription on the back that reads "I wore black because I liked it -- Johnny Cash."

Sweet!

I heart Propaganda!

What do these two images have in common (besides both kickin' arse)?

More than you might think (or perhaps more appropriately stated more than meets the eye).

But before we get into all of that, let's review why it is important to think about propaganda courtesy of this fine-azz piece of literary work I found online...

It may seem strange to suggest that the study of propaganda has relevance to contemporary politics. After all, when most people think about propaganda, they think of the enormous campaigns that were waged by Hitler and Stalin in the 1930s. Since nothing comparable is being disseminated in our society today, many believe that propaganda is no longer an issue.

But propaganda can be as blatant as a swastika or as subtle as a joke. Its persuasive techniques are regularly applied by politicians, advertisers, journalists, radio personalities, and others who are interested in influencing human behavior. Propagandistic messages can be used to accomplish positive social ends, as in campaigns to reduce drunk driving, but they are also used to win elections and to sell malt liquor.

As Anthony Pratkanis and Elliot Aronson point out, "every day we are bombarded with one persuasive communication after another. These appeals persuade not through the give-and-take of argument and debate, but through the manipulation of symbols and of our most basic human emotions. For better or worse, ours is an age of propaganda." (Pratkanis and Aronson, 1991)

With the growth of communication tools like the Internet, the flow of persuasive messages has been dramatically accelerated. For the first time ever, citizens around the world are participating in uncensored conversations about their collective future. This is a wonderful development, but there is a cost.

The information revolution has led to information overload, and people are confronted with hundreds of messages each day. Although few studies have looked at this topic, it seems fair to suggest that many people respond to this pressure by processing messages more quickly and, when possible, by taking mental short-cuts.

Propagandists love short-cuts -- particularly those which short-circuit rational thought. They encourage this by agitating emotions, by exploiting insecurities, by capitalizing on the ambiguity of language, and by bending the rules of logic. As history shows, they can be quite successful.

Propaganda analysis exposes the tricks that propagandists use and suggests ways of resisting the short-cuts that they promote. This web-site discusses various propaganda techniques, provides contemporary examples of their use, and proposes strategies of mental self-defense.

Propaganda analysis is an antidote to the excesses of the Information Age.

"borrowed" from: http://www.propagandacritic.com/articles/intro.why.html

So back to my original question, how are these two images related? Quite simply, Soundwave shot the paratrooper in a fit or rage after losing a heated game of tiddlywinks.

I actually have a much more relevant theory, but it's boring and doesn't delight one with the fantastic mental image of tiddlywinks gone bad.

Happy birthday to me.

Act my age? Never!!!

In sheer denial of the fact I turn 30 tomorrow, here are some rather juvenial lyrics from Bloodhound Gang's new song...

BLOODHOUND GANG LYRICS
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket
Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so patheticallyI don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten
Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston
Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the fish wrinkle
Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so patheticallyI don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

Turkey! Trader Joe's! Thirty!

The trip to trader joe's this weekend was awesome. That place specializes in gourmet food (ie jalapeno chicken sausage without pork) and bitchy moms.

I swear, Walt Disney would have another century's worth of material just by strolling down the sundries aisle. Every corner I turned, I saw some middle age psuedo hippy mom berating a cart full of kids. Can you say Cinderella 2K6: The Remix? I pretty much told shannon when we have kids, she is no longer permitted to shop there.

Oh well what can you do?

Thanksgiving went well, despite the absence of a deep fried bird. Apparently you need to take the turkey out of the freezer about a month in advance and frying a frozen trukey is the leading cause of death in Dundalk Md.

In lieu, but equally neck (aka redneck) I tried a bourbon based glaze. Despite its rather questionnable ingreddies (bourbon, maple syrup, ketchup, soy sauce, brown sugar and lots of country love) it turned out rather nicely. In fact only one person fell out of there chair after eating it. I say give it a shot, but stay away from any heavy machinery afterwards.

Not too much else to report on, however, I do turn 30 tomorrow. Yes thirty. How will I celebrate? I dunno, maybe I will buy some insurance, read the wall street journal or change the filter in the furnace. You know, grown up stuff.

Yeah right. Family guy season 4 comes out tomorrow (coincidence?), so I may very well end up on the couch, sans pantalones, drinking a blue margarita, eating sour patch kids while watching THE best damn show on TV, well um, except for lost.

And you thought craig mack was ugly...

Seperated at birth?



I can't decide if this is really a dog or a turd with grey hair and teeth. And it's no wonder why Craig Mack's hit was Flava for your ears cause you may very well go blind if you stare at him for more than 10 seconds.

What time is it?

It's like an alarm clock...

wooo woooo!

Thanks Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis!

After 60 years lego segregation ends!

I am just going to go ahead and say it.

Legos are racist. Straight up.

C'mon, think about it. When was the last time you saw an ethnic inhabitant of Lego land?

How about never. Nothing but endless waves of smiling yellow block people. What exactly are they smiling about? The lack of lego pigment?

It is a travesty.

I have long championed for increased diversity among legoians. In fact when I was 11, I made the startling discovery that the smokestack from my lego express steam engine was in fact, a black lego head. Not long afterwards, Lego Leroy and I started the Lego equality movement.

It has been a long hard fight, but progress is being made.

The "other side of the tracks" lego town is in the works and is complete with lego pawn shop next to the lego liquor store next to the lego payless shoe store.

Leghetto is the name of this urban utopia and it includes lego pimps and lego hos and even visits from the lego MAN to keep the lego brothers down.

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

Oh, I slay me. That's rich!

Wish List Part Deux

Tack this bad boy on me list for jolly ole st. nick.

A gangsta snowman that raps "Whoomp there it is" complete with bling in his grill. Coal is for suckaz!

Boom!-Shaka-laka-Shaka-laka!

A sucker is born every minute

As PT Barnum once said, unfortunately he didn't know the Internet age, cause if he did, he would likely cut that time in half repeatedly until it reached a nano-second.

