Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh They say it's your birthday!

Happy birthday Weezie!

According to the Washington Post's Miss Cleo wanna be....

Pisces February 19 - March 20
For Tuesday, February 21 -You've decided that rather than being a follower -- even though you're always extremely choosy about whom you follow -- you're better suited to being a leader. Well, good for you. Bet your appreciative audience will agree -- not to mention the folks under your 'command' who'll be amazed and astounded at your leadership abilities. See? Just because you're quietly powerful doesn't mean you won't be effective.

I give those smokers 2 years. Tops. Oh and Brendan Fraiser...watch your back.

Have fun and party like a sock monkey.

Lordz of the Underground

A few years back I saw this super swank artwork for sale on ebay. It was from some studio in London and some bloody tosser ran the bid up far past what I was willing to pay.

Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It also happens to be several hundred dollars cheaper. Thanks to a few 50% off Michael's coupons, a couple of canvases, some paint and a little too much free time, I now have my very own piece of london stlyee hanging on my walls.



Is it perfect? No. But neither are you and that's just fine. You both have "personality."

On a side note, peep the swank coffee table that I made for the beyonce many moons ago. There is a quant little story to go along with it.

For a long time my boo's apartment was sans coffee table and it was cool. I, however, thought it to be neat to build her a custom made one in my free time. I was 90% complete before we were going to use her apartment as the launch pad for the first (and last) boys night out. At this juncture she realized that the lack of a coffee table was simply unacceptable and was going to run out and buy one really quick like.

I was nearly finished with the table and wanted to keep it a surprise. At the same time I didn't want to have her run out and buy one. Despite my best tap dancing, she remained unwavered in her decision. Thankfully, nothing caught her eye at target and Ikea was a bit too far for such short notice, so we ended up with a temporary solution of a footlocker and I was able to deliver the goods shortly thereafter.

Awwwwwww. Isn't that special.

OG VP Gets busy

And in the news this week, the vice president decides to take a vacation, pops a cap in his friend's grill.

Lord of the bling

What goes better with this than this?

Can you say co-opt?

A guy walks into a talent agent's office...

Aristocrats = aristocrap.

Perhaps the one saving grace is that buried deep within the recesses of the special features is a clip from the amazing Jonathan where he tells one of his favorite jokes. This joke also serves as his litmus test as to whether or not a person is fun to hang out with. If they laugh, they are in the inner circle. If not, he immediately breaks their neck (no not really, he just doesn't think they are as fun to hang out with).

I am pleased to say I am among the fun crowd. I will do my best to recount the joke here...

Two old friends meet up, by chance, after not seeing one another for many years. One friend immediately notices the other has gone through some pretty significant changes. He has a beautiful wife and based on his appearance he is extremely affluent. His head is three times the normal size, perfectly round, and colored orange. The friend's curiosity gets the best so he asks,

Friend1 "Wow you sure have changed what happened?"

Orangey "While travelling in the Congo, I discovered a lamp and decided to rub it for shitz and grins."

Friend1 "Did anything happen?"

Orangey "Believe it or not, a genie came out and granted me 3 wishes."

Friend1 "What did you wish for?"

Orangey "First wish was for a beautiful wife. Second wish was to be rich beyond my wildest dream, then I think I went terribly wrong with the third wish."

Friend1 "Oh yeah, how so?"

Orangey "I wished for a really big round orange head."

I am chuckling even writing that.

Yeah, so sue me, I am easy to please.

Anyhow, speaking of crappy I don't get it humor, I just wrapped up another AV project for your viewing pleasure.

Just for some backstory, my dad is credited with the concept as well as the original execution. One day back in the 80s, he daisy chained 2 vcrs together and manually looped a clip from suddenly. I thought it was equally, if not more, enjoyable than the orange head joke.

So here it is.

You learn quick, grasshoppa!

HIYA!

another oldie but goodie.

Movie time

Deniro had Heat and Casino in a single year.

Gary Busey plays a crazy doctor in this and a crazy gingerbread man in this.

Christ. I am going home to eat some twizzlers now.

Was I dreaming?

I distinctly remember gazing over to the drink cart on my Air France flight from Paris a few weeks ago and seeing a PBR branded bottle of spring water. I pointed it out to melady and she saw it too, yet despite google's best efforts, it does not seem to exist.

Nor does Barbara, a swiss beer that tasted deliciously like OE 800.

Could Google be holding out on us?

2nd hand chicken wings?

Anyone? Anyone?

That superbowl was just plain trifling.

Thanks FCC for throwing ad execs back to the age of the puritans thus resulting in perhaps the worst batch of commercials on record.

And thanks seahawks for managing the clock like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. You only cost me 100 frosties in the first quarter.

Whitexploitation

Speaking of new twists on old favorites, I recently gots me a digital AV convert that allows you to knock the dust off those VHS tapes and welcome them to the digital age.

I can't seem to get the audio track to work, so I am forced to Remix the audio.

I took a friend's project and threw on some new audio and voila! I think I just created a new genre.

Have a looksee.

A new twist on an old favorite...

The Tony Danza = Yelling "Who's the Boss?" after delivering a Donkey Punch.

Instant Classic.

Simian Survivor

Did anyone actually watch survivor last night?

If so, did you catch how survivor Dan came clean about being a former astronaught?

Obviously from when NASA was still sending albino monkeys into space.



Did you see how crazy he went in the previews when Probst revealled the reward challenge was a bunch of bananas?

And in the news today...

Back to back headlines on CNN

• Boy enters elephant's open-air cage, is crushed to death
• Lindsay Lohan injured in teacup accident

How does a teacup injury come that close to an elephant trampling?

What really happened...

Off the Wall, Rock with You, PYT, Billie Jean all seminal MJ before that fateful day of 01-27-84, the day the pepsi ad execs decided to pull the ultimate snafu in marketing history, combining MJ's highly volatile jheri curls with pyro-technics.

You see, when MJ's afro went ablaze, the news media failed to uncover the true story of what became of the king of pop following his being whisked away in the ambulance.

They would have you believe that he only suffered horrific burns when the fact of the matter is that the real MJ perished on route to the burn center.

Knowing the consequences of loosing their cash cow (anyone remember Captain EO from the Epcot center?), experts from Disney were brought in immediately to see what could be done. While technologically primitive at the time, the folks from the magic kingdom were no strangers to animatronics and they decided to rebuild MJ as a cyborg.

A famous sociologist once said that society is the acculmulation of unintended consequences and here is a most blatant example. You see, Disney programmers have always geared their products towards a very specific audience, children. Their animatronics crew was no exception. The under the surface of the new bionic MJ resided circuitry with a a single focus, children.

No one could foresee the inevitability that has become the current MJ, nor that the magic of Beat It or Thriller could be mechanically replicated, nor that shoddy 80s material used in the construction would rapidly deteriorate in the 90s. It is a little known fact that MJ's nose was constructed out of Shrinkee dinks and Hubba Bubba chewing gum, hence its subsequent shrinkage.

So sad it is when man attempts to play god.

Guess what happened 3 days and 12 years ago?

This.

The aforelinked (I may have just coined a term there) has implications like you wouldn't believe. I will write about them later this evening.

Until then enjoy this bit-o-irony from the Egypt trip...

While shopping in the local bazaar, I found Cairo's equivalent to Victoria's Secret. It was a stall-shop stocked with scanty lingerie. The lady who owned the shop was dressed in a burka (that's the head-to-toe robe where you can only see the eyes of the wearer).

Burn in Germantown, hell.

You're probably thinking "Don't you mean, 'Burn in hell, Germantown?' in the title," right?

No, I standfast behind my original title. Dig around in the archives to the late August/September timeframe and you will find my 3/4 serious: 1/4 tongue-n-cheek tirade on moving out of that forsaken place.

