S-Wii-T

Ha Ha Yeahhhhhhh!

We put the Wii in weekend thanks to a nice little bundle of joy which arrived from Nintendo last Friday. I have to say I am impressed with Nintendo's innovation with the Wii (and due to the scarce supplies, obviously I am not the only one).

The selling points of the machine are two-fold. First, its virtual console gives you access to old school gems like Zelda, punch-out and lesser known games like Lode-runner. Building on this retro movement, you can pimp you Wii with this swank skin.

Second, is the simple pleasures of the newer games, such as WarioWare smooth moves, which is largely designed for people who get bored with a game after 15 seconds. Thus, WarioWares is a collection of games that each last about 10 seconds each. Not sold yet? Well in one of the mini-games, you get to poke homeless people with a stick to shoo them away. Ok maybe they are not identified as people or necessarily homeless, but they could be.

Eitherway you cut it, the $250 is the shiznit and will tide me over until either Microsoft or Sony breaks and brings their console price down to less than a car payment.

Easy come, easy go

Well if youtube insists on original content, here goes...

Cole me on tha panny sty!

Well Pootie, it was a good run to ~40,000 views but Sine your Bitty on the Runny Kine is no more....


Dear Member:
This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a third-party notification by Paramount Pictures Corporation claiming that this material is infringing:

Sine your Bitty on the Runny Kine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C03Dmg2d2kc

Please Note: Repeat incidents of copyright infringement will result in the deletion of your account and all videos uploaded to that account. In order to avoid future strikes against your account, please delete any videos to which you do not own the rights, and refrain from uploading additional videos that infringe on the copyrights of others.

For more information about YouTube's copyright policy, please read the Copyright Tips guide.
If you elect to send us a counter notice, please go to our Help Center to access the instructions.
Please note that under Section 512(f) of the Copyright Act, any person who knowingly materially misrepresents that material or activity was removed or disabled by mistake or misidentification may be subject to liability.

Sincerely,YouTube, Inc.


Sa-Da-TAY!

Oh so you got jokes now?

Anyone watch last comic standing last night?

Anyone racking their brains for the punchlines for the mobile phone text message jokes which could be purchased for the mere cost of $1 a piece?

Well rack no more and prepare for 3 of the worst jokes you will ever hear.

Joke #1
How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A Bucaneer (a buck an ear)


Joke #2
What did the tortilla say when it got to the end of the tight rope?

Tos-TADA!


Joke #3
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

An orange parrot.

No just kidding.

A carrot.


Congrats. You now have a comedic set good enough to make a room full of retards laugh.

Really, the only redeeming value of those jokes is that you now have a really solid chance of winning a contest of who's got the worst joke?

Speaking of which, what is a cat's favorite color?

Purrrrrrrple!

Is bazooka joe hiring? Cause I am on fiiiiiiyyyaaaa!

Pass the cough syrup.

Hey, anyone know what today is?

Free hot dog on a stick day.

Shut the front door!

Gimme my steps cookie

Yeah so I bought a pedometer at target last weekend to see how many steps I take in a typical day (not including the gym). The target is 10,000. I've been coming up short. Like Gary Coleman short, ranging to 4,000 to 5,000 steps. Time to install a hampster wheel in the office.

Speaking of the office, it is being over run by ants which is gross and inexplicable. The only food stuffs on my desk is a bottle of Chipolte Tabasco sauce, which is some folk remedy cure for keeping ants away. I guess that came up short too.

Now let's talk about coming up really short. If you have even walked by a TV in the DC area the past few days, you have almost surely seen a blurb about that news story where that crazy lady drove her car through a festival of people, mowing down 40 or so in the process. When the crowd was finally able to stop her, they found her with a crack pipe in her mouth. Know what that lady does when she is not smoking crack and running over pedestrians? Admin for Marion "that's not me smoking crack on that tape" Barry.

NUTZ!

Hip-hop didn't die, it just moved to Germany

SF highlights

Ok, two little gems from my SF trip thus far...

Story 1 -- Holding it down, BevMo style

While in town, me and MC hit up one of my favorite local establishments, BevMo, in a continued yet unfruitful search for barbara. No luck on the swiss beer, but I did manage to find me a bottle of sam adams triple bock. While not quite as bad boy as its big brother Utopias, triple bock is a rare find. And gross. Tastes like raisin, Dr. Pepper, and Henny. Bleh. Still chaulk one more up to the Sam Adams adventure.

Probably more entertaining was the fact that Suge Knight was working the check-out counter. I asked him if he carried "Death and taxes" but he just laughed and said, where you from boy? I ain't never heard of nothing like that. I felt my bevmo cred failing, then threw the triple bock on the counter and asked if they carried Utopias. I looked at me like I was out of my mind, but before he could question, his co-worker chimed in saying, OH SNAP! That Utopias is SICK! It comes in a copper bottle, runs a cool $150 a bottle and tastes like yak. As my bevmo cred began to recover, I sealed the deal with my final comment, "Yeah, it's pretty rare, like an albino midget." Suge replied, "Oh yeah, you NEVER see those around too often."


Story 2 -- The Pink Whistle

So as a sort of deviant social experiment, my friend MC, keeps a pink whistle in his glove compartment of his car. And as he drives around he will randomly blow the whistle and point at people they yell "who do you think you are?" Just to see how they react. He once caught a couple making out, then blew the whistle and they ran in a panic.

That is good stuff.

Cornhole, Chianti, and Pirates OH MY!

Alright, I was really hoping to weave all of my favorite highlights together in a Ken Jennings Mental floss kind of way.

I made a few degrees of connections and then fell short of including all of the relevant stories.


I guess that's why he's the mack daddy of jeopardy and I am not, but here goes...



Like all good blog posts, it starts and ends with pirates. Fripp Island was founded by one John "coconut monkey head" Fripp to keep spanish pirates at bay.

->

While on the island for the wedding last week, I saw an old pirate lady attempt to hold up one of the attendees, JB, proclaiming "Give me your billfold" as she jabbed him with her plastic sword.

->

On another day, after a few hot rounds on the beer pong table, the very same JB, infused with swagger and braggadocio, decided to play the next round with a thug jug of chianti. Cue up the bad ideas jeans commercial. The resulting antics can only be described as a restaurant quality shit show. Headbutting shutters and obscene sandwhich artistry followed and led to the decision to wheel JB away on a golf cart, at which time he thought he was being taken off to sleep with the fishes sopranos style.

->

Speaking of golf carts & JB, while shuttling us back from the bar, SC claimed he could run faster than the cart. Turns out he was wrong. We pulled ahead of him quickly as he started to scream that the road was too rocky for his bare feet. We kept on going just because we could. It was all very forrest gump like.

->

Part of forrest gump was filmed on fripp island. Tom Hanks starred in Forrest Gump. Tom Hanks is an A-hole.