So I am trying to sell a home theater system on craigslist, and pretty much everywhere you turn on that site is a warning about potential scams. As soon as I posted my offer I received half a dozen offers which pretty much boggle the mind.

Here is a sample exchange:

hello seller
i found your item and it look nice let me know if this item is still for sell
Mrs Jeje


Yes, in fact it is the middle of a bidding war, the price is now up to $1,500 from people all over the world! Imagine that!

The first person who shows up with $900 real money (that would be cash or certified check), however will have the distinct pleasure of buying this fine piece of audio equiptment.

I also have a rare monkey for sale if you are interested.


Ok...thanks for your response.i will like to buy it now and i can't meet you any where due to the programm am controlling in New Jersey,so i will like to pay you through Money Order, or US Postal Money Order, so get back to me with your full name and address of where you want the money to be deliver to and am going to pick up my goods after , so i will like to handle the shipping myself. so get back to me soon


Here is another offer from one Mary Luis of the UK...

Thanks for your prompt reply.And am very sorry to ask if the item works very perfect,It is because of some unsincire craigslist seller who display bad item,but now that you have promise that the item work very perfect,I think i can proceed with the payment. Actually, I will be paying through bidpay money order and its not necessary that you should be a member before i can make payment because am already a member.

I think its better and safe and secure because, once i make payment and the payment is approved., its sure that the seller or whoever that is involved will definately receive the money order and thats why it takes them hours to approve after payment.The money order will be delivered to your door step upon approval of payment by bidpay. Payment will be mailed to you in first class mail by (Royal Mail Courier services) and a tracking number will be provided to you which will allow you to track your payment online and will be mailed to your address in 3 to 5 business day first class mail, once its processed.

As soon as payment tracking number is given unto you which signifies that payment is on the way, i mean, as soon as you track the payment online and see it coming, i will like to ship the item immediately due to the urgent need of the item,because am presenting it as a gift to my inlaw who is celebrating her birthday on monday in africa.,And i will like her to receive the package before her birthday date.I shall be paying you $1000.I want you to please buy a good box to wrap the package so it can look very presentable .

As for the shipping, you dont have to pay a dime for it cos i will be responsible for the shipping to destination.Upon approval of payment,i will send you a fed-ex prepaid shipping label to you which you will affix on the package before its picked up from you.I w ill like to hear from you if this is okay by you,Just end the bid.let me have your full name and address as it will be written on the money order so that i can proceed with the payment.
Thanks

I think I may start to post random things for sale just to see what other sorts of interesting offers I receive.


In other news, its friday woot woot!

Now go see walk the line!

31 reasons Chuck Norris ownz joo

Aw man, I think I made it to #15 before I officially pee'd my pantalones.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
   
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
   
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
   
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
   
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
   
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
   
7. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
   
8. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
   
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
   
10. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    
11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    
12. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
    
14. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
    
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
    
16. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
    
17. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
    
18. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
19. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
    
20. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
    
21. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
    
22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
    
23. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    
24. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
    
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
    
26. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
    
27. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    
28. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
    
29. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    
30. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
    
31. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The great elevator race of 1993

While on a break I decided to take up a new hobby, recreational elevator riding. Actually, I just wanted to go get an egg sammich at the deli downstairs. Anyhow, deja vu decided to strike and for some odd reason an elevator related memory popped in my head.

Back in the day (summer of 1993) some friends and I took a road trip to Ocean city and stayed at a friend's condo. It was an older building, but it did have an elevator, which was nice considering my friend lived on the 8th or 9th floor. One night we got all gassed up on Bartles and James and decided to head down to the boardwalk.

While waiting for the elevator, I bet my friends I could run down the stairs faster than they could take the elevator. I really thought I could do it, at least until I got to the 5th floor. I then decided to get off on each of the remaining floors and press the button (so that the trolley would stop and wait on each floor). Unfortunately, the idea came 30 seconds after the elevator passed the 5th floor.

I just wanted to share that, cause the bible sez sharing is good.

Greatest Tag Team Eva!

Yet another reason supporting the superiority of the 80's and all of its fantastic products...the emergance of THE best pair a wreslters, Hawk and Animal AKA the L.O.D. AKA The Road Warriors.

Just wanted to throw some props their way, although I just read that Hawk is flying a little higher these days. Apparently he passed away at the age of 45 from a heart attack a few years ago.

In other news, I'm in Philly and will probably go the duration of my trip sans cheesesteak.

Talk amongst yourselves; I'll post more later.

PS my new year's resolution is to break this record.

A horse on the loose

Any weekend that starts by witnessing an escaped carriage horse running down a busy street is bound to be interesting on several levels. This weekend's adventure included a trip to richmond and my first "sticky rice" experience. I now have yet another reason to adore that city.

The honorable Siever-san sold me on the idea of dining at a Sushi joint which prided itself on selling PBR in cans, both 12 ounce and deliciously evil 24 ounce tall boys (as evidenced by the scan of the beer menu I ganked above). Then he dropped the bomb of sticky rice's other specialty, tater tots sold in a big ass steel pail.

Tots in a pail F yeah (imagine that sung to the tune of the Team America theme song).

As if copious tots in a garden pail and PBR tall boys were not enough, the descriptions in the beer menu are sheer genius. See the image below for a sampling or check out the website for the full list.

It was a grand time indeed and I have the headache today to support that claim.

But the fun didn't start there. Oh no. Along my travels, I saw a fire on that little patch of land in between the inner-loop and outer-loop of 495 and thought to myself, those damn french are invading. Then, when flipping through the current ish of EW, I saw this...

Hmmmm, clever play on words, but talk about extremely poopy timing. I wonder if they will issue any sort of apology. As of yet, nothing is listed on their website. It reminds me of a poorly timed viral marketing campaign for the Nissan Altima. Nissan sent folks on their mailing list a really suspicious looking packing that resemble a giant medicine container. The jist of the ad was something like, you have a fever and the only prescription is more Altima! Unfortunately, the launch fell right at the same time folks were getting weird packages with Anthrax. ewwwww. Not so good. Nissan did send out a letter of apology though.