Now, I am starting to believe that Germantown is not at parity with hell, but in fact, a much worse place.

Here I sit at my hotel in Egypt, far far away from the United States as a collective, much less its smaller municipalities. Here I scan the headlines of the Egyptian gazette which has been largely focused on the African World Cup Soccer Tournament currently being held in Cairo. Here I rub my eyes in disbelief, pinch myself twice and call the front desk to see if I am dreaming as Germantown makes the front page of the Egyptian Gazette newspaper for a day care centre shooting.

So please, if you go to review my previous article on the exodus out of the big Germ, please disregard the aforementioned recipe of 3/4 serious, and replace with 110% serious.


In other news, Michael Jackson was spotted in Bahrain dressed like a woman.

In other other news, a man from Bogota employed an unconventional cure for his nephew's hiccups. He shot him. According to witnesses he was only trying to scare him. The uncle then "scared" himself because he felt so distraught.

I'm pretty sure that's a first...

So the other day, me and meladyfriend crawled down a laundry-shoot sized shaft into the center chamber of the Red Pyramid in Dashur. The air was ripe with anominia-esque musk of guano. It was eeirly quiet. That is until I bellowed out "ANDIE! YOU GOONIE!"

I couldn't help myself cause based on visual inspection of the interior, I was pretty much convinced that's where they shot the well scene. The acoustic qualities of my voice echoing throughout the chamber only confirmed my hypothesis.

So, what else have I been up to?

I've come close to being run down like forrest gump on average 3.2 times per day. Traffic patterns here are much like Calcutta, only with better roads. The guide book describes it as the chariot scene from Ben Hur only with Fiats, Ladas, and Skodas (those are common egyptian cars).

I made a trip to the Egyptian museum and saw King Tut's booty. Let me clarify, I saw King Tut's treasure, not his ass. They charge extra for that.

I had a can of "Batman Blast" soda which tasted unnaturally gross.

For lunch I went to Felfela. As far as reviews go, the jury is out on that place as to whether it is a tourist trap or good Egyptian eats. Honestly, it's a little of both, and personally, I think it's good to be on the safe side with the food. I had Fuul (think of refried beans --before they were refried doused with oil, onions and garlic), Tahina (paste made from sesame seeds and spices), Shammy (pita bread) and Ta'amiya (a fried patty of mashed fava beans). The jury is still out on my breath after a meal like that. I think it can either cure cancer or perhaps cause it.

Well I am going to go watch the Oliver Giessen Show. It's like Jerry Springer, but in German.

Later tonight a once in a lifetime boat ride on the Nile.

One more thing...

Is it wrong to wish death upon a child?

On the plane ride to Paris, I had the distinct pleasure of sitting about 6 rows away from a 6 year old child who whined incessantly for the 6 hour flight. And not just any ole whining, whining in french. Needless to say sleep was limited at best.

Now anyone programmed from Lost probably picked up on the connection here, but for the less astute...

6 year old child, 6 rows away, 6 hour flight... it was obviously the devil, so while generally wishing death upon a child is not socially acceptable, I think it's ok in this case. Maybe I will give some beggars some money just to be on the safe side.

Besides, you really have to be careful about what you wish on other people. Or at least I do.

There was this onetime in 3rd or 4th grade that we got this new student in class and he was a really uppity prick for being the new kid. One recess he was showboating on the b-ball courts I thought to myself, that kid really needs to be checked. Then WHAM the left wing of a Cessna fell out of the sky and severed his legs. Ok, that didn't happen, but he did miss a pass and got hit in the head with football, fell over, hit his head and lost a tooth.

Then in 6th grade I transferred to a new school. Knowing the consequences of being a new kid and acting up, I tried my best to keep a low profile. Unfortunately, trouble has a habit of finding me. What made matters worse was trouble came in the form of a loud mouthed 5th grader. Can you believe the balls of these kids? A 5th grader talking unprovoked smack to his elders? Well I returneth the smacktalk with a bit of the ole evil eye. Two weeks later he was diagnosed with brain cancer. I shiteth you not.

I think this evil eye power is hereditary. Mostly from my dad's side. A few years ago, well more like five or six years ago, there was a similar experience. I was home for the summer from grad school and working as a mechanics helper. The mechanic had to go away for a few days and I promised to take care of his business in his absence. During this time, I had to deliver the title for a car to an auction for the mechanic's neighbor. I did, but this neighbor wasn't too bright and for some reason thought I didn't do what I promised to do. He called my dad with his panties in a twist and started talking some out-of-pocket shit, grilling him and general being disrespectful. I don't know what my dad said to him, but I do know that a short while later the dude collapsed in his garage and died from some freakish undiscovered tumor.

So, that's all I have to say about that.

A kick in the McNutz

Dammit cubed.

A 2400 meter hike to the closest McDonald's revealed a startling fact...The McFelafel is no longer being made.

My consolation meal was a "McArabia" grilled chicken sandwich.

Mcshit.

Oh well, at least there was a mirage megastore (Virgin megastore with less racy name) nearby according to my map. Guess what? The megastore went the way of the Mcfelafel. I wandered around for 2 hours looking for that son-of-a-bitch like it was platform 14.5 from harry potter.

No luck.

As I made the trek back to the hotel, I had a totally new experience. While crossing a bridge over the Nile a wind kicked up and actually blew dirt off the river onto me. Yes dirt.

Mcnasty.

As a final stop on my Monday excursion, I hit up Drinkie's, the local beer store and snatched up an interesting assortment of beverages which I will spend the rest of the afternoon sampling.

Here's what's on the menu...

1. Stella export Lager Beer (not to be confused with the Stella you are thinking of)

2. Meister Max (twice the punch of that wussy regular meister)

3. Chill Arack Ice (looks interesting, possibly deadly)

4. Chill Margarita (yummy).

I'll report on the findings later.

Fien Mcfelafel?

There's only one way to to deal with the morning after a late night filled with Meister Max swilling and Sheesha dragging...

the search for the elusive McFelafel extra value meal.

All this fried bean goodness for less than the price of a postage stamp.

Sweeet!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Hang in there!

I'll be on international holiday for the next week and a half so updates may or may not occur on a regularly scheduled basis.

Amazing personality Test.

Courtesy of my cousin who works for Miller Brewing...

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

They are:
>a. Apple
>b. Banana
>c. Strawberry
>d. Peach
>e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?

Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it.

This is great, I was astounded!

Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results:
Please SCROLL DOWN>>>>>>>>>
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

And the results..

are in.

Bum Wine Challenge 2k4

Lest any one forget....

Rather than heed the advice found on this site, three colleagues and I sought to recreate the challenge sans the dawg.

We procurred bottles of the Wild I, T-Bird, Night Train, and Cisco along with 2 cases of PBR for good measure and palate cleansing.

Total cost $25.05.

In a measure of further foolishness, we added a time challenge where the first person finished was the "winner." In some rare cases, the winner is actually the loser. Our Wild I challenger finished his bottle of grape/sand flavored libations in record time. He was shortly thereafter found sending obscene messages via email to the cwine (makers of Wild i) website. Eventually he was the first to pass out and claim his prize (a pair of cheezeit sunglasses). Later he served as a chips-n-salsa bar.

The T-bird contestant became wildly out of control, suffering from delusions that he had become a giant pair of breasts. He proceed to slap everyone in sight until passing out. He now eats but can not get full, believing the bird ate a whole in his stomach.

The night train contestant also suffered from a mild case of paranoia and delusions. He was convinced we had robbed him of his poker earnings when in fact he was merely sitting on them.