->

A-hole is just 2 letters from C-hole, and I played my first game of cornhole this weekend. Described as a cross between horseshoes and sodomy, this game is sweeping the nation, thanks in part to things like the LED cornhole ramps which allow you to play at night. The lights aid in the ability to see at night.

->

Pirates often wore eyepatches, not because they were one eyed-freaks, but to allow for better visual acuity when transistion from the sun lit deck, to the darkend bowels of their ships.

Pirate to pirate.

Argggggh!

Da Bears

Greetings from Chicago O'hare airport, where I sit on a layover en route to San Francisco.

I just departed Fripp Island SC, where me and melady attending a friend's wedding. But this was no ordinary wedding. This was a week long extravaganza which will require a proper post, just as soon as I can get my head around some of the more definitive events of the week.

Until I can do that, I will share some useful information (which was shared with me). If you happen to be in Philly and are looking for a deal on beer, head on over to the drinker's tavern. As the name implies, that place is all about business.

Example #1. They sell 40s at the bar. Yes 40s.

Exampled #2. They sell cans of PBR for $2 a pop, but will cut that price in half if you shot-gun that blue ribboned goddess.

What are you still doing reading this? Get in the car and meet me in Philly. STAT!

Ain't that a pickle

I am just going to say it, pickles are delicious.

For some reason that sounds disturbing, but that's the way it is.

Yesterday for lunch, I spied fried pickles on the menu.

As I attended school in the south where they fry everything but babies, I am no stranger to fried pickles. My friend DB however, is fried pickle niave. So I suggested we order some. I did not intend for him to order them as his main course, but he did.

The waitress gave him the stink eye based on hearing his order and with good reason. After reducing the five pound pile down to roughly three and a half, DB looked like he had been punched in the bread basket by Tank Abbott.

How far would you go for the love of a pickle?

That's pretty far, but here is the ultimate test. Afterwards we stopped by a snowball stand with more flavors you can shake a stick at. Way down low on the list of delights such as strawberry creme, mango and lime, was a real shocker.

Dill pickel.

Dill muthafunkin pickle snowballs.

Man, I am having a serious crisis as to whether or not I can leave this city without trying one.

It's the simple things in life...

Very few readers will remember the game GORILLA.BAS from back in the Non-GUI computer days, but let me tell you this was one of the funnest games around.

It consisted of two gorillas standing on top of buildings throwing bananas at one another. It help teach the relationship between angle and velocity so that a projectile (the banana) would hit the target (opponents gorilla).

This game was out before the dawn of the NES which is like a great grandfather to the video game systems we have today. One can only imagine of what this game would be like if given the next generation treatment.

Well, imagine no more. I found a very similar game which will be coming out for the PS3 and the 360 in the near future. There are a few differences I would like to point out.

(1) The point is no longer to launch your projectile at an opponent, but rather at a fully destructible, interactive environment.

(2) While still in the game as part of the environment, monkeys are no longer the means to launch the projectile, this game will use a giant makeshift rubberband sling shot.

(3) Bananas are no longer the projectile, this game uses people.

(4) This game is called pain.

Fury of Posting

Ok, so I am making up for lost time here (at the prompting of and admonishment by one Brother Rob).

As a follow-up to that whole Mickey's Beer Pong Fiasco, I wish to make two additional points.

First, as the official sponsor of UFC, it should not come at any surprise that subing out Miller Lite for Hand Grenades will almost certainly end with some form of a physical altercation. Remember that Tyson fight where Iron Mike bit off a piece of Evander's ear? Know who sponsored that little event? St. Ides. I know this because I have a commemorative can in my basement that I bought off ebay for $1.75.

Some will say, topic 15, that malt liquor's gonna rot your brain! Possibly, but thanks to Mickeys, I now have a way to strengthen the brain cells which their product doesn't pickle.

Introducing, the Mickey's caps brain teasers...

Under each cap is a unique and fun puzzle which challenges the consumer to figure out a saying or phrase using only pictures. Think of Win Lose or Draw meets Gary Busey.

Unfortunately, Mickeys fails to include the biggest puzzle of them all. Why the hell would anyone drink this crap in the first place? It is pretty much the ass end of the malt liquor spectrum.

Beer Pong, Version T-15

For those of you with more solo cups than sense, welcome to the unnatural disaster of Topic 15's 42 cup invitation beer pong adventure.

Peep that hand grenade in the foreground? Yeah, that's how we roll.

Yep, as if play with near four times the normal cups wasn't nearly good enough, we further deviate from the norms of drinking game society by dancing with the angry mickey's hornet (AKA sickeys).

So how did this event end?

With lots upon lots o' bruises.

Thanks Fridge.

On the road again...

Yes yes yall, it's that time again, heading cross country on another research tour.

I just finished the New York leg and am pleased to report that city is as colorful and crazy as ever.

While walking down Madison avenue, I heard this disturbing comment, "Jimmy's balls smell like my grandma's house." Being the natural scientist that I am, I couldn't help but wonder the direction of that relationship. Do Jimmy's balls smell like metamucil and dried flowers? Or does grandma's house smell like balls? Regardless, I am not inclined to find out. As a second twist to this twisted story, that comment was heard from a dude.

Next stop, Dallas, then SF which means 15 hour days and rides in the rental car. You know what happened last time those two components merged?

Expect another magic verse in a week or so.

Skippy to ban skinny models...

From the mouth's of CNN, Unilever has made the decision to no longer use skinny models. Unilever makes Skippy peanut butter among other things.

This begs two questions, one of possible discrimination practices, and the other, perhaps more compelling, will Chunky follow suit?

Oh snap, there is just something too rich about a chunky Chunky model.

Maybe news of this fueled the business of the Hostess outlet, and they were planning ahead when they added that second cash register.

The Hostess with the mostess...

I swear, this post will not do this story justice, but here goes...

In what can only be described as a near to third world experience, last weekend me and melady took a field trip to Ikea.

What's so third world about Ikea? Do they make their Swedish influenced furniture in some developing country? Maybe. I can't say for sure, but what I can say is that a trip to the Hostess Outlet in PG county is about as close as you can get to buying twinkies in Egypt.

A few observations/ questions...

(1) They had two check out lines. Do they ever get that busy that they need to open a second register? Perhaps. The line was at least 3 deep when we were buying our assortment of discount, past their expiration date pies and cupcakes.

(2) Who determines the expiration date of a Yodel? And is that any different than that of a sno-ball or zinger?

(3) Does the cashier get an employee discount? My god, if it where any cheaper, they would pay you to take the stuff.

(4) The family in front of me paid in food stamps. There was also a brand new Hummer on DUBS out front. I was going to lose it if that was their car. It wasn't, but for sure someone in the store was driving that beast. And as we left a pimped caddy rolled in. Who exactly shops at this place anyhow?