Carry on.

PS who wins in a fight, Krav Maga or Tae Kwon Do?

WHEEL...OF....ILLNESS!

I think am officially well or as well as I am going to be, so it is ok once again to poke fun at the sick and infirmed. Actually, my gripe is with the medical system itself.

Last week's visit to the clinic, while effective at procuring "los meds" took my confidence in the medical profession down a peg or two. Despite consuming enough tussin to start to seeing matrix-like effects, I still suffered a litany of aches, pains and generally felt like poop. I was thoroughly convinced I had fallen victim to the bubonic plague or maybe even scurvy.

Not even close. According to Dr. Yi, I had....(insert sound of wheel spinning) a sinus infection. Man, either I am just a wussus maximus or Dr. Yi took a shot in the dark, crossed her fingers and assigned a macro antibiotic strong enough to wreck shop on any bacteria baddies in my system, the one and only Z-pak (it's the 2 pac of meds).

Funny. It was the same med I got last year for my "bronchitis." At the end of the day, it doesn't matter cause I am better.

What is the a point to this post?

Hey look, another man on fire!

Only 45 more shopping days till Christmas...

Time to start working on a wish list.

I've been a good boy this year. I deserve something fun, something special, something that say's "yeah you've got skills."

I want a unicorn spearing a mime.

That's not too much to ask for is it?

Thanks archie mcphee!

Taser to offer stun gun cameras

I read this headline on CNN this morning in hopes that it was a teaser for an entirely different product, the stun gun camera phone. That would be one really great bad idea, and sadly enough, probably not that far off from reality.

Can you imagine? Someone figures out how to hack into the system and prank call unsuspecting folks with several thousand gigawatts. (Gigawatts, giga-who? Giggidity giggidity goo). Nevermind me, that's just the 'tussin talkin.

Sorry, no shock phones today, but rather the article details how Taser will develop a stun gun that allows the stunner to take pictures, possibile even video of the stun-ee. The need for such a product emerged after controversey surrounding an incident where police tasered a 6 year old.

Not sure where I was going with this or how best to wrap this post up.

Look a man on fire!

And in the news this week

Star Trek's Sulu comes out of the closet, annoucing he has gone were no man has gone before and has been doing so for the past 18 years.

In other news, George Bush's popularity reaches a new low. He responds by giving up his steady diet of school children and now only eats kitten.

More news to come...

Teen Apathy and Happy Trees

Just a quick recap of this weekend’s happenings for all of you Halloween hooligans. The bulk of Saturday morning was spent waiting in line at the DMV in hopes of attaining a shiny new VA license. My hopes were nearly shattered when I glanced into the fancy eyetesting machine and swore I saw something written in Arabic. Now, I am the first to admit that my eyesight isn’t the best, even with glasses, but after that test, I think I may now qualify for that legally blind tax credit.

My redemption was teen apathy. Generally frowned upon by society, the young man behind the counter, obviously didn’t care. Here is a recount of the exchange:

Clerk: Please read line one.
Me: HKGC, wait a minute, is that a 2? Are there numbers in this thing?
Clerk: What? No. Please read line one.
Me: That 2 just disappeared completely, I think I need new glasses.
Clerk.: Just read the line.
Me: I don’t think I can.
Clerk: Read the line.
Me: HCG Tilda 2 smileyface LOL #
Clerk: Close enough.

The afternoon was spent afro shopping for my Bob Ross costume. Did you know that afros come in 2 sizes? Giant and Enormous?

I went with giant. I was really on the fence about the costume. Honestly, I think my Halloween spirit was MIA or perhaps the cough medicine I have been consuming intravenously is suppressing it. Anyhow, my biggest concern about Bob Ross is that these young’ns were weened on MTV not PBS and by and large the PBS painter and his happy trees would go unrecognized. Then I saw Bob Ross on a screen printed T-shirt at target. Nothing screams commercialism like a screen print t-shirt from target (except for a screen print t-shirt from wal-mart). That pretty much sealed the deal for me.

What if...

Every once and awhile someone asks a question.

A question that forever changes the social landscape of the world we live in.

Questions that most people are afraid to ask and more afraid to know the answer.

Last night I thought of a question, a question that today, I pose to the loyal denizens of Topic15.

A question that has zero relevance to the aforementioned criteria, but is thought provoking nonetheless...

What if...

What if, for just once...

What if, for just once, you substituted Old English 800 Malt liquor for water in a humidifier, even if it was just for one night?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Is anyone brave enough to step up to the plate for this experiment?

A Pulitzer Prize or perhaps a Darwinian Award may be just one night away!

For the love of money...

All right first things first, a celebratory whoopty whoop for the reincarnation of the humble topic15.

Holla!

Now barring any further pomp and circumstance, let's get back to the discussions of what's what and unequivocal truths in this world vis-a-vis the observations of the one and only benster.

A qoute recently circulated around the office stating something to the effect of "throw enough money at people and they are liable to do anything." Nevermind the context of its origin. It's true, oh yes, it's true.

I can think of no finer example than from my worldly travels to India in search of the elusive Johnny Three Legs 40, which was banned from domestic shipment many years ago.

During my international excusion I had a brief pit stop outside of Deli when I saw a man attacked by a monkey all over a twinkie incident, but I digress.

I was standing outside of the red fort when I was approached by and elderly man who emerged from the shadows. In an almost trance state he began reciting various architectural characteristics of the fort. Just before I could question where the hell he was going with all of his jibba-jabba he says this to me..."The top of the fort wall is 200 feet from the ground, if you give me 300 rupees I will jump from the top of the wall." Bear in mind that 300 ruppees is maybe 10 bucks on a good day.