I had the distinct pleasure of tussling with liquid crack AKA cisco. The makers of this product may be evil, but at least they are honest. I can personally concur, that it is most definitely "NOT A WINE COOLER." I finished last and suffered the punishment of shotgunning a PBR. As far as punishments go, that is the equivalent of giving someone a "time-out" after being beat with a sock full of quarters for 2 and a half hours.

I'd like to say that we all learn from our mistakes, but am inclined to believe that as soon as my friend regrows his stomach, we will be back for the 2nd annual BWC.

Bum Wine Challenge 2006

Say hello to our second run at the Bum Wine Challenge!

For most people, it takes only one experience of touching a hot stove to learn the lesson.

We laugh at most people.

Don't play in traffic today

Happy friday the 13th.

It's the Internet equivalent of suddenly feeling like you want to take a shower

C'mon you know you want to look!

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines <> Crazy Delicious

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Parnell freestyle as much as the guy, but for sure that combo is anything but crazy delicious.

Let me break it down for you. Mr Pibb is nothing more than a 2 -cent whore knockoff of the highend call girl Dr. Pepper. And despite the class disparity Dr. Pepper is still a trick. C'mon people it is rumored to be prune soda.

The bottles used to have a 10 a 2 and a 4 on them because that's when you should have a little bit of the doctor to keep things flowing properly. I've also heard that they did research on blood sugar levels and found by supplementing a diet with a can of soda at these times prevents a significant drop in blood sugar levels but that's besides the point.

Perhaps the best evidence of its inherent nastiness comes in the form of the ultimate bootleg, generic Safeway soda and their shot at replicating the Pep...Dr. Popper. This 25 cents per can slush had the tagline "It's the soda with that fruity-nutty cola flavor." I read that (sadly) after finishing a can in 5th grade and threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Fruit and Nuts in cola? I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth just now at the very prospect. The power of the mind people, c'mon!

So basically the bullet point of the presentation thus far would be Mr. Pibb is disgusting.

On to the red vines....

I bought a pack of these at target and asked myself, I wonder how many packages of Red Vines were sold after seeing the Narnia rap? I know that led me to try them for the very first time. I was super excited as the thumbnail into the package test indicated the vines were very fresh, not all old, hard and crusty like something that is old hard and crusty.

I broke them out later that night while watching a movie and was ready to slap the taste out of those damn SNL rappers mouths. The taste buds were expecting something along the lines of twizzlers. The taste buds were greeted with some vile concoction resembling a cross between pepto bismal and moldy bread. With the exception of those chaukly pink candies that taste like pepto bismal, red vines are quite arguably the ass-nastiest candy on the block.


While I have no doubt they belong in the same boat as Mr. Pibb, my contention is in the destination of said boat. Most certainly not Crazy-delicious-ville, more likely Dundalk.

Try it, everybody's doing it

When I bought my Subaru station wagon a little over six months ago, little did I know that I was ahead of the curve.

Now everyone is trying to capitalize on wagon leniency, including Lamborghini...

Yeah, that's right. Stationwagons are the new black.

Not for human consumption

I should totally enter this.

It's a contest for stupid warning labels ala don't store your baby in this box.

Here are a few gems...

A warning label found on a bottle of dried bobcat urine made to keep rodents and other pests away from garden plants says: “Not for human consumption.”

A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”

A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”

A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”

The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.”
A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.”

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place” *** on a side note, I have done this***

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”

A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof.”

A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”

Monsters in the Closet

When I was just a wee laddie, I had a penchant for spending most nights sleeping on the living room couch. Aesthetically, the couch was 1970s distasteful at best, had all the aromatic qualities of a bus full of old people, and was covered in a material that would make a burlap sack feel like the finest silk. Still I was insistent on sleeping there and did so until I was probably 7 or 8 years of age.

I don't remember why this was the case as much as that it just was the case. Call it a toddler reified belief.

My parents chalked it up to me being a needy child or perhaps having an overactive imagination of monsters in the closet. I can't say I blame them. I was needy and did, in fact, have an invisible (not imaginary mind you) friend named Nivan (pronounced NEYE-VAN like Ivan with an N) that lived in our vacuum cleaner.

Then, just recently, at Christmas dinner, the explanation emerged courtesy of my older sister.

You see, back in those dark ages me and the sister didn't get along at all. In fact, I was pretty much convinced she was the devil. As most older sisters she was often charged with babysitting me. Unlike most older sisters, her definition of babysitting me was to exploit my fear of sharp objects by threatening to stick me with a thumb tack if I didn't sit on the floor quietly while she watched The Osmonds or The Brady Bunch. Heaven forbid I ask to watch the Price is Right. That would result in a call directly to Santa Clause with report of being a bad child. This threat was soon null after she told me there was no Santa and subsequently replaced with a greater threat of calling my step-grandfather who is arguably the meanest whiteman on this side of the Altantic.


But that's all in the past.

So anyhow, somehow the holiday dinner talk wound its way to childhood memories and monsters in closets. And the following exchange took place:


Sister: "Remember how Ben used to always sleep on the couch?"

Family: "Uh-huh, we couldn't figure out what the deal was."

Sister: "Remember how our closets had spooky crawlspaces that connected the bedrooms and there was a hidden door that popped out of the wall in Ben's room?"

Family: "Yes."

Satan: "Yeah well I thought it might be a good idea to sneak through the closet and pop out and scare Ben one night"

Family: "Are you serious?"

Beezlebub: "Yeah, I was wearing a wolf's mask too."

Family: "Did you really?"

Old Scratch: "Sure did. I jumped out and scared him good."

Family: "How old was Ben at the time?"

Lucifer: "Probably 5 or 6."

Family: "That's gonna generate some bad karma!"

El Diablo: "Yeah, probably"

Family: "So then what happened?"

Girl with Horns and pitchfork: "I ran back to my room and pretended to be asleep, but not before hiding the mask."

Family: "- -"

Sister: "I tried not to laugh as I overheard you trying to convince Ben that there were no such things as monsters in his closet as you walked him back into his room."

Family: "Geez. Sorry about that whole giving you a hard time about sleeping on the couch and if you didn't stop you might grow up to be a hobo stuff."

Appie Bithdae Guvness

Sorry for the belated birthday tribute to the one and only bootylicious pegasus but apparently your DOB info was lodged on page 24 of the 50 things you're not supposed to know.

Besides, being on time is sooooooo 2005.

Consider this a fashionably late birthday greeting in a David Letterman top ten fashion.

Ten Reasons why the Governess ownz...

10. Her passionate hatred of brendan fraiser.

9. Used to own the world's worst Volvo and wrote a colorful letter to the owner of said Volvo to prove it.

8. Her bliggity blogging posse got me into bliggety blogging.

7. Has a secret (or not-so-secret) email account under the name "dumpslikeatruck."

5. She invented velcro.

4. She is secretly a super hero. She once sat in battery acid while rescuing a small dog and laughed about it. SHE LAUGHED ABOUT IT!

3. Regularly develops restuarant quality halloween costumes such as the lobster cowboy (which is much like my Nun-pirate-Cowboy concept but in a lobsterific sort of fashion).

2. She can literally dominate a 40 (we'll for the first hour or so).

1. Because that's just how it is.

Big Brother Is Watching

So last year for christmas I got this...

and let me tell you, people have gone to great lengths to withold information from the public.

That's probably not too shocking, however, from the title I fully expected to learn of no less than 50 things that otherwise I would not know.

Evidently someone felt differently...

Yes, in fact, the book just so happens to be missing pages 17 - 32. I guess the title is more truthful than I originally believed. Perhaps the patriot act ate them.

Happy New Years.

Get ur Gleek on

A snap decision at last friday's hockey game resulted in the topic for today's post, gleeking.

gleek v. squirting liquid (including saliva) through the teeth or from under the tongue; less commonly, squirting saliva directly from the saliva glands or expelling liquid through the sinuses.