(5) For a mere $3 you can buy something like 6 pies. Each pie contains roughly 600 calories. Calorically speaking, that is like 2 days of food which I could knock out after a night of popeyes and 40's. That is dangerous with a capital dangerous!

(6) Someone came in asking if they sold beer. Beer and snack cakes.

(7) You don't even want to know how much wonderbread you can buy for $5.

(8) There was a 4 blade ceiling fan with only 3 blades and they were still running it. I am not sure, but I think that might be a bit of a safety concern. Anyone know if you can suture a gash with a ho-ho?

Fantastic Forward

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...Uphill BOTH ways...

Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can'thelp but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... With a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mail box and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and"asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass!

Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no CartoonNetwork either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.

Do you hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled littlerat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up . We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.

The king killer

Introducing the number 1 suspect in the demise of one Elvis Presley, the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Oh yeah, as healthy as funneling a bottle of hidden valley ranch, this unnatural disaster will keep cardiologists in business until the metro pushes the orange line out to Dulles airport.

That and it was what I had for dinner monday night.

For dessert I had an angioplasty with a side of stents.

POINTLESS NEWSFLASH

Remember that pootie tang video I threw on YouTube a while back?

30,000 plus views.

Kappa Chow!

I don't think 3,000 people even saw the movie.

Did you know Dave Attel was in it as a villian?

The man's lackey to be exact.

Anyhow, not too much more to report at the moment.

I have tons 'o of visually stimutaling material I want to up load (new shoes on the roo, donkey balls, real man's beer pong, what mickey's is hiding in the hand grenades these days).

Unfortunately, the camera currently houses pictures of the bride to be's dress and it is bad luck to see that before the big day. So all these goodies are held captive for now.

Stay tuned good sights are on their way!

Until then enjoy this picture of this ginormous cat...

Never too soon to start a Christmas Wish List

Item #1 for the 2008 Season...

Visible Frylock Poster

Cry Cry Cry

Man, in case you didn't know. Stay the heck away from windex when cleaning your pimp daddy TV.

And now you know...

'cause knowing is half the battle.

G-I- Groooooooooooosssss!

Topic15 Consulting Promo

Puttin the ewwww in Subaru

I just saw the new design for the 2008 Subaru wrx.

It should be locked in a basement with all of the other three headed love children of the world.

It looks to be some sort of frankenstein hybrid of a Mazda6 wagon and a Chrysler Sebring.

Bleh!

I want to be a remixer...An evil remixer?

I was bored last weekend so I decided to cut up Dr. Evil's speech and layer over a house track.

This weekend I decided to sync it up to a video to share it with the world.

I give it a B-.

If hip hop is dead...

The GOP just gave it a royal munging.

You just got served, H Mills style...

NEWSFLASH: It can always be worse...

Ok following up on that last post, I thought I might need to spice it up a bit with a nice picture or something.




My google search revealed some interesting information courtesy of Wikipedia.





Apparently, Food Lion is engaged in some reverse voltron antics, where the Lion splits into one of two different entities, depending on the nature of the surrounding market.





As the previous post covered, the swank uptown Food Lions go all Bloom. But what about markets where Food Lion is a bit too fancy?

Ladies and gentlemen....Bottom Dollar Food.

I'm no real estate agent, but all I am saying is when the local Food Lion changes to Bottom Dollar, it's time to move, the rat tails are not far behind.

You can put lipstick on a pig...

but it is still a pig. Or in this case a Food Lion.

In my heart of hearts, I have always been a dirty old man and as such take pride in such domestic activities as drinking bum wines and checking out new supermarkets.

New players on the market circuit are far and few between, so you can only imagine my joy when I caught wind of Bloom. Unfortunately, that wind turned out to be more of a fart, when I discovered this swank new supermarket was nothing more than a re-branded Food Lion.

Who you foolin with that mess? You can't pawn yourself off as a swank new grocery store and then stock your endcap with Steel Reserve 211.

Now don't get me wrong, I luvs me a store that stocks end caps with 40s, but let's not pretend to be something that we aren't. We don't live in opposite world. We needs to keep it real!

Food dawg! That's the budget grocery store that I know and love! Plus all your 18 wheelers tout they drive 65MPH or less!

My college days Friday night ritual involved swinging by Da' Lion to cop me two luke warm 40s of Magnum* and a pack of orange tic-tacs. Total cost $2.89, hands down the most fun you can have for under 3 bucks. And I made sure to let the cashier know that every time.

Anyhow Bloom, let's be clear, we know who you are and where you're from. And if you plan on keeping this farce up, you are hopping on the express train to Milli-vanilli-vile and destined to become the first grocery store to be featured on VH-1's behind the music. It's not too late to turn back.

*Not far enough up the beer chain at that time to rank "cooler" status.

Do you know what that means?

The evil geniuses of Mogen David offer you Sour Green Apple Mad Dog.

Think of it as an effervescent blend of an appletini and kerosene.

I saw the new MD20/20 kid on the block during one of my recent adventures and am kicking myself for:

(a) not taking a picture
(b) not shelling out the $3 for actual evidence
(c) not buying it and drinking it out of a Fendi paper bag
(d) all of the above
(e) yo mamma

I'll choose (B).

Anyhow, this finding raises at least one interesting discussion point. If Mad Dog is continuing to churn out new flavors, one would speculate that somewhere right now, someone is getting paid good american dollars to head up Mad Dog Research and Development. I think I may have found my true calling.

It's like a more deviant version of the job of coming up with names for new colors of Crayola crayons. Hmmmm I wonder if they thought of a crayola flavored mad dog. You know what they say, get them early, get them for life!

Since I failed to grab a bottle, I decided to do a lil net recon and low and behold, Mogen and David (the vinters of tha dawg) do not have an official online presence. Now that IS shady. I am sure that now, even as I type this, that questionnably retarded audience member from last night's american idol (you know the 12 yr old girl who was bawling every time the camera cut to her) is having her very own site made as you read this.

Now, that being stated, MD DOES have a very real UNoffical presence on the web. According to Wikipedia, they once produced wildly exciting flavors such as white lightening and purple rain?

Or if you go to ghettowine.com, you can see where MD is actually made?

Ug, after seeing their facilities, I retract my previous "dream job" statement. That place looks like an OSHA posterchild.

There is no real coherent way to wrap this post up, but after all it is about bum wine, which eliminates coherency at a lethal rate, so it's all good.

Well, That's My Mamma!

Then I'd put him on notice...

This is a funny little bit following Jon Stewart's interview of Sam Sheridan, author of: A Fighter's Heart: One Man's Journey Through the World of Fighting

American Crydol

WTF was up with that little girl bawling in the audience of last night's American idol?

Do you think she was special?

Or were the producers playing a cruel joke and kept sending in notes to her like:

Note1: "Your hermit crab has cancer"

Note2: "Just kidding, your hermit crab is fine, but your parents are getting divorced."