So I said, you got a deal, but I'm no pre-paying sucka. You have to jump before I hand over the scratch.

Now if you look carefully, you can see superman mid flight in the picture above. He jumped into that cesspool of a moat and being a man of my word, I handed over his money.

Decisions, Decisions...

Shocking as it may seem, Halloween is less than two weeks away, which means it is time to come up with an idea for a costume in pretty short order. I've set the bar pretty high for the past three consecutive years…Vanilla ice (complete with ICE shaved in the back of my cabeza), Mr. T (yes with a Mohawk), and who can forget the loveable Gangsta Cow (eet mor chikn btchiz).


While no clear winners have emerged from the pack, here is a sampling of this year's current contenders…

Gary Busey—requirements include wax teeth, a blinding Hawaiian shirt, bed head, and copious amounts of whiskey. The good thing about being Busey is that it pretty much gives you carte blanch to do whatever the F' you want and you could always chalk it up to "I was just trying to be authentic." The bad thing is you will end up in jail by 9:30 PM.

Dirty Sanchez—the beauty of this costume is in its simplicity, a sharpie mustache, a Sanchez jersey, and a good roll in the mud is all you need. Most unfortunately, this costume has a severe drawback, and no I am not referring to inevitably having to explain to you parents what a dirty sanchez is when your friends share their online photo albums. Oh no, the real problem is irony and the distinct possibility of falling victim to an authentic dirty sanchez at some point during evening. Thanks, but I'll pass.

NunCowboyPirate---Yeeehaw-praise Jesus-Arrrrrrrrgh! Who doesn't love a Nun-Cowboy-Pirate? Give me a habit, a Stetson, an eyepatch and a hook hand and when asked what I am supposed to be, I'll reply "a fireman of course." Pro—it combines three ordinary costumes into one hot a$$ ensemble. Con—too high brow for the audience to truly appreciate.

Darth Gader (pronounced gay-dar)—I am secure enough in my manhood to own pink pants, so why not show up to the party as darth vader's effeminate cousin? Take one darth vader costume and some pink spray paint and you are one fierce jedi slayer. Unfortunately I am not THAT secure in my manhood.

I've had a few other ideas, but due to decency laws, I will refrain from posting them.

Maybe I will join the masses and buy an off the shelf costume from target. I did see a pretty swank David Hasselhof get-up last time I was there.

Any one hear of this book?

The Fourth Turning--if so what are your thoughts?

Sonnawa...

Comcast is hatin on a brother's modem right now, so I am still in blog denial.

Enjoy this while you wait for topic15 to emerge like a phoenix from the ashes.

He he he!

Coming soon...Return of topic15

We move into the new crib tonight and cable guy comes tomorrow which means wez bez back in bidness real soon now ya hear!

In the meantime here's a good joke to tell a priest...


What's a cat's favorite color?

Puuuuuuurrrple.


Conversely, here's a real tasteless joke...

What's the definition of Rolaids?

Rock Hudson in a wheel chair.

Yeah, go ahead hand me my pitch fork and I will get in line.

LOST pt II

Yeah I know, stick to your knitting...the blog should be back up and running with that mad crazy old school flava in a few days.

In the meantime, ponder this observation per last night's epi of lost...

During the orientation film, the narrator discusses the nature of the Dharma program (ie that damn hatch) as being a research facility dedicated to the enlightenment of mankind and furthering the works of the likes of B.F. Skinner.

That kat had quite a rep among the psychological community and he was stirring isht up until his very last days. His game was based in operant conditioning and he was well known for his Skinner's box, a box that would contain an animal that would be trained to press a button or lever to elicit a response.

He argued that people don't make decisions on their own, but rather they are conditioned to make decisions based on external stimuli that would result in some sort of reward/punishment avoidance.

Is there some parallel between a pigeon locked in a box pecking a keyboard and that dude in the hatch pressing keys? I guess time will tell.

4 8 15 16 24 42 execute. peck peck peck

LOST

Damn that show is good. It almost makes wednesday as good as friday.

I ain't even gonna half step and pretend I'm not hooked, cause I am. I've been in withdrawal since last week. The summer was even worst. I had delusions about the show. In my mind, they decided to capitalize on the success and spin-off another show about the tail section of the aircraft.

There was a whole different pack of survivors on another part of the island, and the wacked out french chick was the only one who knew. She leveraged this information by pitting each side against the other under the guise that they were the others. In the case "the others" refers to other survivors rather than other inhabitants of the island.

The hatch contained Jeff Goldblum who took a career leap and played a nerdy scientist. Ok I made that last part up just now.

On a side note, I heard the numbers are all retired Yankee Jerseys.

Tribiani for the block

Oddly enough, the second most popular choice in my democratic battle royale was "Future stars of Hollywood Squares." Until a day or so ago, I truly felt ill prepared to handle such a discussion. Truly, I felt it would go unnoticed, similar to how those wily politicians decided to put the whole draft thing up for a vote again. Both cases were incorrect.

So in a vain attempt to satiate the good samaritans of topic15, my first prediction of a star headed straight for the center square goes to...

Matt "boom boom" Leblanc.

How could I do such a thing? Well let me count the ways.

1. Leblanc's spin off "Joey" recently lost in the Neilsen ratings to a ball of lint. Never underestimate lint, especially belly button lint.
2. Word on the street is that Jenny Craig is eyeballin' swollen post friend's Joey as their next representative now that Kristie Alley weight is back undercontrol (and she is no longer having an adverse gravitational effect on the moon).
3. Some people will argue that monkey's thespian skills are far superior.

You can't judge a book by its cover (or can you)

It the case of Freakonomics versus The Tipping Point, heck ya.

Who's gonna win in a fight? A match or an orange in fuji apple clothing. No contest. Freakonomics layeth the smackdown on The Tipping Point, beating it like a government mule that owes money to Levitt and Dubner.