Actually, I think the inspiraction stemmed from how I accidently gleeked all over the bald man sitting in front of me, then laughed about it with Senor Rob then remarked that I would, in fact, post about it.

I tried to find some interesting material, pictures or perhaps even a guide online, but alas, there is a positive dearth of e-gleeking. I'm not saying there isn't stuff out there, but I expected much more.

Shame on you Internet! You go home and think about what you are missing!

I did, however, find an interesting online dictionary (from where I swiped the def. above). I'll have to peep that mug when I get some free time.

New Year's Resolution

Coming up with a good new year's resolution is pretty much like coming up with a thesis topic. You want it to be both insightful and inciteful and often wait till the last minute and then blurt out whatever comes to your mind (this is, in fact, exactly how I determined my Master's thesis topic "The profitability of socially responsibile business: An emerging reality in the corporate world." --Brief side note--sweet jebus I wish I could still write on that intellectual level but that is besides the point--back to ye olde post...

Past resolutions have been to be more of an a-hole, grow a rat tale, sleep in a card board box, blow a handful of pepper in someone's eye, throw more salt in peoples game, gain 15 pounds of body fat, poke someone with a stick, ride a mechanical bull, learn how to perfectly execute the figure four leg lock then do so on a stranger, answer any question that starts with "can you" with a loud obnoxious "I DUNNO, CAN I" you know typical resolutions.

Until 5 minutes ago, my tentative resolution was to start drinking coffee. Not just any coffee, but nasty coffee. Partly in protest of Starbucks and partly cause it makes a good story. It's all about the good stories people, c'mon!

Then I saw an email which changed EVERYTHING!

Say hello to my new new year's resolution... growing a hair hat.

My only question is, should I go for the tradional style? Or maybe something a little different like the hat to the back or maybe a berret?

I guess I have a week or so to sort that one out.

The Lost!-Patsy Cline-45 RPM Record-Johnny Cash-Hip hop connection

Wow. Now that's quite a string of random thoughts.

Or is it?

Let's take a wonka-esque trip through the wanderings of my mind from earlier today.

So any of you Lost fanatics out there might recognize that the show, particularly episodes that center on Kate, have a tendency to feature music by Patsy Cline. Now generally chances are pretty slim that I would take an umprompted interest in Patsy Cline's music, but the liberal use in Lost was just the catalyst to make that happen.

Connection 1 = Lost --> Interest in Patsy Cline

While doing some last minute stocking stuffer shopping at Target, I came across a budget hits CD for one Patsy Cline, the last one in stock nevertheless. $6.99 for her greatest hits PLUS a DVD documentary on her life? YESSSSS!

I spent most of the day listening to the cd and it is quite good. The average length of each song is 2:34 seconds which is great cause you never get to the point of twang saturation on any one song. Now how in the world could have Patsy Cline realized that twangy ass music gets old after the 3 minute mark? The fact of the matter is this, she didn't. The length of her songs was most likely determined by the popular medium at the time, 45 records, which on average hold just over 2 and 1/2 minutes of music.

Connection 2 = Length of Patsy Cline's songs driven by the 45 record

Being the popular medium, everyone put there music out on 45's. Radio stations based the programming based on the length of 45 records. As paid advertising became more important/promenient so did radio station's program formatting, thus if you were an artist and you wanted airplay, you were limited to make songs that were only a few short minutes.

There is a parrallel here that I wish make. I once read Johnny Cash's thoughts on modern country music and he expressed that country music was once a product of culture, but now country music produces culture. He didn't feel that one form was necessarily any better or worse than the other, just different.

Connection 3 = 45 records shift from product to producer, as did country music.

Ok, you've probably stuck with me so far, but wonder how the heck do you make to hip hop, right?

Well, stand back and watch.

Connection 4 = Fo' shizzle! Holla! Tru dat!


Yup that's it.

No it's not.

I would make the arguement that, believe it or not, Rap and Country music share the same family roots. It's just that one genre is rooted in the farmland and the other on the other side of the tracks.

Both grew from an impoverished seed, told the stories of the source, and sometimes offered a sense of hope or a cap in the ass. Both were 100% products of their culture, both grew in popularity to the point of being raped and pillaged on an industrial scale. Both genres went on to produce culture rather them stem from it. Both genres are considered dead in the eyes of purists or maybe just me. And both can be found on my ipod.

Connection 4 (for real) = Rap music = Country music in terms of the progression/life cycle.

Nothing especially funny here. Just a lot of random thoughts.

Welcome to my mind.

Wu tang muthaf@ckers!

One ticket down the mountain please...

Uncle Liu won't be making it to Christmas dinner this year. He was mildly injured in a log riding incident. He does, however send his well wishes and a fine bottle of saki.

Ok, more lies. My creativity went on strike today along with the NY mass transit system. I don't have an Uncle Liu (but, for what it's worth, I do have an Uncle Lew and as far as I know he doesn't ride trees down mountains). I was just looking for a reason to post this picture.

Doodads.

Oh Doo Dads, Where Art thou?

Just so we are all on the same page here, we are talking about a nabisco snack mix.

If you thought otherwise, congrats on being of the dirty old man school of thought, now get your mind out of the gutter.

Apparently, I am not the only one asking this question.

To the uninitiated, Doo Dads may seem nothing more than 2nd rate chex mix, but to those who remain true to the 80s we know otherwise. And while I am not quite sure why, but just recently the mental ghost of this 80s snack mix has reawoken to haunt my mental wanderings.

For example, in my mind it would make for some great drunken craving ravings. Imagine cruising the aisles of food lion asking random employees where they keep their doo dads? Or the cashier who is forced to ask for a price check on doo dads when you accidently scribble out the bar code? In another demented thought, I wondered what would happen if I went to sit on santa's lap as a 30 year old man and asked for some doo dads for christmas? Yeah, even I think that one may cross a line or two.

Sadly, doo dads are nothing more than a fond memory these days after Nabisco pulled the plug on their production. A google search for nabisco doo dads* reveals the awful truth and the corresponding backlash.

Here are some sample responses:

And then there's Doo-Dads. A thousand curses upon the goat-raping bastards at Nabisco for discontinuing Doo-Dads!

DooDads.... man oh man, right now I'd pay 20.00 for a box. Chex mix that they came out with, I cant stand. It works for now. But man, I love eathing doodads with my mom esp. around christmas time. I thing they took a loss of money they could of made from taking it off the shelf.. unless someone knows where to find ANY!!!!!

More interesting is the following picture I found along my search.

Perhaps it explains the mysterious dissappearance. I guess my only hope is ebay.

*If you decide to google search doo dads, I highly recommend turning on the safe search function. Otherwise, chances are you will end up with a bunch of links to somebody's bean bag.

Merrillze Chistmasdizzle Bizzle

New Christmas Album hittin the streets any day now. We be puttin the holla in holidays YA HEARD!

It's all about the contrast effect...

Before I get too deep into this post, it would serve me well to first explain what the contrast effect is and what it does.

Simpy put, the contrast effect is the alteration of one's perception of a given thing by placing said given thing in juxtaposition (woohoo bonus points for using a big word for side by side) with another thing.

For example, computer literacy/technological saviness were quite different when I was an undergrad. Yes, it's true! Sure we had computers but their saturation was no where near the levels today.

It was a time (albiet the twilight hours) of the DOS prompt, Word Perfect, and a Non-GUI based version of SPSS (scary times for sure). In fact, this was the year before Netscape and other visual based web browsers were even available on campus (although we did have access to the Internet and text based pages).

Needless to say, about the most computers were used for was (a) writing term papers and (b) playing minesweeper.