Note3: "Your parents are together and not getting divorced. They did, however drive their car off a cliff"

Note4: "Parents survived the wreck, but were eaten by dingos"

Note5: "Michael Jackson is now your legal gaurdian"

We finally found our wedding singer...

It will cost you an arm and a leg paul...

Well possibly just a leg.

I heard on the radio today that Heather Mills (former wife of Beatle Paul McCartney) is gonna cash out that shaggy headed knight to the tune of 32 million pounds (that's roughly $50 some odd million dollars).

In the early 90s Heather Mills was run over by a police motorcycle, and they had to amputate her leg. After the settlement, ole stumpy ought to be able to buy the finest wooden leg around with that kind of scratch.

Good timing, too, as she will be featured in this season's Dancing with the stars and will need a sturdy peg. In fact, right now, Bodog is taking bets as to whether or not the faux leg with fall off during the competition. See as the show is broadcast on ABC, not FOX, current odds favor no.

Now before I sign off, let's revist the whole "it will cost you an arm and a leg" phrase. Word on the street is that back in the day, fine art was commissioned by portions of the body. For example, if you wanted a self portrait on the cheap, you would get a painting of yourself from the neck-up. If you wanted more parts painted, costs went up exponentially. The most expensive art was full body art including head, torso, arms and legs. Hence, something very expense would cost you an arm and a leg.

It work's everytime...

But on what exactly?

Mind playing tricks on me

Ok this will be 100% entertaining to exactly .006% of Topic 15's loyal readers.

Someone remade the Geto Boys Video using a bunch of props, all Robot Chicken style.

It's hott.

It's been a long time...

Some have been asking, Where art thou, T-15?

Recovering.



It has taken damn near two weeks to be of sound mind and capable of sitting up straight and formulate sentences beyond pointing and grunting.

What happened?

Well, this for starters...

Yes, what better way to celebrate my exodus from bacherlordom than with 80 ounces of stone cold malt beverage strapped to my beaters.

Now, let me splain, I love me some charcoal filtered goodness of OE 800, but like the SOS band, I like to "take my time and do it right."

There is absolutely nothing about taking your time or doing it right with edward 40 hands.

Rather, it is a race against your bladder, to drain dem junx before you have drain your junx. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming edward pp pants.

One a quick aside, what is one to do if one is allergic to gluten, but compelled to play EFH?

In a word, improvise.

In several words, find the equivalent volume of gluten free beer and tape that all up on your arm like so...

But I digress...

Prior to that weekend, me and my squirrel bladder were a bit scared at the prospect of this game, but my participation was inevitable as a moth to a flame.

When it became go time, edward 40 hands was the least of my worries.

You see, the fear of edward 40 hands is usually governed by the fact that once you knock out those 40s you are home free. Not me. The evil genius MC's (masters of ceremonies) saw EFH as an appetizer, an appetizer for destruction, followed by a shot of After-Schlager, Malt Liquor Helmet, Margarita and some Absynthe. The last thing I remember is wearing a pair of earmuffs made of tallboys of Colt 45 and connected to a tube that went right into my mouth.

This is what Gladwell calls a tipping point, as things stop going in and start coming out and all cerebral records crash.

Well all but one registry was purged, Casey's Drafthouse, located in Pittsburgh.


What, pray tell, would cause that one memory to stick amidst the wash of malt-memory eraser?
1 word...manboy.

What is manboy you ask?

Simple.

A midget.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar.

A midget who spends monday nights in a treehouse located at the end of the bar until someone ponies up $10.


Then the magic happens.

Manboy descends from his tree house, scurries across the bar to grab a bottle of grandpa's cough medicine, and then runs back and forth pouring its contents into the mouths of patrons.

I know what you are thinking, that after the forty hands, I starting speaking in tongues and seeing strange visions (after all Absinthe was in the mix right?), and this whole midget madness is nothing more than an artifact of a really twisted imagination.

We'll this link says otherwise.

As does this picture.

So who is up for a road trip to da 'burg?

So long... farewell... Auf wiedersehen... Goodbye!

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to a good friend who left the company I work for. Upon his departure, he sent a goodbye letter out via email

I found the original draft the goodbye letter, which is slightly different than what was sent.

Quite the colorful writer if I do say so myself,
----------------------------
Final version that was sent

Hey Everyone,

It's Departure-Day! I'm leaving the company, Reston and soon even the Great Commonwealth of Virginia to pursue other dreams.

My exit interview paperwork asks "What did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no-brainer. You guys have been the best thing about working here. I can honestly and genuinely say I like every one in this office personally and that I think is rare.

My email is [removed] -- use it, keep in touch and let me know how life treats ya.

Best of luck to all of you!
John

---------------------------------------------
Original Draft

Hey losers!

I'm getting the F#$K out of here. Thanks to your shennanigans and computer savviness of a retarded monkey, not only am I leaving the company, I am leaving the entire f'ing state of Virginia. I know some of you are slow, so let me spell it out for you...I am getting as far away from the daily nightmare saturated with your dumbasses as possible (in case that my superior intellect is further tainted my your ass-hattery antics).

My exit interview paperwork asks "what did you like most about the company and your job?" That's a no brainer. Hands down the best thing about working here is taking this exit interview and wiping my ass with it after taking an "upper-decker" in the fourth floor bathroom. I could deliver that answer in poo slathered writing, but unlike most of you savages, I am a gentlemen, so I won't. I also refilled the yellow ink cartridges with hobo urine.

You guys have been the best thing about working here. I mean, who can say that they have worked with an entire cast of missing links? I can honestly and genuinely say I like imagining the inevitable deaths of every one in this office such as eating cactus, walking into open elevator shafts, and staring at the sun with a telescope only to blindly wandering into small aircraft propellers.

My new email address is I_am_your_financial_daddy@eatshitanddie.com . Feel free and send me emails that will be routed straight into my junk mail folder. Your requests for where to find the CYAN printer cartridges will be in good company of wang enlargement supplements and black market prescription medications.

Best of luck with that new "coffee"
--John

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Hi Blog and loyal blog readers. Sorry for the wicked long gap in posting. I've been on a bit of an adventure, in a lord of the rings sort of way, except for battling ogres and throwing a ring into lava, I have been battling A-hole delta employees and throwing my liver into hot liquid magma.

Let me 'splain.

I was in Rome all last week, fighting lions and eating pizza (read as overseeing market research and eating pizza). I laughed and laughed at the terrible weather youz guyz faced one week ago as I donned shorts only to blind people with my pale white legs at the Colloseum.

At that point, I must have offended some sort of ancient god of melanin, cause me luck took a run for Sicily at that point.

Example #1: While inflight from Rome to JFK, I noticed that my reading light had a pack of peanuts taped over it as it was turning off and on, on its own. "Oh that's cute" I thought and then remembered hearing some Ghetto version of a delta airline commercial that circulated via the Netz a few years back.