And that's with not even the cracking of the spine. Popping these literary works open illustrates an even more pronounced disparity. Freakonomics is peppered with top drawer examples of fodder for cocktail hour discussions for weeks on end. What do the KKK and real estate agents have in common? Why Sumo wrestlers and teachers cheat? These are the questions I have been asking since 7th grade and now I finally have answers!

I was eager to get my next fix courtesy of Mr. Gladwell. For some reason, in my mind the tipping point was going to be in line with the 100th monkey theory. Sadly, it was more in line with that scene from america's funniest home videos where a monkey picks its butt, sniffs it and falls off a log. Seriously, half the stuff out of there is psych 101 and common sense. I reached my tipping point at page 111 and decided watching german mtv was more intellectually stimulating. Then again, I am but a simple man.

In the TP's defense, its initials are the same as toilet paper and the part about the effect of reordering social networks on outbreaks of the clap in charm city was cute, but in no way compares to a book with a chapter on name selection that puts "Benjamin" among the top 5 high-end white boy names among the well educated population.

Take that Jordan!

Pssssst! one more thing....

Fill up your gas tanks today.

I'm not a slacker, (well I am, but not really)

I'm no dummy. I hear the grumblings of the masses resulting from the B-league posts as of late.

The inactivity is not for lack of want as much as the lack of time and technological impedances. For example, for some reason if my post is more than 6 sentences, they won't publish from work. Secondly, for the next few weeks, Shannon and I are living in a van down by the river. Ok that's a lie. But our stuff (including my computer) be in storage, so I don't have any other places to blog from.

So keep hope alive. topic15 will return to its formerly glorious site in a few short weeks. Until then, enjoy this picture of an 8 person beer funnel.

Cheese Doodles Memoirs

Despite my somewhat cynical exterior, at heart I have always been an optimist (tempered by a liberal dosage of pragmatism). Furthermore, I have always considered myself a quick study and taken great pride in my ability to quickly size up a situation. These traits have been evident in my behavior since I was a young boy, a young husky boy, a young husky boy with a lusty addiction to cheese doodles.

I’ve always had a penchant for hanging out with society described “trouble-making hooligans” with too much time on their hands. Call me old fashion, but it was just plain fun. One such hooligan was named Eric. We had adjacent backyards which made for a perfect arena for mud pie wars, digging holes to china, setting the Gobots we received from santa instead of transformers ablaze and typical youthful deviance…

One day in 1982, Eric and I were hanging out on our porch listening to Thriller on my boombox discussing how to score some bottle rockets, you know, typical kid stuff. So anyways, my mom pulls up with groceries in tow. Being the good mom that she is, she kicks over a bag of Jax Cheese Curls. Unfortunately, they were intercepted mid-flight by Eric who insisted on playing a game of cat and mouse.

Now if we were only taking into account individual speed factor alone, the smart money would have been on Eric. However, separating a fat kid from his cheetos is not unlike parting momma bear from her favorite cub. I quickly grabbed my mothers hand held gardening spade and ensued pursuit on foot. Eventually the chase led to a very cartoon-esque, route around the large (but low) bush in my parent’s front yard. Eric kept perfect pace keeping and exact 180 degree equidistance between us for several laps. Once I got a bead on him, I let that shovel fly with everyone ounce of rage I could muster, clocking him square in the back of the cabeza and flooring him in the process. I nonchalantly walked over, picked up my cheese curls and went back to the porch just in time to catch the end of PYT.

The Moral of the Story? Life is nothing more than an educational experience, nay, an educational journey through which each individual is charged with learning their strengths and how to leverage them to overcome challenges. When in doubt, use a shovel.

Exercise your democratic right!

And vote for the subject matter for my next blog post!

Here are the current choices....

1. Racism in 2005
2. Freak-o-nomics vs. The Tipping Point -- a psuedointellectual book review
3. Never take a fat kid's cheese doodles--stories from Ben's childhood
4. Fundamental Differences in Chick vs. Dude Logic
5. What really happened to Michael Jackson
6. Another installment of topic15's world weekly sun enquirer news
7. Your mamma jokes...Ah snap! Don't make me go there!
8. Where are they now?-- Cool stuff and people from days gone by
9. Hollywood Squares bound--Stars on the fasttrack to nowhere
10. The energetic capacity of the human body

The polls are open!

One more thing...

I just saw an episode of the Family Guy and they totally referrenced "Breakin 2."

Brilliant!

The countdown

1. Only one more day to find out what's in that damn hatch! I thinking the hatch will contain Richard Hatch and hatchet.
2. Less than one month till the warriors come out to play on the PS2 courtesey of those devilish developers at Rockstar Games. I may very well call in sick for that entire week. Can you dig it suckaz!
3. Two months till Walk the line hits the big screen. Even cooler, is the fact that Shepard Fairey of Obey the Giant fame designed the movie's poster.

Topic15 NEWSFLASH!

This just in...

A line of cocaine was spotted snorting Kate Moss in London Underground's Waterloo Station. The drug's rep was unavailable for comment at the time of press.

Until recently illegal substance abuse of Kate Moss (or special K as it is referred to on the street) was seeing a decline, sparked by the availability of more potent addictive substances such as the Family Guy. Experts attribute the recent resurgence as an anomaly resulting from a summer peppered with reruns and global climate shifts.

25 Useless facts...

C'mon, you know you love them! (side comments in red)--Sorry for the B-league posts, I actually have to do some work from time to time.

1. Butterflies taste with their feet.
2. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. (According to mythbusters, this is a lie, the acoustic signature of the quack mirrors and masks the echo)
3. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
4. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
5. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
6. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.(100% of NY cabbies are d!ckheads)
7. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
8. Elephants (and Star Jones) are the only animals that can't jump.
9. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older (only one person in four billion will give a crap).
10. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
11. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
12. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
13. A snail can sleep for three years (rookie, I slept all four years through high school).
14. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH" (or purple, unless you count nurple).
15. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
16. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and earsnever stop growing.
17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
18. All polar bears are left handed.
19. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using theletters only on one row of the keyboard.
22. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
23. "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
24. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
25. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Das Hip Hop Natione

Would you believe it if I told you that behind the United States, (and for some crazy reason, France) that Germany is the world's third largest hip hop nation?