So on with the story, some classmates and me had to deliver a presentation for our research methods class based on our experiment investigating whether or not people could differentiate Diet vs Regular Dr. Pepper in a blind taste test. Our preparation was rather simply. Get up and talk. We opted to go second.

The first group proceed to pull out a laptop and laser pointer and delivered what, at the time, was pretty much rocket science.

Merlin's Beard! How do you follow that?

Unless we found out the Dr. Pepper cures cancer or maybe the clap, we were pretty much guaranteed a 2nd place finish at best.

My feeble recourse was to open the presentation as follows...

Me: "Before we get start, I just wanted to say two words: Contrast Effect."

The teacher laughed and I knew that we at least had a shot at taking those damn techies down or at a minimum not failing, which was fine by me.


As a second, more contemporaneous example of the contrast effect, for as much of a turd I thought Fantastic Four was, it was pretty much Citzen Kane* as compared to the remake of the Dukes of Hazzard.

As much as I enjoyed the original TV show, truth be told they did not set the bar exceptionally high. So to screw up the movie is the equivalent of screwing up the task of boiling water.

A blonde Daisy Duke? A dark, brooding Roscoe? An uncle Jessy that smokes pot out of an apple? Hazzard County THIS IS NOT! Tom Wopat** is rolling over in his grave right now.



* I never saw Citizen Kane, but I once read it was good. BTW Rosebud was his sleigh. He musta been a weirdo or something, I mean the dude is about to punch out and he starts going on about his sled? I hope he was drugged with Hippo Tranqs or something.

** Technically speaking Tom Wopat is not dead, but if he were, you bet your ass he'd be rolling like it was his job.

Fantastic Four Questions

I watched Fantastic Four last night and as far as I am concerned, it raised far too many thought provoking questions for the mindless sort of action film genre from which it comes.

In fact, the final confrontation includes a question that asks something to the effect of "Do you know what happens when you rapidly cool super hot metal?" No, actually I don't. Thanks for making me feel stupid and thanks some more for not answering the question you hoser.

There are others as well. For instance, when Ben Grimm becomes "the thing" where does his forth finger go? God only knows.

Let's not forget Dr. Doom. After becoming a supervillan, where in the world would Dr. Doom go grocery shopping? I can't imagine he would stoop to paying someone to do it for him. After all we KNOW Dr. Doom is NOT a diva!

It just doesn't add up. They really need to go back to the drawing board and recast this movie using the four horsemen. No not those bloody footballers, rather the epitome of 1980s wrestling villanry (is that even a word?)

Yes, a movie featuring good ole Nature Boy Ric Flair WOOOOOOOO! and his delightfully devious sidekicks Tully Blanchard (watch out for the sling shot suplex) and the Minnesota wrecking crew...Arn and Ole Anderson.

Now that would be some good watching.

Friday's Helpful Hints...

Good Grief, have you seen the news today?

Grandmothers being tasered, kids being kept in boxes (maybe they should have read yesterday's blog) and planes running over babies, how can I compete with that?

I won't!

Instead here is some helpful information...


STROKE IDENTIFICATION
During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

It only takes a minute to read this-A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

Field Diagnosis of a STROKE. The "3" steps.
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . It is sunny out today)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identifyfacial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis andtreatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

And in case you were wondering, here's how to indentify THE STROKES:

PS is it me or does diet coke with lime taste better when you close your eyes and pretend it's green?

Warning!

So I was getting out the wrapping paper and noticed this handy little warning on the inside of the lid.

Apparently, the rubbermaid tote is not suitable for storing Webster or any other small humans. Damn. I was totally thinking I could avoid the whole nursery thing some day by storing my baby in that thing. I mean come on, it is semi-transparent, so I could totally see if the kid was misbehaving.

Here's another, not so obvious warning I came across.

Look closely. See that purple moon and stars? Bet you think that signifies "nighttime" right? Hellllll no. Drink one or two swigs too many in the alotted 4 hr period and that's the sort of stuff your are liable to start seeing. In fact, that's exactly how general mills comes up with new marshmellow ideas for lucky charms.

Drifting

I am 76% sure this is a Toyota Camry. I am 100% sure a Toyota Camry shouldn't be driven like this.

Birthday Shenanigans

Let's review friday night (or what I remember of it).

1. Blacking out -- Check
2. Finding a shot glass in my pants when I got home (in fact 2) -- Check
3. Booting -- negative ghostrider

Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Many people fear the 21st birthday, but in reality, the true danger is the 30th. You see, several forces (ie increased discretionary income among your friends, your own decrease in tolerance ect ect ect) combine like Voltron and generally work against your favor.

Plus there must be some kind of unwritten rule that no two people can buy you the same drink. I basically had the Whitman's sampler of booze. The night started out gently enough with an oatmeal cookie (that's a shot not an actual cookie) courtesey of D. Magical.

Things quickly progressed and before I knew it, I received my first cement mixer. Not too bad when it starts out, but after 10 seconds of shaking, things start to get ugly. After about 30 seconds, it's like having a mouth full of battlecat's litter.

As time passed, my memories started to have a strobe-light effect. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. Dave Attell call's it time travel.

In one of my lucid bouts, I ran into some unexpected friends from high school and elementary school which was a nice surprise. It pretty much completed my collection of friends from different eras.

Soon after I was hand another shot (big surprise). It was red and fruity. Was it the fabled woo woo? I don't know. Did it contain a ruffie? Probably. Was it a catalyst to frank the tank? Yes. bang bang bang bang load it up again!

I think a game of edward 40 hands was tentatively scheduled for the second week of January. The game will be held in the woods, far away from sharp objects.

In all, it was a great night. Probably the best birthday ever. Much better than the bowling alley party I had when I was six.

1980licious

If any guilty pleasure trumps that of propaganda, it would have to be the 80s (as if you couldn't guess by the random pictures of transformers, he-man and people setting themselves on fire--a true mark of excess).

So, thinking back to the 80s, does anyone remember Laser tag? I mean OG real deal laser tag?

I have one of those very same game kits stuffed away in my parent's attic along with several boxes of 1989 Topps baseball cards full of worthless roiders and some dude named Bo Jackson.

Laser tag is an excellent example of "great in theory, retarded in application."

You see, getting a single set is kind of like getting a dart board with nothing to throw at it. Sure you could hurl your mom's Ginsus or maybe even your compass from school, but that's only if you were good at thinking out of the box. For most kids, the best you could do is train to be kurt cobain and shoot yourself.

We played Laser tag at recess and by we I mean me and this rich kid named Garun as we were the only two kids with sets. The rest of the smucks had to sit and watch. Not only did Garun have the same set as me, but he also had the official laser tag vest and helmet. These two items, while cool in looks, served no functional purpose aside from giving me additional targets to shoot at, which would explain how I regularly kicked his ass at a ratio of 3:1.

So you probably assume I was a spoiled rich kid too. How else would I have the much coveted (think of an xbox 360) toy? Did I steal it? Hmmm, I guess that is a matter of personal definition and ties closely to whether or not you agree if certain politicians steal elections.

You see the local safeway had a drawing for one of these sets. And I was determined to win. I have always considered myself lucky, so I just knew I would win. My confidence, however, did not stem from my faith in luck as much as my ability to read fine print (enter as often as you like) and kathy lee gifford sweatshop dedication of filling out every damn entry in the store approximately 4,358. I burned the remaining 642 for good measure.

A few weeks later I got a call from the manager informing me that I won. I informed the manager that I knew. He seemed puzzled. I quickly feigned that I was merely joking and enlisted my thespian skills to show my excitement.

Yeahhhhhhh Wooooooooo I can't believe it*

*it being the silly enter as often as you like clause

Oh 80s, you so funny!

I pity the fool who doesn't turn right in 200 yards!