Then the electric anomaly extended to the stewardess call button and the entire flight was treated to incessant, arhytmic DING DING...DING.........DING...DING DING DING...DINGing for damn near 9 straight hours. It got so bad that I saw the priest in front of my grab his crucifix. I could not tell if he was praying for forgiveness for wanting to stab me with his crucifix or just praying to the sweet 6.2 ounce baby jesus to take us down. I have never seen so many dirty looks in my life, and let me tell you, I am no stranger to dirty looks (such as the time I called Mr. White Chocolate a "smelly pirate hooker" at a denny's in Hoboken)*

So we finally touchdown in JFK and I scramble to catch my connecting flight. No one likes missing flights, but this one was especially important, cause I was meeting a friend in Richmond to drive me to the outerbanks for my bachelor party. As I arrived to my gate, I noticed that my flight was postponed by 2 hours. As boarding time approached, I checked the board again only to discover that the flight had been cancelled. Rat farts.

So I wait in line to see what my options are. After waiting a hour in line, I told the Delta agent to work her magic and get me the F out of there to DC, Richmond, Norfolk, Newport News, anywhere closer to OBX. She gave me a sassy HMMMPPPH and typed away.

DeltaDouche:"Good news! we can get you to Richmond...on monday...maybe."

Irate T15:"Wait, you do realize that it is Friday F'iing night right?"

DD "Yes."

Doubly Irate T15: "So what do I do in this situation?"

DD: "I don't know."

Triply Irate T15: "Where is that priest and his crucifix shank, cause T15 is about to cut a bitch." "Just give me my bag so I can get my Amtrak salvation on"

DD: "I can't. It is going to Richmond."

T15: "I hope your child grows up to be the next Britney Spears." "So how am I supposed to get it?"

DD: "Pick it up at the airport."

T15: "And how am I supposed to get to the airport."

DD: "Stumped beyond all possible levels of stumpedness...I guess they will bring it to you"

T15: "To the outerbanks?"

DD: "I guess"

T15: "Just send it to my home address"


So you would hope that things would be smooth sailing after that fiasco, right? Well I got to Penn Station in NY at 8PM and asked for the 1st train to DC.

Ticket agent sez: "3:00 am and it is selling out fast"
T15: "All holy hell? are you kidding?"
Ticket agent sez: "Next train after that is 6:45am"

Broken, I buy the ticket, then call everyone I know to tell them the personal hell I am facing thanks to the laws of karma and laughing at the snow while in Italy. I guess my recognition of this allowed for my release, as for as soon as that conversation concluded, an old man came over and told me he overheard my plight and said the ticket agent gave him the same story, but after plugging away on the self serve kiosk for several minutes was able to get on the 9PM train.

A few tries later, I was on the 10PM train, on my way back to DC to catch a ride in the morning to the OBX, where two 40 ounce vessels of malt beverages and a roll of duct taped awaited.

To be continued....

Ciao!

I'm off to the country shaped like a boot for the next week.

Adios!

Lost, we have to talk...

I know we have just come off from spending time apart, but I really think it is time that we go our separate ways.

Now, now, don't go getting all upset, really it is for the best. After all, things have been going downhill for quite sometime, and I am struggling to deal with some of your habits. You're a great show really. It's all about me and my lack of patience and demanding personality and it is not fair to expect you to change just to fit my needs.

It has become quite evident that your free spirited nature (read as: aimlessness and in ability to commit) does not fit with my need for stability or purpose (read as: time to answer some damn questions...like where the hell is that radio transmission coming from? or Why is there a cable going into the ocean? Or who was the freak with the eyepatch?).

We will always have the good times, like the first time you forced a new character into the line-up, only to blow him up during sweeps week. As Hurley said, "Dude, you got a little Artzed on you." And who could forget the Dharma branded sharks among all of the other fun easter eggs you used to provide. Ah those were good times.

I am sure we can still be "friends" but I think the healthy decision to make is to see other shows. To be totally honest, I have been courted by Heroes and that show where Anthony Bourdain travels around the world to make fun of people and eat gross food.

So, goodbye for now.

KIT

Topic 15

I left my Clown in San Francisco

Probably for the best, but among the gifts I was planning to bring home for the future Mrs. T15 was a bag of cheese curls with a disturbing clown on the bag. I found it in the ethnic food isle next to the taco supplies in a market out near Berkley.

While out on the west side, I saw several of the typical touristy things and several non-touristy things. For example, after a trip to twin peaks and en route to the golden gate bridge we drove through the Castro district, well known for its welcoming of"alternate" lifestyles. So welcoming in fact there are restaurants called "the Sausage Factory" and "Squat and Gobble."

No further comment necessary, those pretty much speak for themselves.

We had dinner in a much less flambouyant establishment located back in Berkley called T-rex. It was there that I had my dinner, a death and taxes and a "light" beer.

Death and taxes is good if you like dark, smoky stouts.

"Light" Beer is good if you like your PBR cut with Soda water, cause that is exactly what it is, but for 2 bucks I had to try it.

yes my dinner was 2 beers. I did have a side of fries, but that was only due to the fact that they came with Chipolte ketchup and really who in there right mind can say no to that?

Random-o-rama!

Gonna make this quick since I have been up for the past 18hrs...

First, what kind of message is NBC trying to send with Heroes?

Everyone gets cool powers except the brutha. He gets the magical power to break out of jail. WTF kind of racist shite is that? And his son? The power to rob ATM machines. That's just low. TSK TSK!


Second, guess who I caught a rental car shuttle with at 5:20 AM this morning?

Former WWF mid-carder, Hardcore Bob Holly. I was tempted to have him sign my copy of Wrestlecrap (which I just picked up in Texas), but I thought he might have hit me with a spiked bat or maybe his wife sitting next to him. Hardcore Holly is know to run a little hot, so I decided to play it safe and just gawk.

So, as example of how much an 18hr day takes it's toll, while at the research facility I was forced to consume several cans of diet pepsi to keep from falling asleep. This, in turn, triggered multiple trips to the restrooms. On my second trip, I couldn't help but wonder why the bathroom was so much cleaner and well lit than my first trip. Then I asked myself, where the hell did the urinals go. And then it hit me like a rolled up copy of In Touch magazine. I was standing in the ladies room. Thankfully, I was in full drag, so no one noticed.

Ok that's a lie.

Truth be told no one was there.

Still Life

Here is an interesting short film I saw on a recent flight...

Hogwarts Idol

Hey kiddos,

Sorry for the recent lack of postage.

I am all caught up in the american idol craze.

No, not really.

But seriously I am.

Anyhow, me and melady were watching the Memphis tryouts when this dude rolled on the seen. He thought he was all undercover, but I totally recognized Voldemort with a tan.

Hey Voldie, don't quit you day job. You can't carry a tune in a bucket.