Oh yes, it's true. One hour of german MTV and a trip on the subway is all the evidence you will need. Man, the graffiti stylings are everywhere and straight out of beat streat or wild style. I was pretty much expecting the german version of Ozone, Turbo, and Special K to jump on the train and start breakin their way down the aisle. No such luck.

As for groups, well a trio know as Fettes Brot was getting heavy rotation on MTV. Literally translated, their name means "Fat Bread." I wonder if something was lost in translation. Who knows. MTV was also peppered with domestic hip hop essentials such as Eminem and Wu-tang clan.

No good examples of fashion to speak, well unless of course you consider some fantastic Kobe Bryant pants.

Did I buy them? Hmmm, well you'll just have to wait and see. (note1 there is a real earing in the jeans in Kobe's ear)

So thus far, I have briefly painted a picture of the general adoption of the hip hop lifestyle among the german youth. What's missing? Well how about violent crime? Virtually non-existant.

An interesting observation in light of the criticism this form of music often receives. If listening to hip-hop has the ability to corrupt the moral fiber of the youth and produce criminals (or at a minimum, encourage criminal exploits), why then is this result not replicated in Germany?

Is it the disparate population density as compared to the US?

How about the general better standard of living?

Could it be the gummi bears?

Probably because of the McBeir.

Doodoo doo doo doo Ich Liebe Es!

Being a typical american in a european country, where do I decide to go eat?

Ah yes, the allure of the golden arches in a foreign land, drew me in like a moth to a flame.

Now before you go all flip wilson about my total and utter lack of culture, let me make two points in my defense.

#1 Nearly everything in germany has some sort of pork or beef byproduct incorporated into to it. Seeing as I don't dine on swine or chow on cow, this leaves me menually challenged at most places.

#2 Secondly and most importantly, you can order a McBier (that's beer is a shiesty cardboard Mikky-deez cup and no, you can't super size it). Let me tell you, I think those folks straight jacked my recipe for Honkey Mcghee cause that is EXACTLY what the McBier tasted like. After my child-sized cup, I felt as if I were punched right in the Medulla Oblongata with a roll of euros.

Next stop... Zurich.

Essential Tracks circa 25-aug-2005

In no particular order...

Gorillaz --"Dirty Harry"-- from Demon Days--good times

Gorillaz --"Dare"-- from Demon Days -- follow-up to feel good inc

Unity --I Love You [Ben Watt Blackness of Night Mix]-- from Buzzin Fly Volume Two--this track is spot on, wish I could find on it wax.

Nookie--Better Love -- from Buzzin Fly Volume Two -- reminds me of a rip off of an older track that you can't find anymore (remix of electric barbarella I think)

Old Crow Medicine Show--"Hard to tell" -- from OCMS New skool/old skool bluegrass

Umphrey's McGee -- "In the kitchen"-- from Anchor Drops--heard it on the flight over, has potential

Johnny Cash -- "City of New Orleans" -- harder to find than you think

Deep Dish --"Dreams" ft. stevie nicks -- from George is on -- Yet another yummy remix of fleetwoodmactypestuff

Psy Craft Feat. DJ Guy Salama--“Alegria”-- from Bpm Fm Trance On Air --hottest jams from the israeli dance scene.

No matter where you go, there you are

I am in munich with a room full of people speaking german. I am drink a bottle of Adelholzener. I am not sure if it is alcoholic. I have been up for 26 hours straight. I really don't care.

Turns out my fear of german cabs was totally unfounded in all aspects less a financial sense. The cabs are mercedes and quite clean. They drive fast, but I guess that's what you'd expect in the land of the autobahn. They cost a lot. I think my cab ride from the airport ended up costing close to $100. Yikes! Stupid ole euro conversion.

Adventures in NY cabs

After returning from new york last night, I have decided to become a red sox fan. Not because I like Boston or even baseball for that matter, but for the sheer hatred of New York Cabs.

Example #1
After exiting Penn Station, I was greeted by a cab liason. He instructed me that he had a cab waiting just down the block (thus avoiding the long cab line) that would get me to my hotel for $12.50. Silly me, fell hook line and sinker and paid him as he loaded my bag into the cab. A block later I was in the cab realizing the liason had no affilition with the cabbie and I was out the money. When I explained the situation to the cabbie, he tried to kick me out of the cab.

Example #2
After realizing there are two Park avenues (north vs south) and that I was at the wrong one a few minutes before my meeting, I dared try the cab experience again (this time keeping a sharp eye out for any so called liasons). I found one on my own, only to discover it was his second day on the job, and probably third in the country. When he started asking me for directions, I knew my bad cab luck was still hanging around my neck. Thankfully, we found the place.

Example #3
In true cabbie fashion, the third gentlemen educated me to the versatility to the F word. Did you ever watch the smurfs? If so, remember how every third word was smurf, smurfing, smurfer, muthasmurfer, smurf you, you muthasmurfing smurf? Well, it was like that, except for the fact that he wasn't dropping smurf bombs, rather the F-word.

Example #4
Cabbie number four was busy talking on his cell phone the entire time. Me managed to run several people off the road, scared native new yorkers out of the cross walks, re-ended another cab, then drove off before I could grab my bag out of his open trunk. For once, rush hour was a blessing and I caught up on foot to grab the bag, but failed to shut the trunk. A block later, NYPD pulled the cabbie over for driving with his trunk open. At least there was some form of instant karma.

Now I am off to Germany and shudder to think what the cabbies there will be like.

Movin on up!

So the whole moving process is proving to be an adventure in stupidity in and of itself.

Exhibit A, a letter we recently received from a company call budget movers.

Okay, the name alone is questionable but the letterhead pretty much guarantees that they are going to either drop your isht or run off with it.