Holy mackeral!

Voice guided GPS just got real interesting!

Lost--SPOILER ALERT

While surfing around the net I discovered some interesting information.

Apparently a disgruntled gaffer from the set of Lost start dropping all sorts of juicy secrets about that dog-gone mysterious island.

Most notably, he revealed in great detail the island's security system/monster, Battlecat.

Yeah Battlecat has steez like you wouldn't believe!

A hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack... the heat is on.

Yeah, that's the tagline from Rad, what's a matter, you wanna fight about it?

Somehow in the random mental workings of my mind, the image of two kids tearing up the dance floor on their BMX bikes at prom listening to "send me an angel" popped into my head this morning, and I wondered if maybe, just maybe, someone had the stones to release this bad boy on DVD. A quick trip to IMDB reveals it is so. A quick trip to amazon reveals that IMDB is full of crap.

One day, one day, we will relive the glory of hell track in digital format, hopefully with Bart Conner commentary. Until then we will have to live with gleaming the cube, which in all honesty is the coke zero of Rad.

In other random wanderings of the mind, last night while out for my birthday dinner, melady friend and I walked by a Slyvan learning center. I had to suppress my inner a-hole urge to fling open the door, point at a kid and yell "you big dummy." I have no idea where these things come from.

Additionally, I almost ran someone over backing up real fast knight rider style in the parking lot at lunch. Judging by his Subway bag, he is semi-health concerned, so I was really just giving him the gift of some extra exercise (ie diving out of the way of an out of control subaru wagon in reverse). He thanked me with a few choice words.

Speaking of gifts, the best girlfriend in the world got me the best present in the world a fancy new black ipod with a laser inscription on the back that reads "I wore black because I liked it -- Johnny Cash."

Sweet!

I heart Propaganda!

What do these two images have in common (besides both kickin' arse)?

More than you might think (or perhaps more appropriately stated more than meets the eye).

But before we get into all of that, let's review why it is important to think about propaganda courtesy of this fine-azz piece of literary work I found online...

It may seem strange to suggest that the study of propaganda has relevance to contemporary politics. After all, when most people think about propaganda, they think of the enormous campaigns that were waged by Hitler and Stalin in the 1930s. Since nothing comparable is being disseminated in our society today, many believe that propaganda is no longer an issue.

But propaganda can be as blatant as a swastika or as subtle as a joke. Its persuasive techniques are regularly applied by politicians, advertisers, journalists, radio personalities, and others who are interested in influencing human behavior. Propagandistic messages can be used to accomplish positive social ends, as in campaigns to reduce drunk driving, but they are also used to win elections and to sell malt liquor.

As Anthony Pratkanis and Elliot Aronson point out, "every day we are bombarded with one persuasive communication after another. These appeals persuade not through the give-and-take of argument and debate, but through the manipulation of symbols and of our most basic human emotions. For better or worse, ours is an age of propaganda." (Pratkanis and Aronson, 1991)

With the growth of communication tools like the Internet, the flow of persuasive messages has been dramatically accelerated. For the first time ever, citizens around the world are participating in uncensored conversations about their collective future. This is a wonderful development, but there is a cost.

The information revolution has led to information overload, and people are confronted with hundreds of messages each day. Although few studies have looked at this topic, it seems fair to suggest that many people respond to this pressure by processing messages more quickly and, when possible, by taking mental short-cuts.

Propagandists love short-cuts -- particularly those which short-circuit rational thought. They encourage this by agitating emotions, by exploiting insecurities, by capitalizing on the ambiguity of language, and by bending the rules of logic. As history shows, they can be quite successful.

Propaganda analysis exposes the tricks that propagandists use and suggests ways of resisting the short-cuts that they promote. This web-site discusses various propaganda techniques, provides contemporary examples of their use, and proposes strategies of mental self-defense.

Propaganda analysis is an antidote to the excesses of the Information Age.

"borrowed" from: http://www.propagandacritic.com/articles/intro.why.html

So back to my original question, how are these two images related? Quite simply, Soundwave shot the paratrooper in a fit or rage after losing a heated game of tiddlywinks.

I actually have a much more relevant theory, but it's boring and doesn't delight one with the fantastic mental image of tiddlywinks gone bad.

Happy birthday to me.

Act my age? Never!!!

In sheer denial of the fact I turn 30 tomorrow, here are some rather juvenial lyrics from Bloodhound Gang's new song...

BLOODHOUND GANG LYRICS
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket
Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so patheticallyI don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten
Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston
Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the fish wrinkle
Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so patheticallyI don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

Turkey! Trader Joe's! Thirty!

The trip to trader joe's this weekend was awesome. That place specializes in gourmet food (ie jalapeno chicken sausage without pork) and bitchy moms.

I swear, Walt Disney would have another century's worth of material just by strolling down the sundries aisle. Every corner I turned, I saw some middle age psuedo hippy mom berating a cart full of kids. Can you say Cinderella 2K6: The Remix? I pretty much told shannon when we have kids, she is no longer permitted to shop there.

Oh well what can you do?

Thanksgiving went well, despite the absence of a deep fried bird. Apparently you need to take the turkey out of the freezer about a month in advance and frying a frozen trukey is the leading cause of death in Dundalk Md.

In lieu, but equally neck (aka redneck) I tried a bourbon based glaze. Despite its rather questionnable ingreddies (bourbon, maple syrup, ketchup, soy sauce, brown sugar and lots of country love) it turned out rather nicely. In fact only one person fell out of there chair after eating it. I say give it a shot, but stay away from any heavy machinery afterwards.

Not too much else to report on, however, I do turn 30 tomorrow. Yes thirty. How will I celebrate? I dunno, maybe I will buy some insurance, read the wall street journal or change the filter in the furnace. You know, grown up stuff.

Yeah right. Family guy season 4 comes out tomorrow (coincidence?), so I may very well end up on the couch, sans pantalones, drinking a blue margarita, eating sour patch kids while watching THE best damn show on TV, well um, except for lost.

And you thought craig mack was ugly...

Seperated at birth?



I can't decide if this is really a dog or a turd with grey hair and teeth. And it's no wonder why Craig Mack's hit was Flava for your ears cause you may very well go blind if you stare at him for more than 10 seconds.

What time is it?

It's like an alarm clock...

wooo woooo!

Thanks Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis!

After 60 years lego segregation ends!

I am just going to go ahead and say it.

Legos are racist. Straight up.

C'mon, think about it. When was the last time you saw an ethnic inhabitant of Lego land?

How about never. Nothing but endless waves of smiling yellow block people. What exactly are they smiling about? The lack of lego pigment?

It is a travesty.

I have long championed for increased diversity among legoians. In fact when I was 11, I made the startling discovery that the smokestack from my lego express steam engine was in fact, a black lego head. Not long afterwards, Lego Leroy and I started the Lego equality movement.

It has been a long hard fight, but progress is being made.

The "other side of the tracks" lego town is in the works and is complete with lego pawn shop next to the lego liquor store next to the lego payless shoe store.

Leghetto is the name of this urban utopia and it includes lego pimps and lego hos and even visits from the lego MAN to keep the lego brothers down.

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

Oh, I slay me. That's rich!

Wish List Part Deux

Tack this bad boy on me list for jolly ole st. nick.

A gangsta snowman that raps "Whoomp there it is" complete with bling in his grill. Coal is for suckaz!

Boom!-Shaka-laka-Shaka-laka!

A sucker is born every minute

As PT Barnum once said, unfortunately he didn't know the Internet age, cause if he did, he would likely cut that time in half repeatedly until it reached a nano-second.

So I am trying to sell a home theater system on craigslist, and pretty much everywhere you turn on that site is a warning about potential scams. As soon as I posted my offer I received half a dozen offers which pretty much boggle the mind.