And while we are on the subject of freaks on TV, the zoo keepers at NBC were kind enough to bring us this...

I went to pillage the NOND website for a picture of the offspring of a dirty old man and a giant pair of eyes (see to the left) and then I saw the clip on the right which indicates that pop sensation Hanson will be making an upcoming appearance. Maybe they will delight us with their update hit, Post-op-MMMMMMBop.

NBC, have you no shame? I certainly hope not. Time to give FOX a run for their money.

At home Mythbusting...

OK, so my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to run my very own ionic foot cleasing experiment.

The test group was my left and right foot.

The control group was running the set-up sans feet.

Here are the results....

At the five minute mark, the water is starting to look like a vat of low grade whiskey mixed with hobo urine. No discernable difference between the test and control group.

At the ten minute mark strange bubbles start to form on the surface. While both groups show bubbles, the experimental group seems to have a greater proportion.

Five minutes after switching the polarity of the car batter charger (20 minute mark) the top layer begins to look like Roy Roger's BBQ sauce and I begin to crave a holster of fries. Little noticable difference, minus the bubbles. The control group is still lagging behind the diseased jelly fish found floating on the surface of the experimental group.

At the end of the 30 minute run, both groups show similar water color with a mix of sediment that looks like paprika and algea floating on the top of the water.

The experimental group shows more bubbles, but that may be a function of water level. The control group does not have feet to displace water, thus has a lower water level. The bubbles seem to emerge from the point where the ionic plate hits the water down to its end under water. The more of the plate under water, the more bubbles you get.

So who knows for sure what effect this device is having. I am tempted to run a few more trials, including additional test groups such as a pack of hot dogs and maybe a small child.

Battle Jelly Donut! Battle Jelly Donut!

Some may ask, where have all the updates gone?

Well I retort, no level of mad crazy creativity can compete with this completely true story of Jelly Donut crashing a Lady SOV show to challenge her to a rap battle, only to have that midget decline.

That is the poor state of affairs of current rap music, when someone who considers herself the biggest midget in the game is skerd to battle it out with a pastry.

Sign #1 that it has been a long a$$ week...

Trying to start your car using your house key.

Or maybe that's plain old fashion crazy.

Ever want to...

Play the guitar and drums at the same time, but want to avoid looking like one of those one man band asshatts?

Let this kat, Andy Mckee show you how it's done!



Pretty freakin' sweet!

Topic15 -- KRS-ONE Connection

Ok, so on the way back from the gym today, I felt my last post comes across as a bit harsh on ole KRS-one.

It is borderline haterade and that's typically not my style.

On the contrary, I rather like his musical creations and furthermore just realized I have my very one 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon type connection with the Blastmaster (AKA KRS-One AKA The teacha AKA KRS ICHIBAN) and it is more than having his We in there/Duck Down cassette single forever stuck in my parents 1984 Blue Pontiac 6000 station wagon.

One of the first friends I made in collage (outside of my roomates) was a jersey girl named Heather D. Heather D. had a high school friend who hooked up with Eric Nies, from MTV's very first and only good season of the real world. Supposedly the kid was a real tool in high school. He then went on to be a famous tool and then a forgotton tool.

One of Eric Nies's roomies was Heather B. Probably remembered by a few hip hop afficionados such as myself for her semi-popular but quite nice track All Glocks down found on her debut album. Her track is not only described as a "Slept on, Boom Bap Classic" (Old School Ran-dee from da bronx, 2005) but was produced by none other than Kenny Parker himself.

Kenny Parker is yet another alias for KRS-One.

So that was only 4 degrees rather than six. Sue me. There are four corners of the globe, four horsemen and connect four. What cool things are there six of?

Yeah I thought so.

K.nowledge R.eigns S.upreme O.ver N.early E.veryone

In case you were wondering what KRS-ONE stood for.

Yup yup, the hip hop mastermind behind hits such as 13 and good and Holding your D!ck like a throttle.

Anyhow, I had to fire this off in response to Pyggie's call to see PM Dawn and felt compelled to steal this from another site and share amongst my people.

Puttin da' hood in Robin Hood.

Start plagarism here ->

Expectations were high - KRS and other conscious rappers from the "Stop the Violence" movement that he helped start were talking about building a revolutionary black army around hip-hop.

KRS was never able to fulfill that overly ambitious goal. In 1992, as his popularity began to wane, PM Dawn front man Prince B questioned KRS's credibility as a hip hop teacher. BDP crashed the next PM Dawn show and proceeded to physically remove them from the stage while the crowd chanted "KRS-ONE! KRS-ONE!" Although this event garnered press and makes for an entertaining story, it left the greater hip-hop community confused about the state of hip-hop and the role of its leaders.

Was KRS really a revolutionary activist, or just a self-centered entertainer concerned about money?

<- End unoriginal bastardness

Beating up PM Dawn? That's a not a new low, that's a cry for help.

Who's next?

A napping Stephen Hawkings?

Or the corpse of Christopher Reeves?

Just say no

This is your spider.

This is your spider on drugs...

Snake on a cake

No better way to say Happy Birthday than a little snake on a cake action.

For none other than everyone's favorite governess.

Barbara ist hell, intensiv goldgelb, samtweich und vollmundig.

I'm not sure what that means in Swiss German, but I would guess that it describes the beer as having a robust bouquet tasting of hell, expensive goldfish, a sandwich and Lord Voldemorte.

Then again, I don't speak Swiss German, so my interpretation of the text could be way off.

I can attest, however, from personal experience, that Barbara is quite good, one smooth operator, and tastes divine in an Old English 800 sort of way.

If anyone happens to come across this stuff this side of the pond, be sure and grab me a case.

It's kinda like a Dyson, for your feet...

Anyone up for some interesting fodder for post-holiday googling?

Try this one ION FOOT CLEANSING.

Guess who gave that a go this Christmas? Your very own topic15.

I highly doubt words can express the experience, but let me try.

This is going to be long, so stick with me. I will try to be as concise as possible, but there is a lot of 'splainin that need be done. Things start getting good around point 4.

Point1
First, my mom is a certifiable health junky. Far beyond diet and exercise, she regularly fasts and takes supplements to help boost immunity and rid one's body of toxins. Somehow she came across this whole ionic floot cleansing racket and thought it sounded interesting.

After a fair amount of research, she decided to invest in the "budget" version of the machines you see when you do the google search. More on that in a bit.

Point2
For some background on Ionic foot cleansing (IFC from this point on), here's what you need to know. Everyday, our bodies collect all sorts of nasty crap from the food we eat and the air we breath. Thankfully, our bodies are pretty darn good at processing that stuff, especially when we are in peak health.

Aside from traditional methods of excretion, the body also releases junk from pores in our skin. Ever eat a monster load of onions and/or garlic and then go for a run the next day and smell like all holy hell? That's the body sweating out the junk.