Exhibit B, a movers kit purchased from costco.

While the kit is seems rather innocuous, its contribution to the stupidity of society comes from a footnoted disclaimer hidden in the top right corner of the box.

"Truck not included." No kidding, sherlock. I was under the impression that the box which fit in the back of the imprezza also contained an 18 wheeler. I would give them points for the inclusion of a period. Then again, the glaring omission of a verb doesn't exactly necessitate the requirement for proper punctuation.

In totally unrelated news, I finally fell under Chester Cheetah's pizzalicious spell.

It was only a matter of time.

Finally, I will be on blog hiatus for the next two weeks as I will be in Europe in search of new and interesting 40s for next year's summer party.

Ciao.

1992 rap ownz joo!

Being the sucker for sleep, I implored shannon to lay the smackdown on the snooze button a few extra times this morning, thus I missed my daily installment of Huggy Lowdown on the ride into work.

Instead, I was treated to DJ Rico's morning megamix which consisted largely of tasty funk fueled old school jams from the black michael jackson, Beverly and Maze, and half a dozen other artists you wouldn't necessarily recognize by name, but by their hooks which have peppered all aspects of hip hop production. Rico slipped the much neglected Digital Underground gem, "same song" in the mix and I noticed several interesting things.

Well, two interesting things...

1. The song featured a cameo from Tupac Shakur (he was briefly a backup dancer for DU). I could probably write an entire post on the irony of Tupac getting his start in Hip Hop as a back-up dance for an east coast based rap group. Tupac later went on to become a major
player in the whole east coast/west coast beef which ultimately resulted in his death and the subsequent death of perhaps the greatest mc of all times Christopher Wallace AKA Biggie Smalls AKA the Notorious BIG AKA the black frank white.

2. What really jumped out was the mention of jimmy hats. Aw man, what a throw back! You never hear rappers talk about jimmy hats any more, but back in the early 1990s everyone from Ice Cube "Giving up the Nappy Dugout" to BBD "Do me" was rapping the praises and
importance of the J-to the-I-to the-M-to the-M-to the Y.

There are several points I wish to make here. First, rapping about jimmy hats is funny, hence blogging about rapping about jimmy hats is a jovial way to kick off the weekend.

Furthermore, if one were so inclined to do a content analysis of all chart rated rap music today as compared to 1992 the proportion of jimmy hat dedicated lyrics has dried up (which is equally as bad for jimmy hats as for their related lyrics).

While a rather cheeky observation on the surface, it actually has some rather interesting implications as seen through the social consciousness of rap music. It's just not there anymore, or atleast nowhere near the magnitude as it was in the early 90s and that is a sad thing.

Not that I need a strong social message with my music. If fact, forsome time, I was quite a fan of Akinyele 's "Put it in your mouth" but that's a whole nother story. The decline in social views is a symptom of a more disturbing underlying cause, the commercialization of the music.

1992 rap minus large number of labels minus artist diversity minus actual artists plus MTV = crap like Nelly/songs about rims to thefourth power of bling.

According to a friend of mine from grad school, it is all part of the natural life cycle of music and indicates the progression of the genre as a whole towards acceptance in the artistic community.

According to me, it's crap. Bring back the Lords of the Underground! Give me my Poor Righteous Teachers and Special Eds! Can Wu-Tang survive without ODB? Where is that money Queen Latifah jam UNITY? What is Big Daddy Kane up to these days and does his masterful thesis, "Pimpin ain't easy" still hold true?

All ghosts of a bygone era, but hey I hear A tribe called qwest is getting back together so I will take what I can get at this point. Until then, I will seek comfort in my cassette singles of Das EFX andEPMD (even if I don't have a place to play them).

Three reasons to love Battle of Reality TV Network Stars

1. The premier episode featured "the swan" beating a midget with a stick

2. Showbiz dad Duncan Nutter AKA Dunk Nutt

3. Previews offer a teaser of what is to come in future episodes... dodge ball, mechanical bulls, and mexican belt fighting

that is all.

* on a side note if anyone can verfiy or better yet produce photographic evidence of a rumored eskimo tradition of pushing the elderly out to sea on an iceberg, please send it my way.

So long germantown...

As my good friend snoop dog would say...We got a contrizzle on our townhizzle, fo' shizzle my nizzle.

Data suggests it is a really nice area.

One friend even remarked, wow, you must be living in a nice area, your trashman is white.

Personal experience begs to differ.

Consider last year's visit from Ghetto Santa (instead of sliding down the chimney and leaving gifts, he breaks the sliding glass door and steals all of your PS2 games).

Or the whole "snowball" incident where I chased down local hoodlums throwing snowballs at cars only to catch the fat one and subject him a good bout of psychological torture (I would have much rather numchucked him, but my chux were at home). He finally gave up the info on his friends and where he lived as a sort of a plea bargain to avoid being turn over to the police which were "en route" as we spoke.

Not to mention the minor issues with gangs, carjacking or rape.

Somehow the neighborhood pool, walking trail, and local dutch market don't really offset that titanically tumultuous trio --special shout-out to my alliteration posse! Can I get a what-what!

Time to get the F' outta dodge.

So long germantown. I'll miss you and your low rent crime ridden populous.

Siiiiiiiiiike!

take that germantown.

busted!

WWJD?

What Would Johnny Do?

"I did not vote for Mr. Bush, let's leave it at that." –Johnny Cash

Time for a tribute to a man's man, a man's man in black, Mr. Johnny Cash with a series of interesting trivia tidbits compiled from da net.