Here is a sample exchange:

hello seller
i found your item and it look nice let me know if this item is still for sell
Mrs Jeje


Yes, in fact it is the middle of a bidding war, the price is now up to $1,500 from people all over the world! Imagine that!

The first person who shows up with $900 real money (that would be cash or certified check), however will have the distinct pleasure of buying this fine piece of audio equiptment.

I also have a rare monkey for sale if you are interested.


Ok...thanks for your response.i will like to buy it now and i can't meet you any where due to the programm am controlling in New Jersey,so i will like to pay you through Money Order, or US Postal Money Order, so get back to me with your full name and address of where you want the money to be deliver to and am going to pick up my goods after , so i will like to handle the shipping myself. so get back to me soon


Here is another offer from one Mary Luis of the UK...

Thanks for your prompt reply.And am very sorry to ask if the item works very perfect,It is because of some unsincire craigslist seller who display bad item,but now that you have promise that the item work very perfect,I think i can proceed with the payment. Actually, I will be paying through bidpay money order and its not necessary that you should be a member before i can make payment because am already a member.

I think its better and safe and secure because, once i make payment and the payment is approved., its sure that the seller or whoever that is involved will definately receive the money order and thats why it takes them hours to approve after payment.The money order will be delivered to your door step upon approval of payment by bidpay. Payment will be mailed to you in first class mail by (Royal Mail Courier services) and a tracking number will be provided to you which will allow you to track your payment online and will be mailed to your address in 3 to 5 business day first class mail, once its processed.

As soon as payment tracking number is given unto you which signifies that payment is on the way, i mean, as soon as you track the payment online and see it coming, i will like to ship the item immediately due to the urgent need of the item,because am presenting it as a gift to my inlaw who is celebrating her birthday on monday in africa.,And i will like her to receive the package before her birthday date.I shall be paying you $1000.I want you to please buy a good box to wrap the package so it can look very presentable .

As for the shipping, you dont have to pay a dime for it cos i will be responsible for the shipping to destination.Upon approval of payment,i will send you a fed-ex prepaid shipping label to you which you will affix on the package before its picked up from you.I w ill like to hear from you if this is okay by you,Just end the bid.let me have your full name and address as it will be written on the money order so that i can proceed with the payment.
Thanks

I think I may start to post random things for sale just to see what other sorts of interesting offers I receive.


In other news, its friday woot woot!

Now go see walk the line!

31 reasons Chuck Norris ownz joo

Aw man, I think I made it to #15 before I officially pee'd my pantalones.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
   
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
   
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
   
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
   
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
   
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
   
7. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
   
8. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
   
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
   
10. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    
11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    
12. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
    
14. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
    
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
    
16. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
    
17. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
    
18. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
19. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
    
20. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
    
21. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
    
22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
    
23. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    
24. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
    
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
    
26. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
    
27. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    
28. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
    
29. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    
30. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
    
31. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The great elevator race of 1993

While on a break I decided to take up a new hobby, recreational elevator riding. Actually, I just wanted to go get an egg sammich at the deli downstairs. Anyhow, deja vu decided to strike and for some odd reason an elevator related memory popped in my head.

Back in the day (summer of 1993) some friends and I took a road trip to Ocean city and stayed at a friend's condo. It was an older building, but it did have an elevator, which was nice considering my friend lived on the 8th or 9th floor. One night we got all gassed up on Bartles and James and decided to head down to the boardwalk.

While waiting for the elevator, I bet my friends I could run down the stairs faster than they could take the elevator. I really thought I could do it, at least until I got to the 5th floor. I then decided to get off on each of the remaining floors and press the button (so that the trolley would stop and wait on each floor). Unfortunately, the idea came 30 seconds after the elevator passed the 5th floor.

I just wanted to share that, cause the bible sez sharing is good.

Greatest Tag Team Eva!

Yet another reason supporting the superiority of the 80's and all of its fantastic products...the emergance of THE best pair a wreslters, Hawk and Animal AKA the L.O.D. AKA The Road Warriors.

Just wanted to throw some props their way, although I just read that Hawk is flying a little higher these days. Apparently he passed away at the age of 45 from a heart attack a few years ago.

In other news, I'm in Philly and will probably go the duration of my trip sans cheesesteak.

Talk amongst yourselves; I'll post more later.

PS my new year's resolution is to break this record.

A horse on the loose

Any weekend that starts by witnessing an escaped carriage horse running down a busy street is bound to be interesting on several levels. This weekend's adventure included a trip to richmond and my first "sticky rice" experience. I now have yet another reason to adore that city.

The honorable Siever-san sold me on the idea of dining at a Sushi joint which prided itself on selling PBR in cans, both 12 ounce and deliciously evil 24 ounce tall boys (as evidenced by the scan of the beer menu I ganked above). Then he dropped the bomb of sticky rice's other specialty, tater tots sold in a big ass steel pail.

Tots in a pail F yeah (imagine that sung to the tune of the Team America theme song).

As if copious tots in a garden pail and PBR tall boys were not enough, the descriptions in the beer menu are sheer genius. See the image below for a sampling or check out the website for the full list.

It was a grand time indeed and I have the headache today to support that claim.

But the fun didn't start there. Oh no. Along my travels, I saw a fire on that little patch of land in between the inner-loop and outer-loop of 495 and thought to myself, those damn french are invading. Then, when flipping through the current ish of EW, I saw this...

Hmmmm, clever play on words, but talk about extremely poopy timing. I wonder if they will issue any sort of apology. As of yet, nothing is listed on their website. It reminds me of a poorly timed viral marketing campaign for the Nissan Altima. Nissan sent folks on their mailing list a really suspicious looking packing that resemble a giant medicine container. The jist of the ad was something like, you have a fever and the only prescription is more Altima! Unfortunately, the launch fell right at the same time folks were getting weird packages with Anthrax. ewwwww. Not so good. Nissan did send out a letter of apology though.

Carry on.

PS who wins in a fight, Krav Maga or Tae Kwon Do?

WHEEL...OF....ILLNESS!

I think am officially well or as well as I am going to be, so it is ok once again to poke fun at the sick and infirmed. Actually, my gripe is with the medical system itself.

Last week's visit to the clinic, while effective at procuring "los meds" took my confidence in the medical profession down a peg or two. Despite consuming enough tussin to start to seeing matrix-like effects, I still suffered a litany of aches, pains and generally felt like poop. I was thoroughly convinced I had fallen victim to the bubonic plague or maybe even scurvy.

Not even close. According to Dr. Yi, I had....(insert sound of wheel spinning) a sinus infection. Man, either I am just a wussus maximus or Dr. Yi took a shot in the dark, crossed her fingers and assigned a macro antibiotic strong enough to wreck shop on any bacteria baddies in my system, the one and only Z-pak (it's the 2 pac of meds).

Funny. It was the same med I got last year for my "bronchitis." At the end of the day, it doesn't matter cause I am better.

What is the a point to this post?

Hey look, another man on fire!

Only 45 more shopping days till Christmas...

Time to start working on a wish list.

I've been a good boy this year. I deserve something fun, something special, something that say's "yeah you've got skills."

I want a unicorn spearing a mime.

That's not too much to ask for is it?

Thanks archie mcphee!

Taser to offer stun gun cameras

I read this headline on CNN this morning in hopes that it was a teaser for an entirely different product, the stun gun camera phone. That would be one really great bad idea, and sadly enough, probably not that far off from reality.

Can you imagine? Someone figures out how to hack into the system and prank call unsuspecting folks with several thousand gigawatts. (Gigawatts, giga-who? Giggidity giggidity goo). Nevermind me, that's just the 'tussin talkin.