What part of the body tends to sweat a lot an smell hella bad? Da' feet. Apparently, feet are like the bodies equivalent of the county landfill.

Point3
Remember how I stated, a mere six sentences ago, how our bodies are good for processing junk when we are in peak health? Well, few of us are in peak health, so we could use a little boost. In comes the IFC ma-chines. I don't know the exact science behind it, but the ghetto version is this, the IFC machine polarizes the water with either a positive or a negative charge and then switches. This, in effect, creates some freaky magnetic suction of the crap in your feet, and osmotically draws it out.

Hence, rather than relying on the body to push it out, it helps move things along by pulling. Sort of like a turbo works on a car or that lady who pulls babies out of preggo's.

Point4
My mom buys the machine, tries it out, as does my dad and my sister. They tell me all about it over Christmas eve dinner and ask if I want to try it. Sounds rather innocuous enough, right? Well let me remind you that my mom bought the budget version of the machine ($300 vs the real deal machine that costs $3000).

Here's the set up:
Step 1. Submerse your feet in a tub of hot water
Step 2. Add in Salt
Step 3. Add in stainless steel ion polarization plate
Step 4. Connect stainless steel ion polarization plate to a car battery charger
Step 5. Wait, WTF is step 4? Are you serious? Is this a Lyndie England product?
Step 6. Seriously? You can't be serious!
Step 7. Turn on the car battery charger and say a prayer
Step 8. Try and pretend you are reading a motor trend magazine
Step 9. Watch in amusement to what happens to the water
Step 10. After 15 minutes switch polarity on the stainless steel plate
Step 11. Watch in sheer horror what happens to the water.

I have a picture, but am hesitant to post it, as for the nightmares it will induce. After the 30 minute treatment, I can only describe the water as primordial ooze. It was black, brown and bubbly.

When I researched the meaning of this combination, it indicated a cleansing of the liver and removal of heavy metal toxins. Ironically, the night before, I consumed several 40's of Schlitz and I think I ate the cap. Consider me a believer.

PS... As a natural scientist, my mom tried a control group (ie running the IFC machine with no feet in the tub) to see what would happen to the water. It changed color slightly, but no where near what happened with any of our feet. Furthermore, my mom, my dad, my sister and me all saw different results in coloration.

PSS...My feet are still tingling.

Merry Christmas!

One should be so lucky as to find this under their tree...



Courtesy of Smell my face Belt Buckle Rob, your very own Schlitz Blue Bull Malt Beverage candlestick phone.

Ghetto Classic. Ghlassic.

Interested in one fo yo'self?

Check here.

POW! Right in the eye

A little fun Tuesday math problem....

[(Topic15 - Eyeglass)+ Paintball] / Capitol Offense Paintball Krew =

.
.
.
.
.

POW! Right in the eye!

Happy Holidays you hooligans

My latest work...

World's tallest man saves dolphin

I write good things from time to time, but no F'in way can I compete with this latest news blurb from the beeb.


The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.

Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.

Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.

Guinness World Records list Mr Bao, 54, as the world's tallest living man at 2.36m (7ft 8.95in).


Recovering
Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.


The mammals had lost their appetite and were suffering depression, aquarium officials said.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr Bao could not be bitten.

He then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs.

Chen Lujun, manager of Royal Jidi Ocean World, said Mr Bao was successful and the dolphins were "in very good condition now".

Local doctor Zhu Xiaoling told the state media agency Xinhua: "Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs.

"However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."

Mr Bao was confirmed as the world's tallest living man by Guinness World Records last year.

He overtook the previous holder, Radhouane Charbib of Tunisia, by just 2mm.

Guinness World Records say Mr Bao was of normal height until 16 but then put on a spurt that doctors were unable to explain, reaching his full height in seven years.

Since the Green Machine is off the table...

I guess I could always ask santa for this...




It combines my love of the Price is Right, Fate, and Libations.

It's almost Ring of Fire for Dummies.

The Mean Green Machine...

Big ups to huffy for bringing back the pimpest big wheel of all times...


The almighty green machine.

Yes indeedy, I most definitely rocked one of those back in the day. Lowridin' on a big wheel doing donuts and everything.

Now if only they made one of those for adults. I know what I'd be asking Santa for.

Until I get the kinks worked out of the time machine...

BTW whatever happened to Bonkers?

That's one hell of a burrito

On my quest to unearth new and exciting ways to prepare tasty burritos, I decided to combine three of my favorite things and wrap them in a flour tortilla shell.

Here's what I did...

Step 1: Prepare a batch of Honey Chipolte Baked Beans. Aw man, these things are wicked good, but take a few hours to make.

Step 2: Prepare a batch of grilled chili-lime chicken tenders. Again, factor in the proper time to marinate and this takes several hours.

Step 3: Open a can of PBR and split evenly between steps 1, 2, and me.

Once everything is cooked, use freshly shredded sharp cheddar, sour cream and Frank's red hot and wrap it up!

I considered then grill the actual burrito, but at that point it was close to 9:30 PM and I really just wanted to eat.

Anyhow it was pretty good.

Was it worth 8+ hours of prep?

eh.

They sure don't make commercials like they used to...

Donuts... 3rd world style

As if you really needed another reason to love youtube...

Now you have this...

I'm on a roll...

I'm on a bagel.

big ups to Mr. Nogay, my high school science teacher for that fantastic joke.

Anyhow, I am making up for lost blogging today.

Here is something else you need to watch.

It is pretty fantastic.

Seperated at Birth II

Ok, I slept on this post for nearly a month, but who watched the last Sawyer-specific epy of Lost?

Anyone notice the Warden?

Anyone else realize that he had a long lost twin?

Old man topic15

Note to self for tomorrow Happy birthday to me!

PS you are old, old man.

Example #1
Among the birthday haul, one of the more noteworthy gifts included the 20th anniversary edition DVD of the Transformers movie. This provides all the evidence necessary to document my progress into the golden years.

First, it has been 20 years since that flick was released and I was first in line to see that bad boy on the big screen.

Second, the movie opens up as follows... "It is the year 2005 and the decepticons have overrun the autobot strong hold on cybertron..."

2005? Shazbot! that was damn near two years ago.

In further evidence, I had to chase a bat out of the house. Yes, a rather uninvited thanksgiving guest, this big ole nasty vampire bat chased my boo all over the townhouse while I was talking my old man mid afternoon nap. Let me tell you, that is one heck of a wake-up call.

Time to start working on the xmas list. When the F is Rad coming out on DVD? How can I get Michael Bolton's mustache?

Two things...

1. Note to self...when choosing a font color, be sure not to use the same color as the background.

2. Got the cliff notes from the new, tell all OJ Simpson book. It goes a little something like this:

Chapter1
I killed that skeezer.

The end.


Go ahead and scratch that off the must have list.