After years of berserk drug-guzzling, Johnny Cash cleaned up his act, only to be unseated from 'the wagon' by a bizarre series of events in the early 1980s. Johnny Cash was attacked on his game farm by a belligerent ostrich named Waldo. The incident resulted in the hospitalization of Cash with five broken ribs [and a gash in his stomach nearly disemboweling the Man in Black]. He was put onto pain killers to survive the critical injuries and quickly became an addict again. While recovering, Cash stole cards of Valium and stashed them under his bandages, where they leaked directly into his wounds. Hospital staff were at a loss to explain the singer's comatose appearance until he came to long enough to point to his bandages and avert a near-fatal overdose. He checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic, successfully quit pain killers, and made friends with Ozzy Osbourne while at the Clinic.

Cash and "American Recordings" posted a thank you to the Nashville country music industry in Billboard Magazine after winning the Grammy for best country record for "Unchained" in the form of the infamous photo of Johnny angrily giving the middle finger to the camera taken back in 1969 during his San Quentin prison performance. Cash did this because he was enraged by Nashville having pretty much left behind him and other aging "country" artists who had defined the genre to make room for the more pop-oriented new country artists, like Garth Brooks.

Elvis Presley, Hank Williams, and Johnny are the only 3 musicians to have been inducted both to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame and the Country Music Hall of Fame. Cash's career was at an all-time low in the 1980s and he realized his record label of nearly 30 years, Columbia, was growing to indifferent to Cash and marketing him, and to kill the relationship with the label before they did, Cash recorded "Chicken in Black." An intentionally awful song about Johnny's brain being transplanted to a chicken, it ironically turned out to be a larger commercial success than any of his other recent material. However, it wasn't long after "Chicken in Black" that Columbia and Cash parted ways.

One day in 1963, Johnny Cash visited a national wildlife refuge in California. Cash enjoyed himself thoroughly, until, he later claimed, some oil from his camper ignited the surrounding grass. The resulting fire destroyed 500 acres of parkland. In court, Cash was asked whether he himself had started the blaze. "No," he replied. "My truck did, and it's dead now so you can't question it." Cash was subsequently fined $125,000.

In his song "Man in Black" he explained that he wore predominately black clothing to honor and remind others of the suffering of the world's poor and oppressed.

And it's not even photoshopped!

Limited edition prints of the Nabob's masterpiece, "Weezy in the Weeds" available soon.

Mixed Messages

Don't you just love it when people say one thing and then do something that totally flies in the face of their previous statement?

So, I was driving home from work last friday (or perhaps the friday before that) listening to WKYS raising the roof like a car packed with AKAs from Wyoming when the DJ touts the radio station's latest and greatest promotion, free gas fridays. He further explains that there had been several accidents caused by people rushing in for the petrol gratis and implored listeners to please take their time and drive carefully.

The aforemention statement of warning was then followed by "oh yeah and we are giving away free Popeye's for the next ten minutes."

Are you kidding me?

As if giving away free gas in the city wasn't enough to cause accidents and potential riots, they decided to kick it up a notch with a limited supply of fried chicken. I nearly did a 180 on 495 when I heard that myself. I have friends that will straight murder your a$$ for some of the sweet sweet cajun battered delight. Quite frankly I am surprised the city is still standing.

Curses!

So... I went to Borders/Barnes and Noble/whatever that big book store is in Reston Town Center at lunch and looked for a good twenty minutes for that damn book. Of course, they didn't have one of those self-help kiosks when I am looking for a book called "Why do men have nipples?"

When I finally mustered the courage to ask the crotchety old librarian looking lady behind the counter (acknowledging the strong likelihood that I may get slapped or at least garner a questionable look), she simply replied "the nipple book is on back order." (in my mind as I write this, I can't help but think that it would have been exponentially more funny/disturbing if she further abbreviated to 'the nipple is on back order,' but I digress).

Apparently the book is quite popular. Second only to Harry Potter on Amazon's best sellers of the last 10 minutes.

HMMMM, maybe someone should write a book "why does harry potter have nipples?" Maybe that's what the ole bird JK has in store for next year.

Simple logic suggests that book would REALLY be a top seller. I bet Michael Jackson would buy a couple thousand copies alone.

El topicos Galoreos!

Somebody's going to the bookstore at lunch time!

I'll have blog fodder for weeks!~

Electrical outlet evil UTZ jezebel

A new indie rock band?

Has Ben finally gone off the deep end?

Am I dreaming and/or did someone spike my coffee with peyote?

No, No, and possibly, but unlikely.

Some of you may have been confused by the first publishing of the previous post and with good reason. For some inexplicable reason when I went to cut and paste this morning's literary masterpiece from MS word, it selectively omitted a paragraph or two and mis-mashed my links for good measure.

The result? Utter confusion and probably a stock market crash on Mars (you know that whole butterfly effect/chaos theory mumbo jumbo).

Sorry bout that!

Technology! you rascally old so and so!

What’s the deal pickles? Is everything kosher?

Ah yes, the fine words of wisdom from one Huggy Low down, the D.C. Metropolitan area’s favorite celebrity snitch and until 8:07 this morning -- my latest guilty pleasure of the moment.

Every morning around 6:50 Donnie Simpson (no relation to homer—he’s a morning radio personality on WPGC) receives a check in from Mr. Low Down. The typical HLD conversation goes something like “Donnie?...Donnie?......Donnie?...hehe…you not gonna believe this” Followed by some relevant celebrity gossip and closed with calling Bobby Brown a “bama.” I think BB has held the bama of the week crown for the past month and a half.

This morning, however, there was a changing of the guard. After listening to Huggy Lowdown blame mayor Williams for the lack of an electrical outlet at Haines point, I pulled into 7-11 for the breakfast of champions, diet pepsi and a met-rx protien bar. Enroute to the counter, the evil Utz Jezebel Temptress threw my diet the mother of all curveballs, cheesey pizza cheese puffs.

Are you kidding me? Cheesey poofs and pizza goodness in a single package? Say hello to my new vice (in theory as I didn’t actually make the purchase as I fear my expectations will far exceed the experience must less justify the obscene amount of cardio required to offset what I assume to be crunchy-pizza-cheese-alicious bliss). Damn you Salie Utz! Damn you straight to hell!