Sorry, no shock phones today, but rather the article details how Taser will develop a stun gun that allows the stunner to take pictures, possibile even video of the stun-ee. The need for such a product emerged after controversey surrounding an incident where police tasered a 6 year old.

Not sure where I was going with this or how best to wrap this post up.

Look a man on fire!

And in the news this week

Star Trek's Sulu comes out of the closet, annoucing he has gone were no man has gone before and has been doing so for the past 18 years.

In other news, George Bush's popularity reaches a new low. He responds by giving up his steady diet of school children and now only eats kitten.

More news to come...

Teen Apathy and Happy Trees

Just a quick recap of this weekend’s happenings for all of you Halloween hooligans. The bulk of Saturday morning was spent waiting in line at the DMV in hopes of attaining a shiny new VA license. My hopes were nearly shattered when I glanced into the fancy eyetesting machine and swore I saw something written in Arabic. Now, I am the first to admit that my eyesight isn’t the best, even with glasses, but after that test, I think I may now qualify for that legally blind tax credit.

My redemption was teen apathy. Generally frowned upon by society, the young man behind the counter, obviously didn’t care. Here is a recount of the exchange:

Clerk: Please read line one.
Me: HKGC, wait a minute, is that a 2? Are there numbers in this thing?
Clerk: What? No. Please read line one.
Me: That 2 just disappeared completely, I think I need new glasses.
Clerk.: Just read the line.
Me: I don’t think I can.
Clerk: Read the line.
Me: HCG Tilda 2 smileyface LOL #
Clerk: Close enough.

The afternoon was spent afro shopping for my Bob Ross costume. Did you know that afros come in 2 sizes? Giant and Enormous?

I went with giant. I was really on the fence about the costume. Honestly, I think my Halloween spirit was MIA or perhaps the cough medicine I have been consuming intravenously is suppressing it. Anyhow, my biggest concern about Bob Ross is that these young’ns were weened on MTV not PBS and by and large the PBS painter and his happy trees would go unrecognized. Then I saw Bob Ross on a screen printed T-shirt at target. Nothing screams commercialism like a screen print t-shirt from target (except for a screen print t-shirt from wal-mart). That pretty much sealed the deal for me.

What if...

Every once and awhile someone asks a question.

A question that forever changes the social landscape of the world we live in.

Questions that most people are afraid to ask and more afraid to know the answer.

Last night I thought of a question, a question that today, I pose to the loyal denizens of Topic15.

A question that has zero relevance to the aforementioned criteria, but is thought provoking nonetheless...

What if...

What if, for just once...

What if, for just once, you substituted Old English 800 Malt liquor for water in a humidifier, even if it was just for one night?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Is anyone brave enough to step up to the plate for this experiment?

A Pulitzer Prize or perhaps a Darwinian Award may be just one night away!

For the love of money...

All right first things first, a celebratory whoopty whoop for the reincarnation of the humble topic15.

Holla!

Now barring any further pomp and circumstance, let's get back to the discussions of what's what and unequivocal truths in this world vis-a-vis the observations of the one and only benster.

A qoute recently circulated around the office stating something to the effect of "throw enough money at people and they are liable to do anything." Nevermind the context of its origin. It's true, oh yes, it's true.

I can think of no finer example than from my worldly travels to India in search of the elusive Johnny Three Legs 40, which was banned from domestic shipment many years ago.

During my international excusion I had a brief pit stop outside of Deli when I saw a man attacked by a monkey all over a twinkie incident, but I digress.

I was standing outside of the red fort when I was approached by and elderly man who emerged from the shadows. In an almost trance state he began reciting various architectural characteristics of the fort. Just before I could question where the hell he was going with all of his jibba-jabba he says this to me..."The top of the fort wall is 200 feet from the ground, if you give me 300 rupees I will jump from the top of the wall." Bear in mind that 300 ruppees is maybe 10 bucks on a good day.

So I said, you got a deal, but I'm no pre-paying sucka. You have to jump before I hand over the scratch.

Now if you look carefully, you can see superman mid flight in the picture above. He jumped into that cesspool of a moat and being a man of my word, I handed over his money.

Decisions, Decisions...

Shocking as it may seem, Halloween is less than two weeks away, which means it is time to come up with an idea for a costume in pretty short order. I've set the bar pretty high for the past three consecutive years…Vanilla ice (complete with ICE shaved in the back of my cabeza), Mr. T (yes with a Mohawk), and who can forget the loveable Gangsta Cow (eet mor chikn btchiz).


While no clear winners have emerged from the pack, here is a sampling of this year's current contenders…

Gary Busey—requirements include wax teeth, a blinding Hawaiian shirt, bed head, and copious amounts of whiskey. The good thing about being Busey is that it pretty much gives you carte blanch to do whatever the F' you want and you could always chalk it up to "I was just trying to be authentic." The bad thing is you will end up in jail by 9:30 PM.

Dirty Sanchez—the beauty of this costume is in its simplicity, a sharpie mustache, a Sanchez jersey, and a good roll in the mud is all you need. Most unfortunately, this costume has a severe drawback, and no I am not referring to inevitably having to explain to you parents what a dirty sanchez is when your friends share their online photo albums. Oh no, the real problem is irony and the distinct possibility of falling victim to an authentic dirty sanchez at some point during evening. Thanks, but I'll pass.

NunCowboyPirate---Yeeehaw-praise Jesus-Arrrrrrrrgh! Who doesn't love a Nun-Cowboy-Pirate? Give me a habit, a Stetson, an eyepatch and a hook hand and when asked what I am supposed to be, I'll reply "a fireman of course." Pro—it combines three ordinary costumes into one hot a$$ ensemble. Con—too high brow for the audience to truly appreciate.

Darth Gader (pronounced gay-dar)—I am secure enough in my manhood to own pink pants, so why not show up to the party as darth vader's effeminate cousin? Take one darth vader costume and some pink spray paint and you are one fierce jedi slayer. Unfortunately I am not THAT secure in my manhood.

I've had a few other ideas, but due to decency laws, I will refrain from posting them.

Maybe I will join the masses and buy an off the shelf costume from target. I did see a pretty swank David Hasselhof get-up last time I was there.

Any one hear of this book?

The Fourth Turning--if so what are your thoughts?

Sonnawa...

Comcast is hatin on a brother's modem right now, so I am still in blog denial.

Enjoy this while you wait for topic15 to emerge like a phoenix from the ashes.

He he he!

Coming soon...Return of topic15

We move into the new crib tonight and cable guy comes tomorrow which means wez bez back in bidness real soon now ya hear!

In the meantime here's a good joke to tell a priest...


What's a cat's favorite color?

Puuuuuuurrrple.


Conversely, here's a real tasteless joke...

What's the definition of Rolaids?

Rock Hudson in a wheel chair.

Yeah, go ahead hand me my pitch fork and I will get in line.

LOST pt II

Yeah I know, stick to your knitting...the blog should be back up and running with that mad crazy old school flava in a few days.

In the meantime, ponder this observation per last night's epi of lost...

During the orientation film, the narrator discusses the nature of the Dharma program (ie that damn hatch) as being a research facility dedicated to the enlightenment of mankind and furthering the works of the likes of B.F. Skinner.

That kat had quite a rep among the psychological community and he was stirring isht up until his very last days. His game was based in operant conditioning and he was well known for his Skinner's box, a box that would contain an animal that would be trained to press a button or lever to elicit a response.

He argued that people don't make decisions on their own, but rather they are conditioned to make decisions based on external stimuli that would result in some sort of reward/punishment avoidance.

Is there some parallel between a pigeon locked in a box pecking a keyboard and that dude in the hatch pressing keys? I guess time will tell.

4 8 15 16 24 42 execute. peck peck peck