Sometimes truf be stranga den fiction

Courtesy of wikipedia...

Gibsonton is an unincorporated census-designated place in Hillsborough County, Florida, United States. The population was 8,752 at the 2000 census.

Gibsonton was famous as a sideshow wintering town, where various circus "freaks" would spend the off season. It was home to Percilla the Monkey girl, the Anatomical Wonder, and the Lobster Boy. Siamese twin sisters ran a fruit stand here. It is the only post office with a counter for dwarves. Aside from the agreeable winter climate, Gibsonton offered unique circus zoning laws that allowed residents to keep elephants and circus trailers on their front lawns.

Next time you are in Florida, why not stop by and say hi to the bearded lady and the fat man. As I understand they were both character witnesses for the trial on the murder of lobster boy (who rumor has it, was a total prick).

You thought I was joking, didn't you?

These 12+ hour work days are taking their toll on me.

I flew into LA at close to midnight a few days ago (that's like 3 AM local time).

Halfway delusional, rolling in the rental car, I decided if Lady SOV can peddle that crap and pawn it off as rap, why can't I?

So I wrote a little song.

Wanna hear it?

Hear it goes...

Ring the alarm cause the kid’s on the scene
Electrified lyrics like a robot’s wet dream
Ya’naw mean, sizzlean?
Gassed out like a burrito jelly bean

Listen to my lyrical extravaganza
Or I’ll have to donkey punch yo ass like my name is tony danza
Who’s the boss, hoss?
Iced out dookie, cause that’s how I floss.

Grab a map cause you’re lost
at the hand of the panda
and the rhymes that I just tossed
Out the window like an empty can of fanta

Platinum Grape soda, like a used lexus
Riding dirty in the Taurus on my way back from texas
Where I punched a one eyed fat kid in the solar plexus.
Like a leg syndrome my flow is relentlessly restless.

Word up.

Where's MY contract Jova?

Where you at?

So I have been on the low-low, working on my rap skills and training with a super secret squad of martial art maniacs.

You want a taste of a typical training session?

Do you wanna see tough?

Gone till November

Well November 17th if you want to be specific.

I am on the road doin some research and I had myself a little adventure this evening.

I rode the NY subway and it was nowhere near as bad as I would have imagined. It was well lit, the ceiling wasn't dripping and there was only one puddle of urine in my subway car.

Up next, that biggest ass state otherwise known as texas.

Hate Actually

It's time for some good old fashion ranting and raving.

For some reason beyond the realm of explanation, I have fostered a robust hatred for the word actually over the course of the past few weeks.

Not actuality or actual, just actually.

Methinks this is largely a function of the context in which I have overheard the usage of this word.

With the exception of one usage, the consistent application of this word has served no more purpose than to imply...

"Look turd brains, unlike me, you have far less than a clue, perhaps even a negative clue. It is truly your lucky day, consider I have graced you with my presence. Let my grand intellect do you a favor just this once, since I am such a great and benevolent being, and give you just a glimpse of knowing the real truth. BTW you suck and your mother dresses you funny, and not funny like a clown."

If I ruled the world, I would grant people slapping rights upon hearing that word in a conversation.

Hip Hop es Muerto

WILLIAM H MACY! It's official. Rap is dead.

Is that what rap music has come to?

A 13 year old looking white girl from UK?

Eazy-E is rolling over in his grave right now.

Fettes Brot is our only hope.

Daaaaaaamn!

Those better be midgets, or else I am going to go buy a liger this weekend.

Who needs to pay for gas, when you could have your own battlecat?

Just some good ole boys...

Van Damn! Who would have thought the general would be choppin' it up in Maine?

Now that's how I want to go...

These stingray's get more gangsta everyday...

Stingray leaps into boat, stabs man in chest.

Poncho and Lefty

Willie Nelson's public statement regarding his having been caught with a bag of marijuana:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana, instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."

Rodeo o' Randomness

First off, let me tell you, 2 meals into this whole apple diet, I am not a fan, unless they have a special breed of apple that tastes like popeye's, it's going to be a long three days.

Why am I doing the apple diet?

For the story and I don't feel like cooking.

In other news, that picture of those freakishly big solo cups? That was all CJ's and smell my face belt buckle rob's. There you go.

In other other news, I have gone far too long being annoyed, not only by the phrase soup to nuts, but by wondering what the heck does it mean?

Turns out it refers to a full course meal, probably of med. decent, as they tend to feature an app. of soup, main course and nut based dessert. There you go.

Now I can go on just being annoyed at the phrase.

And while we are on the origin of phrases, you are not gonna believe me, but I am gonna tell you anyways...last week...in training...the teacher definitely used the phrase "laying in the cut."

Anyone know what that means? Well, I am gonna tell ya. In prisons, there are certain areas just beyond the view of security cameras. These are referred to as "the cut." Laying in the cut refers to the act of stealthily waiting, just out of camera view, most like to attack someone with a stabbing device, otherwise known as a shank or a shiv.

Speaking of shanks and shivs, I figured out what I will bestow upon my groomsmen. Monogramed throwing knives. Sweet.

Well, time to go.

I have two apples with my name on them.

Yay.

Where have you been?

Sorry for the lack of recent posts as of late. I was goaded into playing a game of flip-cup with these:

I was passed out for like a week and a half.

Now I am on the apple diet. I'll write more about that later.

How to win a fight in applebee's

Here's my of mix of some of Bas's greatest tips.

Pez-stilence

It's been a busy week for office pranks.

Case #2
A coworker leaves town for a week only to return to a shocking scene, the mass suicide of his entire pez dispencer collection.

Office Prank Returns>>Econo-Cubicle<<

Here is a typical size cubicle...

While out of the office last we, we decided to redesign one of our co-worker's cubicle.

Compared to the grossly inefficient full size cubicle, the new economy-sized cubicle has been designed to enhance productivity by limiting distracting window access, abundant oxygen, and wasted movement.

Thank goodness I don't have any vacation time to use.

ROCK ON you old sailor you!

Among other things, this past weekend's adventures included a trip to the renaissance festival.

While waiting in line to buy tickets, I looked over at some guy in the line next to ours. As he approached the ticket booth, he stood on his tippy toes to get a bird's eye view of the ticket wench's cleavage. He then proceeded to give ye olde motorboat to said wench.

Right then, I knew the bar was set high.

Probably a bit too high, cause nothing else came close to topping that in terms of highlights.

A distant second was a 9 year old boy dressed as a viking. He was watching "Human Chess" and was calling out the opposing team, demanding to "KILL HIM! CUT OFF HIS HEAD! ROCK ONNNNNNNN SIR WILLIAM!" He was really into this thing, probably to an unhealthy extent given his age.

Then in a sad reality check of life, an eight year old girl asked him why he was wearing tights. Ouch!

Stay tuned, coming soon, another volley in the war of the office pranks.